Frobozz Magic Rambling Company

Al Gore is Still Creepy

2007-06-01T12:23:00.000-07:00

So it's been a while since I've updated the blog, sorry about that. In my defense, I was half away around the world for a little while, and after that I didn't seem very funny for the last week.

Anyway, yesterday the head of NASA said in an interview that global warming wasn't really a problem. And I quote, "I have no doubt that global -- that a trend of global warming exists... I am not sure that it is fair to say that is a problem we must wrestle with... I guess I would ask which human beings, where and when, are to be accorded the privilege of deciding that this particular climate that we have right here today, right now, is the best climate for all other human beings. I think that's a rather arrogant position for people to take."

And you know what, he's right. Who are we to decide that just because the temperature is increasing a few degrees that's necessarily a bad thing? Who are we to say that the icecaps melting is always bad? Maybe all those islanders living in the Pacific would prefer to live in the Pacific sans islands. It would certainly make maps easier to draw.

How culturally arrogant of us to assume these people would prefer to have a place to live. Maybe they like swimming...a lot. But here comes our American ignorance again, just assuming they don't want to drown and die.

Plus you have to consider the upsides of Global Warming. I already commented on how map costs would go down a bunch. Also anyone who owns property in Central Pennsylvania would do quite well for themselves once it became oceanfront. Plus, when Florida is covered by the Atlantic, the Social Security problem will pretty much go away. So that's nice. Also, since Hong Kong and the areas surround would be completely submerged, China's upcoming economy would take a huge hit, which would help us out a lot. Of course, NYC might be underwater too, and I suppose that might be a problem. Oh and London might be underwater as well. But NYC, London and Hong Kong aren't really very important cities in the global economy, right?

Anyway, I suppose my point is this: no matter how much the global warming discussion takes center stage, no matter how much charisma he has gained, Al Gore is still really fucking creepy.

It Ain't Just a River in Egypt...

2007-05-01T09:25:00.000-07:00

As most of you should know, the NFL Draft was this past weekend. I missed a substantial amount of the draft due to various graduation nonsense, but I was there for the single worst moment of my life as a Detroit Lions fan.

I saw it coming too. As soon as Atlanta traded for the 41st pick I knew it. At first it simply occurred to me that neither they nor the next team would be taking a quarterback. And we were sitting at 43.

Then I remembered who was on the board. I tried to tell myself it wasn't going to happen, but deep inside, I knew it was true.

Then I saw it: "Current Selection - Detroit Lions - Drew Stanton"

And that was when I crawled into the fetal position in the corner and started crying. Why God? Why?

But, like any good Lions fan, I immediately started manufacturing the denial. Hey, maybe all those horrible decisions weren't his fault. Maybe it was his godawful coach. Or his shitty offensive line. Or the general losing culture of MSU football. Maybe he'll be good. Maybe he'll be great. Maybe Drew Stanton is exactly what the Detroit Lions need to turn themselves around.

In case you're curious, I've never felt more pathetic than I do right now. Trying to pretend to be excited about the Drew Stanton era. Well, on the plus side, this will give us plenty of top 5 picks to spend on more wide receivers.

In other, less depressing news, I was listening to 96.3 the other day. For those who don't listen to 96.3 regularly this is there station concept: "All the hits, with none of the rap." So whenever they go to commercial and do a station identification, they play something along those lines.

I always found it a little strange, but whatever. I suppose a lot of people don't like rap, so it makes sense to advertise that. But this was there most recent station identification:

(Plays a rap song) "Their rims are spinning and it makes my head spin! 96.3 all the hits, with none of the rap."

I'm really hoping there next one goes like this: "Do you hate black people? 96.3 all the hits, none of the negros."

Oh also, this Thursday is the first Republican debate of the primary season. So if you want to get an early look at the next President of the United States, check out the debates.

DayQuil Rules

2007-04-27T16:27:00.000-07:00

Apparently a new blood test that screens for EPCA-2 could soon replace the standard PSA test for prostate cancer. You can read about it here: http://abcnews.go.com/Health/CancerPreventionAndTreatment/story?id=3079649&page=1

According to the article, this new test seems to create fewer false positives, while also catching a higher percentage of cases, even in the earliest stages of the cancer, blah blah specificity of tests blah blah medical jargon blah blah blah.

Unfortuantely the article doesn't answer the only question I actually have about the test: does it involve the doctor sticking his hand in my ass? Because I have been worried about my physician sticking his fingers in my sphincter since I turned 16 (neurotic much? -ed).

Look, I'm all for catching cancer cases early on and saving lives and all that jazz. And if that means getting my pooper scoped out every year, than that's how I'll roll. But if the medical community can test for prostate cancer just by taking some blood, that's the best news since they put DayQuil into pill form.

In other science news, Stephen Hawking took a ride on a Zero-G plane. Which is cool. I feel like there should be a weightless parapalegic pun to make... but I'm either not clever enough or not evil enough to come up with it. Not sure which.

And of course last night was the first of many many debates in the 2008 primary season. I came very close to orgasming part way through. I'm just saying, Joe Biden is a very attractive man. I tell you what always depresses me about primary season though, is seeing Dennis Kucinich in the debates. Cause everybody rips on Kucinich because he's so short. More than once I've heard him referred to as "munchkin-like". Kucinich is 5'7". I'm 5'6". Although, in my defense, I'm much less creepy than him.

First Lady, Second Lady, Third Lady...

2007-04-19T13:32:00.000-07:00

The most exciting presidential election since 1928 continues to roll on, with a rather interesting episode taking place the other day. In a townhouse meeting, John McCain answered a question about dealing with Iran by parodying the Beach Boys' "Barabra Ann", singing "Bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb Iran." I shit you not, here's the YouTube clip:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o-zoPgv_nYg

John, who the fuck is advising you on this campaign, Don Imus? Seriously, what the hell happened to you? Making cozy with the Religious Right, coming out strongly in support of the Iraqi War, pro-life, and now pro-bombing Iran (and even worse, pro-Beach Boys). It's like Senator McCain was replaced by a pod person in 2003 or so.

In fairness to the Senator, the question he was asked did include the phrase "air mail to Tehran" and he was speaking to a military crowd that I'm sure is in fact pro-bombing Iran. But that's largely beside the point, because it's not like the pundits and reporters are going to carefully explain that. They'll just show a clip of him doing a cappella foreign policy.

So, having lost he moderate vote, gotten his ass kicked on fundraising, and generally trailing in all the polls, McCain has apparently decided to court the elusive "crazy mother-fucker" vote.

Personally, I'm about ready to call the race for McCain, which leaves us with two viable candidates from the Republicans: Rudy Giuliani and Mitt Romney.

Let's take a look at Rudy first. There is no way in HELL this man could ever be elected President. Ignoring the fact that many people will feel that being a mayor (even of NYC) isn't enough experience, ignoring that he's far too moderate to win the Republican primary (although I grant he could simply run to the right, and no one would really know he had ever moved), a simple fact remains: He's in no way shape or form presidential.

Look at the guy: he's short, he's balding, he has squinty eyes and big ears. He looks like he should be selling used cars, not running the free world. And moreover, can you imagine anyone introducing "President Giuliani?" I don't think so. President Ford. President Carter. President Clinton. President Giuliani? Hell no. And if that wasn't bad enough, the first name Rudy, is going to fucking kill him. In this country we elect Georges and Bills and Rons and Jims. Not Rudys.

Okay, no take a look at Romney. Frankly, Mitt Romney isn't the most presidential name ever either, but other than that, the guy could looks more presidential than anyone I've ever seen. He's young-looking enough to look vibrant, but old-looking enough to look experience. He's got that dark hair with grey streaks that just screams executive. Also his hair looks like it could deflect a bullet, which voters like.

Plus I heard the guy speak the other day and he's damn fine speaker, very likable, seems to know his shit pretty well. All in all, this is definitely the guy I'd put my money on to be elected president in 2008.

Except for one little thing: he's Mormon. Despite the fact that it's absurd, people aren't really comfortable with Mormons. It's interesting that every is talking about the possibility of the first black president, or the first woman president, and whether or not people would be willing to vote for Obama or Clinton. Personllay though, I think the big question is, are we ready for a Mormon in the White House? Also, how do you decide which wife is the "First" lady?

(In all seriousness, Romney, like most Mormons, is not polygamist. But that's a good example of the sort of joke you'd hear again and again during a Romney campaign.)

The Datesume

2007-04-12T18:31:00.000-07:00

In the past couple of months I’ve been both (a) going on a number of first dates and (b) going on a number of job interviews. As has been frequently noted by any number of people, the two have a great deal in common. And the similarities have led me to what I believe is an intriguing concept that we should implement as soon as possible: the dating resume.

Basically a dating resume would include all the useful information that you want to know about your date in a clear and concise format. Just like a work resume, the dating resume would allow you to quickly make decisions about who is and is not qualified for the position (or perhaps multiple positions…what an old, lame joke. I wouldn’t even make it, but I’m contractually obligated as a licensed humorist to make that pun in this particular situation).

The following is a sampling of information the dating resume could include.

Objective: We’ve all been in relationships where, after a while, we realized that the other person just isn’t looking for the same thing we are. Maybe they’re not really ready for a long-term commitment right now. Or maybe they’re waaay too ready for one. The objective part of the DateSume™ would allow potential couples to immediately check if they’re both looking for something long-term, casual dating, maybe just casual sex and someone to snuggle with… or maybe just rough kinky sex after which you throw your partner out of your apartment. The point is, they could both be on the same page.

Past Experience: Let’s face it, it can be awkward figuring out exactly what everyone has and has not done before, especially in the bedroom. Rather than facing the risky “try-it-and-see-if-you-get-yelled-at-or-not” phase of the relationship, the Past Experience section allows partners to lay out all of their previous relationships along with what responsibilities they performed in them. Further, partners could highlight responsibilities they particularly enjoyed or did not enjoy having. (Please note, the makers of DateSume™ do not recommend divulging past experiences that may be potentially frightening to new partners.)

Recommendations: But the fact of the matter is, anybody can just lie to make himself or herself sound better. The true test of someone’s character is can they convince other people to lie to make them sound better as well. A letter of recommendation from a past significant other, a congressman you slept with once, or a cousin who has funny feelings about you could ease your new partner’s worries about you.

A Tale of Two Messiahs

2007-04-04T12:21:00.000-07:00

As a warning: the first half of this post is devoted to me rambling about politics, for those interested only in me mocking crazy people, you should skip the next seven paragraphs or so.

As you should all know by now, I'm a political wonk, and I am therefore loving every minute of the build-up to the 2008 presidential election. Well, the end of March marked the end of the first financial quarter of the election season, meaning candidates filed their reports. At first, there were few surprises, Hillary banked, pulling in $26 million, Edwards trailed far behind. McCain's getting his ass kicked money-wise, but he was slow to start this time around (although you might be surprised to learn Mitt Romney is outpacing Giuliani at the moment, personally I wasn't). All pretty hum-drum at first, except that Obama wasn't reporting. And then he still wasn't reporting, and yesterday he still hadn't reported and the buzz grew. Well today he dropped the bomb.

In the first quarter Obama pulled in $25 million, leaving him just $1 million shy of Senator Clinton. Now, your initial reaction might be to say, "You gave us all that build-up to tell us he's in second? What the fuck?" But politics is ALL about expectations, and NOBODY expected Obama to raise this much.

I can thing of plenty of negative things to say about Senator Clinton, but I can't deny that the Clintons make the political machine move like nobody else. They eat up donations. They're barely human. So that Obama, as new to the scene as he is, is pacing Hillary is HUGE news.

Here are some other interesting facts:

Obama had over 100,000 individual donors, compared to Hillary's 50,000.
90% of Obama's donations were under $100
50% were from the internet
Obama claims to have received no money from registered lobbyists OR Politcal Action Committees

Now, many of you may not find that last fact to be all that interesting, but trust me, it is. PACs are those groups named things like "We Love Cute Bunnies and Hate Pollution" formed by corporations like MassChemical Pollutants Co. They are limited to $10,000 in donations, but a single company can make as many PACs as it likes (and to be fair many PACs are NGOs and other special interests). So basically they can fund people without limit. Taking no money from PACs means a pretty big hit to you figures.

So what does all this add up to? Well, a little bit of hope I guess. You've all heard me champion Obama on this blog before (a bit too frequently these days I admit), but it has been with the acceptance that, in all likelihood, he simply isn't a viable candidate yet (because he's black...shhh, don't tell anybody).

But these figures really do suggest a grassroots movement behind the guy that's larger than even I had expected. I'm starting to wonder now if maybe it is possible for him to win. Which excites me partially because I like him, but much more so because it makes the race waaaay more interesting.

RIGHT HERE! This is where I start making fun of crazy people, if you're in the "skip Devin sucking Obama's dick again" camp. Apparently, there is a man named Jose Luis De Jesus Miranda who claims to be the second coming of Jesus Christ.

He's been in the news recently because a few dozen of his followers got '666' tattoos in defiance of Revelations prophecy (for those who aren't up on their Armaggedon, 666 is supposedly the number of the beast and people will receive the mark of the beast during the rise of the Antichrist). According to them, Christ killed the Devil when he was crucified, and both the numbers 666 and the Antichrist himself are misinterpreted.

In fact, De Jesus Miranda claims to BE the Antichrist as well as being Jesus (which, if I remember my Star Trek correctly, means he would explode if he came into contact with himself...that has to be awkward). Anyway, he also claims that there is no Devil or sin, and his followers are incapable of doing wrong in God's eyes.

First off, I think if I was a tattoo artist I'd probably refuse to give people 666 tattoos. I mean, I don't really go for the whole Revelations Prophecy thing, but I try to stay on the safe side. So I have sort of a "no-bringing-on-the-rise-of-the-Antichrist" policy. I don't give people the mark of the beast, I try to avoid breeding pale horses, and if I kidnap people I try to keep it under 144,000. Just as a precaution.

Secondly, De Jesus Miranda drives a BMW and has three diamond encrusted Rolexes. Because, as it is written in Usher 4:13, "And Lo, Jesus did love his bling. And verily did he floss his ice to the multitudes."

Oh, by the way, Miranda is an ex-heroin addict. I'm sure you all remember the parable of the pearl and the eight-ball of smack. And this guy has over 10,000 followers.

Incidentally, Jesus isn't so good at HTML coding apparently. Check out his website http://www.cegenglish.com/ and its many broken links. Oh, and Jesus isn't great with his grammar or punctuation either, as evidenced by the following message on pages still being built: "You are blessed !, this is the best day of your life. This page is temporary under construction."

Still, Jesus does link to free email service, so that's nice of him.

But I bet Obama would do the same.

Why didn't I join a frat?

2007-03-30T11:10:00.000-07:00

On Monday I encountered the following headline in the Michigan Daily: Masturbating trespasser booted from frat.

Rather naturally my interest was aroused (pun intended). Basically here's what happened. A woman (who claimed to be an EMU student named Mel
issa) between the ages of 20 to 30 walked into a frat around lunchtime, sat down on the couch, and began composing on the single key piano.

The frat members politely asked her to leave and she refused. After half an hour they called the police, and she left wearing nothing but a thigh-length coat.

The questions that arise from this story are numerous. First off, how was she not raped by like six guys? (Or, depending on her motives, how did she not have consensual sex with like six guys?) She laid down on a couch at a frat and began flicking the bean. This is hands-down the most upstanding frat I've ever heard of. At Alpha Beta they might have raped a woman who was just sitting on a couch, masturbating or not. (Side note, what sort of rushers do you think a frat that is actually known as "the rape house" gets?)

Alright, so let's assume these guys are genuinely good people and so they weren't going to take advantage of the woman. Even given that, what group of guys asks a masturbating woman to LEAVE? I can't even fathom this. If you're a guy, ask yourself, which of the following would you do:
(a) ask her to leave
(b) pull up a seat
(c) draw straws to see who's running out to Meijer to buy a camcorder

I think I speak for most males when I say: this is the stuff porn is made of guys. What are you doing?

But, then, on the other hand, they did wait half an hour before they called the cops. So I suppose maybe they got all the footage they needed.

Then there are all the weird elements of the story (I know, I know, I never would have thought I'd be implying that a random masturbater isn't the weid part of the story). For example, at one point the woman made a phone call. I would pay about $10,000 for a cassette of that phone call.

"Hey, what's up?"

"Nothing much, I'm at frat house playing three-knuckle shuffle. How about you?"

Or the article notes that the frat guys "asked the woman if she was all right" and "she casually replied that she was fine." I've read a lot of Miss Manners in my day, but I admit to being at a loss as to the appropriate way to ask an intruding masturbater how they're feeling. 'Excuse me' doesn't really seem to cut it.

Also, the frat house will be disposing of two couches because of the incident. Two couches. TWO. Dos couches. What was happening on the other couch? Or did the woman get up and move at one point? Inquiring minds want to know.

I can't come up with any sort of conclusion so I'm just going to stop writing now.

The Internet Confuses Me

2007-03-22T13:52:00.000-07:00

I get a lot of spam, largely because I don't really use any sort of spamfilters, and if you're part of any group at umich, somebody in that group is probably going to get a trojan every so often. Anyway, here's what I don't get. The spam I get seems to fall into several categories based on the subjects. These are (1) sex enhancements (2) offers for free money (3) innocuous greetings (4) Biblical quotes and (5) random gibberish.

Now, I can understand why someone might be inclined to open an email with the subject "Mak yo woman screem all nite." Or "Come pick up your check!" Or "Hey, what's up?" Or maybe even "Lo, Aaron did look upon the Israelites..."

But why would anyone open an email that has random gibberish as its subject? And why would spammers think this is a good plan? I got an email the other day that said "gargle noisily". Why would I open that? How is this effective spam? Do they think people are so retarded they'll open any email as long as the subject consists of properly spelled words?

Well, if they've checked out www.twitter.com, they probably do. Twitter seems fairly new, so you may not be familiar with it. Basically the idea is sort of like a myspace or facebook, except instead of filling out personal information that (hypothetically speaking) people could care about, you simply post single sentence updates on what you're doing, periodically through the day. Here are a few samples:

cleaning the scum off the sides of the fish tank.. joy!
getting some exercise
watching around the horn on espn
Listening to SLAY Radio

People, this whole real-time updates on our friends lives has gone too far. Away messages weren't that bad, because more often than not people just put up funny messages, or when it is actually info it's at least moderately useful info (i.e. "headed out to the bar, call if you want to come"). And while many people were rightfully creeped out by the facebook feed, it still didn't strike me as too bad. At least some of the info on facebook is somewhat important.

But Twitter has pushed us past the point of acceptable voyeurism. If you honestly need to tell people that you're eating cocoa puffs at the moment, you need to get a life. And if anyone is actually that interested in what you're doing every single instant, you might want to consider a restraining order.

Seriously, many of these people seem to be updating their Twitter Feed two or three times an hour. What the hell is happening to the world?

Totally unrelated note, my roommate just played me "Put it in your mouth" by Akinyele. This song came out about five years ago he said, but if you haven't heard it, check around. It's pretty fucking funny.

The Return of Craigslist (Again)...

2007-03-20T11:54:00.000-07:00

Sorry about the lack of posting last week. Between March Madness and St. Patrick's Day, I never quite got the time.

But, as promised, I'm returning with an old fan favorite: Creepy Casual Sex posts from Craigslist. And this time, we're going right to the source. That's right, instead of Ann Arbor posts, this time I went to the original Craigslist, from that cesspool of depravity, San Francisco (Please Note: the FMRC is completely supportive of the gay lifestyle and homosexual community. When we refer to San Francisco as a cesspool of depravity, we are referring solely to the fact that Barry Bonds plays baseball there).

So, without further ado, the posts.

I am seeking someone that is truly submissive that wants to play today. I am a Dom and seek a submissive that like and enjoys blindfolds, spanking, being used, face fucked, anything that is intense and pleasurable. You need to host or I can book a room. This is for now and today. If this works out I would like to own you as a submissive. Creative scenes are welcome, Daddy/Daughter, Boss/employee, etc... I am 50, 6'6, 230, white, GQ type, shaved head, blue eyes, 9" cock. Intense. If you care to, you can call my cell to save time, please be real. Women only.

The part of that I enjoyed was when he requested that women who call him should "please be real". No pixies, genies, succubi, vampires or other imaginary women need apply.

I'm looking for an older woman/couple (or active imagination)to help me fulfill my incest fantasy/role play. Come in my room at night, feel under my covers, touch me, show me how to make it feel good. I'm fit, straight, good looking, and very real. I'm clean, safe/sane, DD free, and honest. I'm looking for good people, real, just interested in adult, sexual fun. Let's chat and exchange pics if you're interested.

He doesn't come out and say this...but he's looking for a couple to pretend to be his parents right? That's....beyond creepy.

I'm a straight, fit, intelligent, and sensual, looking for a W to get together for a sexy kissing sessions with some touching. It would also be arotic to touch ourselves while we made out together. Let's be safe, clean, and excite each other!! No sex required. Let's play, touch and show each other how much we like to make it feel good. I am real, safe, sane, and respectful. I'm just looking for a real woman that enjoys erotic fun. I will talk with you on the phone, email or IM to set up. I can host. Let's trade pics.

I like two things about this post. (1) He spells it arotic. It's like a Jeff Foxworthy sex post. "Hey baby, you look pretty a-rotic in them there panties." (2) It's title was "Make out session and touching". I want to respond and say that I prefer not to touch people I make out with.

You like older women because... we're more confident - we make better conversation - we don't want to date you - we won't ask where this is going - we don't need you to spend money on us - we won't wait for your phone call - we don't play games - we don't just lie there - we excel at fellatio - we're using you

We excel at fellatio? That sounds like something you'd put on a resume under other skills. "Excels at fellatio, proficient in assplay".

while the rain taps on the bay window and drips off the magnolia tree i'm thinking of you in my big bed convulsing with warm, wet pleasure. hot breath on sensitive skin, deep kisses, wandering tongues... smart guy with a great body, a sense of humor and creative in bed. i'm clean and like my sex SAFE. We will probably get along swimmingly if you are smart yourself, pretty, open minded, not overweight and enjoy orality in all of its glorious forms. if you're interested send photos and introduce yourself.

Enjoy orality in all of its glorious forms? Are there forms of orality that I'm not familiar with? Cause I could maybe think of three (and that's if I'm really stretching on that "glorious" part).

I need help...email me for more details...

Who the fuck is going to respond to this? "Oh this guy needs help...I love helping people. Good enough for me." Look, I'm not really on board with the whole "hooking up with random strangers for casual sex over the internet" thing in the first place. But if you're want to do it, you have to try a little hard than that buddy. Go big or go home.

I am really good at cunnilingus. I love to make women cum inside and out (g-spot and clit, respectively). Physically I am 6" 2 masculine', white, with dark saltand pepper hair, dark eyes, and well endowed Also, I am D&D free, If you are a cute girl and into oral sex, let's meet up.

What the hell is with all the clinical terms people? Cunnilingus? Who actually says that? "Hey baby, maybe I'll osculate your labia majora and then stick my lamina in your vaignal orifice." And I haven't even bothered to count how many ads use the term "intercourse" instead of "sex." Buddy, if you're trolling for tail on Craigslist, that's not intercourse. Even sex isn't really a dirty enough term for what you're doing.

Greg Oden Sucks...but not as much as Tommy Amaker

2007-03-09T10:59:00.000-08:00

Here at the Frobozz Magic Rambling Company, we find that our readers fall into three groups: those who like posts about politics, those who like posts about sports, and those who like posts about creepy craigslist sex postings (incidentally, extensive market research shows the breakdown of those groups to be 2%, 2%, and 96% of our readers, respectively).

Well, I have bad news for groups 1 and 3: It's March. And that means the staff here at FMRC has just one thing on our collective (and slightly schizophrenic) mind. Basketball.

That's right, folks, it's just about Tourney time. So be prepared for a couple posts in a row of non-stop hoops action. I tell you what though, I promise that my next non-hoops related post will be about craigslist, okay?In the meantime, Michigan is about to play Ohio State University (wait, which Ohio State University? -ed.) THE Ohio State University. (ohhh, I always get all those Ohio State Universities confused -ed.) Don't worry, happens to everyone.

Anyway, we're about to play THEOSU with our season on the line. In honor of our inevitable victory and entrance into our first Tourney in almost a decade, I thought I'd do a live post during the game.

However, at the moment I have about 15 minutes before tip-off, so I’m going to head over to addictinggames.com and do my daily jigsaw puzzle. Be back in a bit.

12:00 PM – Okay, I’m about 2/3 of the way through a mad fucking trippy jigsaw puzzle. It’s like a fucking Jackson Pollack painting and the shit turns photo-negative when I connect pieces. Anyway, some guy named Dave O’Brien is replacing Brent Musburger today, which pisses me off. Oh well.

12:01 – Dave just called OSU “Greg Oden’s Buckeyes”. Doesn’t this have to piss off the seniors? Those guys were the Big Ten champs last year, had a strong tournament, and now it’s “Oden’s Buckeyes” or “Conley’s Buckeyes” every game. That’d tick me off.

12:03 – Good sign number 1: OSU is wearing the new supertight uniform tops. For those unfamiliar, these are a new uniform with tops that fit tightly, that a number of teams will be playing in the tourney will wear. Strange note on these tops. They’re from Nike, and apparently they have the LeBron on them. LeBron, who never played in the NCAA. Strange.

12:04 – Good start, already had our first turnover. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

12:06 – Steve Lavin thinks both teams look much better than they did to start the day yesterday. I disagree, I think OSU looked fantastic in their hotel rooms.

12:09 – Okay, the first timeout of the game gives me my first chance to talk about something random in basketball news. Up first we have Dwayne Wade’s decision to rehab his shoulder and return this season. Dwayne, listen to me: SHUT IT DOWN, LITTLE MAN. (side note, do you ever find yourself referring to basketball players who are a foot taller than you in diminutive terms, simply because they play with people so freakishly large they seem much smaller? Cause Wade could whoop my ass without either hand or foot, and I just called him “little man”, simply because he’s so much smaller than Shaq.) Anyway, this might sound like I just don’t want the Pistons playing you in the playoffs, but that’s really got nothing to do with it. Dwayne, you’re 25. You’ve got years left in your prime. Give it up this season, and come back next year healthy. Do you honestly think Shaq or Riley would risk their health for you? They’d dump you faster than…something that gets dumped quickly. Metaphor fails me.

12:15 – Ekpe Udoh just came in. Nothing really important about that, but it gives me a chance to type Ekpe Udoh and you a chance to read it. And that’s fun the whole family can enjoy.

12:17 – Petway just slammed it home hard, giving ESPN an excuse to show his ridiculous haircut. His girlfriend shaved the famous wings of the Michigan helmet into his hair. Which would be fine, except they did it backwards. Instead of making his hair into the wings, they shaved the wings out of his hair. It looks absurd.

12:20 – Incidentally, Ekpe Udoh is a 6-10 240 black man who grew up in Oklahoma. That had to be an interesting childhood. I imagine he was used as a local reference point. “The gas station? Well, go about a mile down that road, until you see a 6-10 black kid, and then turn left.”

12:25 – Steve Lavin informs me that the United Center has some of the best hot dogs in the Midwest. Good to know, Steve.

12:26 – Ooooh good news, Erin Andrews on the sideline. Several hundred college boys flipping between this and the UNC came on ESPN2 just set down their channel changers.

12:27 – Thad Matta’s (OSU’s coach) daughter apparently didn’t want to stand for the national anthem. Lesson: the Buckeyes hate our troops. Alternatively she may have been 4 years old and engrossed in her pizza…speaking of which, I should grab lunch.

12:32 – Steve Lavin just commented that Michigan needs to win this game “if they want a chance to make the tournament.” Which raises an interesting possibility. Maybe we don’t want a chance. Maybe Tommy Amaker hates the NCAA tournament. That would explain a lot about the last few years.

12: 38 – Harris cuts it to 1. TOURNEY BABY! Okay, actually there’s 23 minutes left, so I may be speaking too soon.

12:40 – Okay, second totally random basketball aside: Scottie Pippen coming back to the NBA. Some of my readers may not be familiar with Scottie (which is sad), but he played with Jordan on the Bulls…which was 10 years ago for those who don’t recall. In fact, Scottie hasn’t even played in 3 years and he’s now 41 years old. Now, if Scottie wants to come back, that’s fine. If he can play well enough to get signed, then good for him. But I wouldn’t want to be a young player on the team that signed him. Every damn time you laced up your shoes he’d be leaning over your shoulder “In my day we didn’t have all these fancy sneakers. We played barefoot when we had too. And the floor was uphill…both ways.”

12:44 – My friend just informed me that the a television pilot is being developed around the cavemen from the GEICO commercials and a movie is being made for the Burger King. I think the idiocy of both of these ideas pretty much speaks for itself, so I’ll just leave it at that.

12:45 – Dave O’Brien is comparing the “coaching styles” of Thad Matta and Tommy Amaker. I can sum that up pretty quickly: one of them is a good coach, the other is not. I leave it to you to decide which one is which (here’s a hint: one of them has never been in the NCAA Tournament). Anyway, they were actually talking about how animated Matta is and how deadpan Tommy is. This prompted Steve Lavin to compare Tommy Amaker to John Wooden. Now, I’m not saying comparing Tommy Amaker to John Wooden (who won 10 NCAA championships) is like comparing apples and oranges. I’m saying it’s like comparing the number 72 to Baroque music. It’s like comparing conjunctions to the Cuban Missile Crisis. It’s like comparing John Wayne Gacy to the theoretical dark energy that may be driving the acceleration of the expansion of the universe.

12:50 – Jay Bilas is explaining why Duke will still be an 8 or 9 seed at the lowest. This is where, as a blogger, I’m supposed to rail against the Duke Bias in the media, and how Coach K is the devil, etc, etc. But I really like Duke. I always liked Duke, and I like them even more now, cause their law school sent me a USB key, despite the fact that I really have no intention of going there. Go Duke!

1:01 – Dammit, I just bit my lip on my pizza. Also, I think I have a cavity. In case you wanted to know.
1:03 – ESPN just showed a commercial for an online dating service called “ItsJustLunch.COM.” Basically the commercial shows a guy at work who gets mocked after his co-workers saw his online dating profile. ItsJustLunch offers you an online dating service with “no photos or online profiles”. ItsJustLunch.com, for the online daters who want to skip getting to know each other and go right to being brutally raped and murdered by serial killers. I’m all for online dating, but this particular service is just fucking creepy.

1:10 – Greg Oden was just surrounded by four Michigan players and still grabbed the rebound. I fucking hate that guy.

1:11 – Steve Lavin tells us that Michigan needs to make sure we don’t allow OSU to go on one of its “patented runs”. Which leads me to something I’ve noticed recently: we use “patented” too much. I think it might be a problem particular to sports, but maybe it extends further. Anyway, if something is patented, then only one person/group can do it. OSU’s runs are not “patented”. Many teams go on runs. For example, the good ones. Tom Brady’s comebacks (much as I love them) are not “patented”. Many QBs lead comebacks. You want something patented? Try Drew Stanton’s poor decisions. Those are fucking unique.

1:14 – Mike Conley just had to come out after running into a screen from Petway. Lesson: Buckeyes are pussies (who hate our troops).

