Global Peace through Mutual Masturbation
I live in Ann Arbor, Michigan, which means I've been witness to some of the most pointless and ridiculous protests/movements mankind has to offer. Not a week goes by where someone doesn't protest something, and a lot of these protests don't really include any actual means for solving a problem.
For example, after the 2004 elections, a number of protesters marched to protest George W. Bush getting elected again. Mind you, they weren't protesting his foreign policy or his beliefs on seperation of church and state or his economic policies. They were simply protesting the fact that he won the election. Citizens Against Democracy or something like that.
And I was forced to wonder, what the hell did they hope to accomplish? Did the think that maybe if they got on the 6 o'clock news that President Bush would see a clip of it and decide to resign? Because that's fairly unlikely.
Once upon a time protests had a purpose. People wanted something to change. MLK led sit-ins to force an end to segregated establishments. Our parents marched to convince the government to withdraw from Vietnam. Gahndi fasted so that he could fit into that skimpy little diaper he was always wearing. And so on.
But my generation seems to protest a vague sentiment of evil without any actual plans for change. There was a stop sign by my old house in Ann Arbor. As with many stop signs someone had spray painted a word beneath it (i.e Stop War, Stop Bush, Stop Racism, Stop Movie-Tie-in Legos...). This particular sign read "Stop Them". I still think of it as the perfect symbol of my generation.
My generation that seems to protest things simply so that they can hear themselves complain and congratulate each other for being so compassionate and worldy. The perfect example of this is all the protests for world peace. Every other day I see a hunger strike for world peace, or a bowl-a-thon for world peace, or a sit-in for world peace, as if a bunch of college students walking around carrying signs with catchy slogans are going to convince all the people in the world who hate each other to lay down arms. Guess what guys, world peace requires more than happy sentiments. It requires growing an economic infrastructure in Africa, solving century long ethnic and religious disputes, and figuring out a way for scarce resources to be available in abundance to everyone. I'm just saying, you might want to throw more than one bowl-a-thon next month.
At the end of the day, all these protests are really nothing more than giant circle jerks for world peace, so that everyone involved can feel better about themselves. And if you don't believe me that these events are just mutual masturbation festivals, I give you the Global Orgasm for Peace.
Yes, that's right the Global Orgasm for Peace. December 22nd marks the First Annual Solstice Synchronized Global Orgasm for Peace.
"The mission of the Global Orgasm is to effect change in the energy field of the Earth through input of the largest possible surge of human energy. Now that there are two more US fleets heading for the Persian Gulf with anti- submarine equipment that can only be for use against Iran, the time to change Earth’s energy is NOW!
The intent is that the participants concentrate any thoughts during and after orgasm on peace. The combination of high- energy orgasmic energy combined with mindful intention may have a much greater effect than previous mass meditations and prayers."
Now, I know what you're probably thinking: "Wow, what a fucking crack-pot idea. What do these guys think is going to happen?" Here's my guess.
These guys believe that if they all blow their wad at once, that somewhere in the Atlantic the following scene will play itself out on a nuclear submarine:
[The submarine's captain puts his hand to his head and sits down]
Executive Officer: Are you all right? What's wrong?
Captain: I felt a great disturbance in the Force...as if millions of
voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced. I fear
something terrible has happened.
XO: You mean like innocents being killed?
Captains: No, more like bedsheets being soiled, tissue paper being wasted, and women being left unsatisfied.
Either they think that's a realistic possibility, or it's all a giant scam by a guy whose girlfriend has been reluctant to go all the way.
"Baby, let's go all the way tonight."
"I thought we talked about this, Johnny, I'm just not ready yet."
"I know honey, but...well...it's the Winter Solstice. And when I think about all those children dying in Darfur...well I think maybe you owe it to them to spread your legs for me, don't you?"
That's right kids. Ask not what mankind can do for your penis. Ask what your penis can do for mankind.
For example, after the 2004 elections, a number of protesters marched to protest George W. Bush getting elected again. Mind you, they weren't protesting his foreign policy or his beliefs on seperation of church and state or his economic policies. They were simply protesting the fact that he won the election. Citizens Against Democracy or something like that.
And I was forced to wonder, what the hell did they hope to accomplish? Did the think that maybe if they got on the 6 o'clock news that President Bush would see a clip of it and decide to resign? Because that's fairly unlikely.
Once upon a time protests had a purpose. People wanted something to change. MLK led sit-ins to force an end to segregated establishments. Our parents marched to convince the government to withdraw from Vietnam. Gahndi fasted so that he could fit into that skimpy little diaper he was always wearing. And so on.
But my generation seems to protest a vague sentiment of evil without any actual plans for change. There was a stop sign by my old house in Ann Arbor. As with many stop signs someone had spray painted a word beneath it (i.e Stop War, Stop Bush, Stop Racism, Stop Movie-Tie-in Legos...). This particular sign read "Stop Them". I still think of it as the perfect symbol of my generation.
My generation that seems to protest things simply so that they can hear themselves complain and congratulate each other for being so compassionate and worldy. The perfect example of this is all the protests for world peace. Every other day I see a hunger strike for world peace, or a bowl-a-thon for world peace, or a sit-in for world peace, as if a bunch of college students walking around carrying signs with catchy slogans are going to convince all the people in the world who hate each other to lay down arms. Guess what guys, world peace requires more than happy sentiments. It requires growing an economic infrastructure in Africa, solving century long ethnic and religious disputes, and figuring out a way for scarce resources to be available in abundance to everyone. I'm just saying, you might want to throw more than one bowl-a-thon next month.
At the end of the day, all these protests are really nothing more than giant circle jerks for world peace, so that everyone involved can feel better about themselves. And if you don't believe me that these events are just mutual masturbation festivals, I give you the Global Orgasm for Peace.
Yes, that's right the Global Orgasm for Peace. December 22nd marks the First Annual Solstice Synchronized Global Orgasm for Peace.
"The mission of the Global Orgasm is to effect change in the energy field of the Earth through input of the largest possible surge of human energy. Now that there are two more US fleets heading for the Persian Gulf with anti- submarine equipment that can only be for use against Iran, the time to change Earth’s energy is NOW!
The intent is that the participants concentrate any thoughts during and after orgasm on peace. The combination of high- energy orgasmic energy combined with mindful intention may have a much greater effect than previous mass meditations and prayers."
Now, I know what you're probably thinking: "Wow, what a fucking crack-pot idea. What do these guys think is going to happen?" Here's my guess.
These guys believe that if they all blow their wad at once, that somewhere in the Atlantic the following scene will play itself out on a nuclear submarine:
[The submarine's captain puts his hand to his head and sits down]
Executive Officer: Are you all right? What's wrong?
Captain: I felt a great disturbance in the Force...as if millions of
voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced. I fear
something terrible has happened.
XO: You mean like innocents being killed?
Captains: No, more like bedsheets being soiled, tissue paper being wasted, and women being left unsatisfied.
Either they think that's a realistic possibility, or it's all a giant scam by a guy whose girlfriend has been reluctant to go all the way.
"Baby, let's go all the way tonight."
"I thought we talked about this, Johnny, I'm just not ready yet."
"I know honey, but...well...it's the Winter Solstice. And when I think about all those children dying in Darfur...well I think maybe you owe it to them to spread your legs for me, don't you?"
That's right kids. Ask not what mankind can do for your penis. Ask what your penis can do for mankind.
posted by drs at 6:12 PM
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