A Little Dr. Drew Action
Okay, I have a promise to keep here, so this entry WILL be about the loving. That’s right folks, we’re talking about sex now. And for some of my loyal readers (all 3 of you) this could get a little weird. Because let’s face it, many of you have known me a long time. Might even share some genetic material with me. And maybe you’d prefer not to hear about my sexual exploits. Well, let’s be honest hear, you don’t really need to worry about that. You won’t be hearing anything about my sexual exploits because (of course) I have no sexual exploits
Yep. That’s what I said folks. For those who aren’t reading between the lines well, let me put it in italics for you: I be’s a virgin. And you thought admitting being bladder shy was honest. A virgin at 21? Not cool at all. But that’s right, you heard me, my cherry is fully intact…although I’m not a chick, so I don’t really have a cherry, but you get my drift. So keep the source in mind as you read the rest of this, because it’s very very possible I have no idea what the hell I’m talking about.
That said, I don’t think being a virgin necessarily precludes me from having thoughts on sex (and I know people who seem to think it does). I mean, I’ve never fought a boxing match, but I know to keep my hands up if you know what I mean…that feels like it should have some sexual double meaning…I can’t think of one, but if you can you should enjoy it.
My first thought is about men being unable to perform, so to speak. Premature perhaps. Or just extremeeeeeely post-mature (like next-week-mature). Based upon sitcoms/movies/books it seems that as a culture the response to this is “Well, I guess that’s a night”. Now, I’ve never been in the circumstance, obviously, but frankly that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to me.
To put it in terms of a sports metaphor (because all things are better in sports metaphor): you don’t forfeit the game just because your Quarterback gets injured. You put the ball on the damn ground. Run it between the tackles 30 or 40 times. And are you going to win the game? No, but you’ll at least have played.
For those who didn’t follow the sports metaphor (and I understand that living in my head gets tricky), let me out it another way. Yes, your night is not going to end as you had hoped, but that doesn’t mean hers can’t. Your QB is not the only weapon at your disposal, if you get my drift.
Hopefully, there are other guys out there who feel the same way I do, and would get in there and perform the civic duties regardless of poor performance by the little guy. But it seems like society doesn’t think this way, and I don’t get why.
Okay, having said something that the ladies probably enjoyed (people who watched as much Tough Crowd as me might remember Nick Dipallo picking his teeth one night…that image sticks), now I’m going to go right ahead and piss them all off.
Because there’s a double standard out there. Let’s review the facts, shall we? If a man cannot…make it all the way to home plate so to speak, then that’s his fault. He couldn’t perform. If a woman cannot make that same trip…that’s also the man’s fault. He couldn’t get HER to climax. What the fuck?
I don’t want to misrepresent myself here, so let me allow for the fact that yes, sometimes it probably is his fault. Sometimes, the dude probably isn’t putting in the effort, or just doesn’t have the equipment necessary to do the job. But maybe sometimes you just have a little female ED. Once in a while, maybe your pistons just don’t fire properly. And that’s not our fault. So don’t jump to that conclusion.
And on the flip side, sometimes a dude’s stuff doesn’t fire properly (or at all as it were), and that isn’t your fault. And sometimes, maybe you weren’t on your A-game…yeah probably not. Let’s face it, a D-minus-game is pretty much good enough for most dudes. As long the game is played, really.
Totally unrelated comment for those who grew up near me: Watching one of those “High-speed chase” shows on Spike last night and saw a dude on Halsted and Grand River. Now admittedly, it was from like 1998, but it was still pretty badass watching him take off past shit I’ve driven past several thousand times, and go over the median on M-5.
Speaking of television shows based on the premise of watching unbelievable fucktwits (read that in a book the other day…like the sound of it) mess up their pathetic lives, does anybody remember Loveline with Dr. Drew and Adam Carolla? (You see the brilliant segue from the unrelated comment back to my original topic? Yeah that’s called literary genius.)
If you aren’t familiar with the show (used to be on MTV late nights) it was basically a call-in show where two guys (a sex therapist and half of the man-show) gave advice to people on various sexual issues. And generally it was all just fine. I remember one guy was worried he was a compulsive masturbator, and Drew assured him he wasn’t (although he did jerk off quite a little bit…speaking of which have I mentioned my favorite euphemism for female masturbation? Composing on the single-key piano? Not sure if I had or not).
Anyway, every so often they’d get a call that went a little outside their territory, for example, one lady called in to say she had found out a little boy down the street was basically molesting her 4 year old son, and what did Drew think she should do about that?
Now here’s what I find fascinating, here’s a parent who has encountered what must be called (by any definition) an unimaginably emotionally scarring situation where her son is being fondled by another small boy in a horribly inappropriate manner that might cause him damage FOREVER and she thinks to herself that the best solution is to CALL MTV.