1:19 – Steve Lavin tells me that some of the greatest gangsters of all time hail from Chicago. Also there’s good shopping on Michigan Avenue. I had no idea how much Musburger held this team up.

1:33 – Okay, Michigan is now within 4, with the ball with 9 minutes left. It’s possible I’m going to zone out and watch the game for a while. I’ll leave you with a cute picture of a puppy to entertain you.

2:00 – Anyone who wants to start a “Fire Tommy Amaker” club, I’m down for it. I’m off to lay down in the fetal position in the shower and cry.

Tom Vilsack 2008: At Least I'm Not Black

2007-02-24T11:34:00.000-08:00

First off, sorry about the long break. I never quite got a post together two weeks ago, and then I left on Spring Break. In an attempt at penance, I'll be posting this tonight (a post I started before break) and another post later this week. Moving on.

For those of you who don't obsessively check Google News in search of material for the humor blog that you keep, you may not have heard that Governor Tom Vilsack has withdrawn his name from the race for the Deomocratic nomination for president.

I'm sure many of you share a common question: Who the fuck is Tom Vilsack?

Fair question. Tom Vilsack is the Governor of Iowa. He officially declared that he would be running about three months ago, but everyone had already assumed as much. As near as I can tell he was running solely on home court advantage, hoping that he could do well enough in the Iowa primary that everyone would forget they had no idea who he was.

Astonishingly, this plan didn't work out so well. Governor Visack apparently withdrew because he was finding it too hard to amass campaign funds against Obama and Clinton.

Which leads me to my question: Shouldn't that have occured to his advisors three months ago? Cause if Governor Vilsack had called me, I could have told him that the various NGOs across the country were going to be slightly more likely to give money to the new Golden Boy of the Democratic Party or the wife of the last Democrat people actually liked than some guy from Iowa nobody's ever heard of. And if he had called most of you, you would have asked who the fuck he was, and that probably would have given him basically the same message.

Incidentally, I think at least one candidate for the Democratic nomination should have the slogan indicated in the title of this post. I'm pretty sure a slight modification could actually work for John Edwards. John Edwards 2008: He's White and Has a Penis.

Earlier today, the following headline was posted on Google News: "Protests after US Troops Kill 16 Afghans". Now look, I realize that Afghan is the technically correct term from a person from Afghanistan, but would it really be the end of the world if we changed it? Cause I read a tragic headline like that, and I should be upset, and instead I giggle, because I can't get the image of soldiers mowing down blankets out of my head.

Cause French people don't call themselves French right? It's Francais or something. But we go right ahead and call them French. So why can't we change Afghan to something less silly?

Finally, I considered writing a post about the following website, but I decided I wouldn't be able to write anything funnier than the site itself, so check this out (oh and this isn't safe for work): Teddy Babes.

Al Franken: Why Not Me?

2007-02-15T12:14:00.000-08:00

Since I didn't put together a post at all last week, I figured I should pull double duty this week, so here's your second dosing of the FMRC.

First up, Al Franken announced that he will be campaigning for the Democractic nomination for the Senate in Minnesota in 2008. For those unfamiliar with Al Franken, he wrote for SNL for years, and is most famous for his character Stuart Smalley.

Franken in 2008: Because I'm good enough, I'm smart enough, and doggone it, people like me.

Over/under on when that joke becomes old: 2 days.

Anyway, much has been made about the fact that as a comedy writer, Franken's experience in politics extends only to a SNL sketch in which he played Senator Paul Tsongas appearing at a Star Trek conventon during the 1992 presidential campaign (if you haven't seen this sketch, find it, it's fantastic).

But what nobody seems to be bringing up is Al Franken's book Why Not Me? Personally, I find it bizarre that nobody is mentioning it.

The book is a fictionalizied account of Franken running for President in 2000, winning through an amazing series of coincidences, and the horrible mess that electing a comedy writer as president leads to. (If you haven't read it, and you enjoy politics, I highly recommend it, while outdated at this point, it's still pretty fucking funny).

Anyway, I just find it strange that a man who once wrote about killing hookers while on the campaign trail is now going to be running for Senate.

Meanwhile in another state nobody gives a damn about (Washington in this case), a most interesting ballot intiative is being ciruclated. Basically the initiative says that any marriage that does not produce children within three years would be annulled.

It probably sounds a little too wacky to be true, and it is. The initiative is being pushed by a group that calls itself the Washington Defense of Marriage Alliance as a sort of back-door defense of gay marriage (pun completely intended).

See, a Washington Court recently ruled against gay marriage largely on the grounds that marriage is an institution intended to further procreation. So the WDMA (which is in fact a group of only about a dozen or so gay rights activists) figured that if that's the case, why not make it the law? If you aren't going to make babies, you shouldn't be getting married.

The group publicly admits that it doesn't want to see the intiative pass and that it's only trying to make a point about the constitutionality of the court's decision. Which is unfortunate, because I just love the idea of some right-wing fundamentalist nutjob finding out that she's barren and being forced to get her marriage annulled.

Yeah that's right, I'm taking joy in the damaged reproductive system of a hypothetical woman. That's how bitter and cynical I've become folks. And she's being legally forced to leave her hypothetical husband too, so she's doomed to die alone. That's some funny shit.

Speaking of annulments, I recently learned that in Michigan it is a felony to commit adultery. Now this is one of those laws that never actually gets enforced, but it raises some interesting questions.

The law defines adultery as sex between two persons, one of whom is married to a third person. Further, it states that if the sex is between a married woman and an unmarried man, then both the man and the woman are guilty of adultery. (As opposed to if a married man has sex with an unmarried woman, in which case only the man is guilty of adultery).

So here's my first question: What if a married woman sleeps with an unmarried woman? Is the unmarried woman guilty of adultery? Or what if a married man sleeps with an umarried man?

Or how about if a married person has sex with a dolphin? Is that adultery? How about a chimpanzee?

And pretty soon we'll probably have robots? What if you have sex with one of them? Is that adulter? How about if the robot has artificial intelligence?

What about if the unmarried person is dead? Is that adultery? And if so, does it depend on whether the orifice in question is natural or man-made?

So many quesitons.

Birth Control is Funny

2007-02-13T12:30:00.000-08:00

As many of you know, tomorrow is Valentine's Day, and so I think it's pretty obvious what I'd like to talk about first today at the FMRC: Birth Control.

I was watching television earlier today, when I saw a commercial for the NuvaRing, a relatively recent method of birth control that involves a woman placing a flexible ring inside herself once a month.

Two thing struck me about this commercial: (1) The device is not recommended for women with diabetes, heart conditions, or women who are pregnant. Umm...maybe I'm missing something here, but if you're pregnant, I think it's a little late for the NuvaRing.

(2) They called the device a "vaginal ring". Now, accuracy of description aside, I'm not sure this is the best possible advertising. "Vaginal ring" is not exactly the most appealing phrase I've ever heard. But that might just be because I'm remarkably immature. For example, the following portions of their website FAQ made me giggle:

"Will my partner feel NuvaRing? In a survey among thousands of NuvaRing users, 8 out of 10 partners did not feel NuvaRing, and those who did generally did not mind." Well, yes actually I did feel a little piece of plastic in there, but I just figured it was a lego or something. Those little things get everywhere.

"What should I do if I forget to put a new contraceptive ring in?" Umm, don't have sex?

"Will NuvaRing cause an infection if used as directed?" Yes, yes it will. But ask yourself what's worse: having to deal with taking a pill every day, or having a vaginal infection?

"Will NuvaRing fall out? The muscles of your vagina will keep NuvaRing securely in place, even during exercise or sex. You can check the contraceptive ring periodically with your finger." Just reach in there every so often while at work, home, or even on the subway.

"How do I stop using NuvaRing® if I want to get pregnant?" Don't put it in your vagina?

But none of that made me giggle anywhere near as hard as this cartoon of How to Insert and Remove NuvaRing

Long story short: I'm twelve years old.

Behold the Quad-Laser!

2007-02-02T13:45:00.000-08:00

As many of you no doubt read, this past Wednesday, electronic circuit boards with LED lights in the shape of Inignot from the cartoon Aqua Teen Hunger Force were found all around Boston as part of an advertising campaign. The campaign backfired when the devices were mistaken for bombs. I can't find a good picture of it, but suffice to say the "device" looks very much like a Lite Brite. Anyway, the Boston authorities actually arrested the two men who put up the boards, and are currently debating pressing charges.

Now this is from CNN: "Assistant Attorney General John Grossman called the light boards "bomblike" devices and said that if they had been explosive they could have damaged infrastructure and transportation in the city."

Couldn't that be said about pretty much anything? IF mailboxes were explosive they could have damaged the city. IF number two pencils were explosive they could have damaged the city.

IF they were explosive? What sort of fucked up imaginary law enforcement notion is that?

"Your honor, I realize no one was hurt during the encounter, but IF the man's twinkie had in fact been an AK-47 he could have killed them all."

"If the Irish Setter the gentleman was walking had been a mountain lion, people could have seriously been hurt."

"If the young man had chosen not to hug the girl, and instead raped her, she would have suffered years of distress."

So what does he mean by bomblike, you ask? Well, I'll let Attorney General Coakley explain: "It had a very sinister apperance. It had a battery behind it, and wires."

Sounds like a bomb to me. Either that or an alarm clock. But hey, better safe than sorry. That's why I use a sundial at home. I don't trust them wires.

In other news, Defense Secretary Robert Gates gave a press conference and stated, flat out, "We are not planning for a war with Iran."

At first that made me feel a lot better, but then it occured to me that it doesn't really seem like we did any planning for a war with Iraq either.

(Get it? Get it? Cause the war has been mismanaged, you see. It hasn't gone well. Many things have gone wrong. And we can't seem to figure out how to make it work. Almost as if no planning was done beforehand. Ahh, I kill myself.)

Dikembe Mutumbo? Dikembe Mutumbo?

2007-01-24T15:30:00.000-08:00

This Tuesday saw President Bush's State of the Union address, his first to be delivered to a Democratic Congress, after having been thoroughly pasted in the midterm elections. It was a historic event, so naturally I missed it. I have however, started going through the transcript, and naturally I have a collection of comments. As usual, the President's remarks will be in italics, while my smarmy retorts follow.

We enter the year 2007 with large endeavors underway, and others that are ours to begin.

READ: Next up, Iran.

We're not the first to come here with a government divided and uncertainty in the air. Like many before us, we can work through our differences, and achieve big things for the American people. Our citizens don't much care which side of the aisle we sit on...

Just so long as it's the opposite side of the aisle as you there, Georgey boy.

We set a goal of cutting the deficit in half by 2009, and met that goal three years ahead of schedule.

And all it took was running up unbelievably massive deficits in 2001-03, thus setting the bar so low a fucking hippopotamus could have jumped over it.

Five years ago, we rose above partisan differences to pass the No Child Left Behind Act, preserving local control, raising standards, and holding those schools accountable for results.

Preserving local control... by imposing uniform national standards. That makes sense.

The No Child Left Behind Act has worked for America's children -- and I ask Congress to reauthorize this good law.

(At which point I will again fail to provide the adequate funding that was promised.)

When it comes to health care, government has an obligation to care for the elderly, the disabled, and poor children.

Ronald Regean is rolling over in his grave. This man calls himself a Republican?

To secure our border, we're doubling the size of the Border Patrol, and funding new infrastructure and technology.

The same technology that failed to protect the Chinese from Genghis Kahn.

Five years have come and gone since we saw the scenes and felt the sorrow that the terrorists can cause.

And not a day has passed that I've failed to mention it.

We've added many critical protections to guard the homeland.

For example, a totally neat color-coding system

Yet one question has surely been settled: that to win the war on terror we must take the fight to the enemy.

Right, that's why we declared war on Saudi Arabia...wait a minute.

The enemy knows that the days of comfortable sanctuary, easy movement, steady financing, and free flowing communications are long over. For the terrorists, life since 9/11 has never been the same.

Umm, with all due respect, Mr. President, what the fuck are you smoking? What sort of paradise do you think the terrorists were living in? "Comfortable sanctuary"? Every time we saw Osama he was in a fucking cave. Caves are like the opposite of comfortable. Caves are UNcomfortable.

The evil that inspired and rejoiced in 9/11 is still at work in the world.

Seriously. Those fucking Jews. (dude, you're going to get us in trouble again -ed.)

They want to overthrow moderate governments, and establish safe havens from which to plan and carry out new attacks on our country.

Wait, wait...they want to find countries in the Middle East whose governments aren't run by Islamic fundamentalists, and then overthrow those governments, leading to anarchistic breeding ground for terrorists? What sort of a psychotic bastard would do that?

Alright, that's about all the smarminess I can muster at the moment. I'd like to take the rest of this post to address why I think Senator Obama might actually make a good candidate, or at the very least why I (and I think many others) like him. This part may or may not be funny.

I think, more than anything, it's what Obama represents to people. I grant that I don't know that much about Obama's politics, because he hasn't really been around long enough to take that many stances. But that's not what I care about at the moment. I am one of many people who think that the problems with our government run deeper than partisan causes. The problems are systematic, caused by a government that's more concerned with being re-elected than with solving problems.

I think that to most of us, Obama represents some fresh blood. A different way of approaching things than the rest of Washington has. Now, I grant you that maybe this is bullshit. Maybe Obama will turn out to be the same type of politician that most of those in Washington become. But if I had to guess why I hope that he isn't, I think it's simply that I have to hope that someone isn't. There's a wonderful quote that "a second marriage is the triumph of hope over experience." I think it's something like that.

And I grant that him being black is a significant roadblock to his campaign. But if anything, that just feeds into the hope. Cause if we actually were to elect a black president, it would mean that things really had changed in the last forty years.

I don't, however, grant that his lack of experience hurts him. If anything, I think that's his best strength. Because it won't give the Republicans anything to hit him with. He won't have a significant enough voting record to actually target.

I don't know that we're capable of electing a black man at the moment, and if I had to guess I'd put my money firmly on no. And if we did elect him, I don't know that he'd be a good president. I don't know that he'd be anything like what I want him to be. But I can tell you why I hold out hope.

I had a prof once who, when I remarked I was thinking about becoming a politician, told me that we don't need any more politicians. What we need are more statesmen. I don't know which of the two Obama is, but I can certainly tell you which one I think Hillary, Edwards, Biden, Dodd and all the rest of the Democrats are.

The USS Gerry?

2007-01-16T17:42:00.000-08:00

Hey peoples, I'm pondering a possible post of a personal persuasion (check out my boy's mad alliteration skizzills -ed.), but for this week, I think we'll just stick to a "making fun of random news stories" type post. So let's get at it, shall we?

I talked last week about Gerald Ford's legacy, well you might be happy to know that the US Navy has decided to name the first of a new class of aircraft carriers after him. The ship will launch from Maryland and travel up the Atlantic coast to Canadian waters, where most experts believe it will trip over an iceberg and sink.

RIM has announced that the new BlackBerry line will also be available in white. The mind boggles. Anyway, apparently the white BlackBerry will be especially designed for financial software, while the original black BlackBerry will be best used to download hip-hop music and play NBA Jam. (Wow...that was just uncalled for -ed.)

Speaking of basketball, Chris Webber just signed with the Pistons. In related news, Joe Dumars has petitioned the NBA that all teams should be granted an extra time-out, "just in case".

In science news, the first successful uterus transplant has been carried out in New York. This is wonderful news, especially for my roommate, who's dream of allowing gay men to bear children through a device he calls the "uter-ass" is now one step closer.

Incidentally, this past weekend was MLK weekend. On Saturday TNT showed the following three movies back-to-back-to-back: Assassins, Grosse Pointe Blank, and The Whole Nine Yards. All of these movies revolve around hitmen...does that seem strange to anyone else?

As most of you probably know, President Bush announced a new plan for Iraq last Wednesday. The plan was met with widespread dissaproval from pundits, Democrats, and many military experts. But what you might not know is that yesterday the Saudi Arabian government stated their approval of the President's plan. And if the Saudis like it, it must be a good idea.

And finally, in other political news, Senator Barack Obama has announced his candidacy for President. As my readers should know, this delights me to no end. I don't really have a joke here, I just wanted to let you all know in case you hadn't heard.

Catching up in the New Year

2007-01-09T12:41:00.000-08:00

Well, I'm finally back here at the FMRC after my two week hiatus. Quite a bit happened in the world in the meantime, so I figured a catch-up post would be a good idea.

We went on break on December 18th, and just three days later JK Rowling announced the title of the 7th Harry Potter book: Harry Potter and the Deathly Hallows. This is, by far, the worst title announcement since Star Wars Episode I: The Phantom Menace. (Episode I was itself the worst title announcment since it was revealed that the sequel to the Gospel of Luke would be called: Peter and Luke's Bogus Journey. At the urging of St. Paul it was later retitled the Acts of the Apostles).

Of course, it doesn't really matter what she called the 7th book, it isn't like it's going to affect book sales. Frankly, she could call it Harry Potter and the Shit-Covered Gonad and it wouldn't matter (in fact, millions of dorks would probably have gone all a twitter when they realized that A Shit Covered Gonad is an anagram for "Ron is dead, the vag"* Ooooooh).

Five days later, President Gerald Ford died, and everyone between the ages of 18 and 35 thought to themselves "Gerald Ford was eaten by a pack of wolves." It's a shame, really, that a man who was once the most powerful man in the world is commemorated largely by Dana Carvey pretending to be...Tom Brokaw? Ted Koppel? Who the fuck is he supposed to be in that sketch?

Anyway, President Ford joins a long list of people who, once dead, were remembered best for an SNL sketch. Among them are such greats as Harry Caray, Ross Perot**, and of course the much beloved Land Shark.

Saddam Hussein was hung...which is fun. As many of you know, someone recorded it on a cell phone and leaked it to the internet. To date, it has been viewed on YouTube over 1.5 million times. This leaves it only 48 million behind "Dick in the Box."

Well that's about all I can think of. Hope you all had a good break, and that you continue reading in the New Year.

*A Shit Covered Gonad is actually an angram for Ron is dead, the vag-co, but as we all well know, stage magicians use the term "vag-co" in place of the more common "vag".

** Not actually dead yet.

A Frobozz Christmas

2006-12-18T14:41:00.000-08:00

I'm doing everything I can to maintain my X-mas spirit. Crazed basketball players, drunken Miss USAs and my psychotic internet connection aside, I'm trying to stay jolly dammit. So this post will be a collection of good cheer and merry holiday stories.

Right after I rip on Carmelo Anthony for a bit.

For those who don't treat PTI as their major news source, the NY Knicks and Denver Nuggets had...let's call it a spat...the other night. You can read all about it here.

I don't really have a huge problem with Carmelo taking a swing at Collins. He was trying to stand-up for a teammate, and (stupid or not) you can't get on a guy too much for that. But after connecting solidly with Collins, he proceeded to run away backwards. What the fuck? What kind of third grade bullshit is that?

But what should I expect from a guy with a WB tattoo on his shoulder?

Seriously, he has a tattoo of the WB logo on his shoulder. How did that happen? Here's the only thing I can come up with.

[Carmelo Anthony and his boys are walking back to the hotel after a night out on the road]

Entourage member #1: Man, Earl Boykins is fucking weird tiny.

EM #2: Yeah, playing with him must be freaky, huh Melo? He's like that little mob boss from the old Bugs Bunny cartoons.

Carmelo: Shit yeah, dog, that Mob Boss was fucking awesome. But you know who I really loved? Fucking Speedy Gonzales.

EM #1: Hell's yeah fucking Speedy was the man.

EM #2: Dude, is that a tattoo parlor?

Anyway, shitty tattoo selection aside, Carmelo (and everyone else involved) is a moron.

Okay, enough Grinching. Let's get jolly.

First up, in a story of cross-cultural holiday joy, a Rabbi in South Jersey is going to get a kidney transplant from a methodist pastor. I'm certain there's a Kosher joke to be made here, but I can't seem to put my finger on it.

In the giving spirit of the season, a teenager found $24,000 at a movie theater and returned it to the lady it belonged too. Why did the woman have $24,000 in cash on her at the movie theater you ask? Because she "hadn't had time to go to the bank." Hey, I'm happy she got the money back, and mad props to the kid for giving it to her, but some people deserve to get nothing but coal, okay? Who carries $24,000 in their purse to a MOVIE?

Hmm, I should probably go deposit this so I can stop worrying about it, but I really want to see that new Bond movie...I'm sure it can wait. Oh, and I should stop off at the nearest innercity and play some pick-up basketball first too.

What the fuck? If I had $24,000 on me and a hole in my stomach, I'd go to the bank before the hospital. Those EMTs have sticky fingers, I'm just saying.

And it's been a wonderful Christmas for breasts. First up, a Florida judge ruled that Elizabeth Book was not guilty of disorderly conduct for baring her breasts outside some auditorium in Daytona Beach. She was publicly protesting the anti-nudity laws of the city, and the judge ruled that since the city's actions were intended to end her protest they were apparently infringing her right to free speech. God Bless America.

And God Bless Amsterdam, where a new report shows that women's breasts there keep growing, and over a third of the country now have D-cups. If that doesn't fill you the warm glow of Christmas cheer, I don't know what will.

Have a merry X-mas and a happy new year, everyone. I'm taking the next two weeks off, so I'll be re-posting sometime the week of the 8th.

Pissing and Pledging

2006-12-12T12:28:00.000-08:00

I tend to try to stay away from "personal narratives" in the blog here, but I'm about to violate that rule for the second time in as many weeks. Oh well.

Today I was sitting in a public restroom stall, doing my business, when a man entered the stall next to me. He proceeded to, as I like to call it, "torrentially urinate". I'm sure all the guys are familiar with this type of urination, when rather than a crisp ring of porcelain, you hear what sounds like a monsoon coming out of the fellow. This is the sort of peeing that makes you fear that a great dam has burst, and the entire bathroom may flood.

I'm not sure if ladies have similar experiences or not, and I don't want to know.

Anyway, the fact that he was torrentially urinating was distracting, but not that interesting in itself. What I found strange was that the flow stopped after maybe two and a half seconds. Seriously. And it didn't start up again either. It was like a thunderstorm broke, it poured for an instant, and then the sun started shining again. I was remarkably confused. (Plus I felt bad for the guy, because that sort of piss can't be anywhere near as satisfying as a long-drawn out stream... more on the joys of peeing.

I'd also like to voice my concern over the growing number of gentlemen who seem very comfortable chatting in the men's room. Not cool. The only circumstance under which bathroom discussions are allowed are (a)when intoxicated or (b)after a sporting event. Except for these two, it's simply not acceptable.

Okay, on to actual news in the world, Nancy Pelosi (she's the new Speaker of the House for those who don't follow such things), pledged today that she would be protecting the House Pages, in response to the Foley scandal and the Republicans having covered it up.

This, more than anything I've ever seen, speaks to just how little we now expect from politicians. The woman is making a specific pledge that she won't tolerate child molestation. Is this really something that needs to be said? Shouldn't we be able to assume that "anti-child molestation" is the stance that everyone we vote for is taking?

I'm imagining the possiblity of the Democrats taking the White House in 2008 and keeping up with this strategy. Will the President-Elect make a pledge not to get us involved in unneccessary foreign wars/condone torture of prisoners/mispronounce things constantly?

And that wouldn't be half as good as the Veep's pledge not to shoot friends in the face.

Why I Shouldn't Have Kids

2006-12-07T20:11:00.000-08:00

I'd like to start of this week's post by giving a shout out to one of my new readers.

As my loyal readers may recall, on November 21 I wrote a post where I mentioned, among other things, how ridiculous I thought it was that Mel Kiper thinks Drew Stanton is a good draft pick. Specifically, I was annoyed that Mel Kiper included Drew on his "Big Board", his top 25 potential picks.

Well, on November 22nd, Mel dropped Drew. And I think it's pretty clear what that means.

Mel Kiper reads my blog. So Mel, this post is for you, and your fabulous, fabulous hair.

The Mayo Clinic just released a study that found that men with arthritic knees can suffer more severe pain and cartilage loss if they smoke. My question, is why precisely would anyone care?

Do these doctors think a lot of smokers out there are saying to themselves, "You know, increased risk of heart-disease, chronic lung diseases, emphezema, pnuemonia, abdominal aortic aneurysms, acute myeloid leukemia, various reproductive problems and cancer of the lungs, mouth, throat, larynx, esophagus, bladder, kidneys, pancreas and stomach doesn't bother me all that much. But I fucking HATE it when my knees hurt. I got to kick this shit."

I'm just saying, if lung cancer didn't dissaude you, but severe knee pain does, you might want to rethink your priorities.

In a completely unrelated note, I wanted to share with you all a very funny idea that I and two of my best friends had about 4 or 5 years ago. I'm not sure who started the idea and who refined it or whatever, I just remember that it's fantastic.

Basically, this is the best idea for a practical joke to play on your child that I can possibly imagine. It works best with a girl, but it could go either way.

First, in the first months of your child's life, you cover them in blue body paint. Make sure to take lots of pictures. Only take pictures of your kid when they are painted for the first six months or so. At this point you can stop painting your child.

When your kid grows older, say five or six, look through old photo albums with him/her. Make sure these albums have plenty of pictures where your child is blue. When your kids asks why they're blue, tell them that it's because they have a very rare disease called indidermis. Indidermis causes the pigmentation in the body to change, and turns the entire body blue. Tell them you had them treated when they were a baby, and it got rid of the problem. However, the doctor said that Indidermis can lay dormant for decades before returning. He said you should keep an eye out for any parts of the child turning blue later in life, because it might be the first sign of an outbreak that would be treatable, but probably last for a week or so.

Make sure to keep this story up as your child grows. If necessary, convince friends, teachers and even doctors to be your accomplices (you may need to have friends pose as doctors if your real doctor is too "ethical" for this).

Then, two days before your child's prom while they are sleeping, paint their nose blue.

Now you can sit back and have a good laugh while your daughter or son freaks out over how is life is ruined.

Global Peace through Mutual Masturbation

2006-11-28T18:12:00.000-08:00

I live in Ann Arbor, Michigan, which means I've been witness to some of the most pointless and ridiculous protests/movements mankind has to offer. Not a week goes by where someone doesn't protest something, and a lot of these protests don't really include any actual means for solving a problem.

For example, after the 2004 elections, a number of protesters marched to protest George W. Bush getting elected again. Mind you, they weren't protesting his foreign policy or his beliefs on seperation of church and state or his economic policies. They were simply protesting the fact that he won the election. Citizens Against Democracy or something like that.

And I was forced to wonder, what the hell did they hope to accomplish? Did the think that maybe if they got on the 6 o'clock news that President Bush would see a clip of it and decide to resign? Because that's fairly unlikely.

Once upon a time protests had a purpose. People wanted something to change. MLK led sit-ins to force an end to segregated establishments. Our parents marched to convince the government to withdraw from Vietnam. Gahndi fasted so that he could fit into that skimpy little diaper he was always wearing. And so on.

But my generation seems to protest a vague sentiment of evil without any actual plans for change. There was a stop sign by my old house in Ann Arbor. As with many stop signs someone had spray painted a word beneath it (i.e Stop War, Stop Bush, Stop Racism, Stop Movie-Tie-in Legos...). This particular sign read "Stop Them". I still think of it as the perfect symbol of my generation.

My generation that seems to protest things simply so that they can hear themselves complain and congratulate each other for being so compassionate and worldy. The perfect example of this is all the protests for world peace. Every other day I see a hunger strike for world peace, or a bowl-a-thon for world peace, or a sit-in for world peace, as if a bunch of college students walking around carrying signs with catchy slogans are going to convince all the people in the world who hate each other to lay down arms. Guess what guys, world peace requires more than happy sentiments. It requires growing an economic infrastructure in Africa, solving century long ethnic and religious disputes, and figuring out a way for scarce resources to be available in abundance to everyone. I'm just saying, you might want to throw more than one bowl-a-thon next month.

At the end of the day, all these protests are really nothing more than giant circle jerks for world peace, so that everyone involved can feel better about themselves. And if you don't believe me that these events are just mutual masturbation festivals, I give you the Global Orgasm for Peace.

Yes, that's right the Global Orgasm for Peace. December 22nd marks the First Annual Solstice Synchronized Global Orgasm for Peace.

"The mission of the Global Orgasm is to effect change in the energy field of the Earth through input of the largest possible surge of human energy. Now that there are two more US fleets heading for the Persian Gulf with anti- submarine equipment that can only be for use against Iran, the time to change Earth’s energy is NOW!

The intent is that the participants concentrate any thoughts during and after orgasm on peace. The combination of high- energy orgasmic energy combined with mindful intention may have a much greater effect than previous mass meditations and prayers."

Now, I know what you're probably thinking: "Wow, what a fucking crack-pot idea. What do these guys think is going to happen?" Here's my guess.

These guys believe that if they all blow their wad at once, that somewhere in the Atlantic the following scene will play itself out on a nuclear submarine:

[The submarine's captain puts his hand to his head and sits down]
Executive Officer: Are you all right? What's wrong?

Captain: I felt a great disturbance in the Force...as if millions of
voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced. I fear
something terrible has happened.

XO: You mean like innocents being killed?

Captains: No, more like bedsheets being soiled, tissue paper being wasted, and women being left unsatisfied.

Either they think that's a realistic possibility, or it's all a giant scam by a guy whose girlfriend has been reluctant to go all the way.

"Baby, let's go all the way tonight."

"I thought we talked about this, Johnny, I'm just not ready yet."

"I know honey, but...well...it's the Winter Solstice. And when I think about all those children dying in Darfur...well I think maybe you owe it to them to spread your legs for me, don't you?"

That's right kids. Ask not what mankind can do for your penis. Ask what your penis can do for mankind.

Turkey Day

2006-11-21T18:16:00.000-08:00

Well folks, it'll be Thanksgiving in just a couple of days, and you all know what that means, right?

(Oh God, tell me it doesn't mean another ridiculous "special holiday" post with a guest appearance by Scott Baio -ed.)

What's wrong with guest appearances by Scott Baio?

(They're retarded, that's what, no one wants to read another fucking Scott Baio post, not even Scott Baio -ed.)

(Tru dat. -Scott Baio)

Okay fine, no Scott Baio. But in that case I'm going to channel my inner alpha male and ramble about sports for a couple of hundred words. (Works for me -ed.)

Well, it wouldn't be Thanksgiving if we didn't watch a Detroit Lions game while feeling completely apathetic about the outcome since they can't possibly make the playoffs and even if they manage to get a high draft pick, they'll just blow it on another wide receiver.

Actually, I'm excited about the draft. I think it's finally the right time for the Detroit Lions to draft their quarterback for the future. Brady Quinn you ask? No, fuck that Irish bastard (save during the game this Saturday...Go Irish!). I'm talking about MSU QB Drew Stanton.

Here's what Mel Kiper (ESPN's football draft guru for those of you who aren't big sports fans) has to say about Drew Stanton: Desire to win is unmatched and brings every intangible you want at the QB position.

And that can only mean one thing: Mel Kiper has started smoking crack. Either that or his hair gel has finally seeped through his skull. "Every intangible you want at the QB position"? What the fuck are you talking about Mel? Are you refering to how he never wins big games? (0-3 against Michigan). Or how about his incredibly poor decision making skills? (see the 2006 Notre Dame game). Or the fact that his team has folded every year after losing to Michigan? (a combined 3-13 over three years).

