Wonderful World of Urine
Okay, let's get it over with. There's a topic that frankly needs to be discussed in the ramblings, we all know you have to get it out of the way at one point or another, and I've been avoiding it until now. You can only talk about politics, sports, and religion for so long before you have to come back to the topic everyone's really interested in: pissing. It was really only a matter of time.
Alright, in reality that topic that I should probably be covering at one point or another is sex, but I'm not doing that just yet (little double entendre there...how the fuck do you spell entendre?). I had a prof once who said that the only things in life worth talking about are love, sex, God and death. Well, I've hit God, and plan on hitting it again later, and death was touched on with the war discussion. But frankly I'm reluctant to post a rambling on love and sex. Here's the thing. I've been trying to keep these as honest as I can. The problem with that is that they're posted on my facebook, and linked in my Aim profile too. So let's say I'm trying to get with this girl, and she notices this site, and reads it. Well if she reads my thoughts on religion, I'm not that worried. But if she finds out what I really think about love and sex, well there's the possibility she'll hate me. Because my views are not...well they aren't the most optimistic little things in the world. Plus I'm writing a whole fucking novel on love, so if you want a taste of that, email me for what I've got of the novel.
So anyway, that's what I'm not going to talk about in this post. Side note, my computer is doing this strange thing where the cursor randomly bounces around the page...kind of fucking irritating if you're someone who uses your computer mainly for word processing.
But yeah, pissing. Playing poker the other day, and had a little discussion with the guys about this, so I thought I'd share with all. Plus some other things.
First off, understand that I have a shy bladder (see, that's honesty right there. I just told anyone who cares to read this that I can't pee in front of other people...so that's fun). Some of you might prefer the term "stagefright" I don't, because that makes it sound like I have a problem, as opposed to shy bladder, which makes it sound like it's his fault.
Anyway, what they say you should do for shy bladder is multiplication problems. Supposedly the part of your brain that controls peeing also controls certain math functions or something...which is why so many of us piss ourselves in math class...wait...no no we don't. I guess it probably just takes your mind of the tinkle, which allows you to perform. This sucks for me, because problems like 6 x 13 don't really require any concentration for me. So I have to stand at urinals doing 34 x 62 to have any shot in hell at distracting me, and then I feel silly because of the fact that I'm multiplying in a bathroom...which should be a band. Multiplying in the Bathroom.
If you're like me and you tried to do the problem it's 2108...and seriously seek help, maybe there's a chance for you.
Despite my shy bladder though, I think pissing has to be one of life's finest joys. And not simply because the actual feeling of release is pleasurable. But because of the certainty of it. Cause things in this life come and go. And who knows what will you'll do tomorrow and what you may or may not have...but you know you're going to piss dammit. Everyday, until you die. And there's comfort in that.
It's all about setting the bar low folks, if pissing makes you happy, life's a little easier.
Today I found my new favorite euphemism for female masturbation: Composing on the single-key piano. Just paints such an image doesn't it?
Okay that was a little about sex, but I wanted to share. As for pissing (and doesn't alternating between sex and pissing just make for a nice thought combo in your head?), does anyone else agree that it's really fucking stupid that the acceptable practice is to but the toilet seat down?
This is proof that women rule the world. Think about it. If we were to change, and say people should leave the seat UP after doing whatever, the only conceivable problem that would occur would be people going to sit and falling in. Two points. First, this is a democratic problem, because men and women both sit down from time to time. Secondly, if you're paying so little attention that you put your ass in toilet water, than you deserve it. Plain and simple. And I'm not saying it could never happen to me, I'm just saying that if it did, I'd have to say "Yeah, yeah, I'm a dumbass, I should probably look at where I put my bare ass before I put it there." And then I'd wipe myself off and complete the shit I was apparently going to take.
But under the current rule, we have a much less democratic, much more common problem: men piss on the seat. We've all done it from time to time. Either you didn't really think about it or you just didn't give a damn or you thought you could aim well enough that it wouldn't matter or you're really pissed off at the females in the house or whatever, we've all pissed on a seat or two. And that's no good for no one. Because (a) there's urine on the seat [I don't think this needs further explanation] and (b) if women notice, we get yelled at.
So under our current system we have disharmony in the household and piss all over our toilet seats. Under the Seat UP system, we'd just have the occasional daft twit with a damp ass. Which should also be a band. Daft Twits with Damp Asses. DTDA or maybe DTw/DA. Yeah, I like that for the shirts. DTw/DA.