My point is this, I’m constantly hearing older generations talk about how our generation treats sex too casually, and how younger and younger kids are becoming involved in sex, and how it’s all the entertainment industry’s fault. Well I have another theory. Maybe it’s because there are parents who believe the best source for sexual advice is the same guy who came up with girls jumping on trampolines. I watched that episode when I was about 12 or so, which means that little boy is probably 13 or so by now, and I bet he spends his Friday nights defecating on his classmates. (If you’d care to know, Drew actually sagely told the woman that she needed to go to serious sexual counselor for her child and the other one, because real help was needed…but still, the existence of this woman frightens me).
USA Today just put out a study about how people of our generation don’t consider oral sex to be sex (and there are so many great stand-up acts about this that I’m not really going to touch it…I recommend Lewis Black and Chris Rock, myself). And it had a ton of statistics, none of which I remember exactly, (although I recall that a higher percentage of girls had performed oral sex at ever age level than guys had received at each corresponding age level) and a lot of “What’s wrong with these kids…intimacy…blah blah blah!”
Here’s what bothered me though: the totally inequity in the distribution of oral sex amongst teenage boys. I mean, if little 15 year old girls are going to be out sucking dicks, they should be willing to suck whoever’s dick. Whomever’s dick. Cause frankly, if you’re going down on a guy, does it really matter who it is? I mean, I grant that if you’re fucking someone, you might have standards, but it’s not like some guys have peppermint-flavored semen. A dick is a dick is a dick. So what’s the big deal? Make some high school dork’s life complete…and uh, be safe. Cause, you know, STD’s are bad.
But in all seriousness, it is a little strange that so many members of our generation don’t consider oral sex to be sex. I especially enjoy my Christian friends who refrain from sex for religious reasons, but are okay with oral sex before marriage. Now, I’m not going to say they’re right or wrong about the morality of the thing, because I have no fucking idea if God really cares if you eat a little mexican food now and then.
But I am going to say this, I feel that’s a slightly loose interpretation of the scripture. Jesus said, “You have heard that it was said, ‘Thou shall not commit adultery’; but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” (Matthew 5:27-28). How precisely do you go from that to “Well you know, just so long as the innies and the outies don’t mix feel free to do what you like.” A strange reading of the text is all I’m saying.
Okay so there you go, sex: covered it. No problem. Perhaps admitted more about myself than I should have. Perhaps said a few things that are going to get me in trouble with the FBI. But I talked about it. Next time…I don’t know…Saddam’s trial? A chick on the Supreme Court with slightly less legal experience than Judge Judy? My theory that Google is the slowly forming a New World Order? Who knows.
(originally written October 21st)
Yep. That’s what I said folks. For those who aren’t reading between the lines well, let me put it in italics for you: I be’s a virgin. And you thought admitting being bladder shy was honest. A virgin at 21? Not cool at all. But that’s right, you heard me, my cherry is fully intact…although I’m not a chick, so I don’t really have a cherry, but you get my drift. So keep the source in mind as you read the rest of this, because it’s very very possible I have no idea what the hell I’m talking about.
That said, I don’t think being a virgin necessarily precludes me from having thoughts on sex (and I know people who seem to think it does). I mean, I’ve never fought a boxing match, but I know to keep my hands up if you know what I mean…that feels like it should have some sexual double meaning…I can’t think of one, but if you can you should enjoy it.
My first thought is about men being unable to perform, so to speak. Premature perhaps. Or just extremeeeeeely post-mature (like next-week-mature). Based upon sitcoms/movies/books it seems that as a culture the response to this is “Well, I guess that’s a night”. Now, I’ve never been in the circumstance, obviously, but frankly that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to me.
To put it in terms of a sports metaphor (because all things are better in sports metaphor): you don’t forfeit the game just because your Quarterback gets injured. You put the ball on the damn ground. Run it between the tackles 30 or 40 times. And are you going to win the game? No, but you’ll at least have played.
For those who didn’t follow the sports metaphor (and I understand that living in my head gets tricky), let me out it another way. Yes, your night is not going to end as you had hoped, but that doesn’t mean hers can’t. Your QB is not the only weapon at your disposal, if you get my drift.
Hopefully, there are other guys out there who feel the same way I do, and would get in there and perform the civic duties regardless of poor performance by the little guy. But it seems like society doesn’t think this way, and I don’t get why.
Okay, having said something that the ladies probably enjoyed (people who watched as much Tough Crowd as me might remember Nick Dipallo picking his teeth one night…that image sticks), now I’m going to go right ahead and piss them all off.
Because there’s a double standard out there. Let’s review the facts, shall we? If a man cannot…make it all the way to home plate so to speak, then that’s his fault. He couldn’t perform. If a woman cannot make that same trip…that’s also the man’s fault. He couldn’t get HER to climax. What the fuck?