Drew Stanton is a gifted quarterback who gets your hopes up and then crushes them by making horrible decisions and fuck-ups.

And that's why it's a match made in heaven. Think about it. When the anti-mojo of the Detroit Lions is combined with the innate losing abilities of Drew Stanton, they will make a force so powerful it will be able to lose any game, no matter how big their lead. They'll find new unthought of ways to lose games. I marvel at the thought. A team of that caliber could score first in overtime and still lose.

Speaking of MSU, I want to toss in my two cents on their search for a new football coach. I fully endorse the idea being floated around that Izzo should coach the team. It's not like he has to actually call plays or anything, he just has to fire the team up at half time. Hell, he could probably keep coaching the basketball team and still do a better job than MSU's past football coaches.

But, the best sports news around revolves around a completely meaningless regular season NBA game. In a match-up between the Knicks and Houston Rockets, Yao Ming's shot was BLOCKED by Nate Robertson.

Now, for the record, Yao Ming measures at 7'5" (or maybe 7'6" depending on who you believe). So that's pretty damn impressive right there.

But those of you who follow the NBA know that it's even more impressive than that. Because Nate Robertson is just 5'9" tall. To give you some perspective, I'm 5'9" tall.

Well, 5'8".

Okay, okay, 5'7".

But still, the point holds that it's a pretty impressive sports play when you really...alright, you want the truth? FINE GODDAMMIT I'M ONLY 5'6"! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW? ARE YOU FUCKING HAPPY?

(deep breaths dude -ed.)

Okay, you probably don't need any perspective to realize how ridiculous a 5'9" guy blocking a 7'5" guy is. I mean, that's a 20 inch difference. I have a friend who's about a foot taller than I am, and I have trouble carrying on a conversation with him. Meanwhile Nate is blocking shots from a guy over a foot and a half taller than him.

I'd link to a video clip of the block, but frankly I'm still bitter about being 5'6" and I don't really give a damn about helping you out.

Happy Thanksgiving.

NES v2006

2006-11-15T21:07:00.001-08:00

It was a long time ago when video games passed me by. Somewhere around when they added a joystick to my controller was when I lost the ability to compete in that world. So anything I say on the subject should probably be taken with a grain of salt, given that it's coming from a video game fogey like me. Someone to whom the ultimate gaming code is still up down up down left right left right ba ba select start.

(Or was it ab ab? Or just start? Shit, I don't remember, anyway it doesn't matter you can just reset if you fuck it up)

But that said, I don't understand the current gaming culture's obsession with realism. It seems like every game made these days has to be as realistic as possible. Gamers demand that their machine guns recoil and that their football QBs only be able to see within the proper field of vision. The newest version of Madden has a feature in which you can play a single player (such as a wide receiver). But you can't just select what position you play, you have to get parents and then based on their genetics you're position will be determined. Then you play games as that player, blocking if you're a lineman, or covering wideouts if you're a corner, or complaining that the ball doesn't come your way enough if you're a wide receiver.

I don't know about other people, but I didn't play video games for realism. I played video games to escape. Imagine if the games we played were designed with realism in mind? Mario would never have saved a string of identical princesses from turtle...dragon..things. Instead he would have ran around and unclogged toilets. Extra lives would be granted not for finding 100 coins, but for showing 100 housewives your ass-crack.

With that in mind, I present to you, the new Video Games v2006 series, in which classic games are updated to be as realistic as possible.

Dr. Mario v2006: The general gameplay remains the same as classic Dr. Mario, but due to concerns of the over-presciption of anti-biotics, Dr. Mario v2006 strictly regulates how many pills can be used in each stage. Further, the gray/black pill is unusable as FDA approval is pending. Once the player beats level 7, he is sued for malpractive, and the rest of the game is spent litigating.

Punch-Out!!! v2006: The game is identical up until the player fights Mike Tyson, who is now much easier to beat, but will frequently bite off Little Mac's ear. Even if you defeat Tyson, however, Don King steals all your winnings and you wind up alone and severely brain damaged.

Duck Hunt v2006: In addition to massive graphics updates, in Duck Hunt v2006, the ducks appear only once every six hours. Also, instead of being packaged with Mario, Duck Hunt v2006 is packaged with a six-pack of beer.

Tetris v2006: The updated version of Tetris is slightly different than the original, although the overall concept remains similar. Instead of manipulating pieces made of four squares dropped from the top of the screen, the player joins a revolution against the repressive Tsar, only to find that the regime that replaces him is just as corrupt. Lines are still an important part of the game, although instead of accumalting them to "level up" the player waits in them to obtain the essential items needed to survive. Finally, no matter how well the player performs, soldiers grab him in the middle of the night, take him to Siberia, and execute him.

Final Fantasy v2006: This game is actually identical to the original, but in the case of Final Fantasy v2006, no sequels are made.

Track and Field v2006: Players who use their hands to simulate running on the game mat are now found guilty of steroid abuse, and banned from ever playing the game again.

Kirby's Dreamland v2006: In this new version of the NES classic, Kirby...umm...what the fuck is Kirby? Is he like a marshmallow? Or a cloud? Or just like a chubby pink third grader?

Bomberman v2006: Instead of running away from the blasts, the player is encouraged to be a martyr in the fight against the Great Satan, by strapping his bombs to himself and detonating them next to his opponent. Praise Allah!

Desert Commander v2006: The game starts off as normal, but once the player is victorious he finds that he has no clear exit strategy, leading to an increasing death toll in his soldiers and mounting disapproval at home.

Okay, I think I managed to make that sufficiently offensive by the end. I guess the moral of the story is this: Mudflaps don't go on mailboxes.

Election Recap

2006-11-09T12:18:00.000-08:00

Well, two days ago we all (READ: 40% of us) cast our votes to determine the future of our nation. I walked into the church at which I vote, marveling for a moment at the complete ineptness of our current voting procedures.

First I walked in and identified myself soley by giving a name, birthdate, and address. I have to provide more information than this to buy my allergy medication. But we can't make people provide voter IDs, because that would cost them money. Money they have to spend if they ever want to drive, buy alcohol, cigarettes, go to a doctor, or be employed by most companies. But we can't require it to vote, cause that'd be a poll tax.

Then the old bitties who run the polling location screwed everything up, because they're old bitties and moderately senile (extremely well-intentioned, but moderately senile nonetheless). Why do the people who work the polling place have to be incapable of running it efficiently? We don't pay them anything to work there, that's why.

Then, while standing in the makeshift polling booth, the wall of it continually crashed on my head while I try to vote, because we can't spend any money on getting decent polling equipment.

Damn, if only we had a ton of money that was raised in relation to these elections. Then we could take a small percentage of that money and use it to subsidize voter IDs, polling place wages, and decent equipment. God let me think...is there any money that gets changed hands during elections?

Oh hey, how about that $117 million that Michigan candidates raised? How about we take 1% of every dollar a candidate raises, and put it towards a general election fund, rather than one more goddamn flyer distribution. (You can get some info on campaign finance at the Michigan Campaign Finance Network. That's where I'm getting my number.)

Dick Devos raised over $40 million for this campaign. That means $40 million was spent to NOT elect a candidate. Add to that all the other candidates who lost, and Michigan alone probably spent over $50 million not electing people. Take that nationally (and assume that only 10 other states spend that much), and over half a billion dollars was just spent to not elect people.

Even if you don't think that our current lack of real campaign finance regulations creates a worse overall government (and it'd be hard for you to convince me of that), I think we can all agree on something: spending $500 million to not accomplish anything is pretty fucking stupid. You wouldn't, for example, spend $500 million dollars to not build a building. Or to not solve poverty. Or to not be able to shoot down a nuclear missile. Wait a minute...

Anyway, if there were any one law I could pass tomorrow it would be that every type of election would have a cap on how much money you could spend on it. $500,000 for congressional elections. $2,000,000 for Senate. So on and so forth.

But all that money did at least accomplish something: we have (for the time being) a Democrat-controlled House and Senate. Woo-hoo! Thank God.

Now we can look forward to a continued lack of direction in our foreign policy, a continued lack of interest in cleaning up corruption, and a continued lack of fiscal responsibilty. I've never been less excited about my team winning something in my life.

But, at the very least, we have a conflicted government now, and that's something. I think the 1994-2000 era was one of the greatest in our government's history, and I credit that largely to them not doing anything in particular. And I'm looking forward to nothing getting done for the next two years.

And if nothing else, this means our country is shifting back towards the center and out of the hands of the crazy religious right, right? Right? It does, doesn't it?

Well, in the words of the The Wolf, let's not start sucking each other's dicks just yet. Especially not while in the bonds of holy matrimony. That's right, another seven states voted to ban gay marriage.

But that's old news here in Michigan, what we're interested in now is affirmative action. Old Prop 2. The only thing on the ballot any of us really felt strongly about (except of course for the doves...lousy goddamn doves).

I don't want to get into an argument on the merits of affirmative action, or into the question of whether or not Prop 2 will affect a whole variety of programs that have nothing to do with affirmative action (although if you want to talk about either, leave a comment and I'm happy to do so).

But I do want to share with you a facebook message a friend of mine received. He had replaced his profile picture with the "NO on Prop 2" logo as many people had. He happens to feel strongly about the issue, as he is an African-American. This is the message a girl sent him this week:

"no on 2 eh??? im a WOMAN and i say YES on 2!!!!! it should be the most qualified person for any position!!!! you must be a nigger"

Now I'm certainly not equating people who voted yes on 2 with this obviously misguided girl (for example, I'm sure most of you don't feel it necessary to use multiple punctuation marks, and also believe in capitalizing the word 'I' and the beginning of a sentence, but I digress). I'm confident that many people voted yes on 2 because they geniunely felt that affirmative action isn't the best way to create equality, and maybe you're right about that. But if you voted yes on 2 because you don't think there's still inequality, I refer you to one of my favorite Chris Rock quotes: "There still ain't a white guy in here who would trade places with me - and I'm rich."

And We're Keeping Your Whiffle Balls.

2006-11-02T12:02:00.000-08:00

Well, the elections are in just 5 days or so, meaning the number of political television ads will increase exponentially over the next week. Personally, I don't get the average political ad, specifically the overwhelming majority of ads that are solely "attack" ads.

First off, I don't really get the overall motivation behind them. Imagine a world in which McDonald's commercials never said anything about their own burgers, but instead showed filthy BK workers and substandard BK ingredients, and BK's commercials were the same about McDonald's. Probably wouldn't make you want to run out and grab a burger would it? It'd probably just turn you off to eating fast food at all.

And that's exactly what the prominence of attack ads has done in America. It's turned people off of voting. Now, I can understand that it's almost always in one party's interest to keep voter turn-out low, but invariably both parties use attack ads.

But I'll accept that maybe you have to use attack ads to counteract the party that wants to keep voter turnout low. Even given that, I just can't understand why they're designed as they currently are. A generic political campaign ad:

"I'm a scary and unpleasant voice. I'm going to read the exact words that appear on the screen, since there's nothing people like more than being read to. No moving images will occur in this commercial, instead we'll just show a poorly-lit picture of the candidate I want you to hate."

How is that a good commercial? Would you buy beer based on a commercial like that? It's the 21st century, and you can't do anything more than a fucking powerpoint presentation?

If I was a candidate, I'd go to Budweiser and hire one of their advertising writers. You can't tell me people wouldn't be more inclined to vote for a candidate whose commercials were actually funny.

Speaking of funny, you may have heard about Kerry fucking up a joke about Bush getting us stuck in Iraq, instead making it sound like he thinks our soldiers are stupid (I'm thinking about calling it Kerry-Fucked-Up-Again-Seriously-How-Many-Elections-Can-One-Man-Lose-Gate, catchy isn't it?).

The Democrats are really outdoing themselves this time. There was no earthly way, given current popular opinion, that the Democrats wouldn't do well this election cycle. They might not have taken back Congress, but they'd have picked up some seats at least. But, ever the trailblazers in the field of losing elections, the Democrats have actually tricked us into thinking we've traveled back in time, to a point where we wouldn't have wanted to vote democrat: the 2004 elections. It's pretty impressive when you think about it.

Meanwhile, the Republicans are working their own ingenious (at least comparitively) strategy: erecting a giant fence. Bush just signed into law a 700-mile fence on the Mexican border (although, in what seems to be the modus operandi of this administartion, the legislation doesn't actually fully fund the 700-mile fence, in fact the billion it authorizes is probably less than half what the fence will cost).

I find it strange that anyone believes a fence will keep illegal immigrants out. Cubans brave leaky rafts and shark-infested waters to come to America. Do we really think Mexicans will be stopped by a fence? I mean, Mexicans aren't THAT lazy.

In point of fact, we don't seem to think that. T.J. Bonner, head of the National Border Patrol Council, said "A fence will slow people down by a minute or two."

It's brilliant...we'll spend a couple of billion dollars in order to annoy some Mexicans. It's the most monumental undertaking in passive-aggressiveness ever imagined. Makes you proud to be an American.

Help me Barack Obama, you're my only hope.

Kids these days

2006-10-22T14:23:00.000-07:00

Recently a poll was conducted by NYMag.com in which 100 high school age children from Manhattan were asked questions about their sex life and a 100 parents of high school aged children from Manhattan(not the same children necessarily) were asked questions about their child's sex life.

Phew...that's a mouthful.

Anyway, the survey is here if you wish to read it: http://nymag.com/lifestyle/sex/annual/2005/15079/index.html

Much of the results are what you'd expect. A lot more sex exists among high schoolers than their parents think (for example just 1% of parents believed their kid had performed oral sex, while 51% of the kids actually had).

In general the kids were more sexually active than I personally would have guessed. For example, 25% have had sexual conversations with a STRANGER on the internet. Newsflash kids, SxxxiS1ut_15 isn't really a horny fifteen year old cheerleader. He (that's right he) is actually an extremely horny 45 year old accountant. Now you know.

And knowing is half the battle.

Anyway, I don't want to get all old and crumudgeonly here, so I'll avoid the whole "what's the matter with kids these days, blah blah blah." Plus, I imagine the numbers are lower on a national average than they are in Manhattan. But what I do want to do is highlight a few things that caught my interest.

First off, only 36% of parents said that their child had masturbated. 49 of the 100 children were boys. Which means there were at least 13 parents who didn't belive their teenage boy had ever masturbated. Denial: It ain't just a river in Egypt folks.

Speaking of denial, the following statement was made by an 18-year-old boy who was surveyed: "I’m not gay but I acknowledge the fact that I’m attracted to men sometimes. I think, under it all, everyone is gay or has gay tendencies.”

I hate Carlos Mencia with the passion a thousand hellfires, but the man has said one inarguable truth in his horribly unfunny career: If you think you might be gay, then you're gay. Just letting you know son.

Going back to the 1% of all parents who believed their child had performed oral sex, it should be noted that 10% of the parents believd their child had received oral sex. And that's just poor parenting. Shouldn't they be teaching their kids to share? They're obviously not, because while 61% of kids have received oral, only 51% have given. People, it's better to give than to receive. If you think your kid is out there getting blow jobs, you should be encouraging them to reciprocate the favor. It's only fair.

Another interesting question was, "Have you experienced sexual activity while in bed with someone?" This survey, apparently, was done by my mother. Why, precisely, is something done in a bed worse than something done outside of one? I don't get this. Also, could they have come up with a slightly more ambiguous phrase than "sexual activity"? Maybe they could have had Eric Idle do the survey and just give them a "nudge nudge, wink wink, know what I mean, know what I mean?"

This made me feel good: 29% of the teenagers have had sex without a condom. A word to the right-wingers out there: good call with that whole "preach abstinance" thing. Working like a charm.

But if you really want to be disturbed, you have to go to the quotes.

On why they've never had sex:

"No particular reason. I’m not, like, a Christian.” - Girl, 17
Because we all know how wild the Muslims are about pre-marital sex.

“A girl wanted me to do it, but I didn’t want to.” - Boy, 18
If you think you might be gay...

"I don’t want to be an animal.” - Boy, 15
See, I don't really worry that much about the state of our youth's morality, cause I'm sure my peers were having this much sex, and I'm sure our parents were too. But I do wory about the state of our youth's science education. I've got bad news for you kid, you in fact ARE an animal. A primate if you want to be specific. Sorry, son.

On general attitudes toward sex: "Protect yourself. You don’t want to get sick or die. We’re too young for that.” - Girl, 17
She's right, you should really wait until you're 30 to get AIDS. It's way better then.

On waiting until you're old enough:

“It’s awesome, but wait until you’re 16.” - Boy, 14
“I don’t think you should have sex in ninth grade. Probably tenth.” - Boy, 14
What restraint. I don't think I'm ready for it yet...maybe after lunch.

"I don’t think a mouth should be on your private parts.” - Girl, 17
That's just funny.

On regrets: "Yes, because she was ugly.”- Boy, 14
See that's why you should wait until you're sixteen. Cause by then you're mature enough to know that it's not looks that matter. It's popularity.

“I used to feel guilty the first few times, when the girl was really drunk and I wasn’t. But not much anymore, since I have sex regularly.” - Boy, 16
READ: I used to feel guilty about being a rapist, but it stopped bothering me once the Devil claimed my immortal soul.

But you haven't heard it all unless you've heard from the parents.

On what's inappropriate: "The kinky stuff. I don’t know, whatever is possible these days.” - Father of a 15-year-old girl
Yeah all that wild, New Age High-Tech Sex that was invented over the last decade. With the transflux orgasms and what not.

“I talk about disease. Never talk about pleasure: It encourages them.” Mother of an 18-year-old girl
That's right, lady. As long as you don't tell them that sex is fun, there's no place of them to find out.

And finally, On whether or not their child would feel guilty about sex afterwards: Everybody feels guilty after, but that’s part of life.” - Mother of a 13-year-old girl
That's among the saddest things I've ever heard.

Punning for Dummies

2006-10-17T09:28:00.000-07:00

Yesterday, Apple announced that they would be releasing a new red iPod Nano, that would sell for $199. Of that $199, $10 would go to fighting AIDS in Africa. And frankly, I'm outraged.

Don't get me wrong, I'm all for fighting AIDS. And if you can do that by selling a product people like and make a buck doing it, that's great. But Google News had 61 articles related to this story and not one was titled "An Apple a Day Keeps AIDS Away." Common people, that headline freaking writes itself. The closest Google had was "An Apple Can Keep AIDS Away!" from EFYtimes.com, and that's a pretty garbled version of what it should have been. Plus, to add insult to injury, EFYtimes.com is a news service in India. As if it wasn't bad enough that India was kicking our ass in the programming and tech support industries, now they're threatening that most sacred of American economies: the obvious headline pun industry.

Not a day goes by where ESPN.com's headline doesn't make my appendix hurt (for those who don't know, scientists recently discovered that the appendix, long thought useless, is actually an advanced pun detector, hurting slightly when near puns), but I worry now about just who's writing those puns. Are they American-made puns from unionized job-shops? Or are they bought from Indian pun outsourcing firms for three cents a pound?

But there are those who comfort me. Like the Washington Post reporting on a new computer game called Bully, which was taken to court over whether it was appropriate to sell to minors (and won, thankfully). The Post's headline? "This Bully isn't so Tough."

Or the New York Daily news who, reporting on the rainout of the Mets game and how it gave Mets pitcher Tom Glavine an extra day of rest, named their story "Rest assured, Glavine ready."

Thank you, brave punners, for giving me hope.

In other news, the Detroit Tigers won the ALCS and I was there to see it. I don't have anything particularly clever or interesting to say about that, I just wanted to brag.

The Return of Craigslist

2006-10-10T15:17:00.000-07:00

As it turns out, I appear to be psychic. I realize that's a drastic claim, so let me put forth the evidence of my amazing predictive powers.

Probably around five years ago or so I made the following prediction: within the next decade we'll see nasal sex. My belief was based on the theory that sex had changed in nature over the years.

See, initially sex was just about procreation. Then, after cavemen began to grow increasingly bored with making new cavemen, sex changed. Over time, sex came to be about one all important goal: getting part of your body as far into another human beings body as possibly, through whatever orifice you can find (or, in some of the more disturbing cases, make).

When I predicted nasal sex, I realized that the possiblity of dick on nostril action was slim (and yes creating that mental image was absolutely necessary). So I figured sex would occur either through fingering of the nostril or possibly with the entrance of the tongue.

Really it seemed like only a matter of time. Well folks, wait no longer:

http://ebaumsworld.com/2006/07/jap-nose-fetish.html

That's video of a women experiencing what I can only describe as a nasal sex, complete with tongue penetration near the end. Bam. Told you so.

But, my amazing predictive powers aside, I've decided it's time for the return of an old friend: creepy craigslist casual sex posts. I know I said I was through, but people just keeping posting things too strange for me to pass up, so here we go:

Hi. I am a young straight white male college student. I am a Republican, and this November plan to vote with the party. That's right, DeVos, MCRI, the whole lot. That is, unless you change my mind.

I am looking for a sexually liberated Democratic lady who is interested in changing my mind. Just think, for one night of sex you can double your voting power. How Patriotic! It's practically your civic duty.

Hope to hear from you soon...
Chris

It's like a new political awareness campaign: Fuck the Vote. Here's my question, will the guy sign a contract? And is that contract legal or would this constitute prostitution?

Hello Ladies,
I am just looking for a cool girl who might be interested in trying out some foot fetish activities. I am a fit guy, 5'9 attractive and well endowed. I have had a fot fetish for sometime and would like to probably have a footjob. In return I hope I could realize fantasies you might have. I am not looking for pros at this time, just for a girl who is curious and wouldnt mind doing it. Thanks

That's right, professional foot-jobbers need not apply.

Looking for woman.women, interested in kicking me in the balls. Its a fetish, kinda, but also something I wold like to test my strength in. No pros, no pay, just for fun. Looking for girls curious into it, want to do it or just wanna take their anger out on men. Any takers?

Umm, exsqueeze me? You want a girl to kick you in the balls? Why the fuck would anyone want that? Plus, what does it matter if it's a girl? Side-story, today after taking a leak, I zipped prematurely and caught myself with my zipper. In case you're curious, at no point did I think: "I wish a girl was doing this to me." What I did think was:

OWWWWWWWW! FUCKING HELL!!! JESUS MARY MOTHER OF FUCKING CHRIST!!

(whimper)

Or something like that. I may have blacked out for a moment. Moving on:

For those women who are seeking a man who is thoughtful, articulate, and romantic; I can meet your every expectation. I have a strong desire to experience intimacy, and would have no trouble doing so were it not for my physical disability. Therefore, as quadriplegia has not robbed me of my ability to feel pleasure, nor compromised my libido, I am seeking opportunities for assisted ecstasy.

Please do not be disillusioned by the myth that disabled people are asexual beings. To begin, while I can still function sexually, I have had relatively few encounters and am completely free from disease. Indeed, my desire to express myself sensually, albeit unrequited, is just as compelling as that of any other adult. Rather, it is limited only by the physical reality of my disability.

I know how and where to touch a woman, but am unable to do so without help from another person. Consequently, I hope to find a couple of women who are willing to help me pleasure each other. I have every move choreographed in my mind, but am looking for someone to help me carry out the dance. No games, no tricks, no strings attached.

Okay, I don't want to make fun of a quadriplegic, but I do have one question: How did he type this?

Any guys want to invite me over to watch the Tiger game tonight? I'll suck you off as long as I can stay for the whole game. 5-11, 180 lb white male. Reply with age, height, weight, cock size.

Dude, it's called a sports bar. They won't even ask you for a handjob.

sub bi male iso married cpls, will service hubby for the privledge of sniffing his wife's nyloned feet/toes!

Sir, you need to learn to bargain a little more. I don't know what the going rate for a blowjob from another dude is, but I'd bet it's more than just sniffing some toes. At least ask to suck them or something. Remember: the worst they can do is say no.

I am looking for a college girl that would like some help in paying for college, books and and tuition. No obligation to do anything, just to be honest and upfront. I'd like to meet in a discreet and safe environment for some discreet and pasional mutually beneficial fun. I am educated, well traveled, pasional. If interesed , drop me an e-mail with a pic.

READ: Have you always dreamed of being a prostitute?

I am looking to receive a great blow job. It has been years since I have had one and I need a good one now, no strings attached.

You must be a non-smoker, attractive (picture helpful), disease and drug free.

Okay, I realize that people who post these things are not like me, so I shouldn't be surprised when they think differently than I do, but I don't get this type of ad (and there are a lot of them). Does this guy think there are hundreds of ladies just sitting around wishing they could find a guy who wanted a blowjob? I'm just guessing this, but I'm predicting that the fellitiophiles are all aware that ANY RANDOM GUY ON THE STREET IS HAPPY TO RECEIVE A BLOWJOB. They probably aren't patrolling the internet in a desperate search to find someone to blow.

Here's some advice: offer the ladies something. They might be more interested in an ad like this:

Handsome 40 yr old white male looking for woman who needs a great pussy licking. Just lay back, spread your legs (or sit on my face, however you like it) and enjoy! No reciprocation required. Your pleasure is my reward.

See, that's an ad that a woman might take interest in. I'm sure that in reality the guy is just hoping the woman gets turned on enough to blow him, but he's at least working the right angles.

Incest Roleplay... Mother/Son, Bro/Sis - m4w - 18

I think the title says enough about that one...eww eww eww eww.

And now, my new favorite Craigslist posting ever:

Okay, time to vent! I have answered several posts over the last 6 months and had no luck as most ended up being bots or webcams or professionals, etc. So recently, I decided to post my own ad. First, I was completely shocked by how many auto bot responses I received to my ad-- I figured by posting my own ad, I would not have to deal with these annoying "professionals." WRONG! Second, for some reason, while my ad was posted as a M4W ad, I received significantly more responses from men than women!!! Lastly, there was absolutely nothing in my ad (see copy below) objectionable or offensive and yet I received a message today that it was flagged multiple times and was removed from CL. Anyone have any idea why?

In response to my ad, I did receive several testimonials from people on how great CL worked for them. However, my experience here has been frustrating.

PS. If anyone (FEMALE!)likes the ad below, feel free to respond!

Seriously, what is wrong with people today? What's our great nation coming to when people can't put ads for completely casual sex online where anyone can read them without getting responses from perverts?

Play Ball

2006-10-05T13:32:00.000-07:00

In my continuing effort to be sued by ESPN.com, I’ve been debating about doing a Live Game Diary for a big sports event, a la Bill Simmons, for some time now. Well, I figured I wasn’t going to find a bigger sports event than the first Detroit Tigers playoff series since I was three.

8:11 – We’re in a weather delay. Seriously? Seriously? I’ve been waiting 24 hours to watch this stupid game and now I’m in a fucking weather delay?!

8:13 – Well, Fox has returned to some crappy Fox show…I’m not really sure what it is. Meanwhile ESPN is recapping the Mets-Dodgers game. So, for the moment, let’s take a quick break from the Live Game Diary and discuss the series as a whole.

Many of my college friends are from New York, and a select few with the properly evil genetic disposition are in fact Yankees fans. Naturally they were aglow today over last night’s victory, which frankly I just don’t get. How do these people get excited about the Yankees winning? It’s like getting excited when the US Women’s Softball team wins the gold medal. What the fuck did you expect to happen? My high school softball team could beat the National Croatian team (seriously our pitcher was pretty good, she plays college ball here at Michigan now).

Getting excited over a Yankees victory is like if I had gotten all pumped up when we won the Afghani War. Of course we won the Afghani war; it was America versus fucking Afghanistan.

8:17 - Incidentally, ESPN was just recapping the A’s-Twins game and mentioned Milton Bradley in the replay. Which prompted my girlfriend to raise the interesting question: Who the fuck names their kid Milton Bradley? Why would you do that?

8:20 – ESPN has now switched to the studio crew, with Karl Ravech, Tim Kurkjian, and Vernon Wells taking the desk. Has any current player ever looked more awkward than Vernon Wells in these segments? He’s horrible. He sounds like he’s talking through one of those boxes that Stephen Hawking uses.

8:22 – Okay, actually tonight he doesn’t seem that bad. Although he does keep staring at Ravech rather than into the camera, which is annoying.

8:27 – Isn’t it weird that ESPN has a correspondent named Bonnie Bernstein, given that one of the substitute anchors on SportsNight was named Bonnie Bernstein?

8:30 – Okay, well I’m going to take a quick break to do food. I’ll start this up again when something actually happens game wise.

8:33 – ESPN just displayed a graphic that demonstrated that the members of the Yankee lineup average just over 4 all-star games each. I ask again, people get excited when these guys win?

9:40 – Apparently the Rangers’ General Managers is 12 years old. ESPN claims he’s 29, but I’m pretty sure he forged something somewhere along the line.

9:57 – Well, apparently this game has been cancelled until tomorrow, so the live Diary will pick up at 1:00 (while I skip my strategy class…again).

12:54 – Okay folks, we’re about ready to start up again. I’ve filled up on pizza, had a Guinness, and I’m skipping class as we speak.

1:03 – Incidentally: Guinness + Coke + Pizza + Pseudophedrine Sulfate ≠ Brilliant

1:08 – See this is why baseball is so much better on Fox. ESPN is giving me stats like “RBI” and “Batting Average.” Pitiful in comparison to Fox’s “Reads the Bible:” stat. If you didn’t see game 1, we learned from Sean Casey’s bio that he “Reads the Bible: Everyday”. And if you’re anything like me you were desperately hoping that when Fox did Wang’s bio that it would say, “Reads the Bible: Doesn’t, but consults the I Ching on important decisions.”

1:15 – Joe Morgan just told us he doesn’t care for stats. I love baseball players. He followed that up by saying Sean Casey, “Doesn’t run well.” Which is a little like saying John Wayne Gacy didn’t have great people skills.

1:18 – Jon Miller has now added that Casey, “Isn’t really a base-stealing threat.” Sort of the way Mother Teresa isn’t a much of a threat to commit grand theft auto.

1:20 – There’s really nothing that better captures why I hate being a democrat than the Anti-Dick Devos Opera commercial.

1:24 – WE GOT JETER OUT!! WE GOT JETER OUT!! TIGERS WIN THE PENNANT!!

1:25 – Oh, apparently we have to keep playing even after we get Jeter out…doesn’t really seem fair, but whatever.

1:26 – Verlander seems to be wearing a Doggie-Shocking Collar around his neck. Not sure what the hell that thing is. (Doggie-Shocking Collar is in fact a name brand, if you didn’t know).

1:30 – Bases are loaded…and I wish I was too. (That one’s for you, Dave).

1:31- With the bases loaded, here comes A-Rod. According to Bill Simmons, I am guaranteed an out in this circumstance.

1:32 – Right on cue, A-Rod strikes out on three straight pitches. For those keeping track, A-Rod was paid about $10,000 a swing for that at-bat (assuming 50 at-bats this post-season).
1:36 – Pudge had 69 RBI this season…hee hee.

1:39 – TIGERS TAKE THE LEAD!

1:42 – Brandon Inge strikes out to end the inning, Detroit up 1-0. Personally, I blame his facial hair. What the fuck is that “line goatee” thing, and why does he keep making it thinner?

1:50 – Group meeting on the mound. I never understand what the third baseman and shortstop are adding to the conference. What is Guillen saying, “I, uh, I think we should try and get some guys out. Does that sound good to anyone else?” Maybe he’s just telling Inge to find a razor.

