Fucking Rain Forests
As always, let me start off by apologizing for it being so long since the last post. No wait you know what, fuck that. I don’t owe any of you a post. What am I your typewriting monkey? Fuck that noise. I’ll post when I feel like it, and you can be damn grateful when I do.
Seriously though, I actually did write a post last week, but I wasn’t satisfied with it so I scrapped it. Now I realize that may seem ridiculous since I post these things on a website you can only find if you know me, so it really shouldn’t matter how shitty the posts are, but well…I have issues, and you’ll all just have to learn to live with that. And I know some of you are thinking “Wow, he didn’t think post X was bad? Because that was a rancid pile of meandering bullshit. I could have written a funnier more interesting post with my ball sack.” Well fuck you too. Oh, and I realize my grammar and spelling on these things is not, shall we say, of the highest ilk. That’s because I write them at midnight (generally) often when I should be doing homework instead, and I don’t have an editor or anything. So bite me on that one too. You want proper English, you can edit it yourself.
Quick pause: I hate John Madden. Just so you know. If you like John Madden, you’re probably a pedophile. And yes, I did steal calling people a pedophile for no good reason from Dane Cook.
Anyway, what I actually wanted to talk about was our current obsession with things being “all-natural.” I will never understand this. I’m of the philosophy that the whole point of civilization was to escape this whole “nature” thing.
If I wanted “all-natural” food I’d go eat things I found in a forest. But I don’t like dysentery. I do like chemical treatments that allow my food to not spoil, not give me diseases, and taste better. 6000 years of technology and science have allowed us to live 60 or so years longer than we used to. Shouldn’t we be embracing those things?
And you can argue that people didn’t use to get Cancer and all the other diseases we have, and that it’s chemicals that cause those. But you’d be wrong. The reason people didn’t used to get that shit is they DIED. They didn’t live long enough to get cancer. Plus you’d actually be totally wrong because people DID get cancer. Egyptian papri talks about lumps on breasts. Guess what, this shit’s been around a while.
My housemate bought “all-natural” water the other day. Now let me first point out how ridiculous that concept is in the first place. It’s water. What the fuck? Anyway, this water comes from 2.2 miles beneath the surface of the earth (and it’s that last two tenths of a mile that makes all the difference, water from just 2 miles below the crust? vile swill not fit for a dog), and is actually drilled out by…drills I guess. Anyway, this shit is totally natural, no chemical processes for it. Also, it has a warning label that says drinking more than a liter could FUCKING KILL YOU.
Okay, that’s an exaggeration, it doesn’t say fucking kill you. But it does say that it’s not healthy to drink too much of it and that pregnant women basically shouldn’t drink it at all. So that’s what natural water does…it kills babies. And that’s water, like the safest thing on earth. Imagine all natural mangoes. They’d probably rape your dog.
I like how I made raping your dog out to be worse than killing your unborn child. Because honestly, I think we all realize that, long-term, raping a family pet would cause way more emotional trauma.
We built shelter for a reason folks, we wanted to keep nature out. Nature is fucking dangerous. And that’s why I hate John Madden.
(originally written October 3rd)
Seriously though, I actually did write a post last week, but I wasn’t satisfied with it so I scrapped it. Now I realize that may seem ridiculous since I post these things on a website you can only find if you know me, so it really shouldn’t matter how shitty the posts are, but well…I have issues, and you’ll all just have to learn to live with that. And I know some of you are thinking “Wow, he didn’t think post X was bad? Because that was a rancid pile of meandering bullshit. I could have written a funnier more interesting post with my ball sack.” Well fuck you too. Oh, and I realize my grammar and spelling on these things is not, shall we say, of the highest ilk. That’s because I write them at midnight (generally) often when I should be doing homework instead, and I don’t have an editor or anything. So bite me on that one too. You want proper English, you can edit it yourself.
Quick pause: I hate John Madden. Just so you know. If you like John Madden, you’re probably a pedophile. And yes, I did steal calling people a pedophile for no good reason from Dane Cook.
Anyway, what I actually wanted to talk about was our current obsession with things being “all-natural.” I will never understand this. I’m of the philosophy that the whole point of civilization was to escape this whole “nature” thing.
If I wanted “all-natural” food I’d go eat things I found in a forest. But I don’t like dysentery. I do like chemical treatments that allow my food to not spoil, not give me diseases, and taste better. 6000 years of technology and science have allowed us to live 60 or so years longer than we used to. Shouldn’t we be embracing those things?
And you can argue that people didn’t use to get Cancer and all the other diseases we have, and that it’s chemicals that cause those. But you’d be wrong. The reason people didn’t used to get that shit is they DIED. They didn’t live long enough to get cancer. Plus you’d actually be totally wrong because people DID get cancer. Egyptian papri talks about lumps on breasts. Guess what, this shit’s been around a while.
My housemate bought “all-natural” water the other day. Now let me first point out how ridiculous that concept is in the first place. It’s water. What the fuck? Anyway, this water comes from 2.2 miles beneath the surface of the earth (and it’s that last two tenths of a mile that makes all the difference, water from just 2 miles below the crust? vile swill not fit for a dog), and is actually drilled out by…drills I guess. Anyway, this shit is totally natural, no chemical processes for it. Also, it has a warning label that says drinking more than a liter could FUCKING KILL YOU.
Okay, that’s an exaggeration, it doesn’t say fucking kill you. But it does say that it’s not healthy to drink too much of it and that pregnant women basically shouldn’t drink it at all. So that’s what natural water does…it kills babies. And that’s water, like the safest thing on earth. Imagine all natural mangoes. They’d probably rape your dog.
I like how I made raping your dog out to be worse than killing your unborn child. Because honestly, I think we all realize that, long-term, raping a family pet would cause way more emotional trauma.
We built shelter for a reason folks, we wanted to keep nature out. Nature is fucking dangerous. And that’s why I hate John Madden.
(originally written October 3rd)
posted by drs at 5:41 PM
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