What a Long, Strange Journey it has Been

HAPPY ANNIVERSARY!!!!

That’s right folks the Frobozz Magic Rambling Company is officially one year old today. (Does this mean I get presents? – Ed.) No.

But what it does mean is very special edition of the Ramblings. That’s right, it’s the dreaded Flashback Episode. A lot of crazy stuff happened in the last year, so let’s look back on all the memories, and see what came from them.

The FMRC started off with a posting on those Inept Democrats and how they’re probably going to nominate Hillary come 2008. Well, a year later Hillary’s still the front runner (God help us), and I’m officially a Democrat, albeit a self-loathing one. Personally I’m still praying the Dems regain their senses and nominate former Virginia Governor Mark Warner.

A month later we were talking about Jesus and the Christ family. In the time since then a semi-decent movie in which Tom Hanks had a bad haircut came out and talked about Jesus and the Christ family. To date that movie has grossed close to three-quarters of a billion dollars worldwide. Meanwhile the FMRC has grossed three cents and a Starburst wrapper. Life isn’t fair. To be serious about The DaVinci Code for a second though, it was pretty good, but here’s what I don’t like. Movies/books like that, dealing with the Catholic Church and a bunch of conspiracies to cover up the “truth about Christ” are frustrating. Because they distract people from the actual issues with Christianity and make anybody who points out interesting viewpoints look like a crackpot by association. We should be discussing alternate views on Jesus (i.e. other Gospels or different interpretations of the Bible) and DaVinci Code makes that hard to do, because it just makes it all too over-the-top.

Come September I was bitching about the Michigan Student Section for football games. In case you’re curious: the Student Section continues to suck.

Days later I said that “Up” should be the default position of all toilet seats and that “if you're paying so little attention that you put your ass in toilet water, than you deserve it. Plain and simple. And I'm not saying it could never happen to me, I'm just saying that if it did, I'd have to say "Yeah, yeah, I'm a dumbass, I should probably look at where I put my bare ass before I put it there." And then I'd wipe myself off and complete the shit I was apparently going to take.”

Well, just a few days ago I sat down on the toilet, distracted by the newspaper, only to end up with an ass covered in toilet water. So I am, apparently, a daft twit. Big surprise there.

Next I posted on how Sport is Sport, the first of a few homage posts, this one a la Scoop Jackson. Just for the record, Sport continues to be Sport, and the women in my life still don’t get it.

Come October, just past my 21st birthday, I admitted on the blog that I was a virgin. Well, that has since ceased to be true. So that’s nice. I still won’t be talking about my sexual exploits, for obvious reasons, but let me recheck in with something I said in the infamous sex post. I still say you don’t forfeit the game just because your quarterback gets injured (check the post if the metaphor isn’t sinking in with you). However, I realize now that there can be intricacies at work here. That said, if she wants you to send in the second stringers and finish the job, you better damn well find somebody to hand the ball off.

In November I lamented how hard it is to be a fan, and this fall, it’s just going to get harder. Come October, not only will I have Michigan games to watch, not only will I have a Fantasy Football Championship to repeat in, not only will Detroit Pistons Basketball be starting up, but I’ll also have to mix in a DETROIT TIGERS WORLD SERIES. Motherfucker. I may have to drop out of college.

Come Christmas, and a very special posting, I made an offhand comment that people often think I am Jewish, but that I was in fact raised Catholic. Since then I have found that I may in fact be 1/8 Jewish, but we aren’t really sure. Apparently a great-grandpa may have been born Jewish in Russia, but never properly raised Jewish since being Jewish in communist Russia was a no-no. So this puts years of urges to dance the Horah in perspective.

In February, I said that a monkey with autism would make a better GM than Isaiah Thomas. Thus far no NBA teams have taken me and Koko up on our offer to test the theory, but Isaiah hasn’t done much to disprove it. At this point, I’m going to take the next step past saying that Isaiah is the worst GM ever in Sports history, and say that he is in fact the single worst executive EVER. In anything. Sports, business, politics, whatever. Caligula was a better executive than Zeke. And while we’re on the Knicks, a quick comment on what they need to do: WHATEVER IS NECESSARY TO GET LEBRON ON THEIR TEAM. I don’t care if it means getting rid of the next draft pick you have (which is, I believe, in the late 2030s). I don’t care if you have to trade Channing Frye. I don’t care if you lose 80 games a year until then. I don’t care if you have to hire an assassin to kill Stephon Marbury to get out of that contract. It doesn’t matter. Do it.

The very next day I posted on the greatest event of the last year. Vice President Dick Cheney shooting a man in the face. It was amazing. It was spectacular. It made my life. I can die happy, now that the Vice President of the United States of America has shot a man. And where did he shoot the man? In the face. He shot him in the face. Total number of times since then that a Vice President of a major world power has shot a man in the face on accident: 0. Total number of times I’ve thought about Vice President Dick Cheney shooting a man in the face and giggled to myself: 3,492 and counting.

In April, there was the infamous Duke lacrosse scandal. Since then, the news on this has abated a great deal, however, just this week Collin Finnerty (one of the three accused of the rape) was convicted of another assault charge he had previously been facing. Here’s (as Steve Colbert would say) All You Need to Know: Finnerty’s lawyer was named Steven J. McCool. Holy crap, that’s the best name ever. How do judges take him seriously in court? “Mr. McCool could you please approach…hee hee, Mr. McCool…what a silly name…tee hee.”

And finally, there was everyone’s favorite post: Craig's list. So, for the last time, here’s the best “casual encounter” I’ve seen posted on Craig's list recently:

I'm not sure if there is a name for this, but I've seen videos about it...

You know how a guy is very sensitive after orgasm... What I want to try is where the cock/head is continuously stroked during that time.
I really have no idea why. And I can't do it on myself, it's just too sensitive.
There's just something about it that really intrigues me.
I'm quite certain I'd need to be restrained in some fashion so as not to be able to get out from your grasp.
I want to see how long I can take it.

Send me an email of why you'd like to try it with me and we can go from there.
Please no smokers or BBW. Both are so not attractive.
And I would prefer no one over 40 unless you can convince me otherwise.

Thanks for your time!

As always, I’m amused by a request like “no smokers” in this context, but my favorite part of this post is the last line. Between the courtesy and the exclamation point it sounds more like the conclusion to church newsletter than a bizarre sex post.

So there you have it. Frobozz Magic Rambling Company is one year old. I hope I’ve brought you a few laughs over the last year, or at the very least killed some time at work for you. And hopefully I’ll be back to posting more regularly once August rolls around.