1:55 – Inge has some trouble seeing a grounder, breaking on it only at the last second, possibly costing the Tigers a double play. Morgan and Miller don’t understand how he didn’t see it. Probably lost it in his goatee.

1:56 – Miller just called the first two innings a “Long laborious trek for Verlander so far.” That’s the verbal advantage.

1:59 – I like the Tommy Lasorda baseball commercials as much as anyone, but something bothers me about the one with the Indians fans hiding in the closets. The old guy is wearing an Indians shirt and Cincinnati Reds hat. What kind of sports bigamy are they promoting? Whatever happened to values?

2:12 – Simmons had a hard-time putting a finger on Magglio’s hair the other day, but it’s obvious when you watch him jog. It looks exactly like a poodle’s hair as it bounces on his shoulders.

2:18 – Right now ESPN has decided to show the back of a girl’s head while she eats cracker jacks. Just thrilling TV right here. In general I never understand why stations insist on showing so many crowd shots. The only shots of fans I need to see are when either hot women or overweight, shirtless men are excitedly jumping up and down. I want my crowd shots to either turn me on or gross me out, otherwise don’t bother.

2:29 – I hate the Yankess so much.

2:41 – Thank God Johnny Damon throws like a girl.

2:51 – Has ESPN loaned the “Super Slo-Mo” camera to any adult film companies yet? Because watching porn in that way would probably be the single coolest thing I can possibly imagine.

2:53 – Joe Morgan believes that A-Rod’s batting average would be higher if he hadn’t struck out so much. Dynamite analysis Joe.

2:58 – Joe Morgan is impressed that Carlos Guillen’s bat didn’t bend on his home run. He thinks it must be one of those maple bats, a harder bat, nice for keeping it good and firm. And we all know Joe Morgan likes a hard bat. A good thick, firm, hard bat, that never goes limp.

3: 33 – This is a lot harder than Bill Simmons makes it look, in case you’re curious.

3:42 – I enjoy that Budweiser’s new slogan is This is Beer. I think it fits well. Cause sometimes, if I’m at a party drinking Bud from a keg, I forget. “Is this beer? Are you sure? Tastes kind of like piss-water to me. You sure you didn’t just pee in the keg and water it down a little?” Nope, this is beer. No, seriously, it really is beer, we promise.

3:48 – Apparently the Yankees used to let Babe Ruth decide which position he’d play in the outfield so he wouldn’t get the sun in his eyes. See, those are the kinds of demands professional athletes just don’t make anymore. Don’t you wish you could hear this report on ESPN: “Peyton Manning re-signed with the Indianapolis Colts for 6 years, 99-millon dollars and a guarantee that he’d always get an aisle seat on the team plane.”

4:09 – Nothing like a Todd Jones taking the mound with a one-run lead. If I have a heart attack before the end of the game, I leave everything to Scott Baio.

4:13 – I think I’d give my left hand right now to be able to go back in time and make Troy Percival healthy.

4:25 – SERIES TIED UP BITCHES!! I LOVE YOU TODD JONES, YOU FAT PIECE OF SHIT!

4:27 - And now Star Trek: TNG is the one where Q become human. Good day all around.

Bullshit 2008

2006-09-29T09:50:00.000-07:00

Well folks, we've got just 767 days left until the presidential elections of 2008, and I think we all know the signifance of that special number, right? (Ummmm...no -ed.)

Oh...well...if you take the year of the next presidential election 2008 and add the number of votes in the electoral college (538) and then subtract the year of the ratification of the consitution (1789) and then add the number of ammendments contained within the bill of rights (10) do you know what you get?

(Shit...carry the seven...take the cosine...fuck where's my calculator...screw it, I'll just use google instead...Well I'll be damned. 767 -ed.)

Creepy isn't it? Anyway, given this very signifance of this day, I thought it was about time I started talking in earnest about the 2008 elections.

The first important thing to note is that the Democrats still look like they plan on nominating Hillary. As I've previously stated, this would be about the dumbest thing they could possibly do. I'm pretty sure the Republicans could nominate Hugo Chavez and still win an election against Hillary.

One of Hillary's prime competitors for the seat currently seems to be John Kerry. Which makes good sense. Just because Kerry couldn't win against one of the least popular sitting presidents in the history of the country, under horrible economic conditions and with the least popular war ever raging, doesn't mean the Dems should give up on him.

It does mean they should threaten to grind him up into delicate paste if he so much as enters the race though.

Another possible nominee under the Dems theory of "if first you don't succeed, feel free to fuck it up for us again" is former Veep Al Gore. Once again, the logic is obvious. If people hated Al Gore 8 years ago, then 8 years of subsequent whining and general creepiness is definitely going help. Plus his "An Inconvenient Truth" documentary is sure to get that environmentalist vote that the Dems always have such a hard time winning.

On the off chance that an important member of the democratic party is reading this, I'm going to give you a list of candidates that are acceptable to nominate: Sen. Biden, Sen. Edwards, Gov. Vilsack, Former Gov. Warner, Gov. Bredesen. That's it. Don't even consider anyone else. One of those guys.

If you're wondering where I got such a list, you can find a list of all the possible candidates at Politics1.com. Also you can find a prime example of the Daily Show's "Using a Question Mark to Hide an Opinion" theory. In Politics1's case, here's their current headline:

FLORIDA: IS CONGRESSMAN FOLEY AN ONLINE SEX PREDATOR?

Now hey, they're not SAYING Foley is a sex predator. They're just asking. Who knows whether or not he actually is? (Jesus. -ed.)

Moving on to the GOP, rumors are flying that Cheney is going to resign as Veep and President Bush will replace him with Secretary of State Condoleeza Rice. In the last four years, this women has risen up the ranks pretty quickly, and I don't want to make any trash accusations, but if I were President Bush I'd watch my back.

I know she's publicly said that she has no plans of running for president, but I haven't heard her say she has no plans of killing Dubya and annointing herself Empress for life. (Where were you with that question Tim Russert? Fat ass. -ed.)

Like I said, I don't want to get into any trouble here, but let me just ask this.

Is Condoleeza Rice convincing prominent members of the US government to step down by threating to devour them whole, in an ongoing plot to crown herself Supreme Empress and make the rest of the country her loyal zombie slaves?

I'm just asking.

Finally, I think it's clear, regardless of who the so called "important" parties nominate, who we should all be voting for. If you haven't seen trailers for "Man of the Year" or read Al Franken's "Why Not Me?" you might not be familiar with the idea of a comedian running for president, but it's existed for a while. Well, life is now imitating art folks.

The following is being reported by the New Statesman:

"He has now redirected his political energies and is standing (semi-seriously) for the Libertarian Party of America's nomination to run for president in the 2008 election."

Who's "he"? None other than Doug Stanhope. (Who? -ed.)

Doug Stanhope. Doug Stanhope? He was on the Man Show. (Oh, Jimmy Kimmel's friend. I like him. He was on that Dr. Drew show -ed.)

Uhh, no actually that's Adam Corolla. He and Kimmel were the original hosts (read: "funny hosts") of the show, then they were replaced by Doug Stanhope and Joe Rogan. (Joe Rogan? The guy from "Fear Factor"? That must have sucked. -ed.)

Yes, yes it did, pretty hardcore for that matter.

Which leads me to my question, if we're going to have a comedian run for president, shouldn't he at least be funny? Doug Stanhope? Christ, Bob Dole was funnier than Doug Stanhope, and only had one arm. (Too soon, too soon. -ed.)

But the nonsense aside, I'm looking forward to this campaign. Personally, I'm hoping we end up with couple of "Greatest Hits" tickets. After all, we're living in an era when VH1 has more shows about past shows, than actual new shows. So why not an "I love the 90/early 00s" Presidential race?

Let's have Al Gore with Veep John Kerry versus Bush I with Bob Dole. And we wouldn't even have to vote. We could just add up the votes we cast in the last 4 elections. Everybody wins.

Montezuma's Revenge

2006-09-17T18:12:00.000-07:00

I spend a lot of time making fun of Canada. Why? Because it's easy, that's why. For example, do you know why Canadians prefer to have sex from behind?

So they can both watch the hockey game. See? See how easy that was?

But in my single-minded obsession with mocking Canadians, I sometime lose the bigger picture. Indeed, there is a cornucopia of silly countries in the world, and they all deserve to be mocked.

And to find a country other than Canada that needs to be mocked, one need look no further than our other neighbor: Mexico.

For those who aren't aware (and that would probably be everyone) Mexico recently held elections. And, as this article explains, the loser of that election has, at the behest of supporters, installed himself as the head of a "parallel government".

This is allowed by an unusual provision in the Mexican Constitution, which allows for a parallel government, assuming two-thirds of all members of such an entity grow sufficiently full goatees. Mexican Law refers to this as the "James Tiberius Kirk Clause".

Of course, I think a parallel government makes good sense for Mexico. I've always been a firm believer that you can't have too much of a bad thing. And if one government can plunge Mexico into permanent economic destitution, imagine what two can do?

Does anyone else really hope that the President of Mexico and the President of Mexico (with a goatee) come together at a national press conference, only to sing "It Takes Two"?

And are there thousands of liberals all across the country right now, reading this and saying, "Wait, I didn't know that was an option. Fuck, we wasted all that time recounting votes, when we should have just made Al Gore start growing a goatee"?

In news from other silly countries, Sweden's just ousted the Social Democrats from power for the first time in over a decade, electing the "Alliance for Sweden". What does this mean for Sweden? It means movement towards a free-market society, and away from being the welfare, socialist state they've been forever. What does it mean for Americans? It means hippies suck, that's what it means.

Cause Sweden is really the last bastion of Socialism (or at least socialism that doesn't involve everyone but the government being poor as dirt). And if Sweden becomes Capitalist, I can finally sleep at night, knowing hippies will never get to take my shit away.

Unless of course the socialists all grow goatees.

Sign, Sign, Everywhere a sign

2006-09-11T12:27:00.000-07:00

Driving along the other day I passed the following road sign:

"Drive Carefully: Blind Child in the Area"

Along the same lines, I have a friend who lives in a neighborhood which has a similar sign only for a deaf child.

These signs lead me to the following conclusion: It is apparently just fine to drive like a crazy bastard if all of the children in the area have decent eyesight and hearing abilities. Cause if those kids don't get out of my way, it's their own damn fault. Maybe if you can see and hear so damn perfectly you should have seen or heard my car Little Johnny.

As if I would be driving down the road, see a child playing in the street and say, "Eh, no need to break, I'm sure he'll hear my car coming...oh wait, wasn't there a sign saying a deaf kid was in the area?" I like to think that most drivers just try to avoid kids to be on the safe side.

Of course, these signs are just a few among many of wonderful road signs. One of my personal favorites: No Drunk Driving.

And thank God that sign exists. Cause I was driving down Grand River once, about to crack open a fifth of tequila and guzzle it down behind the wheel. But then I saw a No Drunk Driving sign and realized that wasn't allowed on this road. Which is very unusual, because most of the roads I drive on are just fine with drinking and driving. But apparently Grand River doesn't alow that.

A No Drunk Driving sign on a street is like having a No Arson sign on your house. It's like having a Please Don't Rape Me in the Ass sign on your chest.

Actually...you'd probably want that sign on your back.

There's everyone's old favorite, the "Prison in Area: Don't pick up hitchhikers." That's a reassuring sign isn't it? I think I'd rather the sign read like this:

"Prison in Area: Feel gree to pick up all the hitchhiker's you like though, cause we got bars and walls and shit, and we keep those fuckers locked up good."

And wonderful road signs aren't limited to the US. In Canada, there's a whole variety of road signs that read like this:

"Drinking And Driving Kills: Stay Sober"
"Fatigue Kills: Take a Break"
"Tailgating Kills: Leave Some Space"

And you need that second line, cause if you just told me that Tailgating Kills that would leave me with questions. Is that a bad thing? Cause I'm only going to kill people who are driving too slowly, and won't that benefit us all in the long run?

But when you tell me to Leave Some Space, then I understand. Tailgating Kills, AND Canada would rather I not kill people. Without that second line, it's a little ambiguous.

Finally there's the "Kill a construction worker: 15 years in prison + $7500 fine." Is there anyone on the planet who is undettered by 15 years in prison, but couldn't handle that $7500 fine? Cause if so, they need to get into a line of work that pays them slightly more than five hundred bucks a year. Plus, do we really need to make it explicitly clear that if you run someone over, that's a very bad thing? Is the penalty not as bad if I hit a pedestrian? What if the pedestrian happens to be a construction worker, but isn't working at the time?

And what about if the pedestrian is a neural surgeon, or a nuclear engineer? Is the fine higher, since economically speaking those people are more valuable?

But nothing will ever take the place of my favorite sign. It was a billboard, in central Michigan. The billboard advertised for an Amish craft store somewhere in the area. In the upper corner of the billboard was the following:

www.amishcrafts.com

Back to School

2006-09-06T20:41:00.000-07:00

Well, it's September, and for most of my readers that means it's time to head back to school. Or at the very least it means that for me, and frankly that's the only reader I really care about.

The first few days of class are always a fun time. There's the pointless "class introductions" in which you teacher makes you share your name, hometown, and feelings about the designated hitter rule...or at least that's what I'd ask for if I was a prof. Cause it's not like it matters what you have kids talk about, the only thing the rest of the kids are doing is thinking about what they're going to say on their turns. Like I really give a shit what town Popped-Collar Boy is from back in Cali.

But I'm a solutions-oriented guy, so here are some ways you Profs (a higher percentage of my readers have PhDs than you might think) can make introductions more interesting:

- Ask students when/if they lost their virginity
- Ask students to include their favorite sexual position
- Ask students which student in the class they think is the most attractive (borrowing from Donnie Darko)

Another part I love about the first days of class is when Professors talk about how to contact them with questions, and then always point out that the best way is really to send them an email. Which differentiates them from all my profs who prefer to be contacted by carrier pigeon.

And hand-in-hand with college comes Facebook...with it's HORRIBLE NEW FACE. I'm sure by now you're all familiar with the terrible crimes that Facebook has recently perpetrated on humanity. If not, go check it out, and then come back, after you're through recoiling in fear.

Here are my actual thoughts on the new Facebook and the overreaction of the Facebook community to it. First, obviously the changes they've implemented are drastic and doing it without warning was just flat out stupid. I grant that they offer a free product, but they should've seen this backlash coming regardless. Second, I'm assuming that in the next day or two we'll see something pop up giving us the option of using this feed or going back to Facebook Classic and an option to permantly turn off our mini-feeds rather than X out individual changes. (If you've found a way to do this, please let me know)

Third, what all the complaints about New Facebook really illustrate is what a massively powerful change the News Feed actually is. As near as I can tell the Feed was implemented on Monday night. Since then, dozens of "New Facebook Sucks" groups have popped up. Under the old Facebook system, most of these groups would have gained maybe a few dozen members. Maybe you leafed through your friend's profile, noticed this group and joined it. Or maybe your friend explicitly invited you or something. But by and large, most of us wouldn't find out about such a group's existence.

Under New Facebook Rules, the "Students against Facebook News Feed (Official Petition to Facebook)" Group has grown, in just 48 hours or so, to 480,000 members. Over 100,000 have joined in the last 5 hours or so. In just the last 5 minutes, over 1600 students have joined. That's 5 students joining per second. That's un-fucking believeable. I imagine it's only a matter of time before it's the largest group facebook has ever had. Which speaks to at least one benefit of New Facebook.

Also the Crocodile Hunter died...so that sucks.

Vegas Baby, Vegas

2006-08-28T11:47:00.000-07:00

Sorry for the vacation week I took everyone, but posting to the blog from Las Vegas just wasn't on my list of things to do.

However, having spent the last week in the city of sin, I now have a couple of things to talk about.

First off, if I was a smoker, I'm pretty sure I'd go live in Las Vegas. LV is the only place left in the country where smokers win the "Can I smoke here?" arguments. Only in Vegas would a smoker sit at a blackjack table, listen to everyone else at the table complain about smoking, and then choose to light up anyway. I love it.

Another great things about smoking in Las Vegas is the cigarette girls. I don't know how many of you used to watch cartoons a lot and would recognize the "cigarettes girl voice" from some of the old Bugs Bunny cartoons, but if you do, go to Las Vegas. Not all of the girls, but most of them, have apparently been trained to say it in that exact voice. And just hearing one girl go "cigahreyttes" is completely worth the plane ride.

Speaking of plane rides, let me highly recommend Spirit airlines as the only way to travel. Especially if you enjoy metal screeching noises that scare the shit out of you and the plane rattling a lot during the landing and generally feeling like it might fall apart at any given moment. Nobody beats Spirit when it comes to terrifying their customers.

My final impression from Las Vegas is that the ONLY place to stay there is Caesar's Palace, assuming of course that you're fuck off rich. The place is fucking fantastic. It's the most ostentatious thing I've ever seen in real life. They don't build things like that in this country. You have to go to Versailles to get that level of over the top decadence. It's great.

Moving out of Las Vegas, for those who haven't been watching the news lately, they found a guy who may have kidnapped Jon Benet Ramsey...maybe. The only thing I can tell you about him is that his d's look like lowercase deltas. So maybe he's a mathematician or something. I have no idea.

My thought on the Ramsey thing is actually this: Jon Benet is a weird looking kid. Seriously, she looks kind of freaky. She's got sort of a village of the damned/porcelain doll thing going on. If the guy copped the insanity plea and said he kidnapped her because he thought she was a minion of Satan, I would buy it.

Finally, in some exciting news, Wendy's has unleashed a new flavor of Frostee. Get ready folks, for the ever-exciting, heart pounding, edge of your seat world of...VANILLA.

Wait, what the fuck? Vanilla? Vanilla? That's you're new flavor? Fucking Vanilla?

I'm not a Wendy's fan, so I always assumed they had a vanilla, and everyone just always preferred the chocolate. Who doesn't have vanilla? Coming out with a new flavor of ice cream dessert and having it be vanilla is like coming out with a brand new type of entree: A hamburger...with CHEESE on it. Holy fucking shit, a hamburger with cheese on it? But what will Jehovah think? (Oooh, somebody's gonna get stoned -ed.)

Was there a debate in the Wendy's boardroom over whether the world was ready for a vanilla frostee? Was the guy who proposed this the Rebel of the Wendy's Corporate World? (Sting fucking ruled the WCW - ed.)

And speaking of new fast food offerings, I like that Burger King is calling it's new type of burger a BK Stacker. As if this was a whole new way to make hamburgers, and previously everyone had simply laid all the ingredients out in a line on a super long bun. But not BK, oh no, they're going to freaking STACK things on top of each other. Caraaaaazy.

Science is Fun!

2006-08-15T12:24:00.000-07:00

In this week's post, the FMRC takes a hard look at some current developments in the wonderful world of science.

First up, it seems that the argument has once again started over whether or not Pluto is a planet. The following from Ned Potter at ABCNews.com:

"Any 6-year-old can tell you there are nine planets. Maybe there ought not to be. Nearly 2,500 astronomers from 75 countries on planet Earth are in Prague, Czechoslovakia, for a meeting of the International Astronomical Union. During their 12-day meeting, they plan to debate a question that has long divided them: Just what qualifies as a planet?"

The debate in large, centers around whether Pluto should be considered a planet. To begin, I'd like to thank Ned for clarifying that none of the astronomers involved are in fact Martians or even Plutonians, who would obviously be biased in their opinions. Thanks Ned.

Ned further goes on to say that "Astronomers have a problem of cosmic proportions on their hands," which leads me to believe that someone, either Ned or these 2,500 astronomers, should be re-examining their priorities.

Does anyone really give a fuck if our current list of planets doesn't fit a nice and neat definition?

And moreover, do these astronomers really think they're going to change the list of planets on us at this point? Five'll get you six that if they even try to knock Pluto off as a planet, the public would tell them to go fuck themselves and go right on considering Pluto a planet.

Now they might get off with adding a tenth planet to the list (although the current name of Xena is going to have to go, which, thankfully, they realize). But then that's just going to open the floodgates to including dozens more planets, and that just makes keeping track of them annoying as hell.

I like the compromise that some astronomers have suggested, that we create a new term for spherical worlds too small to be considered planets: "Planemo"

Frankly it sounds like a cleaning product for planets: "Are you sick of your planet's lack of shine? Does the all the red dust surrounding you just piss you off? Advanced intelligence will never grow on a dusty, dirty planet, so pick up PlaneMo for that new planet shine. Now in lemon, mint, and nebula scents."

But if you think the most worthless thing scientists could spend their time doing is debating the what we should consider an ice covered rock several hundred million miles away, you'd be very very wrong.

Cause in Scotland, a group of scientists has successfully done the following: frozen mice (some for up to fifteen years), then extracted sperm from them, and impregnated other mice with that sperm. Ahh, the march of progress.

Personally, I like the idea that there was a scientist, a Dr. Macintosh or something, who was eagerly waiting for fifteen years, and finally he woke up one day and said, "This is it, this is the day. I've waited for a decade and a half, and today's the day. Today, I'm going to use spermcicles to knock up a bunch of mice."

But wait, before you condemn the experiment as pointless and without merit, consider the possible benefit: These scientists think such positive results might mean it is possible to extract sperm from frozen woolly mammoths and use it to impregnate elephants.

This would apparently create some sort of woolly elephant hybrid, the closest thing we could get to actual woolly mammoths. Just imagine the possibilities. We could have...big hairy elephants.

How many time have we all gone to the zoo, gazed at the elephants and thought to ourselves, "You stupid lazy excuses for mammals. If only you had more hair. Then you'd be good for something. Stupid hairless bastards."

Finally, it seems that there are now more overweight people in the world than starving ones. Currently we have 850 million people starving to death, and about 1 billion people who are overweight.

Personally, I think there's a clear way to kill two birds with one stone here. The obvious answer: cannibalism.

Now I'm not a heartless man, so I would never suggest we should kill fat people and feed them to the starving of the world. That would be wrong. But I am all about using the resources we have. And I figure that dead fat people must have a pretty good amount of edible meat on them.

Apparently a body-mass index of 25 is considered overweight, and 30 is considered obese. So let's say, anyone who has a BMI of 26 or more when they die is shipped off to India or somewhere and fed to starving people.

You'd (1) feed starving people and (2) convince people to try and live healthier lives, since no one really wants to get eaten when they die.

Now it has been pointed out to me that this isn't the ideal solution, since fat people will be made up primarily of fat, so it won't really be incredibly healthy for the starving people. But my feeling is that begging cannibals can't be choosing cannibals, so they should take what they can get.

And if they want a healthier snack, they should feel free to eat any astronomers debating what to call Pluto or biologists spending their time freezing and knocking up mice that they happen to find.

Category: Science

It's the End of the World as We Know It

2006-08-10T10:01:00.000-07:00

Folks, I've found my purpose in life. I know it now.

It was all made clear to me by the following post on Google News:

US Weekly reported Actor Vince Vaughn proposed to "Friends" actress Jennifer Aniston on their return trip from Puerto Vallarta, Mexico.

And now I know my purpose: I must kill all the children of this wretched coupling. Because, to be perfectly honest, I believe that any such infant would, in fact, be the Antichrist.

To be fair, Aniston is denying the report, saying, and I'm paraphrasing here: "Are you fucking kidding me? Look at me. I'm Rachel Fucking Green. Do you really think I'd be so pathetic as to marry the fucking loser from Swingers? Seriously? Fuck you US Weekly, see if you ever get an interview with any of the Friends again."

When reached for comment Matthew LeBlanc said, "Well you know, we're all friends off-screen too."

You might wonder why I believe that the child of Vince and Jennifer (Jince? Vinifer? See this is why these guys can't be a couple, those would be shitty tabloid nicknames), will be the Antichrist. I've got two words for you: Wedding Crashers. I think it's obvious that Satan had a hand in deceiving the world into believing that movie was actually funny.

Personally, I pray to God that the report isn't true, simply so I don't have to read 18,000 magazine headlines punning on "Wedding Crashers".

In other important news: Maurice Clarett is a fucking moron.

Shouldn't that be ESPN.com's headline right now? Wouldn't that be great?

Maurice Clarett: Total Fucking Moron
(Insert silly picture of Clarett in dunce hat here)
Maurice Clarett can't stay out of trouble. Page 2 writer Skip Bayless asks, "What the fuck is wrong with this guy? Seriously, what the fucking fuck is the matter with him?"

Finally, some terrorists were apprehended plotting to blow up airplanes or something. I didn't really read the article.

Robots with Laser Rifles

2006-08-01T16:02:00.000-07:00

Well, first off, you may have noticed a few changes here at the FMRC. We put in a swanky new logo. We added a search function for the blog through technorati, as well as a couple of links and Google's AdSense (although, at the moment, the blog gets mainly adds about Jesus. You know us at FMRC, we're HUUUUUUGE Jesus freaks. Especially Scott Baio).

Also, from now on, blog posts will have a "Category" link at the bottom of the post. In a strictly hypothetical sense, you could clikc on this link and it would give you a list of recent posts from other Blogs on a similar category. More though, this is in an attempt to triple my readership (from 2 to 6), by allowing Technorati users to find my posts via these "tags", as the cool Technorati kids call them.

One final note before I get on to the meat of this post, I wanted to let you know, for those who hadn't heard, the shocking news. The story broke last week, and frankly, I was shocked. I damn near fainted. Lance Bass, of N*SYNC fame, is a homosexual.

That's right, you heard me correctly: Lance Bass likes dudes. I'll give you a moment to deal with the astonishment.

Okay, now that you've all fully recovered from that amazing revelation, and we've got the administrative bullshit out of the way, I'm happy to say that I've got just one day left at my current job, which means: MORE POSTS SOON.

I hope, over the next few months, to try to get into a "once a week" rhythm with the blog. Over/Under on how long that lasts? One week.

Still, I'm a little bummed to be leaving my job, which is working to get a Democrat elected to the House of Reps, as most of my loyal readers know (and by most I mean 1 and a half...one of them has multiple personality disorder, and while Roberta knows, Samuel has no idea who I am, just that his ass usually hurts on Wednesdays).

(Umm...excuse me? -ed.)

Nothing. I said nothing. As I was saying, I've spent the summer trying to get a Dem elected, I'll refrain from saying who, primarily because his name is tricky to spell. Anyway, I never felt particularly good about working for a Democrat, and one of the reasons why is their ridiculously futile insistence on keeping Social Security as is. For those who like Social Security, allow me to explain why your opinion is wrong.

Here's how Social Security works: Back when all our grandparents were kids, the government realized they had no money. So they went to our grandparents and said "Hey look, you're not very good with money, so why don't you give us some of your money and we'll hold onto it for you, and then give it back to you when you get old." And our grandparents, because they were stupid, thought that sounded like a good idea. So they all gave the government a little bit of their money. The Government then went off and bought a bunch of cool stuff with the money, radios... Rolls Royces... tanks... things of this nature.

A while later out grandparents got old and annoying and started demanding the money that they had coming to them. Since the government had already spent it all, they went around to our parents and said "Hey look, you're not very good with money, so why don't you give us some of your money and we'll hold onto it for you, and then give it back to you when you get old." And our parents, because they were stupid, thought that sounded like a good idea. This time the governemnt took a whole bunch of money, so they could gave half to our grandparents, and then still buy really cool things, Such as televisions... Corvettes... intercontinental ballistic missiles...things of this nature.

Problem is, eventually our parents will also get old and irritating (for some of us it's already happening), and they're going to want their money back. Then the government is going to come to us, and say "Hey look, you're not very good with money, so why don't you give us some of your money and we'll hold onto it for you, and then give it back to you when you get old." And we're going to say yes, because we have poor pattern recognition skills, because our elementary school teachers always skipped math when other activities ran long.

But here's the thing, the government's going to need to take an assload of money. Because (a) they already owe our parents a bunch of money and (b) they still want to buy really cool stuff. Only now they're going to want to buy computers... space vessels... killer androids with heat-seeking lasers, things of this nature. And I don't know if you've priced killer androids with heat-seeking lasers recently, but let me tell you they cost a pretty penny (probably has something to do with not existing yet).

Anyway, I don't know about you guys, but I don't really plan on making enough money to buy the government a bunch Terminators (at least not unless you all start clicking on the ads for Jesus Ringtones a lot more).

And that, my friends, is why Democrats are wrong (for why Republicans are wrong, see The George W. Bush Administration).

Category: Politics

What a Long, Strange Journey it has Been

2006-07-13T14:55:00.000-07:00

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!!!

That’s right folks the Frobozz Magic Rambling Company is officially one year old today. (Does this mean I get presents? – Ed.) No.

But what it does mean is very special edition of the Ramblings. That’s right, it’s the dreaded Flashback Episode. A lot of crazy stuff happened in the last year, so let’s look back on all the memories, and see what came from them.

The FMRC started off with a posting on those Inept Democrats and how they’re probably going to nominate Hillary come 2008. Well, a year later Hillary’s still the front runner (God help us), and I’m officially a Democrat, albeit a self-loathing one. Personally I’m still praying the Dems regain their senses and nominate former Virginia Governor Mark Warner.

A month later we were talking about Jesus and the Christ family. In the time since then a semi-decent movie in which Tom Hanks had a bad haircut came out and talked about Jesus and the Christ family. To date that movie has grossed close to three-quarters of a billion dollars worldwide. Meanwhile the FMRC has grossed three cents and a Starburst wrapper. Life isn’t fair. To be serious about The DaVinci Code for a second though, it was pretty good, but here’s what I don’t like. Movies/books like that, dealing with the Catholic Church and a bunch of conspiracies to cover up the “truth about Christ” are frustrating. Because they distract people from the actual issues with Christianity and make anybody who points out interesting viewpoints look like a crackpot by association. We should be discussing alternate views on Jesus (i.e. other Gospels or different interpretations of the Bible) and DaVinci Code makes that hard to do, because it just makes it all too over-the-top.

Come September I was bitching about the Michigan Student Section for football games. In case you’re curious: the Student Section continues to suck.

Days later I said that “Up” should be the default position of all toilet seats and that “if you're paying so little attention that you put your ass in toilet water, than you deserve it. Plain and simple. And I'm not saying it could never happen to me, I'm just saying that if it did, I'd have to say "Yeah, yeah, I'm a dumbass, I should probably look at where I put my bare ass before I put it there." And then I'd wipe myself off and complete the shit I was apparently going to take.”

Well, just a few days ago I sat down on the toilet, distracted by the newspaper, only to end up with an ass covered in toilet water. So I am, apparently, a daft twit. Big surprise there.

Next I posted on how Sport is Sport, the first of a few homage posts, this one a la Scoop Jackson. Just for the record, Sport continues to be Sport, and the women in my life still don’t get it.

Come October, just past my 21st birthday, I admitted on the blog that I was a virgin. Well, that has since ceased to be true. So that’s nice. I still won’t be talking about my sexual exploits, for obvious reasons, but let me recheck in with something I said in the infamous sex post. I still say you don’t forfeit the game just because your quarterback gets injured (check the post if the metaphor isn’t sinking in with you). However, I realize now that there can be intricacies at work here. That said, if she wants you to send in the second stringers and finish the job, you better damn well find somebody to hand the ball off.

In November I lamented how hard it is to be a fan, and this fall, it’s just going to get harder. Come October, not only will I have Michigan games to watch, not only will I have a Fantasy Football Championship to repeat in, not only will Detroit Pistons Basketball be starting up, but I’ll also have to mix in a DETROIT TIGERS WORLD SERIES. Motherfucker. I may have to drop out of college.