I don’t want to misrepresent myself here, so let me allow for the fact that yes, sometimes it probably is his fault. Sometimes, the dude probably isn’t putting in the effort, or just doesn’t have the equipment necessary to do the job. But maybe sometimes you just have a little female ED. Once in a while, maybe your pistons just don’t fire properly. And that’s not our fault. So don’t jump to that conclusion.
And on the flip side, sometimes a dude’s stuff doesn’t fire properly (or at all as it were), and that isn’t your fault. And sometimes, maybe you weren’t on your A-game…yeah probably not. Let’s face it, a D-minus-game is pretty much good enough for most dudes. As long the game is played, really.
Totally unrelated comment for those who grew up near me: Watching one of those “High-speed chase” shows on Spike last night and saw a dude on Halsted and Grand River. Now admittedly, it was from like 1998, but it was still pretty badass watching him take off past shit I’ve driven past several thousand times, and go over the median on M-5.
Speaking of television shows based on the premise of watching unbelievable fucktwits (read that in a book the other day…like the sound of it) mess up their pathetic lives, does anybody remember Loveline with Dr. Drew and Adam Carolla? (You see the brilliant segue from the unrelated comment back to my original topic? Yeah that’s called literary genius.)
If you aren’t familiar with the show (used to be on MTV late nights) it was basically a call-in show where two guys (a sex therapist and half of the man-show) gave advice to people on various sexual issues. And generally it was all just fine. I remember one guy was worried he was a compulsive masturbator, and Drew assured him he wasn’t (although he did jerk off quite a little bit…speaking of which have I mentioned my favorite euphemism for female masturbation? Composing on the single-key piano? Not sure if I had or not).
Anyway, every so often they’d get a call that went a little outside their territory, for example, one lady called in to say she had found out a little boy down the street was basically molesting her 4 year old son, and what did Drew think she should do about that?
Now here’s what I find fascinating, here’s a parent who has encountered what must be called (by any definition) an unimaginably emotionally scarring situation where her son is being fondled by another small boy in a horribly inappropriate manner that might cause him damage FOREVER and she thinks to herself that the best solution is to CALL MTV.
My point is this, I’m constantly hearing older generations talk about how our generation treats sex too casually, and how younger and younger kids are becoming involved in sex, and how it’s all the entertainment industry’s fault. Well I have another theory. Maybe it’s because there are parents who believe the best source for sexual advice is the same guy who came up with girls jumping on trampolines. I watched that episode when I was about 12 or so, which means that little boy is probably 13 or so by now, and I bet he spends his Friday nights defecating on his classmates. (If you’d care to know, Drew actually sagely told the woman that she needed to go to serious sexual counselor for her child and the other one, because real help was needed…but still, the existence of this woman frightens me).
USA Today just put out a study about how people of our generation don’t consider oral sex to be sex (and there are so many great stand-up acts about this that I’m not really going to touch it…I recommend Lewis Black and Chris Rock, myself). And it had a ton of statistics, none of which I remember exactly, (although I recall that a higher percentage of girls had performed oral sex at ever age level than guys had received at each corresponding age level) and a lot of “What’s wrong with these kids…intimacy…blah blah blah!”
Here’s what bothered me though: the totally inequity in the distribution of oral sex amongst teenage boys. I mean, if little 15 year old girls are going to be out sucking dicks, they should be willing to suck whoever’s dick. Whomever’s dick. Cause frankly, if you’re going down on a guy, does it really matter who it is? I mean, I grant that if you’re fucking someone, you might have standards, but it’s not like some guys have peppermint-flavored semen. A dick is a dick is a dick. So what’s the big deal? Make some high school dork’s life complete…and uh, be safe. Cause, you know, STD’s are bad.
But in all seriousness, it is a little strange that so many members of our generation don’t consider oral sex to be sex. I especially enjoy my Christian friends who refrain from sex for religious reasons, but are okay with oral sex before marriage. Now, I’m not going to say they’re right or wrong about the morality of the thing, because I have no fucking idea if God really cares if you eat a little mexican food now and then.
But I am going to say this, I feel that’s a slightly loose interpretation of the scripture. Jesus said, “You have heard that it was said, ‘Thou shall not commit adultery’; but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” (Matthew 5:27-28). How precisely do you go from that to “Well you know, just so long as the innies and the outies don’t mix feel free to do what you like.” A strange reading of the text is all I’m saying.
Okay so there you go, sex: covered it. No problem. Perhaps admitted more about myself than I should have. Perhaps said a few things that are going to get me in trouble with the FBI. But I talked about it. Next time…I don’t know…Saddam’s trial? A chick on the Supreme Court with slightly less legal experience than Judge Judy? My theory that Google is the slowly forming a New World Order? Who knows.
(originally written October 21st)
posted by drs at 5:43 PM
0 Comments:
Post a Comment
<< Home