The Tenth Circle of Hell
If you’ve never read Dante’s Divine Comedy, I highly recommend it. It’s the perfect book for those who love three line stanzas that don’t rhyme since they were written in Italian originally. Unless you spoke Italian, in which case you could read the original which would rhyme…at least I assume it does. (In point of fact, the entire piece follows a remarkable pattern of ABA BCB CDC DED…where the first and third lines of each stanza rhyme with the second line of the previous stanza, giving off the impression of a fountain or flower blooming forth, it’s called terza rima and was invented by Dante. -ed.) Umm…okay.
Anyway, I was thinking about Dante’s nine circles of hell. Dante’s work outlines a systematic set-up of hell complete with punishments, including locales for the lustful, the gluttonous, heretics, murderers, Evil counselors, Sowers of Discord, alchemists, traitors, and others.
Here’s my problem: Dante’s setup was all fine and good for the middle ages, but I’m not sure the last time I ran into any alchemists. And unless evil counselors refers to high school guidance, I’m not really sure where that one falls either.
On top of that, I find it strange that Dante thinks of betrayal as the worst of all sins, worse than murder and rape. Which apparently means that if Dante was given a choice between his best friend Bob either (a) betraying him over a girl or (b) raping and killing him, he’d go with option B. So that’s odd.
All this is to say the following: it’s about time we added a 10th circle to hell isn’t it? In the modern world, there are a fuckload of sins worst than anything Dante came up with, so I thought I’d throw out a few of the worst.
The first ring…or subcircle or whatever the hell they’re called…of the 10th circle of hell is for people who get in the U-Scan line with more than the 12 item maximum. And to be generous I’ll let those who get in the line with 15 items or whatever slide for now. It’s the motherfuckers who pull in with the carts spilling over with shit. What the hell? It says 12 bitch. I’d rather not stand around holding my 12 pack of pepsi, jar of peanut butter, and loaf of bread, while you scan 19 different baking products. Take that shit to the regular line. Can’t they rig the machines to refuse to scan the 13th item? Or charge a dollar extra for every item? Or better yet, release some sort of powerful electric shock that zaps the shit out of these people?
Next up: couples who sit on the same side of the booth when eating by themselves. There are probably a few of you reading this who think it’s sweet to do it, and I’m sorry, but you’re going to have to burn in eternal hellfire for it. Them’s the breaks. Look, I realize touching your loved ones is fun, but for Christ’s sake give it a break for like two hours. Six thousand years of civilization is with me on this. People are supposed to face each other when they eat. You’ll just have to learn to deal with it.
Third group: people who type lol when they are in fact NOT laughing out loud (for shame -ed.) Look, the letters stand for something. If you aren’t doing it, don’t fucking type it. Also, the eight nanoseconds you save by typing r and u as opposed to are or you aren’t going to give you the free time to find that cure for being a fucking moron you‘ve been looking for. Please stop that as well.
Fourth group: people who suggest Oprah Winfrey deserves to win the Nobel Peace Prize. This might not seem like an issue, but it's come up at least twice for me. At what point did our society decide that the Nobel Peace Prize can just be given to anybody who's nice? Don't get me wrong, Oprah's a great person. Charitable like you wouldn't believe. Did a lot for Katrina victims. Seems to generally care about people's problems. And if you want to give her that Presidential Gold Medal thing we give out, that's cool. Make her Time's Man of the Year? She'd be a fuckload better than Bono. (Bono shouldn't even be Time's Member of U2 of the Year -ed.) But shouldn't Peace Prize recipients do something that has to do with, you know, peace? When Oprah solves the Kashmir conflict, toss her name in the hat, but until then shut the fuck up about it. She hosts a TV talk show. She does not bring stability to the Middle East. Let's not make this more than it is.
Well, for those who I've already condemned to the bowels of hell...sorry about that. Sucks to be you I guess. For those I haven't, trust me, I'll get to you at one point or another. And just to be clear, I'm confident there's a prime seat being warmed for me in the tenth circle as well.
Next post: Why seat warmers piss me off.
Or maybe something political, I don't know.
Anyway, I was thinking about Dante’s nine circles of hell. Dante’s work outlines a systematic set-up of hell complete with punishments, including locales for the lustful, the gluttonous, heretics, murderers, Evil counselors, Sowers of Discord, alchemists, traitors, and others.
Here’s my problem: Dante’s setup was all fine and good for the middle ages, but I’m not sure the last time I ran into any alchemists. And unless evil counselors refers to high school guidance, I’m not really sure where that one falls either.
On top of that, I find it strange that Dante thinks of betrayal as the worst of all sins, worse than murder and rape. Which apparently means that if Dante was given a choice between his best friend Bob either (a) betraying him over a girl or (b) raping and killing him, he’d go with option B. So that’s odd.
All this is to say the following: it’s about time we added a 10th circle to hell isn’t it? In the modern world, there are a fuckload of sins worst than anything Dante came up with, so I thought I’d throw out a few of the worst.
The first ring…or subcircle or whatever the hell they’re called…of the 10th circle of hell is for people who get in the U-Scan line with more than the 12 item maximum. And to be generous I’ll let those who get in the line with 15 items or whatever slide for now. It’s the motherfuckers who pull in with the carts spilling over with shit. What the hell? It says 12 bitch. I’d rather not stand around holding my 12 pack of pepsi, jar of peanut butter, and loaf of bread, while you scan 19 different baking products. Take that shit to the regular line. Can’t they rig the machines to refuse to scan the 13th item? Or charge a dollar extra for every item? Or better yet, release some sort of powerful electric shock that zaps the shit out of these people?
Next up: couples who sit on the same side of the booth when eating by themselves. There are probably a few of you reading this who think it’s sweet to do it, and I’m sorry, but you’re going to have to burn in eternal hellfire for it. Them’s the breaks. Look, I realize touching your loved ones is fun, but for Christ’s sake give it a break for like two hours. Six thousand years of civilization is with me on this. People are supposed to face each other when they eat. You’ll just have to learn to deal with it.
Third group: people who type lol when they are in fact NOT laughing out loud (for shame -ed.) Look, the letters stand for something. If you aren’t doing it, don’t fucking type it. Also, the eight nanoseconds you save by typing r and u as opposed to are or you aren’t going to give you the free time to find that cure for being a fucking moron you‘ve been looking for. Please stop that as well.
Fourth group: people who suggest Oprah Winfrey deserves to win the Nobel Peace Prize. This might not seem like an issue, but it's come up at least twice for me. At what point did our society decide that the Nobel Peace Prize can just be given to anybody who's nice? Don't get me wrong, Oprah's a great person. Charitable like you wouldn't believe. Did a lot for Katrina victims. Seems to generally care about people's problems. And if you want to give her that Presidential Gold Medal thing we give out, that's cool. Make her Time's Man of the Year? She'd be a fuckload better than Bono. (Bono shouldn't even be Time's Member of U2 of the Year -ed.) But shouldn't Peace Prize recipients do something that has to do with, you know, peace? When Oprah solves the Kashmir conflict, toss her name in the hat, but until then shut the fuck up about it. She hosts a TV talk show. She does not bring stability to the Middle East. Let's not make this more than it is.
Well, for those who I've already condemned to the bowels of hell...sorry about that. Sucks to be you I guess. For those I haven't, trust me, I'll get to you at one point or another. And just to be clear, I'm confident there's a prime seat being warmed for me in the tenth circle as well.
Next post: Why seat warmers piss me off.
Or maybe something political, I don't know.
posted by drs at 10:01 PM
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