Come Christmas, and a very special posting, I made an offhand comment that people often think I am Jewish, but that I was in fact raised Catholic. Since then I have found that I may in fact be 1/8 Jewish, but we aren’t really sure. Apparently a great-grandpa may have been born Jewish in Russia, but never properly raised Jewish since being Jewish in communist Russia was a no-no. So this puts years of urges to dance the Horah in perspective.

In February, I said that a monkey with autism would make a better GM than Isaiah Thomas. Thus far no NBA teams have taken me and Koko up on our offer to test the theory, but Isaiah hasn’t done much to disprove it. At this point, I’m going to take the next step past saying that Isaiah is the worst GM ever in Sports history, and say that he is in fact the single worst executive EVER. In anything. Sports, business, politics, whatever. Caligula was a better executive than Zeke. And while we’re on the Knicks, a quick comment on what they need to do: WHATEVER IS NECESSARY TO GET LEBRON ON THEIR TEAM. I don’t care if it means getting rid of the next draft pick you have (which is, I believe, in the late 2030s). I don’t care if you have to trade Channing Frye. I don’t care if you lose 80 games a year until then. I don’t care if you have to hire an assassin to kill Stephon Marbury to get out of that contract. It doesn’t matter. Do it.

The very next day I posted on the greatest event of the last year. Vice President Dick Cheney shooting a man in the face. It was amazing. It was spectacular. It made my life. I can die happy, now that the Vice President of the United States of America has shot a man. And where did he shoot the man? In the face. He shot him in the face. Total number of times since then that a Vice President of a major world power has shot a man in the face on accident: 0. Total number of times I’ve thought about Vice President Dick Cheney shooting a man in the face and giggled to myself: 3,492 and counting.

In April, there was the infamous Duke lacrosse scandal. Since then, the news on this has abated a great deal, however, just this week Collin Finnerty (one of the three accused of the rape) was convicted of another assault charge he had previously been facing. Here’s (as Steve Colbert would say) All You Need to Know: Finnerty’s lawyer was named Steven J. McCool. Holy crap, that’s the best name ever. How do judges take him seriously in court? “Mr. McCool could you please approach…hee hee, Mr. McCool…what a silly name…tee hee.”

And finally, there was everyone’s favorite post: Craig's list. So, for the last time, here’s the best “casual encounter” I’ve seen posted on Craig's list recently:

I'm not sure if there is a name for this, but I've seen videos about it...

You know how a guy is very sensitive after orgasm... What I want to try is where the cock/head is continuously stroked during that time.
I really have no idea why. And I can't do it on myself, it's just too sensitive.
There's just something about it that really intrigues me.
I'm quite certain I'd need to be restrained in some fashion so as not to be able to get out from your grasp.
I want to see how long I can take it.

Send me an email of why you'd like to try it with me and we can go from there.
Please no smokers or BBW. Both are so not attractive.
And I would prefer no one over 40 unless you can convince me otherwise.

Thanks for your time!

As always, I’m amused by a request like “no smokers” in this context, but my favorite part of this post is the last line. Between the courtesy and the exclamation point it sounds more like the conclusion to church newsletter than a bizarre sex post.

So there you have it. Frobozz Magic Rambling Company is one year old. I hope I’ve brought you a few laughs over the last year, or at the very least killed some time at work for you. And hopefully I’ll be back to posting more regularly once August rolls around.

Inevitable Doom

2006-07-12T08:59:00.000-07:00

As we are all of course aware, the inevitable downfall of Western Civilization will eventually be attributed to a single defining moment: the invention of AIM. AIM is destroying the youth of today in any number of ways. Corrupting their grammar, their ability to spell, and decaying their minds with an ocean of sappy livejournal-type profile tidbits.

But AIM has recently released a new and more dangerous type of havoc. AOL is now (and I believe it is intentional) trying to destroy children's abilities to recognize even the simplest of facial expressions. For those who don't know how important that skill is, it's one of the bedrocks of our ability to be a social creature. With a future generation of citizens unable to determine their respective moods through visual clues we'll be forced back down the evolutionary ladder. The only reasonable alternative: sniffing one another's asses.

Why does AOL want us all to sniff each other's asses? I don't know. Maybe they have a weird ass smelling fetish. Maybe their asses smell particularly pleasant, and they believe a social hierarchy built upon ass-sniffing will allow them to gain complete world dominance. I can't say.

But I can tell you how AOL is doing this: through the addition of the point-and-click Emoticon menu on AIM.

When I was a kid, if you wanted to let someone know you were happy while on AIM you had to either (a) actually tell them you were happy (the nerve) or (b) carefully craft an artistically brilliant semi-likeness of a smile, like such : ) . Similarly, being cross might be shown through a bent brow as in >: (

But today's kids have no need for such crude, as AIM now provides emoticons you can simply click on and embed in your messages.

Now, I'm not an old curmudgeon who's going to begrudge the youth of today their conveniences and carefree lifestyle (well I am an old curmudgeon, but I choose not to begrudge this particular development). I appreciate the color and life of the new emoticons. But what I do take offense to is the naming of these emoticons, and the obvious misrepresentations they are of human emotions. (Also AIM now calls them "smileys" which I find annoying since only a handful are of smiling faces).

Take for example the emoticon that AIM calls "Undecided". This emotion is represented by the following image

And I think it's pretty clear that this doesn't bear any resemblance to the facial expression taken on by someone who is undecided over an issue. Clearly, this is the face of someone who is constipated. Which is similar to being undecided, except far more painful. So now, thanks to AIM, we're going to have a generation of children who think that constipated people are merely on the fence about where to go for dinner.

But it gets worst. Look at the emoticon AIM calls "Money-Mouth"

Here the actual emotion that is clearly being displayed is "Self-loathing and frustration with myself over having sewn my lips together again, with a hint of hoping someone will call the hospital for me, as I can't speak through these stitches." I think we've all been in that situation a few times, and I know it's going to piss me off when it happens to me next and some confused kid thinks I'm merely being "money-mouth". (And while I'm on this...what the fuck does money-mouth mean anyway? Is it a play on 'put your money where you mouth is'? Is it slang for spoiled? When is this emoticon used by anyone?)

Another misrepresentation is the "kissing" emoticon:

Even the most naive of observers should be able to tell that this emoticon is actually saying "Sucky-sucky five dollar, me love you long time."

AIM strikes at the heart of our civilization with the "Yelling" emoticon, trying to throw off our medical community:

This is obviously a man saying "Help me doctor, I've contracted a rare disease that is slowly turning me into a Japanese Anime character. I fear that if you don't act quickly, everytime I speak my mouth will take up half of my face." And I dread to think of a day when doctors cannot recognize this emotion for the horrible fate that it is, but think only that they are being yelled at for no apparent reason.

Even the less insidious misrepresentations are still drastically off. "Laughing", for example is similar to laughing, but only if you happen to be the Joker from the Batman comics.

And while "surprised"

does indeed seem to indicate surprise, to me it doesn't say "I'm surprised by what you just said" as much as it says "I'm surprised by the fact that I just unexpectedly received an enema."

There is, of course one more misrepresentation, but I believe it to be an honest mistake. This is the "Lips-are-sealed" emoticon:

This emoticon rather obviously made it into our batch by mistake. It should have been in the AIM given to the Predator Species. I believe the emotion represented by this particular Predator Emoticon is "My your acid blood smells lovely, would you like to hunt the Governors of California and Minnesota with me?"

My Generation is Smarter than Yours

2006-07-12T08:55:00.000-07:00

I was watching Quiz Show the other day (great movie, if you haven’t seen it, turn off your computer, drive to Blockbuster, rent it, watch it, marvel in the glory that is Rob Morrow’s accent). Anyway, I was watching Quiz Show, when, for the first time in God knows how many viewings, I noted that one of the characters discussed the “crisis of education in this country”.

I found this interesting, given how much that phrase is thrown around about the modern day education system, and how often my generation is called stupid in comparison to past generations.

That line, combined with some guy being on the Colbert report making some very good points about this issue, has reaffirmed my previous belief: that anyone who thinks my generation is dumber than previous ones is out of their fucking mind.

It’s just bizarre to me that people think my generation isn’t as bright as my parents' and so forth, and I’m going to take a post explaining why it’s bullshit.

One of the things they always throw around to say my generation is retarded are these stats about how we don’t know simple things. The most popular of these is the “3 out of 4 young adults can’t find blank on a map/globe.”

Which is about the stupidest fucking argument I’ve ever heard in my life. First off, you’ll notice these polls never include information on how many people from other age groups can find whatever on the map. Without which, the data MEANS NOTHING. Without a comparison set of data for some other age group, what am I possibly supposed to conclude from the fact that (according to the National-Geographic-Roper Study) six in 10 young Americans ages 18 to 24 cannot find Iraq on a map of the Middle East?

Because frankly I doubt that more than 4 out of 10 adults can find Iraq on a map of the Middle East. I’m not sure my father could pick Iraq out of a map that included only Iraq and Iran.

Even giving me data about kids from other countries would tell me something. It wouldn’t tell me anything I didn’t already know, that Americans are less well informed about world affairs than non-Americans, but at least the poll would then SUPPORT A CONCLUSION OF SOME SORT. As is, it literally says nothing. It means nothing. No inferences can be drawn from this report. I am befuddled as to why the people who conducted this survey did not feel a need to have it be useful.

But even if I were to grant that 60% is a high number of young adults to not be able to locate Iraq on a map (which I cannot grant since I have NOTHING TO COMPARE IT TO…Jesus Fucking Christ, didn’t these people have to take a stats class or something in college? I swear to God…okay deep breaths…deep breaths).

Okay. I’m better. Even if I could say that was a high number, let me ask you this: WHO GIVES A FLYING FUCK? When is this going to come up in my life time? At what point is a future employer likely to throw a map on my desk (one without the names of the countries for some inexplicable reason) and demand that I locate Afghanistan (Which 88% of young adults couldn’t do…hint: look for the smoldering hole on the map).

Guess what? Not going to be an issue. Not being able to find Australia on a globe will never affect my life. If I go to the airport and get on the plane with the big sign that says AUSTRALIA, it will take me there. It is highly unlikely the pilot will ask me for directions.

And if you do need to find Afghanistan on a map (God knows why), that’s why maps have the names of the countries written right on them. So we don’t all have to memorize which one is Jordan and which one is Syria.

So please cut the “It’s a travesty, how can young people not locate Bangladesh while blindfolded in a dark room, and surrounded by midgets” because that DOESN’T MEAN A GODDAMN THING.

(Lot of caps-locking going on in this post…very emotional issue for me…sorry).

Furthermore, please cut the bullshit comparisons to other countries. First of all, a lot of those countries (i.e. Japan) only allow their best students to continue on in the educational systems, so of course they test higher than our kids. If you only tested me, I’d kick the shit out of the rest of the planet, I can say with a fair level of confidence. But that’s not a very good measure of a country's education system. And even given that we are slipping in comparison to the rest of the world, that’s a whole lot more about the rest of the world not sucking like it used to, and not about your buddies being Einstein, Granddad.

So why do I think my generation is smarter than yours, old people? A lot of reasons. First, high schools are offering more and more AP level classes, suggesting that the advanced kids are learning faster than they used to. Second, kids today manage to learn (in my opinion) pretty much everything your generation learned, while at the same time doing a whole lot extra (i.e. computers, larger music/art programs, more extracurricular activities, etc.)

But frankly, those aren’t the big reasons. The big reason is that my generation is capable of doing more than one thing at a time. I don’t know if you’ve ever noticed, but people older than about 27 or so, are incapable of concentrating on more than one thing. If the TV is on, they cannot have a conversation with you. It’s impossible for them.

Why? They didn’t play video games growing up. And this is the big difference for my generation. We all grew up playing with computers and Nintendo and whatnot. And for all the garbage old people spew about how video games are rotting our minds, what they’re actually doing is making us way smarter.

Bear with me on this. What a video game is (in the most basic of terms) is a collection of sensory inputs and puzzles. Those puzzles may or may not be logic-based, they may merely require you to push buttons in some specific sequence in order to throw a proper attack combo, but regardless that’s a puzzle. It’s something you have to learn to do, while reacting to the environment of the game.

Further, video games (unlike many of the games our parents grew up playing) get harder as you play them (unless they suck or you cheat). Video Games are designed to be just hard enough that they are constantly challenging, without ever being so hard that you give up. And as you improve they continually push you along to get better and better at what you’re doing.

Now you might protest that you are getting better at that skill, but in the case of CounterStrike, that skill is to shoot people. And here’s a crucial point that you may or may not believe: that doesn’t matter. It doesn’t matter what the “goal” of the game is. Especially since those goals are just a dummy set of variables for the same basic set of inputs: reacting through pushing buttons to do X in a limited amount of time to event Y taking place.

It doesn’t really matter what event Y is or what X is caused by pushing the buttons. Regardless, you are training your mind to make quick decisions in response to sensory inputs. And (this is the crux of that crucial point) anytime you use your brain that’s a good thing. It doesn’t matter what skill you’re training it with, it’s always benefiting you.

Now, are some games even more beneficial than others? Yes. Obviously. And here’s another key point: those games are among the most popular.

The most wildly successful computer game ever is the Sims. A game that teaches you to interact socially with others. The Civilization games are also incredibly successful. These are games that teach you history, teach you politics, teach you strategy, resources management, and God knows what else. The MYST games were huge. Tetris is one of the best selling video games of all time, and it’s basically the spatial reasoning portion of that skills test they made me take in high school.

So not only are video games helping us to increase the quickness of our reflexes and decision making processes, not only do they teach us to mentally multi-task, not only do they constantly push us to our mental limits, but they actually often teach us real-honest-to-God knowledge and skills.

So shut the fuck up about how smart you and your buddies were pops, cause my generation will mop the floor with your ass.

Now if you want to challenge us to some sort of fitness competition, feel free to walk away with that trophy right now.

The Manhunt Continues

2006-06-09T14:05:00.001-07:00

I often wonder what it must be like to work for the FBI, part of a national security team constantly striving towards catching the single most dangerous man in the world, and the most reviled in American history.

You come into work on Monday and stop at the water cooler to discuss how close you are with your co-workers.

"We'll get the bastard soon. Maybe not today, maybe not tomorrow. But soon. We almost placed a mole in there recently. Would've found the evidence we needed with that."

"Still, Bob, we'll get him soon. And thank God. He's been a slap in the face of this country for too long."

"Your right Jim. God I hate Barry Bonds."

Yup, that's right, amidst FBI's busy schedule of tracking down terrorists, safe-guarding the country, and finding that Bin Laden guy one of these days, they've found the time to focus on what really matters: Nailing baseball players who use banned substances that do no actual physical damage to anyone other than themselves.

For those who haven't heard, Arizona Diamondbacks pitcher Jason Grimsley was recently asked to wear a wire buy the FBI in order to gather evidence against Bonds. A wire. To catch a guy who's infamous crime was CHEATING AT BASEBALL.

Thank God the FBI's here. It's about time they took the home run record from that cheater and gave it back to a player who earned it the right way: Mark McGwire.

But I'm not here to talk about the past. (Total number of readers who got that joke: 2)

So adding, "placing a mole in MLB" to the bulletin board of recent government activities, here's what we get:

-Debating an amendment to the constitution banning gay marriage despite the fact that Congress already passed a law defining marriage for federal law as between a man and a woman.
-Compiling a database of every domestic phone call placed in the country.
-Proposing debate over an amendment banning flag-burning (which is, I have to admit, a national emergency. You can barely raise a flag up a pole without some crazy flag pyro trying to set it on fire.)
-Attempting to find the body of Jimmy Hoffa
-Discussing English as a national language
-Safeguarding that most sacred of American freedoms: the knowledge the our home runs our manufactured only by chemical enhancements that we condone.
-Shooting a man in the face...hee hee the Vice President shot a man in the face...that's still funny.

Now, with the exception of number two on that list, all those items seem almost unbelievably inane. It seems shocking that our government would waste it's time which such ridiculously trivial matters. Number two on the other hand (the database of domestic phone calls) is moderately horrifying and the first time in my life I've wondered if all my crazy liberal friends who think Bush is a despotic tyrant are in fact right (and I fucking hate it when I have to grant the legitimacy of crazy liberal thinking).

The rest though, just seem like a gigantic waste of the taxpayers time and money, and you would think I'd be outraged that the Federal Government has such poor priorities.

You would, however, be very very wrong. I'm thrilled the Federal Government has such poor priorities. Every time I hear that the Gov is going to spend a day debating flag-burning or holding congressional hearings on baseball, I dance a little dance of joy.

Cause that's one less day they can spend fucking up my life.

Think about it. Would you rather have the government do what they do in an average year, or sit around with their thumbs up their asses getting drunk and trying to score with interns? (assuming of course you don't think that is in fact what they do in the average year) I'd much rather they do nothing. When they do something, it's usually something bad. Or something good, but done in a totally fucked up way.

People say that the government should be focusing on the war on terror. Here's a short list of what they've done when the focused on the war on terror:

-Compiled the aforementioned 1984-style database
-Threatened to prosecute the NY Times for breaking the news of said database
-Started a (largely unneccessary) war with a country that has been far costlier (in both lives and money) than they expected, and which has met with (at absolute best) moderate success.
-Ran a prison that the rest of the world seems to think violates basically everything in the Geneva Accords.
-Generally pissed the rest of the world off to a great extent

So maybe it's just me, but I think I'm fine with them not focusing on terrorists. If they get consumed enough with English as a national language, maybe we can keep from starting a war with Iran.

Some people want them to focus on the economy. I can't think of anything worse the government could possibly do than focus on the economy. I suppose they could just start kicking people in the junk on the street, but that seems unlikely (although the Vice President might shoot you in the junk if you aren't careful). Anyway, let Alan Greenspan chant incantations over a boiling cauldron, and other than that just leave it the fuck alone.

So please, hunt down Barry Bonds. And while you're at it, see what you can do about the Designated Hitter rule. I've never really cared for that.

Some Sports Stuff

2006-05-25T20:19:00.000-07:00

Having been on a bit of a writing hiatus after finishing the novel (email me if you want to read it...assuming you know me and have my email...if not fuck off), I haven't much posted to the blog recently, and a couple of people have commented on that fact. The good news, for them, is that I've finally written a new post.

The bad news, for them, is that it's mainly about sports. Sorry, there's just a lot in the sports world to talk about right now.

First things first, why do guards on other teams never learn not to expose the ball to Lindsey Hunter? Seriously, the guy has to average a steal a game, and he barely plays 10 minutes. Newsflash to the NBA: He will take the rock if you let him. Don't other teams have film of the Pistons? Don't they have scouting reports? Shouldn't Pat Riley call White Chocolate (Jason Williams for those unversed in the GREATEST SPORTS NICKNAME EVER...seriously, White Chocolate, that's fucking fantastic)...anyway should Riley call him over when Lindsey checks in and say "Hey dipshit, I know he's old and whatnot, but he's really good at taking the ball, so try and not let that happen."

Continuing on with some Pistons discussion, two questions. First (and I know this gets asked a lot) how do you get into the NBA without being able to make a free throw? Seriously...how did Ben even make his high school basketball team? I mean, I realize he's built like a beast, but it seems like the coach should have taken him aside and suggested that maybe he should look into playing Linebacker instead of basketball. Surely, over the course of warm-ups, practices, individual training, and games, Ben has shot the ball thousands upon thousands of times. (I would think so, but don't call me Shirley -ed.) So why does it seem like half of the guys I play lightning with could do better from the FT line, even given being in front of 20,000 people, than Ben does?

Secondly, what the hell is Tayshaun doing during the half a minute or so between when he catches the ball and when he shoots it? Is he just the least decisive person ever? Does he have some Buddhist chant he has to do before he shoots? What the fuck?

Speaking of what the fuck, has everyone heard the Danny Almonte news? For those unaware of Danny Almonte, he was the kid who was tearing up the Little League World Series a few years ago, and then they found out he was 14 and not 12, which is a big Little League no-no. Anyway, he's now 19. He's also now married. Which is creepy enough to me, but get this. His wife is 30. 30. Three-Oh. 30. Not a type folks. She is 30. Her kid, who is now Danny's stepchild, is 12. Which makes Danny just 7 years older than his stepchild. It's plausible that they could have gone to grade school together.

And more to the point, Danny just graduated high school...what high schooler has the cajones to ask out women in their late twenties? Where does a teenager even meet women in their late twenties? What exactly is your pick-up strategy?

Last sports comment for the post, I wanted to talk briefly about The King, LBJ, Mr. Lebron James. Now, a lot of people around Michigan got on Lebron's case a lot during the playoffs, largely because of all the media attention lavished on a kid who has never actually won much of anything (the prestigious All-Star Game MVP Trophy aside). I'm not into that, largely because I like Lebron a lot, I think he's doing a stellar job of handling both the spotlight (you never hear him say something in an interview that makes you go, "Aw dammit Lebron, that was a dumbass thing to say," unlike many other NBA stars) as well as the pressure (the chronic nail-biting aside...which has the definite potential to turn into full-fledged dementia).

While I'm on the subject of Lebron, I believe this summer, when Cleveland asks him to sign the contract extension, he should do what I believe every franchise-defining athlete should do, hold the team for fucking ransom. And I don't mean money, the Cavs will already throw all the money they can at him, I mean extra benefits. For starters, QuickenLoans is a shitty name for a stadium, and Lebron should demand it be renamed. My personal suggestion: The Lebron. Seriously, how cool would it be to tune into NBA games and here Mike Tirico say, "We're here at The Lebron..." Alternatively he should demand the team be renamed the Cleveland Lebrons. Or that a giant image of his face replace the Cavs logo on the court. Or that Ilgauskas change his first name to something easier to pronounce. Whatever, I don't really care, just have some fun with the negotiation is all I'm saying, see what they're willing to do.

Anyway, getting back to why I don't agree with getting on Lebron, it's that it's not like he's the guy walking around saying "Hot Damn I'm good. I'm the next fucking MJ. I'm the greatest who ever lived." (He's probably thinking that though, and quite frankly he should be, cause if he's not he won't be the next MJ...by which I mean Magic by the by)

It's not like he came up with the Witness campaign, Nike did, so there's no reason to throw it in his face every six seconds.
That being said however, I have a fantastic idea for a new Nike commercial.

It should start with a shot of an empty QuickenLoans arena in Cleveland, and then show Lebron playing video games at his house, watching the Miami/Detroit series, going out to bars with Ilgauskas and hitting on girls (and preferably Lebron would buy some girl a drink and say, "You know, people say I'm going to be the next Jordan"), and finally shaving off that ridiculous throat beard. And then they can flash that "We are all witnesses" slogan, before closing with a shot of Lebron sitting on the couch in his boxers eating cheetos and watching South Park.

Speaking of commercials, I want to take a moment to note how many great commercials are out there right now. The new VW commercials with the horrifying crashes are fantastic. I've never seen commercials that I considered emotionally jarring, and I think it's just a brilliant idea. More companies should get into this.

Also, I love the new Mac commercials with John Hodgman and that kid from Dodgeball. No individual one is that great, but I appreciate that they filmed about a dozen so I get to see new ones a lot, rather than watch the same damn commercial for six months.

And this is the problem with things like TiVo and XM radio: they cut out the commercials. And say what you will about the number of shitty ones (and they are plentiful) the good ones are often better than the crapass television I'm actually watching.

Being summer, the radio has started, once again, to play the greatest radio commercials ever created. I'm speaking of course of the Bud Light "Real American Heroes" commercials. So you can keep your fucking 700 digital stations that never stop playing music and sports talk and whatever, because I need to hear that guy talk about hot dog eating contest winners and how great they are while a dude croons "Someone get me to the bathroom" in the background. (If you haven't heard this one yet, get in your car, turn it on, and don't leave it until you hear it, trust me, it's worth it)

Revisiting Old Posts

2006-04-20T13:09:00.000-07:00

Wanted to put up some updated information on some old posts from the Blog. I'm doing this largely to procrastinate away from working on writing my novel, which I'm working on largely to procrastinate from stuyding for my final exams.

First off, my craiglist posting met with wide approval (and or disgusting shock, which I took similarly). Well, while working on Stats the other day, a friend and I stumbled across this gem of a post, and I thought I'd share it:

iso Personal Assistant. For the last couple of months my dream has been about finding a girl I can have for myself really long term. Best would be a free minded girl with open spirit and a really tight pussy. I love feeling your pussy lips slurping on my penis shaft when hump you like a rabbit. God I love being on top pumping in the missionary position. Doggy is fun too, but doggy is best if you are standing up. Am I naughty? Yes I am a big bad wolf. I am looking for a regular innocent girl, definitely not a perfect one. Just be human and real. I hate liars and as long as you are truthful then let us have a wonderful super erotic time together. We don't necessarily have to talk too much. Just get naked and get fucked by my meaty dick. Wow I cannot wait until I can finger your young fertile pussy. All sex must be raw and natural like Romeo and Juliet.
The rest of the time will be just plain old simple office work.

Yes, yes that man just compared anonymous prostitution with the greatest literary commentary on love in the history of the world.

Moving on to other Posts gone by, Facebook recently added a few features, and (I'm sad to say) they've lowered it in my eyes. My main complaint is about the new "Current Status" feature. Basically it's a box that starts "Jason is..." and then you fill that in with "...taking a massive dump." or whatever the case may be. Presumably, the idea of this feature is that whenever you go to do something, you tell facebook what you're going to go do, so that your friends know where you are (be it at a party or studying or whatever). I wish I had been in the room when this feature was discussed.

"Okay Team Facebook (I really hope they call themselves this), so far we've gotten millions of college students to put such information as their home addresses, place of employment, AIM screen names, email addresses, and often cell phone numbers up on the internet where any number of people can access it with a minimum of effort. And thanks to that photo album idea we've also gotten them to put up enough pictures to make visual identification a snap. What else should we have them put on the internet?"

"Well, Bob, I know that when I'm creepily stalking and/or planning a serial killer spree, I'm often frustrated by having to wait outside my victim's work or home for hours on end waiting for them to show up. How about we have the students constantly post messages with their exact whereabouts, so that stalking them is as easy as checking your email?"

Of course, I'm not actually worried about people being stalked through facebook, because nobody really puts up what they're actually doing anyways, instead putting stuff like "Bob is awesome!" or "Max is fucking your mom!" or "Zebediah is playing with his flame thrower." or "Hillary is screwing your mother." or "Isabella is with your mom." And frankly most of those aren't really going to help out stalkers all that much. Either that or my mother is involved in a lot more gang bangs than I would have expected.

Next up, I just wanted to let everyone know that the Meijer in Ann Arbor indeed no longer carries Taystee Golden Split Top, the greatest bread in the history of the world. I'm organizing a massive nation-wide boycott to put an end to the madness.

Finally, revisiting the fact that Isiah Thomas could not pass a Turing Test, I'd like to make this prediction: This summer, Zeke will either (a) try and trade for Allen Iverson and give away too much young talent in the process or (b) sign Peja to an obscenely ridiculous contract.

Some Odds and Ends

2006-04-06T07:33:00.000-07:00

Now, you might be thinking to yourself "Man, after that last post, I don't know what he could write that could top that. What could he possibly find that's more disturbing than that?" (And if you haven't read that last post, give yourself a treat and check out the Craigslist post).

Well, loyal readers, one need look no further than the front page of ESPN.com to find that. For those who haven't been following the story, a young black woman was paid to strip for some members of the Duke Lacrosse team (I'm unclear if she was a stripper professionaly, or not), and is claiming that a few of them raped her while calling her various racial slurs.

Now you might say, "Hey, that's not cool, but I don't know if it's as disturbing as people looking for promiscuous beastiality." And you'd be right, until you read the email one of the Lacrosse players sent out right after the 'party'.

To whom it may concern [I have] decided to have some strippers over,however there will be no nudity. I plan on killing the bitches as soon as the walk in and proceding to cut their skin off.

Which pretty much made me sick. I mean, honestly, how did they let this kid into Duke? Proceeding has two e's, jackass. Don't you have a spell checker on your email? Try using it sometime. The nerve of some people.

Apparently he then explains in explicit terms that he will find this sexually gratifying. So that's fun.

But you know me, I like to look at the bright side of things, and find what amuses me about them. So here's what's great about this case. 46 of the 47 lacrosse players had to give sperm samples to determine if they were involved in the rape. Why didn't the 47th? He was the lone black member of the team, and the woman explicitly said all her assaulters were white.

And you know this guy has to be looking around thinking, "Huh, because I'm black...I'm NOT a suspect...FUCKING FINALLY! Being black pays off for once." Seriously, has any person in the history of North Carolina ever been presumed innocent because they were black? It's like bizarro world.

If you haven't heard Eminem and his wife Kim have filed for divorce...again. I know, shocking isn't it? They made it three whole months, though. That's almost an entire college semester.

Finally, I wanted to comment on a commercial I saw the other day for Vonage. Vonage is some sort of new phone service, that claims to be different than regular phone service because it has a cool commercial. Or something. I wasn't really listening. Because I was focused on the fine print at the bottom.

Note: Vonage 911 is not the same as regular 911

Ummm...what the fuck? What do you mean your phone service doesn't provide the standard 911? That's kind of an important number. What the hell kind of 911 do you provide?

"Vonage 911 Emergency, how can I help you?"

"Yes, thank God, there's a crazed man in my house, he's got an axe, I think he wants to kill me, I'm so scared, please help me."

"Oooh, this is awkward...see you're thinking of regular 911, and this is actually Vonage 911."

"What the fuck are you talking about? Just send help, I don't want to die."

"Yeah, see we here at Vonage 911 don't really do axe-murderers. But is there any trouble with your billing that I can help you out with?"

muffled screaming

Oh, and they found a Swan dead from Avian flu in Scotland, just to keep you all updated on the impending doom.

Craig's List

2006-03-23T21:37:00.000-08:00

Chances are most of you have never heard of craigslist.org. The site started in San Francisco (probably by some guy named Craig...I'm just guessing here), and basically it's a classfied ads page on the internet. It's got rental/sublet listings, shit for sale, job postings, and personal ads. It has, over several years, spread from San Fran to any number of cities, including Ann Arbor (which is why I've heard of it).

Anyway, that's the background. I found out about Craigslist last summer, and check it every so often (once a month maybe) just to see if there's any cool stuff under the "Free" listing within the sales section (every so often there's like a poker table or something sweet being given away by someone who's moving). But that's not the section I want to talk about.

The section I want to talk about is within the personals. I started checking the personals this summer when my co-worker and I found the "missed encounters" page. Basically this is unintentional comedy at it's highest. It's a page of postings that all go something like "I saw you this morning at Starbucks. You had hair, I was wearing a shirt, I'm sure you remember me. Despite having seen you for four seconds and knowing nothing about you, I'm certain we must be soulmates. Give me chance to meet you, because I'm too big of a pussy to have said hi then." Anyway, this page is great. My favorite ever post went something like this (and this is me paraphrasing, but it's pretty close):

'You were standing on the corner of State and Hill this morning around 10. I drove by in a black Saab and shouted "CRAAAIGSLIIIST!" out the window.'

And I just love that. Because it brings me hope that somewhere in AA is a guy who drives around shouting Craigslist at every cute girl he sees, and then posts this like once a week. And presumably he thinks this is perfectly reasonable behavior.

