It's the End of the World as We Know It
Folks, I've found my purpose in life. I know it now.
It was all made clear to me by the following post on Google News:
US Weekly reported Actor Vince Vaughn proposed to "Friends" actress Jennifer Aniston on their return trip from Puerto Vallarta, Mexico.
And now I know my purpose: I must kill all the children of this wretched coupling. Because, to be perfectly honest, I believe that any such infant would, in fact, be the Antichrist.
To be fair, Aniston is denying the report, saying, and I'm paraphrasing here: "Are you fucking kidding me? Look at me. I'm Rachel Fucking Green. Do you really think I'd be so pathetic as to marry the fucking loser from Swingers? Seriously? Fuck you US Weekly, see if you ever get an interview with any of the Friends again."
When reached for comment Matthew LeBlanc said, "Well you know, we're all friends off-screen too."
You might wonder why I believe that the child of Vince and Jennifer (Jince? Vinifer? See this is why these guys can't be a couple, those would be shitty tabloid nicknames), will be the Antichrist. I've got two words for you: Wedding Crashers. I think it's obvious that Satan had a hand in deceiving the world into believing that movie was actually funny.
Personally, I pray to God that the report isn't true, simply so I don't have to read 18,000 magazine headlines punning on "Wedding Crashers".
In other important news: Maurice Clarett is a fucking moron.
Shouldn't that be ESPN.com's headline right now? Wouldn't that be great?
Maurice Clarett: Total Fucking Moron
(Insert silly picture of Clarett in dunce hat here)
Maurice Clarett can't stay out of trouble. Page 2 writer Skip Bayless asks, "What the fuck is wrong with this guy? Seriously, what the fucking fuck is the matter with him?"
Finally, some terrorists were apprehended plotting to blow up airplanes or something. I didn't really read the article.
It was all made clear to me by the following post on Google News:
US Weekly reported Actor Vince Vaughn proposed to "Friends" actress Jennifer Aniston on their return trip from Puerto Vallarta, Mexico.
And now I know my purpose: I must kill all the children of this wretched coupling. Because, to be perfectly honest, I believe that any such infant would, in fact, be the Antichrist.
To be fair, Aniston is denying the report, saying, and I'm paraphrasing here: "Are you fucking kidding me? Look at me. I'm Rachel Fucking Green. Do you really think I'd be so pathetic as to marry the fucking loser from Swingers? Seriously? Fuck you US Weekly, see if you ever get an interview with any of the Friends again."
When reached for comment Matthew LeBlanc said, "Well you know, we're all friends off-screen too."
You might wonder why I believe that the child of Vince and Jennifer (Jince? Vinifer? See this is why these guys can't be a couple, those would be shitty tabloid nicknames), will be the Antichrist. I've got two words for you: Wedding Crashers. I think it's obvious that Satan had a hand in deceiving the world into believing that movie was actually funny.
Personally, I pray to God that the report isn't true, simply so I don't have to read 18,000 magazine headlines punning on "Wedding Crashers".
In other important news: Maurice Clarett is a fucking moron.
Shouldn't that be ESPN.com's headline right now? Wouldn't that be great?
Maurice Clarett: Total Fucking Moron
(Insert silly picture of Clarett in dunce hat here)
Maurice Clarett can't stay out of trouble. Page 2 writer Skip Bayless asks, "What the fuck is wrong with this guy? Seriously, what the fucking fuck is the matter with him?"
Finally, some terrorists were apprehended plotting to blow up airplanes or something. I didn't really read the article.
posted by drs at 10:01 AM
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