Why didn't I join a frat?

On Monday I encountered the following headline in the Michigan Daily: Masturbating trespasser booted from frat.

Rather naturally my interest was aroused (pun intended). Basically here's what happened. A woman (who claimed to be an EMU student named Mel
issa) between the ages of 20 to 30 walked into a frat around lunchtime, sat down on the couch, and began composing on the single key piano.

The frat members politely asked her to leave and she refused. After half an hour they called the police, and she left wearing nothing but a thigh-length coat.

The questions that arise from this story are numerous. First off, how was she not raped by like six guys? (Or, depending on her motives, how did she not have consensual sex with like six guys?) She laid down on a couch at a frat and began flicking the bean. This is hands-down the most upstanding frat I've ever heard of. At Alpha Beta they might have raped a woman who was just sitting on a couch, masturbating or not. (Side note, what sort of rushers do you think a frat that is actually known as "the rape house" gets?)

Alright, so let's assume these guys are genuinely good people and so they weren't going to take advantage of the woman. Even given that, what group of guys asks a masturbating woman to LEAVE? I can't even fathom this. If you're a guy, ask yourself, which of the following would you do:
(a) ask her to leave
(b) pull up a seat
(c) draw straws to see who's running out to Meijer to buy a camcorder

I think I speak for most males when I say: this is the stuff porn is made of guys. What are you doing?

But, then, on the other hand, they did wait half an hour before they called the cops. So I suppose maybe they got all the footage they needed.

Then there are all the weird elements of the story (I know, I know, I never would have thought I'd be implying that a random masturbater isn't the weid part of the story). For example, at one point the woman made a phone call. I would pay about $10,000 for a cassette of that phone call.

"Hey, what's up?"

"Nothing much, I'm at frat house playing three-knuckle shuffle. How about you?"

Or the article notes that the frat guys "asked the woman if she was all right" and "she casually replied that she was fine." I've read a lot of Miss Manners in my day, but I admit to being at a loss as to the appropriate way to ask an intruding masturbater how they're feeling. 'Excuse me' doesn't really seem to cut it.

Also, the frat house will be disposing of two couches because of the incident. Two couches. TWO. Dos couches. What was happening on the other couch? Or did the woman get up and move at one point? Inquiring minds want to know.

I can't come up with any sort of conclusion so I'm just going to stop writing now.