But as much as I love the "missed encounters", Craigslist has recently added a page that is far more...bizarre. This page is called "casual encounters" and I'm sure you can deduce what it's about. What follows for the next few paragraphs is a sampling of posts from this page, in approximate order of how fucked up I find them (least to most). Some of this is a little graphic, just as a warning.

6'0, 150 lbs, brown hair, just finished my 4 years military and have my birthday tomorrow! So that'll make me 23 then. I'm just lookin for an older woman mainly (28-45) for a good time and to be taught a few things. By no means would I turn away someone younger, but I haven't been with that experience yet. Looking for friend with benifits only to meet here and there. My place won't work so I'd have to go to yours. Sending me your pic will get you mine.

i'm looking for a girl who loves to suck and can't get enough of it. i'm attractive well hung (but not too big) and would love to have some NSA fun with you. i'd be happy to return the favor and would love to go further than oral sex (but that also enough if thats all you're looking for). i'm drug and disease free and will be very discreet. let me know if you're interested. no men please.

God bless the irrationally homophobic.

I have been studying like way too hard and I want to have some fun. You'll need to let me come there as I have 3 roommates and I want to be discreet. You know how college girls talk. Today or tomorrow would work best for me. Pick a place to meet and then we can go back to your place and have hot sex. I'm 5'6", strawberry blonde hair, 125#, 34D and real cute.

Based on craigslist, all women weigh less than 130 pounds and have at least size 34 C cups. So that surprised me

I'm pretty much a str8 guy,but I like to suck dick ever now and then.. Today is one of those days.. Looking for other str8 guys that wouldn't mind letting another str8 guy suck their dick..

I'm a single white male, 5'8" tall, brown hair, blue eyes, weight proportional to height who seeks a local female in need of a good bare borrom spanking. I can set goals for you and issue discipline to correct bad behavior such as weight gain, out of control spending, etc. Let's meet once you get a medium level spanking and we talk about what you would like corrected in your life? Then going forward we can meet weekly or biweekly and if goals are met the spankings are light. If goals are not met, well you know what will happen. Interested? Email me.

Weird and creepy or no, this is quite well written for Craigslist.

I want to suck your cock in the changing room at Victoria's Secret. I want to fuck you in the bathroom during dinner at the restaurant. I want you to lick my pussy in the park. Give me a facial in the stacks at the library. How I'd love to do all these and more. Will you join me in these public displays of affection. I'll look good on your arm being 5'8", 123# with long chestnut brown hair, a great smile and an awesome fit body.

Looking for a woman that is pregnant and plans to breastfeed, or some one that is lactating now that would be willing to share her breastmilk with me. I would be willing to pay you $1000.00 in cash for the privlilege and would like to meet with you often. I am white, 5' 11' brown hair, hazel eyes, with a hard body and a soft heart, I will also remain vary discreet, thank you.

hey im looking for a lady (slave pref.) in the ann arbor area who would like to hook up NSA, preferably one into beasitality. (my emphasis) please respond back if ur interrested

Hello Ma'am: I'm a 44 year old single submissive white male. I'm 5'8" tall, brown hair, blue eyes and my weight is proportional to my height. I seek a local female who would either just like to set back and watch me jerk off, use toys on myself or someone who seeks to participate in whatever way she chooses. My toys include a butt plug, nipple clips, clothes pins, paddle, belt, catheter tube or anything elase you might request me to bring. I'm very discreet and would expect the same. My place or yours is fine. If your interested please email me and tell me what you might enjoy and I can schedule something. Please no men or couples (man and woman).

It's the ma'am that gets me on that one.

When spanking just isn't good enough........... - m4m - 38 sommetimes an old fashioned enema is just the thing you need. 18-35 in-shape guys. Send face pic

And this one is by far my favorite I've seen so far. Keep in mind all of this is from a 20 year old girl.

I am a 20 year old girl that is looking for a BI-GUY. NO straight guys and NO gay guys, only bi-guys. You must be between the ages of 18-25, if you’re hot and a little older than I can probably make an exception. Race is not important at all.
Now what I am looking for is a guy that will help me with some of my fantasies. I want a guy that can and will fuck me good in front of my boyfriend, someone who will humiliate him with me, someone who will make him dress up like a girl and service you while I watch. I want a guy that will satisfy all of my dirty fantasies.
You must send a picture with your e-mail; I will send one of us if I like what I see. Please only people that are serious reply! I might take awhile to get back to you but I want a guy that can truly help me out with what I am looking for. You must be disease free. I am white 5’6. 34C, 145lbs.

Okay, now that I've gotten all that out of the way, here's my basic comment:

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?!?!?!

I like to think of my self as a pretty progressive guy. I don't want to make judgements. Straight, gay, bi, I don't care, you do your thing. You like anal? That's fine. You like being spanked? Enjoy. You like...using catheter tubes...I don't really understand, but catheter away. Threesomes, foursomes...pregnant breastfeeding (what the fuck? Seriously, what the fucking fuck?), you do whatever makes you happy.

But isn't there a way to do all of it without resorting to posting for anonymous sex online? Aren't there like clubs for this kind of thing or something? And what the hell is with everyone specifing no diseases? Dude, if you're asking for a submissive woman who enjoys beastiality, you're probably open to the idea that everyone has their little fetish. And maybe her's is spreading herpes. You really think the dude with the clap, patrolling the anonymous sex postings is going to be deterred by a polite, no diseases please? Isn't that like saying "and please don't respond if you're actually a crazy fucking psycho who plans on chopping off my head and keeping it in your freezer?"

And who are these people? Do I know people like this? Is the kid from my marketing group also participating in anonymous bisexual threesomes that include the usuage of rodents? Does my waitress from last night sell her breastmilk to the guy who loves enemas? Where the hell do these people come from?

Cause with a lot of things, I can imagine where my life may have taken a turn in that direction. But I'm afraid I can't put my finger on what would have to be different about my childhood for me to find myself one day posting: Just moved to michigan looking for younger male i\to help welcome the wife. I'm straight will watch and participate.

Who the fuck are these people? Are they jokes? Are they liars? Are they psychos? Or is this seriously something that people do on a daily basis in the real world?

And here's one of my favorite aspects of the list: probably 75% of the postings (gross estimate, that) are for tonight, as in the solicitor is looking for a sexual partner for that night. Which I find amazing. Is the traffic for this that consistent? I would think you'd want to post at least three days ahead of time to give yourself some leeway.

I don't understand. My naive little world is being shattered as we speak.

Okay, just one more post before I close, because this is just amusing.

Do you like playing chess and giving something up when you loose? Why don;t you have some fun with me ;o)

Where has all the bread gone?

2006-03-09T18:50:00.000-08:00

So according to a recent comment on my blog, I got confused about which team was which in that last post, and McElwain's team actually beat that other team by like 30, not lost to it by a ton. Which makes more sense really. Why the hell didn't my fact checker catch that? (what fact checker? The only two people here besides you me and Scott Baio. I'm not so much a fact checker as a schizophrenic delusion that lives in your head. And Scott Baio's too busy doing cocaine off strippers to check your little "facts" -ed.)

Right. Anyway, sorry about the mix-up. Not that any of you give a damn. Also, whoever posted the comment with all the porn links in it, that's just inappropriate. I like to consider this a PG blog...with a lot of swearing...and often graphic imagery about violence...and sometimes I talk about graphic sexual materials...and there was that one time when we all got drunk and sacrificed a goat to Allah. But still, I don't go to your pornsite and post a bunch of links to stupid humor sites like Scribs or Penny Arcade. Which are both quality sites, you should all check out (also many of the sites linked to in that post are quality sites as well - Scott Baio).

Anyway, tragedy struck today, or at least I think it might have. I went to Meijer, and to Kroger, and at neither place could I find the Golden Split Top White bread that I've ate since I was about 5 years old. Now, maybe they were just both out of stock. Or maybe the package was changed and I didn't spot it.

But I'm becoming increasingly worried that my bread has gone out of business, or isn't stocked anymore, or perhaps I've stepped into some horrible alternate universe where the Nazis prevailed, and all the Golden Split Top bread was destroyed.

I'm probably being paranoid, and my bread will probably be there next week when I look again, and all will be well. But it did bring to me this cold realization: one day, it is very possible that their will be no Golden Split Top bread. Or perhaps Kellogs will go out of business, meaning no more Pop-Tarts. Or maybe Comedy Central will fold. Or some other even more horrible tragedy that I can't even bring myself to imagine.

It's the kind of problem that you never really think about. When they say "All good things come to an end" I always think of college, or relationships, or losing a job, or the death of a loved one. And while those are often very difficult to deal with, I understand that I will have to deal with them. But I never considered the possibility that I wouldn't be able to buy a New Balance shoe.

I'm afraid...somebody hold me.

Warning: Unfunny Post! Warning: Unfunny Post!

2006-02-23T11:52:00.000-08:00

The Madness is coming folks. I hear it, calling me. It's going to be here in just a few short weeks, The 2006 NCAA Basketball Tournament. March Madness.

And it's about this time every year when my female roommates find themselves unable to fathom how I can watch that much basketball. Because I exaggerate not one bit when I say that on March 16th and 17th I will not leave the house from noon to midnight. I will leave my couch only to get food and use the bathroom. These are the best two days of the year, and not everybody understands that.

And I've said before, that's okay. It's okay that not everyone gets sports. Sports aren't for everyone. But, once in a while a story comes along, out of sports, that is just so damn great that everyone should hear about it. Well, about a week ago, a story like that happened.

Let me say now, this post isn't going to be funny. I'm not going to rant. I'll try to keep it from being totally sappy and over-the-top, but I make no promises. I just wanted to share this story with people who may not have come across it otherwise. If you watch much ESPN, you've probably seen it already, and it may well be breaking into normal news as well now, but I wanted to mention it just the same.

Here's the setup. It's February 16th, at a high school basketball game at Greece Athena High School, I think in Rochester NY. Since it was senior night for the team, the coach decided to play Jason McElwain, who was a benchwarmer who also served as team mananger, and hadn't played a minute all season.

Now here's where the story gets better: Jason McElwain is autistic. He's a high-functioning autistic high-school senior.

Jason promptly went out and missed his first two shots. Greece Athena was down by double digits anyway, so it wasn't really a big deal. In fact, Jason may not have gotten a chance to play at all if Athena hadn't been out of it. So nobody really cared that he missed his first two shots, they were just excited to see him playing. And then that's where the story gets much, much better.

After missing his first two shots, Jason dropped 6 three-pointers (a school record) to rack up 20 points in 4 minutes. Let me say that again: Kid went 6-6 from distance. Now, Athena didn't win. In fact they lost by about 20. But that didn't stop the student body from storming the court at the end of the game, lifting Jason up, and marching him around on their shoulders.

Now, does all that justify me sitting on my ass for a combined 20+ hours over two days watching basketball? No, probably not. But it's pretty damn cool just the same.

Super Double Bonus Figs

2006-02-16T11:50:00.000-08:00

Holy crap, folks. It's a BONUS POST! That's right, this week I managed to drag my lazy ass of the couch not once, but TWICE in order to post new updates.

Today's post has no real unifying theme, there were just a few things on my mind, and I thought post them up.

First and foremost, if you haven't heard, Dick Cheney shot a man in the face. The Vice President of the United States...shot a man...in the face.

Now you might think I would do a whole post worth of jokes on that. But I'm not going to. Why? (1) The Daily Show did so many great jokes, I feel like they stole every possible angle. If you can catch the February 13th episode in reruns or online do so. Funniest first segment ever. (2) The event frankly speaks for itself in terms of humor. The Veep. Took a gun. Filled with birdshot. Shot a man. In the arm? No, not in the arm, in the face.

So since I'm not going to talk a ton about that, what I'd rather discuss is this: Has there every been a sketch or comedy bit in which Dick Cheney was the Penguin from the old live Batman show? Is this something I saw on the Daily Show or SNL? Or has nobody else made this connection yet? Seriously, listen to his voice. It's uncanny.

The other big thing in the news these days: the Winter Olympics where you can watch (in order of likelihood to put you in a coma)...curling...or the luge...or ice skating...or hockey.

My thoughts on the Winter Olympics:

(1) Why the hell is snowboarding in the Olympics? I get that they want to attract a younger audience, but have less than two Americans ever won medals in a snowboarding event? Seriously, who is our competition? The legions of Brazilian snowboarders? Speaking of this do they relax the rules on number of continents on which a sport must be played for the Winter Olympics? Because otherwise, how is snowboarding in it? Are their more than a dozen countries that have snowboarders? Not to mention the luge. A lot of lugers in South America are their?

(2) Bode Miller...what an ass.

(3) Has anyone seen Chad Hedrick at these games? First off, his teeth are frighteningly large. Secondly, he's gay right? I mean, he lisps...announcers keep talking about some guy who's his "good friend", he's got to be gay right?

(4) To give you an idea of exactly how lame the Winter Olympics actually are: American Idol had more American viewers on Tuesday than NBC's coverage of the Olympics.

And last but not least, ESPN.Com is reporting that a substitute teacher in...I don't remember where, but who cares...a substitute teacher was arrested for taking $1 a day bribes to a let his students skip gym class. Seriously. I'm not making that up. This happened.

So let me ask you this, when you bribe your substitute with a one-dollar-bill, do you still do that thing where you fold it into your palm and shake it to him all smooth like?

Basically what I'm saying is this: The VP shot a man in the face...students are bribing teachers to skip gym...and every olympian you see on the news keeps saying "the medals don't really matter that much". I think it's the fucking apocalypse people. Watch out.

Isiah Thomas: Making Sports Fans Everywhere Ask, "Hey, Why Can't I Run the Knicks (into the ground)?"

2006-02-15T15:28:00.000-08:00

Man, punning in the title. That's just a great start.

Anyway, for those who haven't heard the news yet, ESPN.com's rumor mill is reporting that the Knicks are trying to get the Magic to trade them Steve Francis. And I quote: "The Knicks believe Francis and Stephon Marbury can play together in the backcourt."

Now for those of you who can name all of 6 players who aren't on the Pistons (and three of them are named "Shaq"...get it? Because he's very, very fat, you see), the names Steve Francis and Stephon Marbury may not mean very much to you, so let me try and make it clear to you, through comparison to my beloved Pistons.

You know that "Team-First" attitude everyone loves about the Pistons? How they look for the pass first and shoot second? How individual stats and playing time and shots taken don't bother them? How they just care about winning?

Well you could think of Francis and Marbury as the anti-Pistons. It's not so much that these guys have never seen a shot they didn't like, as that they've never seen a shot they wouldn't be willing beat the shit out of Channing Frye to take.

Now let me preface ripping on Isiah Thomas as the worst GM since...since...does somebody actually GM the Washington Generals? Anyway, let me preface that by saying that maybe tomorrow it'll turn out that the Knicks actually plan on shipping out Marbury for some picks and just swap one shoot-first-ball-hog 1-guard that Larry Brown hates for another shoot-first-ball-hog 1-guard that Larry Brown will hate. Or maybe Isiah's evil twin is running the Orlando Magic secretly and they're going to give away Francis for Jalen Rose and some sexual harrassment legislation.

But at the moment I'm operating under the following two assumptions: (1) Isiah actually believes that Francis and Marbury can play together and (2) the Knicks are going to have to part with either young talent, prospects, or some nice expiring contracts to get him.

Assuming those are true, then let me be clear: This is the worst idea in the history of sports. This is a worse idea than the White Sox taking money to throw World Series games. This is a worse idea than the NHL players thinking the owners would blink first. This is a worse idea than Tonya Harding having Nancy Kerrigan's knee taken out even though she would've needed to knock off about three dozen olympians plus the entire cast of Disney on Ice and whatever former ice skater happened to be announcing that night before she could have won a medal.

If Bill Belichick decided that Tom Brady was a pretty boy who got too much credit, and that he could win with any QB, so he traded for Joey Harrington and cut TB? That'd be a better idea than the Knicks playing Francis and Marbury.

If the Portland Trail Blazers had known in 1984 how good Jordan would end up being, and they had still taken Sam Bowie over him? That would be a better idea than the Knicks playing Francis and Marbury.

But why limit ourself to sports? Letting Hitler annex Czechoslovakia? Better idea than this trade. Going hunting with Dick Cheney? Better idea than this trade.

Seriously, though, I almost hope they make this trade. A lot of hypothetical questions could be answered. For example: has a backcourt duo ever taken 100% of their team's shots? Has a 2-guard ever punched his point guard in the face, and stolen the ball from him because he was only getting 30 shots a game? Can a team average 0 assists for an entire season? How many possesions could they go without letting their frontcourt touch the ball? How many players would opposing teams have to put on Francis and Marbury before they decided to pass the ball? How high can Larry's blood pressure get before his head literally explodes? And when it does, will he be more or less boring in the post-game press conference?

And, as NBA fans are asking themselves more and more often, would a monkey with autism be better GM than Isiah Thomas?

Ode to a Facebook

2006-02-02T08:23:00.000-08:00

Facebook: It's like crack for dorky college students...except you don't have to suck anyone's cock to get it.

Man, that should be their motto shouldn't it? For those who aren't currently in college (and/or those who have better things to do with their time than explicitly type out how they met every single one of their friends), let me give you a very brief explanation of facebook. Imagine your typical "freshman facebook" filled with profiles of all the students at your college. Now link that facebook with all the other facebooks of every college you can think of. Now replace every third profile with a fake profile of John Stamos, or the Pope, or the Bubonic Plague or facebook.com itself (my personal favorite, the picture is a picture of the profile, and the picture in the profile in the picture is of the profile in the picture. It's all very heady). Next, have people scribble "virtual graffiti" on their friends' profiles, composed primarily of stupid chain letters. Finally, have people release far too much personal information to the web community at large, while at the same time affiliating themselves with groups proclaiming one of their fellow students has a nice ass.

And that's facebook. Now you might think from the description that I think facebook is stupid, but I most certainly do not. I think it's a virus sent here from an alien planet intent on destroying the productivity of my generation, make us ripe for conquering in 20 years.

Seriously, I realize that this sounds bizarre to anyone who isn't on facebook (read: "a member of our glorious cult"), but it's the most freaking addicting website since dolphinsex.org.

I can't explain it, but I incessantly need to know anytime any one of my friends changes the slightest detail in their profile. I assume the website is designed to release a special pheromone from your computer while you check it.

Anyway, allow me, for a moment to explain several features of Facebook that I think puts it head and shoulders above the livejournals and myspaces of the world.

(1) While viewing someone's profile the header bar states "John Doe's Profile". When the profile you view is your own, it reads the as follows: "John Doe's Profile (This is you)". Or at least it would if your name was John Doe, which unless your parents hate you, it probably isn't.

Frankly, I find this to be about the most comforting thing I can imagine. It's possible I've mentioned this before in the blog, if so I apologize, but I just find it delightful. In this crazy world, where you never know if you're coming or going, and half the time you feel like you have no idea who you are, you can always check facebook. There you can view a webpage that lists you as a member of "People who Remember Tori from Saved by the Bell" and think to yourself, "yeah, that is me, isn't it?"

(2) The fact that Political Views is listed before all personal information except relationship status. I find this amusing for two reasons: First, given the number of people from my age group who actually bother to vote, I think it's fair to say, albeit intensely depressing, that most of my peers have stronger opinions on "Favorite Music" than "Political Views". Of course the reason politics is given such prominence is that the dorky people from Harvard who run the site probably view it as really important. Secondly, however, even they couldn't find it in themselves to elevate it above RELATIONSHIP STATUS.

It brings to mind a scene form the Tao of Steve (if you haven't seen it I recommend it) in which the main character argues that romantic love is the official religion of America. I don't want to get into that (since I won't do the scene justice), but I think he's got a point, and I think the fact that one of the first pieces of info a site like Facebook asks for is your relationship status speaks to that point.

(3) And speaking of the relationship status, I went to change mine today, and thought to myself that I had no idea what I wanted to change it to. I was going to simply leave it blank, but then I found that facebook has precisely the option I wanted. Under relationship status you can choose: Single, In a Relationship, In an open relationship, engaged, married or It's Complicated.

And I'd like to thank the facebook (and yes when I think of thanking the facebook I think of thanking an amorphous concept of facebook.com, and not the actual people who created the site) for acknowledging that for many of us (if not most), our relationship status doesn't really fit in a little box.

In fact, I'm beginning to wonder if we shouldn't just all choose one of three options: "single, married, It's complicated".

Okay, before I close off this post, I'd just like to comment that the spell checker on the blogging site I'm using here doesn't recognize "blog" as a word. And that amuses me greatly.

"Let the little one-eyed bastards play"

2006-01-24T13:41:00.000-08:00

There are three things I worry about on a routine basis:

(1) The eventual collapse of social security plunging America into economic ruin.

(2) The viruses winning the war against humanity.

(3) America getting into a war like 15 years in the future and the 18-23 year olds of the time being such huge pussies that we get our ass kicked by some shitty-ass third world country like Ethiopia or Canada.

Because I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but recently we’ve begun to coddle our children like the slightest bump on the head would turn them into Christopher Reeves (too soon? too soon?).

Personally, I blame home economics class. Hear me out on this. After years of teenagers being forced to carry around eggs and treat them as if they were children, I think our school system has managed to brainwash parents into believing their kids actually are as fragile as eggs (which explains the recent craze of storing infants in tupperware containers lined with cotton balls).

But whatever the cause, I’m sick of all the safe comfortable playground equipment. What the hell is with the molded plastic all set two feet off the ground? At my elementary school we had something called the “Spider Web”. You probably had it too, although maybe you called it something else. It was basically a geodesic dome (yes I said geodesic dome) made of metal bars connected to metal nodes. Underneath it was a bunch of bare ground, on which the grass had long ago died since it was under a fucking metal dome.

Anyway, I have no idea what the people who built this thing intended for kids to do with it, but I do know what my friends and I used it for: to injure each other in creative ways. Whether it was playing chicken on top of it or playing chicken by hanging down from the top. We played games inside it that involved running at high speeds near the overhanging bars. People jumped off from as near to the top as they dared, we played King of the Spider Web, and generally just gave as many concussions as possible.

And you know what? We’re all fine (with the exception of those of us who are now suffering from multiple personality disorder -ed.) (I think I have schizophrenia, actually, you’re more of another person I imagine than a voice in my head) (Oh, I didn’t realize. Well in that case I’m going to go out for a pizza okay? -ed.) (Sure).

Kids need to get roughed up a little. They need to skin their knees. They need to play dodge ball in gym class and learn how to avoid fast-moving projectiles thrown by the more athletic children. In fact, I greatly appreciate having played dodge ball in elementary school, since it served as good training for all of my classes during middle school.

But little kids don’t play dodge ball anymore. Too violent. And they don’t play other contact sports either. And here’s why I worry about all this: we’re turning our children into pussies.

Emotionally well-developed pussies yes. Pussies with high self-esteem, pussies who respect one another’s individuality and personal space, yes. But still pussies. Big giant freaking pussies.

So what happens if we have to send the pussies into battle? Will they approach the enemy and want to talk to it about how they can affirm one another personal values and respect their respective cultures? (actually that might work, they could bore the enemy to death -ed.)

The only thing that sets my mind at ease is that war is becoming more and more computerized. And if there’s anything that today’s kids are getting better and better at, it’s video games. In fact, video games are the only real outlet kids have left for their violent urges, which might explain the exploding popularities of video games in which you decapitate babies and the such.

Anyway, here’s my suggestion. Let the little fuckers beat the shit out of each other in real life sometimes. Because the only violence we let them take part in is virtual violence, and that doesn’t properly enforce the negative consequences of decapitating babies. So either let the bastards take some aggression in real life or put electrodes in video game controllers that will shock the hell out of them whenever they lose a life.

Larry King, done Frobozz Style

2006-01-12T12:05:00.000-08:00

A while back (in the Ramblings’ old HTML days…how young and naïve we were then) I put up a post about Sports and why they were, you know, fucking awesome. I did this post in the style of Scoop Jackson of espn.com. I was bored today at work, so I decided to write up my next post, and wanted to do something similar.

So, today’s post is á la Larry King of CNN fame. For those who have never either (a) seen or read Larry King’s News and Views or (b) read ESPN the magazine’s “If Larry King Wrote for us” or (c) seen that awesome SNL sketch where Norm Macdonald parodies Larry King, here’s an idea of what it’s about.

Basically Larry throws out a bunch of quick thoughts on recent events…people in the news…or really whatever the hell seems to come to his mind. Often these thoughts make little if any sense. Anyway, here’s my News & Views:

Maybe it’s just me, but I think if we ever clone a human baby, we should clone a twin. Then we can sit all three babies next to each other and play Three-Baby-Clone-Monte.

I don’t care what anyone says, I STILL think the Detroit Lions should draft Marcus Vick.

The more I think about, the more convinced I am that Kevin Costner has no perceivable acting ability.

Sudden thought: No one on the planet likes the Rock Financial ad campaign.

When it comes to evolution versus intelligent design, evolution wins hands down.

Here’s the dirty truth, gang, despite President Bush having declared the mission in Iraq accomplished almost two years ago, there’s still some work to be done there.

You heard it here first, folks: One day, Google will rule the internet.

Is it just me, or is sliced bread overrated?

You can talk all you want to about D'Brickashaw Ferguson, but I think people are overlooking this Reggie Bush kid.

If you ask me, Aaron Sorkin is the greatest contributor to English literature since Shakespeare.

When it comes to evolution versus the Scientologist belief that we’re all brainwashed alien souls, evolution wins again, and we all feel a deep need to crush Tom Cruise’s larynx.

If you can only see one movie this year, it probably shouldn’t be something you’ve already seen.

I think people are making too big a deal out of this Avian Flu. Relax folks, they’re just birds.

Apple is working with Intel to redesign their processors, and if I know Bill Gates that can only mean one thing: Somebody’s going to get pistol-whipped.

Does anyone else miss Pogs?

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are having a baby. Just a hunch, but it could be good-looking.

The Tenth Circle of Hell

2006-01-05T22:01:00.000-08:00

If you’ve never read Dante’s Divine Comedy, I highly recommend it. It’s the perfect book for those who love three line stanzas that don’t rhyme since they were written in Italian originally. Unless you spoke Italian, in which case you could read the original which would rhyme…at least I assume it does. (In point of fact, the entire piece follows a remarkable pattern of ABA BCB CDC DED…where the first and third lines of each stanza rhyme with the second line of the previous stanza, giving off the impression of a fountain or flower blooming forth, it’s called terza rima and was invented by Dante. -ed.) Umm…okay.

Anyway, I was thinking about Dante’s nine circles of hell. Dante’s work outlines a systematic set-up of hell complete with punishments, including locales for the lustful, the gluttonous, heretics, murderers, Evil counselors, Sowers of Discord, alchemists, traitors, and others.

Here’s my problem: Dante’s setup was all fine and good for the middle ages, but I’m not sure the last time I ran into any alchemists. And unless evil counselors refers to high school guidance, I’m not really sure where that one falls either.

On top of that, I find it strange that Dante thinks of betrayal as the worst of all sins, worse than murder and rape. Which apparently means that if Dante was given a choice between his best friend Bob either (a) betraying him over a girl or (b) raping and killing him, he’d go with option B. So that’s odd.

All this is to say the following: it’s about time we added a 10th circle to hell isn’t it? In the modern world, there are a fuckload of sins worst than anything Dante came up with, so I thought I’d throw out a few of the worst.

The first ring…or subcircle or whatever the hell they’re called…of the 10th circle of hell is for people who get in the U-Scan line with more than the 12 item maximum. And to be generous I’ll let those who get in the line with 15 items or whatever slide for now. It’s the motherfuckers who pull in with the carts spilling over with shit. What the hell? It says 12 bitch. I’d rather not stand around holding my 12 pack of pepsi, jar of peanut butter, and loaf of bread, while you scan 19 different baking products. Take that shit to the regular line. Can’t they rig the machines to refuse to scan the 13th item? Or charge a dollar extra for every item? Or better yet, release some sort of powerful electric shock that zaps the shit out of these people?

Next up: couples who sit on the same side of the booth when eating by themselves. There are probably a few of you reading this who think it’s sweet to do it, and I’m sorry, but you’re going to have to burn in eternal hellfire for it. Them’s the breaks. Look, I realize touching your loved ones is fun, but for Christ’s sake give it a break for like two hours. Six thousand years of civilization is with me on this. People are supposed to face each other when they eat. You’ll just have to learn to deal with it.

Third group: people who type lol when they are in fact NOT laughing out loud (for shame -ed.) Look, the letters stand for something. If you aren’t doing it, don’t fucking type it. Also, the eight nanoseconds you save by typing r and u as opposed to are or you aren’t going to give you the free time to find that cure for being a fucking moron you‘ve been looking for. Please stop that as well.

Fourth group: people who suggest Oprah Winfrey deserves to win the Nobel Peace Prize. This might not seem like an issue, but it's come up at least twice for me. At what point did our society decide that the Nobel Peace Prize can just be given to anybody who's nice? Don't get me wrong, Oprah's a great person. Charitable like you wouldn't believe. Did a lot for Katrina victims. Seems to generally care about people's problems. And if you want to give her that Presidential Gold Medal thing we give out, that's cool. Make her Time's Man of the Year? She'd be a fuckload better than Bono. (Bono shouldn't even be Time's Member of U2 of the Year -ed.) But shouldn't Peace Prize recipients do something that has to do with, you know, peace? When Oprah solves the Kashmir conflict, toss her name in the hat, but until then shut the fuck up about it. She hosts a TV talk show. She does not bring stability to the Middle East. Let's not make this more than it is.

Well, for those who I've already condemned to the bowels of hell...sorry about that. Sucks to be you I guess. For those I haven't, trust me, I'll get to you at one point or another. And just to be clear, I'm confident there's a prime seat being warmed for me in the tenth circle as well.

Next post: Why seat warmers piss me off.

Or maybe something political, I don't know.

Christmas Post

2005-12-22T13:41:00.000-08:00

This is the first post to be written directly on the Blogsite, which is kind of exciting for us here at the FMRC. And you might be asking yourself "what's this 'us' shit white man?" to which I have three responses:

1. My aren't you quite the racist.
2. The line is "what's this we shit" not "what's this us shit"
3. This us shit is the introduction of a new character...persona...role (schizophrenic delusion that exists only in your mind -ed.)

Well there he is folks, Ed. Ed is not, as others have previously assumed, an editor of any sort, so sorry if you thought for a moment that the language on these things might be brought all the way to the seventh grade level or so.

And since this is a very special Christmas Rambling...err a very special Holiday Rambling...Seasonal Rambling...Wintertime Rambling...Rambling that is in no way associated with the birth of Christ, especially since all reliable historical evidence suggests that it would have been summer when he was born.

Anyway, since it's a special Rambling that happens to come near December 25th, I think we all know what the introduction of a new character means (the ramblings have jumped the shark? -ed.) No, it means that Ed will do something incredibly short-sighted and stupid that completely ruins the holiday (Long Island Egg Nog seemed like such a good idea at the time -ed.) and then we'll have to be worried that there won't be any Christmas...but wait! Scott Baio's here to save Christmas! (wow special guest star...we must have gotten a budget increase -ed.) (not really, I'm Scott Baio, I'm working for a can of cheese whiz and an old boot. What the fuck else do I have to do? It was either appear in this Rambling or spend Christmas with a hooker -Scott Baio) (we can't do both? -ed.)