And that's a good example of why you shouldn't write things at 1 AM.
(originally written September 16th)
Alright, in reality that topic that I should probably be covering at one point or another is sex, but I'm not doing that just yet (little double entendre there...how the fuck do you spell entendre?). I had a prof once who said that the only things in life worth talking about are love, sex, God and death. Well, I've hit God, and plan on hitting it again later, and death was touched on with the war discussion. But frankly I'm reluctant to post a rambling on love and sex. Here's the thing. I've been trying to keep these as honest as I can. The problem with that is that they're posted on my facebook, and linked in my Aim profile too. So let's say I'm trying to get with this girl, and she notices this site, and reads it. Well if she reads my thoughts on religion, I'm not that worried. But if she finds out what I really think about love and sex, well there's the possibility she'll hate me. Because my views are not...well they aren't the most optimistic little things in the world. Plus I'm writing a whole fucking novel on love, so if you want a taste of that, email me for what I've got of the novel.
So anyway, that's what I'm not going to talk about in this post. Side note, my computer is doing this strange thing where the cursor randomly bounces around the page...kind of fucking irritating if you're someone who uses your computer mainly for word processing.
But yeah, pissing. Playing poker the other day, and had a little discussion with the guys about this, so I thought I'd share with all. Plus some other things.
First off, understand that I have a shy bladder (see, that's honesty right there. I just told anyone who cares to read this that I can't pee in front of other people...so that's fun). Some of you might prefer the term "stagefright" I don't, because that makes it sound like I have a problem, as opposed to shy bladder, which makes it sound like it's his fault.
Anyway, what they say you should do for shy bladder is multiplication problems. Supposedly the part of your brain that controls peeing also controls certain math functions or something...which is why so many of us piss ourselves in math class...wait...no no we don't. I guess it probably just takes your mind of the tinkle, which allows you to perform. This sucks for me, because problems like 6 x 13 don't really require any concentration for me. So I have to stand at urinals doing 34 x 62 to have any shot in hell at distracting me, and then I feel silly because of the fact that I'm multiplying in a bathroom...which should be a band. Multiplying in the Bathroom.
If you're like me and you tried to do the problem it's 2108...and seriously seek help, maybe there's a chance for you.
Despite my shy bladder though, I think pissing has to be one of life's finest joys. And not simply because the actual feeling of release is pleasurable. But because of the certainty of it. Cause things in this life come and go. And who knows what will you'll do tomorrow and what you may or may not have...but you know you're going to piss dammit. Everyday, until you die. And there's comfort in that.
It's all about setting the bar low folks, if pissing makes you happy, life's a little easier.
Today I found my new favorite euphemism for female masturbation: Composing on the single-key piano. Just paints such an image doesn't it?
Okay that was a little about sex, but I wanted to share. As for pissing (and doesn't alternating between sex and pissing just make for a nice thought combo in your head?), does anyone else agree that it's really fucking stupid that the acceptable practice is to but the toilet seat down?
This is proof that women rule the world. Think about it. If we were to change, and say people should leave the seat UP after doing whatever, the only conceivable problem that would occur would be people going to sit and falling in. Two points. First, this is a democratic problem, because men and women both sit down from time to time. Secondly, if you're paying so little attention that you put your ass in toilet water, than you deserve it. Plain and simple. And I'm not saying it could never happen to me, I'm just saying that if it did, I'd have to say "Yeah, yeah, I'm a dumbass, I should probably look at where I put my bare ass before I put it there." And then I'd wipe myself off and complete the shit I was apparently going to take.
But under the current rule, we have a much less democratic, much more common problem: men piss on the seat. We've all done it from time to time. Either you didn't really think about it or you just didn't give a damn or you thought you could aim well enough that it wouldn't matter or you're really pissed off at the females in the house or whatever, we've all pissed on a seat or two. And that's no good for no one. Because (a) there's urine on the seat [I don't think this needs further explanation] and (b) if women notice, we get yelled at.
So under our current system we have disharmony in the household and piss all over our toilet seats. Under the Seat UP system, we'd just have the occasional daft twit with a damp ass. Which should also be a band. Daft Twits with Damp Asses. DTDA or maybe DTw/DA. Yeah, I like that for the shirts. DTw/DA.
And that's a good example of why you shouldn't write things at 1 AM.
(originally written September 16th)
posted by drs at 5:39 PM
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