You see kids, that's your brain on two weeks worth of finals and marketing projects. Now drugs don't look so bad do they? (I've got some H if you want any -Scott Baio) (now who's in charge Charles? The drugs are, that's who -ed.)

Anyway, before I get into my thoughts on the holiday season, I wanted to mention that I went to put air in my tire today and was met with a dreadful surprise. Air now costs 50 cents everywhere I went. What the fuck? It's air. I have to pay for air? Is there an air shortage driving prices up that I wasn't aware of? Keep in mind, it's not oxygen, you might have a hard time getting oxygen, it's FUCKING AIR.

Okay, enough Bah Humbugery for one X-mas post. Here are my X-mas thoughts for the day:

1. X-mas sounds like a way more badass holiday than Christmas. "What'd you get for Christmas Billy?" "I got an action figure." "What'd you get for X-mas Zebediah?" "I got a flame thrower." Notice that the child who celebrates X-mas not only got a better present, but a better name too. (plus he's amish apparently, so the flame thrower is a manual, not an automatic. Automatic flame throwers are for pussies -ed.)

2. I know I already mentioned this, but I think WNIC needs to cut back on how early they start the Christmas music. I love Christmas music (although I find the worst Christmas songs get played the most), but fucking hell people. You played Christmas music starting Nov 1. That means you played it for two whole months. That means 16% of what you played this year was Christmas music. Motherfucker.

3. Typing these on my parents' computer is really fucking annoying, because it keeps pausing so I don't see what I typed for like three seconds.

4. I hate to weigh in on the Merry Christmas versus Happy Holidays debate, because the Daily Show has done so much material on it these past few weeks. But I do have this thought about it. I'm Christian...well I celebrate Christmas anyway...so this is total speculation (you're not Jewish? -ed.) No, I was baptized Catholic. (are you sure? You look pretty Jewish to me -ed.) No, I'm not sure; it's possible I am an Irish Jew. Of which there are zero. Anyway, I celebrate X-mas, so I can't be sure, but I think if I didn't that the phrase Happy Holidays would annoy me more than Merry Christmas.

Because while Merry Christmas could be interpreted to be this arrogant assumption that everyone celebrates Christmas, Happy Holidays seems worse to me. Because that phrase seems to suggest that your holidays are all basically the same as Christmas, so since they fall near it we'll just lump them all in together and act like they're a package deal. And my response to that would be "Fuck you, my holiday isn't some Christmas add-on".

Of course all that being said, anyone who gets offended when someone else wishes them (essentially) happiness and good cheer, whatever the words might be, has a lump of coal for a heart. So sucks to be them.

4. And last but not least, there was a comment in Lore Sjoberg's lorebrandcomics that I enjoyed and wanted to share. And the poll this thing refers to is an actual Newsweek poll. You can go check out the comic yourself (I recommend both the comics and the Book of Ratings both of which can be found at slumbering.lungfish.com) but the visuals are unimportant (just a dude standing there).

The text is as follows:

"A Newsweek poll found that 67 percent of all Americans believe in the virgin birth of Jesus and 82 percent believe that Jesus is the Son of God."

"..."

"So fifteen percent believe that God came down and fucked the living shit out of Mary."

And on that pleasant thought, I'll close this post. Have a wonderful Christmas or Hanukah or Ramadan (although probably a less wonderful one, since fasting all the time has to suck...although I don't know for sure that Ramadan is still going at this point) or just a good week off from school or work (hopefully).

The Ramblings will return in the new year (and good news, I'm working again, which will probably mean more frequent posting, since IÂll have little else to do), until then "'Glory to God in the highest, and on Earth peace, good will toward men'. That's what Christmas is all about, Charlie brown."

(And if you thought I was going to do a whole Christmas post without quoting A Charlie Brown Christmas, than you're nuts)

A Few Random Sports Thoughts

2005-12-19T17:45:00.000-08:00

Iuck the Frish
With a last name like Sullivan, it isn't easy to say this, but there's no team on the planet I hate more than the Irish.

My hatred for Notre Dame runs as far back as I can remember, and deeper than my distaste for any other team. MSU? I love MSU. I love watching them build up expectation for several weeks, lose to us, and then piss away the rest of their season. What a bunch of headcases. Ohio State? Oh I hate Ohio State all right. But that's just a rivalry thing. I hate them because they're the other perennial Big Ten power, because of all the championships they've stolen from us (and vice-versa). I don't hate anything about the school really. The Yankees? Sure I hate the Yankees, but I'm a Tigers fan, so the last important baseball game my favorite team played in was a few days after I was born. And it's hard for a fetus to develop a proper amount of hatred.

But The Gold and Green? Ummm....Gold and Blue? Gold and white? What the fuck, would you people pick some colors already?

And if the color confusion wasn't bad enough, how about the cultural one? Why is a school named after a cathedral in France named the Fighting Irish? Shouldn't you people just be called St. Patrick's College or something? Maybe Pass the Potatoes U?

And what the hell is with the scotsman in you marching band?

But all that stuff is only skin-deep. My hatred for Notre Dame is about one thing only: The ridiculous sense of entitlement that school feels.

I hate watching a crappy second-rate team get coverage on NBC every other Saturday just because they were Notre Dame. I hate listening to people call them "America's Football School" when the haven't won a National Championship in my lifetime. I hate that the BCS has a Notre Dame clause in it's regulations. I hate that Notre Dame is going to make a BCS bowl when Ohio State, Auburn, Georgia, and Oregon are all way more deserving of it. Notre Dame beat who precisely? Us. That's it. And that was just before we lost to Wisconsin and Minnesota. Very impressive. If you're biggest mark on your resume is LOSING to USC, then why the hell are you in the BCS? They lost to State for heaven's sake.

But I do like Charlie Weis. And I hope he brings Notre Dame back to national glory. And I hope they make the National Championship game next year. And I hope we're their waiting for them, and Mike Hart shows them his backside for 300 yards or so. And then I hope the NCAA finds out Notre Dame's entire school (not football team, school) is on steroids, and officially throws them out of the association.

Joe Thornton and Why Hockey is Fucked

For those who haven't been watching ESPN recently, Joe Thornton of the Boston Bruins was traded to the San Jose Sharks (read about it here). This trade is so earth-shattering that Sportscenter compared it to Willie Mays being traded to the Mets. And frankly I only have one thing to say about it:

Who the fuck is Joe Thornton?

Seriously, I've never even heard of this guy. Is he any good? Haven't the Bruins sucked since like Bobby Orr? How can he be that great if I've never even heard of him?

And this my friends, is why Hockey is fucked. Because the problem wasn't salary structure. And it isn't an oversaturation of the market. It's that guys like me, guys who LOVE sports, who will watch any random damn thing ESPN shows (spelling bees, darts, trick shot pool, hell I've watched chess) don't like hockey very much. We just don't like it. And you can make all the rule changes you want, and we still won't like it. Don't know why, just don't.

Unless of course you mean college hockey, in which case T.J. Hensick is my boy.

Mr. Soriano Goes to Washington

It's December folks, and we all know what that means.
No, not College Football Conference Championships.
No, not the Lions being out of playoff contention.
No, not Shaq being injured.
No, not NASCAR having it's brief three day off-season.
No, not the first Portland Trailblazer getting caught for blazing it up this season.

Okay, look, it means Winter Meeting for Baseball. Hot stove? Big trades? Free agents getting paid way too much money? Look, I know there's snow all over the ground, and the national pasttime isn't necessarily on all our minds, but let's try and focus shall we people?

Brief thoughts on this year's off-season:

Super-excited that Mike Piazza is being let go bye the Mets. I'm hoping this will propel him back into the commentary booth. Did anyone see him during the playoffs? The man made more comments that could roughly be translated as "I'm totally not gay". It was freaking hilarious. I would pay good money if Mike Piazza got on baseball tonight. "Seriously, guys, I think Jason Giambi looks a lot slimmer this year...not that I spend a lot of time looking at Jason Giambi...or any time, I mean I just hear his weight you know...on the wire...man how about that Anna Benson huh?"

Why on earth would Boston trade Manny? Guys, let me give you a heads-up. By April, Manny won't even remember that he asked to be traded. He's a loon. He has no idea where he is. I tell you what, drape some Ivy on the Green Monster and tell him he got traded to the Cubs.

The Unbearable Difficulties of Being a Fan

2005-12-19T17:44:00.000-08:00

It's hard to be a fan. People don't appreciate this. My (female) housemates who complain that all I do is sit on my ass watching sporting events don't realize that it's not easy to devote yourself to sports the way a fan has to.

First off, there's just the scheduling nightmares. It isn't easy to organize your saturday plans to make sure you're home to watch the Miami/Va Tech game and still make it out for partying. And staying up until 2 in the morning every night when the Pistons are out on the West Coast can start to add up after a while. Or you get into a month like October, where you can barely find time to eat between baseball playoffs, football Sundays, College Gamedays, and golf...okay maybe not golf. And that's not even mentioning international events. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to plan for the World Cup? Last time I literally had to go to sleep at like 9, set my alarm for 2, and drive over to my friend's house to watch the USA/Mexico match...and when I ran around the next day screaming about our victory, most people had no idea what I was talking about. Cretins.

Plus if you're a big enough fan, eventually you're going to find yourself rooting for mutually contradictory things. This weekend my Lions are playing the Arizona Cardinals. Now I obviously want us to win, but the thing is I have Larry Fitzgerald on my fantasy team, so I also want us to give up about 350 yards passing (preferably all to Larry). Or what about if Wisconsin wins this week, MSU loses, OSU wins, and Michigan wins. Then, should Michigan beat OSU, I'll find myself watching the PSU/MSU game in the following light: If MSU loses they don't go to a bowl (oh happy day), but if they win Michigan is Big Ten champs. Now here I know what to do, bite my tongue and root for MSU. But I'm not entirely sure I can manage that without throwing up. Or what about the Knicks this year? On one hand, I find myself wishing them the best, because I love LB and want him to continue to do well. On the other hand I really want to see Isaiah Thomas trade Marbury away for Mehmet Okur. I have a sincere belief that the fact that Isaiah missed the opportunity to sign Okur to an obscenely high contract keeps Zeke up nights. I mean, that's the golden boy of overrated players being ridiculously overpaid right there. How is he not on the Knicks?

And speaking of rooting for things that make you feel worse than Brett Favre when he looks around the locker room (what's the over/under on Packers who catch passes this week that Brett Favre knows by first name? like 4?), there's always the horrific injury that benefits your team. Now nobody wants to see someone get hurt. Especially not an injury that jeopardizes career or (heaven forbid) their day to day life. But on the other hand, how many Michigan fans can honestly say they didn't cheer when Stanton went out injured last year? And you don't feel good about it, but that's how it is. Just this last week, Priest Holmes has suffered from an injury (various reports have listed this thing as a bad back, sore neck, a tumor on his spine, a broken hip, a slight cold, Gingivitis, alzheimer's, stigmata and the bubonic plague...seriously, shouldn't some one know what's actually wrong with him?). Anyway, he suffered from something that is putting him out for the season, maybe for good. And I feel for him, because he's a great running back, a great athlete, and I imagine a fine person. So I want to see him play again. On the other hand I have Larry Johnson on my fantasy team, so I'm basically doing cartwheels inside.

So you see? It's not easy being a sportsfan. It's not easy juggling 5 real teams, three fantasy teams, a half dozen sports, and you know...your actual life. So the next time you see your friend/roommate/boyfriend/girlfriend/cousin-in-law/indentured servant/circus freak sitting on the couch zoned out watching three college football games and an NBA basketball game, plus a re-run of last week's World Series of Poker, do a fan a favor: go make sure all his fantasy players are actually going to play tomorrow.

(originally written November 11th)

A Little Dr. Drew Action

2005-12-19T17:43:00.000-08:00

Okay, I have a promise to keep here, so this entry WILL be about the loving. That’s right folks, we’re talking about sex now. And for some of my loyal readers (all 3 of you) this could get a little weird. Because let’s face it, many of you have known me a long time. Might even share some genetic material with me. And maybe you’d prefer not to hear about my sexual exploits. Well, let’s be honest hear, you don’t really need to worry about that. You won’t be hearing anything about my sexual exploits because (of course) I have no sexual exploits

Yep. That’s what I said folks. For those who aren’t reading between the lines well, let me put it in italics for you: I be’s a virgin. And you thought admitting being bladder shy was honest. A virgin at 21? Not cool at all. But that’s right, you heard me, my cherry is fully intact…although I’m not a chick, so I don’t really have a cherry, but you get my drift. So keep the source in mind as you read the rest of this, because it’s very very possible I have no idea what the hell I’m talking about.

That said, I don’t think being a virgin necessarily precludes me from having thoughts on sex (and I know people who seem to think it does). I mean, I’ve never fought a boxing match, but I know to keep my hands up if you know what I mean…that feels like it should have some sexual double meaning…I can’t think of one, but if you can you should enjoy it.

My first thought is about men being unable to perform, so to speak. Premature perhaps. Or just extremeeeeeely post-mature (like next-week-mature). Based upon sitcoms/movies/books it seems that as a culture the response to this is “Well, I guess that’s a night”. Now, I’ve never been in the circumstance, obviously, but frankly that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to me.

To put it in terms of a sports metaphor (because all things are better in sports metaphor): you don’t forfeit the game just because your Quarterback gets injured. You put the ball on the damn ground. Run it between the tackles 30 or 40 times. And are you going to win the game? No, but you’ll at least have played.

For those who didn’t follow the sports metaphor (and I understand that living in my head gets tricky), let me out it another way. Yes, your night is not going to end as you had hoped, but that doesn’t mean hers can’t. Your QB is not the only weapon at your disposal, if you get my drift.

Hopefully, there are other guys out there who feel the same way I do, and would get in there and perform the civic duties regardless of poor performance by the little guy. But it seems like society doesn’t think this way, and I don’t get why.

Okay, having said something that the ladies probably enjoyed (people who watched as much Tough Crowd as me might remember Nick Dipallo picking his teeth one night…that image sticks), now I’m going to go right ahead and piss them all off.

Because there’s a double standard out there. Let’s review the facts, shall we? If a man cannot…make it all the way to home plate so to speak, then that’s his fault. He couldn’t perform. If a woman cannot make that same trip…that’s also the man’s fault. He couldn’t get HER to climax. What the fuck?

I don’t want to misrepresent myself here, so let me allow for the fact that yes, sometimes it probably is his fault. Sometimes, the dude probably isn’t putting in the effort, or just doesn’t have the equipment necessary to do the job. But maybe sometimes you just have a little female ED. Once in a while, maybe your pistons just don’t fire properly. And that’s not our fault. So don’t jump to that conclusion.

And on the flip side, sometimes a dude’s stuff doesn’t fire properly (or at all as it were), and that isn’t your fault. And sometimes, maybe you weren’t on your A-game…yeah probably not. Let’s face it, a D-minus-game is pretty much good enough for most dudes. As long the game is played, really.

Totally unrelated comment for those who grew up near me: Watching one of those “High-speed chase” shows on Spike last night and saw a dude on Halsted and Grand River. Now admittedly, it was from like 1998, but it was still pretty badass watching him take off past shit I’ve driven past several thousand times, and go over the median on M-5.

Speaking of television shows based on the premise of watching unbelievable fucktwits (read that in a book the other day…like the sound of it) mess up their pathetic lives, does anybody remember Loveline with Dr. Drew and Adam Carolla? (You see the brilliant segue from the unrelated comment back to my original topic? Yeah that’s called literary genius.)

If you aren’t familiar with the show (used to be on MTV late nights) it was basically a call-in show where two guys (a sex therapist and half of the man-show) gave advice to people on various sexual issues. And generally it was all just fine. I remember one guy was worried he was a compulsive masturbator, and Drew assured him he wasn’t (although he did jerk off quite a little bit…speaking of which have I mentioned my favorite euphemism for female masturbation? Composing on the single-key piano? Not sure if I had or not).

Anyway, every so often they’d get a call that went a little outside their territory, for example, one lady called in to say she had found out a little boy down the street was basically molesting her 4 year old son, and what did Drew think she should do about that?

Now here’s what I find fascinating, here’s a parent who has encountered what must be called (by any definition) an unimaginably emotionally scarring situation where her son is being fondled by another small boy in a horribly inappropriate manner that might cause him damage FOREVER and she thinks to herself that the best solution is to CALL MTV.

My point is this, I’m constantly hearing older generations talk about how our generation treats sex too casually, and how younger and younger kids are becoming involved in sex, and how it’s all the entertainment industry’s fault. Well I have another theory. Maybe it’s because there are parents who believe the best source for sexual advice is the same guy who came up with girls jumping on trampolines. I watched that episode when I was about 12 or so, which means that little boy is probably 13 or so by now, and I bet he spends his Friday nights defecating on his classmates. (If you’d care to know, Drew actually sagely told the woman that she needed to go to serious sexual counselor for her child and the other one, because real help was needed…but still, the existence of this woman frightens me).

USA Today just put out a study about how people of our generation don’t consider oral sex to be sex (and there are so many great stand-up acts about this that I’m not really going to touch it…I recommend Lewis Black and Chris Rock, myself). And it had a ton of statistics, none of which I remember exactly, (although I recall that a higher percentage of girls had performed oral sex at ever age level than guys had received at each corresponding age level) and a lot of “What’s wrong with these kids…intimacy…blah blah blah!”

Here’s what bothered me though: the totally inequity in the distribution of oral sex amongst teenage boys. I mean, if little 15 year old girls are going to be out sucking dicks, they should be willing to suck whoever’s dick. Whomever’s dick. Cause frankly, if you’re going down on a guy, does it really matter who it is? I mean, I grant that if you’re fucking someone, you might have standards, but it’s not like some guys have peppermint-flavored semen. A dick is a dick is a dick. So what’s the big deal? Make some high school dork’s life complete…and uh, be safe. Cause, you know, STD’s are bad.

But in all seriousness, it is a little strange that so many members of our generation don’t consider oral sex to be sex. I especially enjoy my Christian friends who refrain from sex for religious reasons, but are okay with oral sex before marriage. Now, I’m not going to say they’re right or wrong about the morality of the thing, because I have no fucking idea if God really cares if you eat a little mexican food now and then.

But I am going to say this, I feel that’s a slightly loose interpretation of the scripture. Jesus said, “You have heard that it was said, ‘Thou shall not commit adultery’; but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” (Matthew 5:27-28). How precisely do you go from that to “Well you know, just so long as the innies and the outies don’t mix feel free to do what you like.” A strange reading of the text is all I’m saying.

Okay so there you go, sex: covered it. No problem. Perhaps admitted more about myself than I should have. Perhaps said a few things that are going to get me in trouble with the FBI. But I talked about it. Next time…I don’t know…Saddam’s trial? A chick on the Supreme Court with slightly less legal experience than Judge Judy? My theory that Google is the slowly forming a New World Order? Who knows.

(originally written October 21st)

Questions With No Answers

2005-12-19T17:42:00.000-08:00

In today’s post I’m going to break two of my cardinal rules for these things. 1st, I don’t think I’m going to be terribly funny, sorry, I’ll try to toss in a joke or two, but I’m not sure if it’ll happen. 2nd, I’m going to talk (briefly) about my day. A thousand apologies, but it’s necessary to the topic of my interest, and trust me it’s nothing gossipy or any nonsense like that.

Okay, so here’s what I did today in my Business Economics class: I (semi) proved to myself that given a n-sided polygon with all interior angles measuring less than 180 degrees, and line segments joining all vertices in the shortest distance possible, the total number of intersections of line segments will be n choose 4 (in other words n! divided by [4! times (n-4)!]).

Now, there are several questions you might be asking yourself right now. One of those might be WHAT THE FUCK IS HE TALKING ABOUT? assuming geometry is not your strongest subject. Rest assured that doesn’t matter. All you need to understand is that I spent over an hour focusing on a bizarrely specific math problem, with no applications I can see, for no particular reason. So the natural second question would be, why the hell did I do that?

And that’s a good question. I’m not totally sure I have the answer, but I thought about it a bit on the way home, and here are my thoughts.

I am not like other people.

I realize that probably doesn’t come as a huge shock to most of you. I’ve been called the “dorkiest/weirdest/most insane person I’ve ever met” a number of times, and things like this contribute to that. But allow me to elaborate on the thought.

I am of the feeling that most people (not all people, but most people) divide the questions that come up in life into two categories: questions the answers to which would be useful, and questions the answers to which would be of no real benefit. So to most of you, there are questions like “How can I make my roommates do a higher percentage of the chores than I?” and “What is the historical origin of chores?” The first category being ones you try to get answered, and the second being ones you don’t worry about very much.

Now that’s not to say that you aren’t interested in the answers to those second-category questions. Were a show to pop on about it, or a book to come out about it, you might look into it and find out the answer, but you aren’t really concerned if you don’t. Whereas the first category you might actively try to get answered, and be disappointed if you can’t.

I do not seem to divide questions into those categories. I divide them into questions I can easily answer and questions that do not have readily obtainable answers.

Let me temper that statement by saying that sometimes I do use the typical categories and sometimes I use that second standard, based on what are probably a complex set of circumstances that aren’t particularly interesting.

Here’s the crux of the matter though. Whereas other people usually only become interested in finding an answer to a question if they can see a benefit from it, I seem to become interested in answering questions mainly when I realize it would be hard to do so.

If a question pops up that I know I can easily look up in the library, I don’t usually bother to do so. I may if it’s obviously an answer that will come in handy somehow, but I’m not usually that interested in finding out (possibly because I know I can do it later). But if a question pops up that there isn’t the answer written down in some convenient location, I often become consumed by it.

This is interesting to me for a variety of reasons, most of which are not the point of my rambling here. Here’s the one that is: I think this is why I spend so much time thinking about God, death, love, and the “bigger” questions.

I don’t know just how much time other people spend thinking about these things, but I imagine it’s less than I do (for most people).

Most people seem to be content (in my eyes) to say “Well, I don’t really know if there’s a God or not, so I’ll either (a) make an assumption one way or the other and leave it at that or (b) accept that I will probably never know and stop thinking about it.”

And people seem content to a similar type of answer when it comes to the meaning of life, what love is, what happens when we die, and all those. Either they make a leap of faith, or they decide to live without that answer (and if it should pop up sometime, that’d be cool, but if not whatever, no big deal).

I’ve never really been able to accept either of those options. Instead I think and think and think about these things, usually making little if any progress. Sometimes I might read books I think will be helpful, but generally it’s just thinking on my own. And I continue this thinking in light of the fact that I can’t imagine ever coming to the answer (or a answer or something depending on your particular view of the nature of truth).

What makes it stranger still to me is that I don’t want these answers because I believe they will be of great benefit. It might be the case that they would. Maybe if I knew the nature of the existence of a higher being that would make the way I live my life dramatically different. But I don’t particularly expect that to be the case, although who knows maybe it would be.

The point here is that I’m pretty confident I don’t think about these things because I see some benefit from the answer, I think about these things because I can’t answer them.

Having spent all that time getting to that statement, the natural question would be so what? Who gives a damn why you sit around thinking about these things? Well, I guess no one really, but as usual, I’m not doing this for the groupies.

I’d like to be able to explain why I feel a need to deal with questions I don’t have answers to, but I can’t say. I’m pretty confident that this is what makes me different, on a day to day basis, than most other people, but I’m not in any way capable of saying why it should be that way.

Which makes for the latest question that I can’t answer and will thus consume my thoughts for the next week and a half: why do I see answering unanswerable questions as important?

I think you can make some sort of case for the pursuit of knowledge (it’s in the journey blah blah blah, striving for greatness, human achievement, blah blah blah) but frankly, I don’t think that’s what it is for me. Which is going to bug me now.

I realize this particular rambling is probably rather unfulfilling for any of you who have been waiting for one. I promise (and I’ll keep this one) that in the next week or two, I’m going to finally post some thoughts on sex, and rest assured, they will be considerably more humorous than my thoughts were today, or at least they will be intended to be.

But for today, this was on my mind, and this was what I wanted to talk about. If it prompted any thoughts or comments, I’d love to hear them. And if you’re just annoyed that this post didn’t have a particularly strong statement or much humor, well trust me, I’m more annoyed about it than you are.

(originally written October 11th)

Fucking Rain Forests

2005-12-19T17:41:00.000-08:00

As always, let me start off by apologizing for it being so long since the last post. No wait you know what, fuck that. I don’t owe any of you a post. What am I your typewriting monkey? Fuck that noise. I’ll post when I feel like it, and you can be damn grateful when I do.

Seriously though, I actually did write a post last week, but I wasn’t satisfied with it so I scrapped it. Now I realize that may seem ridiculous since I post these things on a website you can only find if you know me, so it really shouldn’t matter how shitty the posts are, but well…I have issues, and you’ll all just have to learn to live with that. And I know some of you are thinking “Wow, he didn’t think post X was bad? Because that was a rancid pile of meandering bullshit. I could have written a funnier more interesting post with my ball sack.” Well fuck you too. Oh, and I realize my grammar and spelling on these things is not, shall we say, of the highest ilk. That’s because I write them at midnight (generally) often when I should be doing homework instead, and I don’t have an editor or anything. So bite me on that one too. You want proper English, you can edit it yourself.

Quick pause: I hate John Madden. Just so you know. If you like John Madden, you’re probably a pedophile. And yes, I did steal calling people a pedophile for no good reason from Dane Cook.

Anyway, what I actually wanted to talk about was our current obsession with things being “all-natural.” I will never understand this. I’m of the philosophy that the whole point of civilization was to escape this whole “nature” thing.

If I wanted “all-natural” food I’d go eat things I found in a forest. But I don’t like dysentery. I do like chemical treatments that allow my food to not spoil, not give me diseases, and taste better. 6000 years of technology and science have allowed us to live 60 or so years longer than we used to. Shouldn’t we be embracing those things?

And you can argue that people didn’t use to get Cancer and all the other diseases we have, and that it’s chemicals that cause those. But you’d be wrong. The reason people didn’t used to get that shit is they DIED. They didn’t live long enough to get cancer. Plus you’d actually be totally wrong because people DID get cancer. Egyptian papri talks about lumps on breasts. Guess what, this shit’s been around a while.

My housemate bought “all-natural” water the other day. Now let me first point out how ridiculous that concept is in the first place. It’s water. What the fuck? Anyway, this water comes from 2.2 miles beneath the surface of the earth (and it’s that last two tenths of a mile that makes all the difference, water from just 2 miles below the crust? vile swill not fit for a dog), and is actually drilled out by…drills I guess. Anyway, this shit is totally natural, no chemical processes for it. Also, it has a warning label that says drinking more than a liter could FUCKING KILL YOU.

Okay, that’s an exaggeration, it doesn’t say fucking kill you. But it does say that it’s not healthy to drink too much of it and that pregnant women basically shouldn’t drink it at all. So that’s what natural water does…it kills babies. And that’s water, like the safest thing on earth. Imagine all natural mangoes. They’d probably rape your dog.

I like how I made raping your dog out to be worse than killing your unborn child. Because honestly, I think we all realize that, long-term, raping a family pet would cause way more emotional trauma.

We built shelter for a reason folks, we wanted to keep nature out. Nature is fucking dangerous. And that’s why I hate John Madden.

(originally written October 3rd)

10 Feet on the West Side

2005-12-19T17:40:00.000-08:00

Productive writing week. It helps that I haven’t read a single thing assigned to me for school. Or done any of my homework really. Anyway. We have one thing to talk about today. Sport.

Any of you live with a woman? Any of you live as a woman?

Women don’t get sports.

Let me rephrase, most women don’t get sports. Some women understand. Some women make that cross over, like any label you try to apply. There’s always a white guy who can dance.

But the women I live with, the women I know, those women? They don’t get it. Never have.

Okay let’s call a quick T, shall we? For those who are asking the obvious question: Why is Devin writing like that? Let me fill you in. I’m emulating my man Scoop. Scoop writes for ESPN.com and drops words like MJ drops reverse lay-ups. Like Tiger drops birdies. Like Lions receivers drop passes. So if you can’t follow this post, don’t fret. I’ll be back like my old self come next round.

And for those who are with me on Scoop, I know I’m pulling a backyard fantasy here. Like a little kid pretending to be DiMaggio, it just ain’t the same thing.

Okay, time in. Don’t misunderstand. I know female fans. My mom’s a fan. My roomate’s a fan. My friends’ are fans. But they’re not Fans.

So what’s the divide? What about Sports turns men and women into North and South Chicago?

I don’t know.

That’s right. I haven’t a clue. I’m fumbling in the dark. Looking like Zeke playing GM. Because I’m on one side. Through the looking glass. Trying to understand what I can’t understand.

How can you not be a Fan?

So all I can say is what I know. All I can preach is what I believe. The Gospel according to St. Gatorade: Sport is sport.

Sport is team. Sport is together. Sport is 5, 9, 11 players sharing a field. How many teachers, how many bosses, point to the Patriots when they want to embody TEAM. How many local high schools look to the Pistons to see what it means to Go to Work. Playing the Right Way, as LB would say. Playing as a team.

Team isn’t just working together. It’s Faith. It’s knowing I’ve got your back and you’ve got mine. It’s believing in each other. And finding the strength in each other to believe in yourselves.

And Sport is the curse of I. ME. Nobody but number 1. Kobe and Shaq? Makes you shake your head. Moss and Culpepper? What could have been.

But MJ and Scottie? Montana and Rice? What was. What is. What’s always going to be.

Sport is effort. Sport is all you have. On the field, when it counts. When it matters. How many kids look to the Fro. To Big Ben. To a man who couldn’t shoot enough to cut it. Wasn’t going to make it. But made it anyway. Built himself into the embodiment of effort. A shot-blocking, board-crashing, play-making machine. Sport is Every Night.

Lance riding 8 hours a day. MJ shooting his entire childhood. Peyton Manning watching film until dawn. Athletes playing hurt, playing battered, playing bruised and broken. Every Night.

And Sport is shortcuts. Steroids. Black Sox. BALCO. Shaved points. Boosters.

Sport is decisive. Sport is a winner. Sport is a loser. No questions. No uncertainty. One Trophy. One champion.

Life isn’t obvious. Life doesn’t tell you who won and lost. Life leaves you hanging. Life is subjective. But not sport. Sport is objectivity. USA wins. USSR loses. Lance wins. Everyone else loses. Red Sox win. Yankees lose.

And Sport is uncertainty. Sport is argument. Mays or Mantle? .406 or 56? Montana or Unitas? Gretzky or Gordie? The Tuck Rule? Figure skating judges. Asterisks on records. Make up calls. The steroid Era.

Sport is history. Sport is chasing ghosts. 60 home runs. 755 home runs. Batting 400. 56 straight. 100 points. 163 assists. 49-0. 18 majors. 511 wins. 7 tours.

And Sport is now. Sport is selling out. BCS. FedEx bowls. Boxers with Golden Palace tattoos. Ads. Hold-outs.

Sport is hope. Sport is the underdog. Pats down to St. Louis? Tom Brady’s here, the new Joe Cool. Down 4-1 coming into the bottom of the 9th? Don’t look now but Bobby Thompson has a bat. And a shot to be heard. The USSR can’t be beat? It’s a miracle.

Red Sox down 3-0? Let’s talk about that.

Let’s talk about fathers and sons. Let’s talk about people who can die happy. Relief. Hope. Hope that waited 80 years. Let’s talk about Fans. Fans. Who never stopped believing. And let’s talk about idiots. Idiots who didn’t know they were out of it.

And if you think that’s hope, how about New Orleans? How about the Saints shouldering the burden of America’s Team. The Hope of the people. A symbol that adversity is just adversity, and nothing can’t be done.

Let’s talk about cancer. Let’s talk about wondering if you’ll ever walk, much less ride. And let’s talk about 7 straight championships. A symbol. A leader. Wearing a yellow jersey, and a yellow bracelet to match.

How about Jim Abbott. No big records. Stats aren’t flashy. Just a run of the mill big league pitcher.

With one hand.

And Sport is disaster. Broken legs. Broken backs. Ruined careers. Ruined lives. Paralysis. Death.

Sport is Joy. Sport is Greatness. Sport is thousands of Fans, united as one. Sport is parents teaching kids how to bat. Sport is believing in next year, every year. Sport is student-athletes busting the books and the ball. Sport is men and women being everything they can be.

And Sport is Horror. Sport is Greed. Sport is players who care more about themselves than the game. Sport is little league coaches telling kids to throw inside. Sport is cheating. Sport is playing the wrong way. Sport is men and women being everything they shouldn’t be.

Sport is Life. Sport is Everything. Sport is Sport.

(originally written september 19th)

Wonderful World of Urine

2005-12-19T17:39:00.000-08:00

Okay, let's get it over with. There's a topic that frankly needs to be discussed in the ramblings, we all know you have to get it out of the way at one point or another, and I've been avoiding it until now. You can only talk about politics, sports, and religion for so long before you have to come back to the topic everyone's really interested in: pissing. It was really only a matter of time.

Alright, in reality that topic that I should probably be covering at one point or another is sex, but I'm not doing that just yet (little double entendre there...how the fuck do you spell entendre?). I had a prof once who said that the only things in life worth talking about are love, sex, God and death. Well, I've hit God, and plan on hitting it again later, and death was touched on with the war discussion. But frankly I'm reluctant to post a rambling on love and sex. Here's the thing. I've been trying to keep these as honest as I can. The problem with that is that they're posted on my facebook, and linked in my Aim profile too. So let's say I'm trying to get with this girl, and she notices this site, and reads it. Well if she reads my thoughts on religion, I'm not that worried. But if she finds out what I really think about love and sex, well there's the possibility she'll hate me. Because my views are not...well they aren't the most optimistic little things in the world. Plus I'm writing a whole fucking novel on love, so if you want a taste of that, email me for what I've got of the novel.

So anyway, that's what I'm not going to talk about in this post. Side note, my computer is doing this strange thing where the cursor randomly bounces around the page...kind of fucking irritating if you're someone who uses your computer mainly for word processing.

But yeah, pissing. Playing poker the other day, and had a little discussion with the guys about this, so I thought I'd share with all. Plus some other things.

First off, understand that I have a shy bladder (see, that's honesty right there. I just told anyone who cares to read this that I can't pee in front of other people...so that's fun). Some of you might prefer the term "stagefright" I don't, because that makes it sound like I have a problem, as opposed to shy bladder, which makes it sound like it's his fault.

Anyway, what they say you should do for shy bladder is multiplication problems. Supposedly the part of your brain that controls peeing also controls certain math functions or something...which is why so many of us piss ourselves in math class...wait...no no we don't. I guess it probably just takes your mind of the tinkle, which allows you to perform. This sucks for me, because problems like 6 x 13 don't really require any concentration for me. So I have to stand at urinals doing 34 x 62 to have any shot in hell at distracting me, and then I feel silly because of the fact that I'm multiplying in a bathroom...which should be a band. Multiplying in the Bathroom.

If you're like me and you tried to do the problem it's 2108...and seriously seek help, maybe there's a chance for you.

Despite my shy bladder though, I think pissing has to be one of life's finest joys. And not simply because the actual feeling of release is pleasurable. But because of the certainty of it. Cause things in this life come and go. And who knows what will you'll do tomorrow and what you may or may not have...but you know you're going to piss dammit. Everyday, until you die. And there's comfort in that.

It's all about setting the bar low folks, if pissing makes you happy, life's a little easier.

Today I found my new favorite euphemism for female masturbation: Composing on the single-key piano. Just paints such an image doesn't it?

Okay that was a little about sex, but I wanted to share. As for pissing (and doesn't alternating between sex and pissing just make for a nice thought combo in your head?), does anyone else agree that it's really fucking stupid that the acceptable practice is to but the toilet seat down?

This is proof that women rule the world. Think about it. If we were to change, and say people should leave the seat UP after doing whatever, the only conceivable problem that would occur would be people going to sit and falling in. Two points. First, this is a democratic problem, because men and women both sit down from time to time. Secondly, if you're paying so little attention that you put your ass in toilet water, than you deserve it. Plain and simple. And I'm not saying it could never happen to me, I'm just saying that if it did, I'd have to say "Yeah, yeah, I'm a dumbass, I should probably look at where I put my bare ass before I put it there." And then I'd wipe myself off and complete the shit I was apparently going to take.

But under the current rule, we have a much less democratic, much more common problem: men piss on the seat. We've all done it from time to time. Either you didn't really think about it or you just didn't give a damn or you thought you could aim well enough that it wouldn't matter or you're really pissed off at the females in the house or whatever, we've all pissed on a seat or two. And that's no good for no one. Because (a) there's urine on the seat [I don't think this needs further explanation] and (b) if women notice, we get yelled at.

So under our current system we have disharmony in the household and piss all over our toilet seats. Under the Seat UP system, we'd just have the occasional daft twit with a damp ass. Which should also be a band. Daft Twits with Damp Asses. DTDA or maybe DTw/DA. Yeah, I like that for the shirts. DTw/DA.

And that's a good example of why you shouldn't write things at 1 AM.
(originally written September 16th)

Idiot Fans

2005-12-19T17:37:00.000-08:00

Okay first of all, I realize this is a long time coming, sorry about that. Between actually having to do work at work, moving in and out of houses, canoe trips, school starting, and my laptop deciding to crash multiple times, it's been hard to get writing. Anyway, sorry about that.

So anything been in the news since last time? See, that's a funny little joke about Hurricane Katrina completely dominating the news scene this last week or so. I feel like I should at least acknowledge the tragedy, but I don't plan on talking about it much, since what the hell do I really have to say about it? I mean, I imagine that sucks. People helping is good. Heart warming stories. It's all kind of been said.

So what I've decided to talk about instead, is something totally and completely irrelevant. Michigan Football. For those who didn't see this Saturday, Michigan lost to Notre Dame, in a game that frankly crushed my spirit completely. Anyway, there are two thoughts that arose from this game.

(1) I've never been that embarrassed to be a student at the University of Michigan. For those who didn't see, our student section, which I've always hated for their lack of football knowledge, quickness to turn on the team, and general frat boy/sorostitute view on football as just a social event (sorostitute has a red squiggly under it, and I was trying to figure out how I'd misspelled it when I realized it wasn't actually a word...smart one). Where was I? Oh yeah, the idiot fucking student section at U of M decided to rain various litter onto the field after a few calls went against us. Three things: (1) I hate when fans complain about calls that are the right calls just because they go against your team. Shut the fuck up, learn the rules, and don't get pissed at the refs for DOING THERE FUCKING JOBS. It's just like idiot college students who get pissed at cops for handing out MIPs. That's the law shithead. If you don't want MIPs you shouldn't break the law, or you should try and get away with it. I drink, but I drink with the understanding that if I get caught, that's my bad. Similarly I don't get angry at cops for pulling me over if I speed. That's the law, it's there jobs. But I digress. (2) You should never bitch about calls being why your team lost. If a call decides the game against you, then you shouldn't have put yourself in a position to lose because of a call. No one to blame but yourself. (3) Wow was that about the most immature fucking stupid ass thing I've ever had to feel like I was a part of. Christ. In this city of all cities, you'd think we'd know that throwing shit onto the field of play is a BAD IDEA. Any of these people watching a little under a year ago when that almost caused a fucking riot in the Palace? Dipshits.

(2) The Daily ran it's first "Fire Lloyd Carr" letter yesterday, which I can't stand. Yeah, I disagree with some of Lloyd Carr's decisions, but I understand that it's pretty hard to coach a division I NCAA football team. All these dipshits are always calling for Lloyd's head, thinking they know how to run the team better from their extensive experience coaching their Madden teams on the Playstation. Shut the fuck up. The man has won 5 Big Ten championships in 10 years, plus a national championship. Maybe he has some idea what he's doing? These are the exact same people who bitch about every mistake any player makes. Fumbles, interceptions, missed tackles, whatever. A quick message to armchair quarterbacks everywhere: PLAYING FOOTBALL IS HARD, YOU CANNOT DO IT. STOP THINKING YOU CAN. Cut these guys some slack. If I followed you around at your job, I bet I'd find out you fucked up a lot too, and your job is probably a whole lot easier. So shut the hell up.

Anyway, long story short, I hate the Student Section. Plus the wave sucks.
(originally written September 12th)

Jesus...cool guy

2005-12-19T17:35:00.000-08:00

So with the exception of knocking people who want to discuss intelligent design in schools, I haven’t really talked much about religion, which is interesting since it’s one of my biggest interests. I don’t mean like I really enjoy going to church and praying and stuff, but I enjoy studying the various religions, and it’s a subject that I think about a lot. Of course there’s an obvious reason I haven’t posted something on religion yet: talking about religion with one’s friends is frowned upon, and I assume everyone who reads this is a friend of mine (if not, you should like introduce yourself or something and tell me what a fucking moron I am, I enjoy that). Which, when you come right down to it is kind of silly, because the reason you aren’t supposed to talk about it is because people actually CARE about religion, and God forbid friends discuss things they have deeply held beliefs about. All of society would collapse were we to say what we actually think about things.

Still in the interest of not making all my friends hate me, let me say that I’m not going to knock religion, because I’m not about that. That is not the way that I roll. While certain religious beliefs may seem illogical or even absurd to me, I realize they are no more absurd than a belief that democracy actually works, and I hold that one dearly, so there you go. I think when we come right down to it, we can all agree, no matter what faith or lack thereof we may call our own, upon one immutable and obvious truth: Scientology is fucking stupid.

Which leads me to my first comment, why is it okay to mock certain religions? I know why it’s okay to mock Scientology, because rich and famous people are members of it, and we all hate the rich and famous. Also it’s a cult. And (as I understand it) the movie Battlefield Earth has something to do with their religion, and that’s one of the worst movies of all time. You don’t see any religions based on Swimming Pool, but if you did I’d rip on them too.

But we also seem to feel it’s okay to make fun of Mormonism, which is the one I find interesting. It’s easy to mock some Eastern religion, because it’s far away, or Scientology because Tom Cruise is psychotic now, but how did the Mormons get singled out as the group it’s okay to ridicule? If a TV show made a joke about Presbyterians that wouldn’t be okay, but feel free to make all the Joe Smith jokes you like. I suppose it’s because it’s Christianity, but it still seems so foreign. What with the new bible they have about the Indians (Native Americans? I don’t know what’s proper in this context…Pagans, I suppose) (I was at a sleepover where we read once from the Book of Mormon…which is frankly weird regardless of what religious text you’re reading from “Okay kids, video game time is over, now let’s read from the Baghvada Gita” Strange is all I’m saying). Plus the whole bigamy thing and the lack of caffeine, and it’s just strange enough that it seems like it should be a totally separate religion, except they have that Jesus dude walking around the whole time.

In the vein of people discussing religion in strange places, I had the single most surreal experience of my life the other day. While taking a shit in the Union (not like in the lobby, I was in the bathroom), a couple construction guys came into the bathroom, discussing the Exodus. Now in general, I am opposed to bathroom discussions, but even when they occur they tend to be fairly “You see that thing?” “Ugh, yeah that thing… jeez” type of conversations. Meanwhile these guys were going on and on about the symbolism of the manna (one n? spellcheck says two…and spellcheck says spellcheck isn’t a word…bit of an identity crisis I feel…he thinks he has a hyphen or is separated…interesting…a lot of ellipses in this sentence). And the fact that I knew they were construction guys (there’s a site right next to the union, and it’s not like this takes Sherlock Holmes) just made it all the stranger. Then they got the Sabbath day wrong.

I find this strange as well. Why did the Christians change the Sabbath day? In the New Testament it has it correctly. Jesus gets crucified on Friday, the next day everyone goes home and does whatever it is Jews do on the Sabbath (answer: not much) and then on Sunday he rises. When the hell did we move church to Sundays? Is it because Jesus rose on a Sunday and we figured if we did church on Saturdays then come Easter we’d have to go twice in one weekend? Was it a Roman thing just to be pissy? Did we not want to compete in the Jewish time-slot? Better ad time on Sundays? I don’t understand.

I’ll end this particular post (although I think there’s a decent chance I will be posting on religion again, rather soon) with some interesting things that can be found in the Bible that you might not know were in there (I’m using the New American Standard Bible, so these should be fairly representative of most versions…and certainly nothing that should be taken as crackpot or highly unorthodox).

(1) There is reason to believe that Judaism began as a polytheistic religion, where the LORD was the highest of a number of gods. A number of the Psalms make reference to this:

Psalm 82: I said, "You are gods,/And all of you are sons of the Most High./Nevertheless you will die like men/And fall like any one of the princes”
Psalm 58: Do you indeed speak righteousness, O gods?
Psalm 86: There is no one like You among the gods, O Lord,/Nor are there any works like Yours
Psalm 95: For the LORD is a great God/And a great King above all gods

You can cast it aside as a metaphorical way of speaking but the term “gods” shows up surprising number of times in the bible.

(2) Jesus had family.

Matthew 12:46 (because you’ll want to read it yourself):
While Jesus was still talking to the crowd, his mother and brothers stood outside, wanting to speak to him.

But it’s okay, there was no hanky-panky before Jesus. From Matthew 1:24-25
When Joseph woke up, he did what the angel of the Lord had commanded him and took Mary home as his wife. But he had no union with her until she gave birth to a son. And he gave him the name Jesus

Although afterwards there seems to have been quite a bit. From Matthew 13: 55-56
Isn't this the carpenter's son? Isn't his mother's name Mary, and aren't his brothers James, Joseph, Simon and Judas? Aren't all his sisters with us?

I’ll put in more next time I post on religion, because there’s some neat stuff in there, that most people just glaze right over.

(originally written August 16th)

Chewbacca, what a wookie, among other things

2005-12-19T17:32:00.000-08:00

Fun fact o’ the day my friends: A new study suggests that as many as 1 out of every 25 fathers might be unknowingly raising a child who is not their own.

I like this idea because I have 25 people I’d call close friends, and that means one of them might not actually be their dad’s kid. In all seriousness though, these stats are probably inflated, while paternal discrepancy (yes they have a name for it other than “your mother is a whore”) surely occurs, I find it hard to believe that 4% of the country is unwittingly bathing another man’s child (at least I hope so or we’re a bunch of pedophiles). In fact the article I read admitted that in studies done between 1950 and now the estimates have ranged from less than one percent to 30%. Which is a slight margin of error. Statistically speaking that means the correct answer might actually be in the negatives (it could happen…if not only were there no fathers unwittingly raising another man’s child, but the supposed bastards of the world were actually being raised by the correct men).

Anyway, I’ve been writing about politics a lot recently, so I figured I’d just blather about inanity for a little while, so here are some of the things I’ve been thinking about recently.

I’d first like to share my belief that John Cusack is the solution to all heartbreak. By which I don’t mean like having John Cusack over for tea, although that would be pretty kickass. I mean JC’s movies (and yes I’m going to go right ahead and call him JC, because John and I are tight like that). Anyway, you start off with one of two options: Pushing Tin if you’re in full out losing your mind complete breakdown as a human being and Grosse Point Blank if you’re just kind of upset and a little in the woods. Then you transition to High Fidelity to alleviate the whole “never-ending string of crappy relationships” trauma, plus you got Jack Black to cheer you up there. Finally you close with Say Anything, simply the sweetest most hopeful romantic movie ever. If Lloyd Dobbler can’t renew your faith either in yourself (if you’re a dude) or in men (if you’re a chick) then you are simply fucked.

And maybe watch Con Air afterwards, just cause that’s a great flick.

Okay, also I’d like to explain to those who might be unaware that Chewbacca is an elf. I know that sounds like a weird thing to say, but bear with me on this. You first have to understand that Star Wars is fantasy, not sci-fi. Think about it, sci-fi involves using science to examine society and the human race and the greater questions in life. Fantasy is about magic and beasts and colossal battles between good and evil. Star Wars is clearly the second of those options. Given then that SW is a fantasy story, it should be obvious that Chewbacca is an elf. He’s lanky, comes from a forest planet, uses a bow as his weapon…that’s an elf. I am convinced that if you shaved Chewie down he’d look exactly like Legolas.

Speaking of Legolas, why can he walk on snow in the first Lord of the Rings movie? Is this explained in the books? Are elves hollow? I get that he’s supposed to be all “one-with-the environment” but that doesn’t mean the laws of physics don’t apply to him.

In the solitary sports reference I will allow myself this post (I’m desperately trying not to let myself turn this into a summary of the Sports Guy page), Todd Bertuzzi was reinstated earlier this week. No joke here: Not only should Bertuzzi never play in the NHL again, he should be in jail right now. He assaulted a guy, plain and simple.

Okay one more sports story, a kid jumped off the upper deck at Yankee stadium into the net behind home plate…Right about now, I bet his father’s hoping there was a case of paternal discrepancy.

(originally written August 11th)

The Religious Right

2005-12-19T17:30:00.000-08:00

Alright let me start with an apology for the length of time since my last post. Apparently my bosses decided that my doing no work whatsoever and getting paid for it was a little silly. So I spent the last two weeks stuffing mountains of envelopes, FUN!

Anyway (3 of 4 my four sentences have started with A so far…yeah wanted to let you know…in case you were doing a study on that sort of thing…but forgot to be counting for it…because you’re stupid….stupidhead) I’ve been ragging on liberals a lot, so it’s about time I knocked conservatives around for a bit.

So Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist took a stand a few days ago by differing with President Bush over stem cell research and it’s about damn time a vocal member of the Republican party whose name doesn’t rhyme with a fictional movie character from the Simpsons based on the current governor of California stood up for the members of the party who’d prefer it not be turned over to the right-wing wackjobs. Go ahead, TRY and diagram that sentence…I dare you.

I have the misfortune of growing old enough to vote just as my party was ripped out of my hands by a collection of people who still think we should be debating if the Earth is the center of the universe. Where’s my Reagan Revolution dammit? What happened to a belief in small government and laissez-faire attitudes towards not just economics, but everything? When did the Republican Party turn into Army of Christ?

But thankfully there is a new hope, with Senator Frist taking a stand that not using embryos for research is just plain fucking stupid. How anyone can disagree with this stand is mind-boggling to me. How can you think using these soon to be discarded embryos to further research into God knows how many diseases is disrespecting life? “Oh you’re going to make multiple embryos and then just throw out the ones you don’t need? No biggie…but no taking cells from them on their way to the garbage can…that’s just unnecessary.”

The evil empire struck back, though, when Bush came out supporting the teaching of Intelligent Design in our school systems. Now thank heavens he made the qualification that local government, and not Washington, should set school curriculum (where was this clear thinking during No Child Left Behind?), but still Intelligent Design? You’re kidding me right? Don’t get me wrong, Intelligent Design might very well be the case, but what precisely are you going to TEACH? “And maybe there’s a dude in the sky guiding our development along…Yes Johnny?...Well no we don’t have any evidence for that…because you can’t really prove it…Well I guess it does seem like kind of silly to have a theory you can’t prove…Well you’ll just have to deal with that Johnny…Johnny, please put your pants back on.” Because sometimes when little kids get confused they take their pants off…I don’t know why.

And then a jedi came back...but yeah, here’s my problem with Intelligent Design. The argument is the universe is so well-designed (Please, please, control your snickers) that something intelligent must have created it since all complicated things arise from intelligent design, namely ours (i.e. cars, watches, computers). Here’s the problem, any counterexample to be given (something complex not created by the human mind) falls under the purview of the theory. Trees are complex, but that’s cause of intelligent design. So are lions, but that’s intelligent design. Stars are complex in their own way…intelligent design. It’s a self-fulfilling theory. And that’s why you can’t really teach it.

Now if you want to highlight that evolution is not PROVEN beyond a shadow of a doubt, feel free, but then do it for everything else too (gravity, time, triangles having 180 degrees, and everything else, because nothing is totally provable…not even the triangle thing, trust me it bummed me out too)

In related news, South Korea cloned a dog, and none-too-soon. Because when I think of the problems in the world, what usually comes to mind is “not enough dogs”. Seriously though, it’s for research into diseases or something, and that’s always good by me. I’m waiting for the right-wing knee-jerk “playing God” bullshit to start soon though. I like how people think cloning is going to cause us to churn out animals/people by the millions. It’s not like Star Trek just yet folks, the clone still has to be put in a womb and be born. Anyway, I’m trying to think of a clever sign involving cloning be sacrilege and Lassie, but I’m not coming up with anything.

Maybe a Dog/goD palindrome play on something…

So long story short, the 2008 Republican nominee for president better support stem cell research, oppose turning our schools over to the Vatican, and not give a goddamn about gay marriage or I might have to vote libertarian. Help me John McCain, you’re my only hope…

(originally written August 4th)

Ann Arbor Art Fair and the Iraqi War

2005-12-19T17:29:00.000-08:00

It’s here folks…the Ann Arbor Art Fair, and it comes to make my life a living hell.

Seriously, the person who decided that shutting down an entire city so that people can talk themselves into spending 140 bucks on a sculpture of a stapler made entirely out of staples should be shot in the face. This has to be, hands-down, the most miserable thing about living in Ann Arbor.

A quick review of why the art fair sucks.

1. You cannot get anywhere: The streets are all closed, so making it to any destination by car requires a sectant and sherpa guides, and inevitably sherpa guides get entranced by some crazy sculpture they think looks like Raguguanda the Hindi God of Small Birds (it’s real, look it up) and so they jump out of the car, and get injured and then you have to drive them to the hospital but they don’t have any health coverage, so now you’re forking over cash, and the stupid sherpas keep praying to the damn sculpture that they made you spend 260 dollars on before they’d let you take them to the hospital, and it doesn’t even look like Raguguanda, I mean the colors all wrong. I mean, how many times has that happened to you? Right, none, and that’s why the art fair sucks…no sherpa guides.

2. If you can get someplace, it’s too damn busy: Every restaurant in the city starts looking like New Delhi in the afternoon…except without sherpas. It’s 20 minutes to get a table and another six hours for food. Plus the stores are all running out of basic commodities, and there’s no parking on any of the streets.

3. Hippies. God how I hate hippies. And while usually a vocal minority on campus, during the art fair they come out in droves. Smelling bad, and insisting that you take their pamphlets on ending the devastation to the rain forest, hippies are the bane of my existence.

Speaking of hippies, they’ve put up an exhibit right in the middle of campus, made entirely of shoes, one pair to commemorate each civilian/soldier who has died in the Iraqi war. This is to draw attention to the fact that the war has caused a lot of death. Which I for one, was totally unaware of. Thank God for that exhibit, because I was 100% behind the war, but I just assumed we were using paintball guns.

Are a lot of people out their unaware that WAR = DEATH? Is that not commonly known? Look, I realize that part of it is to honor the memories of those lost, and I appreciate that thought, but a lot of seems like more ridiculous liberal whining. If you’re against the war attack the reasons we went to war, don’t just point out that a lot of people died, of course a lot of people have died, it’s a freaking war. A lot of people died in WWII, but it was probably worth it.

I don’t know exactly where I come down on this war, but I know that sometimes hard decisions have to be made. Some things are worth dying for and some things are worth killing for. Was the liberation of Iraq and the elimination of Saddam one of them? I’m not sure. Although what bothers me most about this war has always been that Bush didn’t just stand on top of a table at the UN from the get go and say “Look, if you care so much about World Peace and freedom from tyranny than you better get in line to go whup Saddam’s ass. He’s a psychotic dictator who has killed thousands, jailed thousands more, oppressed his people, abused their rights, and has used chemical weapons in the past. We’re going to go blow his ass back to the stone age, and I don’t really need a better reason than him being a really really bad guy.” I’d have stood up and applauded, and maybe even enlisted after a speech like that, but no, we danced around and came up with a lot of bullshit, and then went in with crappy reasons.

Here’s my problem with liberals’ ideas on foreign policy. My liberal friends all complain about how the horrific conditions around the world, about the starvation, and poverty, and oppression, and disease, and that we need to start doing something about it. Which I couldn’t agree with more. But guess what? You can’t fix the world with good intentions. In fact most of those problems stem from corrupt dictatorial governments or ethnic civil wars. And you can’t solve those two things with food, or money, or all the volunteer services in the world. Sometimes an army is the only thing that solves the problem. But any time anyone suggests using military force, liberals go off the deep end over “policing the world”.

I’m not saying we should start using the army to solve every problem abroad, and I’m not saying it’s ever a particularly good solution, but sometimes it is the only solution. Anyone who says violence never solved anything doesn’t study much history.

So…how about that art fair huh? At what age to men decide to just start wearing black socks all the time? Was that normal in the 50s or something?

(originally written July 20th)

Harry Potter, Michelle Wie, Nasa and hot dogs

2005-12-19T17:27:00.000-08:00

Friday morning and I’m bored out of my mind at work, so I thought I’d toss up an update on a few random notes. I should put in my two cents on the Supreme Court nomination process but (A) I don’t know anything about the candidates and (B) I don’t want to turn this into a political site right off the bat. So instead, I’ll talk about anything else I found in the news.

Harry Potter launches in about 15 hours, and I know I personally am on the verge of climax over it. HP 6 (as the cool kids say) is probably the most hotly anticipated sequel since the New Testament. I don’t actually read the books, but I’m really looking forward to this one coming out, because that means I only have to hear about it for another week or so. You know what I don’t like about Harry Potter? The font’s all large, which inflates the size of the books. I was really impressed when kids were reading 500 page books, but then I found out they’re not that big at all if you made them a normal font size. Very upsetting. Anyway. the third movie was on the other day, and the question came up if it’s okay to look at Hermione and appreciate that she will be hot one day. I’m a big yes on this. It’s one thing to look at an underage girl and say she IS hot, it’s another to say she WILL be hot, and the second is just fine. Plus she’s in that catholic school girl outfit sometimes, and when the sixth or seventh movie comes out it’s going to be like softcore porn (Hairy Potter and the Cock-Hungry Sluts…I’m excited).

Speaking of hot underage girls, Michelle Wie is currently in the quarterfinals of the US Public Links Amateur Championship. While I have no idea what that is, I think it’s pretty impressive. She’s 4 holes down through 7, so this is probably it for her run, but I’m still impressed. Forget about her being a girl (which makes it impressive enough), focus on the fact that she’s FIFTEEN. When I was fifteen there was only one kind of stroke I was concerned about. She can’t drive. She’s probably never taken an AP course. She can’t even rent a golf cart. And she’s three match play victories (albeit unlikely ones) away from an invitation to the Masters. Imagine what she’s going to do when she’s 18…or 21…or 25. I don’t care if you like golf or not, this girl is going to be one of the most fascinating sports stories to watch for the next decade or so.

NASA planned on launching a shuttle for the first time in 2 years yesterday, with hope of reviving confidence in NASA…and then the canceled it. Yeah. Sort of makes you proud all over doesn’t it? Anyway…we need to get this space travel show on the road, because if I die before we colonize another planet/moon/any old rock in space, I’m going to be mighty pissed off. 60 years of science-fiction has raised the bar here guys, let’s get a move on.

Finally I walked by a hot dog vendor who was selling Best’s Kosher Dogs today at lunch. The Best’s motto bothered me: “The Difference is in the Taste.” Where the hell else would the difference be? It’s a hot dog. Taste is pretty much the entire focus. It would be very strange if your motto was “Best’s Kosher Dogs, the Difference is in how the Sound When Thrown Against Moving Trucks…seriously, throw one…go ahead, give it a try…see they play the 1812 Overture, weren’t expecting that were you? Yeah it’s pretty much the latest in hot dog biotechnology”, especially since that wouldn’t fit on the guy’s hot dog cart.

(originally written July 15th)

Inept Democrats

2005-12-19T17:25:00.000-08:00

If the Democrats nominate Hillary in 2008, I think we should officially declare the party dead and bring back the Bullmooses (Hell yeah Teddy Roosevelt, and we could have neat hats and a mascot and everything). Not that I hate Hillary, I like her just fine, but she WON’T WIN. I want the Dems to do one of two things, (1) officially give up on ever winning another important election and just nominate someone who really stands for what the party believes in (if anyone knows what the Democrats believe in, I’m sure they’d love to hear it) or (2) nominate someone who stands a snowball’s chance in hell.

Here’s why Hillary cannot win: she has no dick. Balls she has, but no dick (insert obligatory Bill joke here). But maybe I’m wrong about that, maybe that right-wing majority that’s been doing the voting would elect a woman. Maybe they’d set aside their anti-choice, pro-war throwback to the 50s mentality and elect someone most of them would probably rather see in the kitchen. Maybe a woman could win, after all 52 percent of the country is female. We’ll ignore the fact that women all hate each other, so none of them will vote for Hillary. Maybe she could win. Here’s why she won’t.

Of the last 5 men elected president, 4 were governors before their nomination (the fifth, Bush I, was VP and head of the CIA before that). The last 4 Senators nominated for the presidency have all gotten their asses kicked (McGovern, Mondale, Dole, and Kerry). People do not like Senators. In fact the last guy to get elected out of the senate was JFK, and that’s just because he was adorable.

Of the last 5 men elected president, 4 were from the south (the fifth, Reagan, was from California, maybe SoCal, I don’t know). Now I realize Hillary was the First Lady of Arkansas (that’s a title she must be very proud of), but right now she’s a New Yorker, and you know she’ll play that up in the campaign for the terrorist angle. While Northerners don’t mind voting for Southerners, Southerners hate Yankees. I suppose it comes from having their ass kicked in the Civil War. The last 4 Northerners to run (Ford, Mondale, Dukakis and Kerry again) all got destroyed by people from farther south.

In fact, all this raises a good question: WHY THE HELL DID THEY NOMINATE KERRY? Seriously, I still cannot wrap my mind around this. They nominated a Senator from Massachusetts? Did they not see the Liberal Washington Insider card getting played? Was that a big surprise? Didn’t Al Sharpton stand a better chance of winning than John Kerry?

But 4 years later, I dread they’ll make the same mistake again, only this time with a female liberal Senator from New York. I mean, the Democratic Party does have political strategists working for it right? They can see what will happen can’t they? Let me say this as plainly as I can:

NOMINATE A SOUTHERN GOVERNOR. I don’t care who he is, but I know there are a few democrats running states down there, nominate one of them. It really doesn’t matter who he is, just so long as his IQ is above 85 and he can keep his dick in his pants and he wasn’t once a B-movie actor. Wait…no it really doesn’t matter who he is. If he was the Governor of Alabama, this country would elect Charles Manson. Although he might be a republican come to think of it.

(originally written July 13th)
Politics