NES v2006
It was a long time ago when video games passed me by. Somewhere around when they added a joystick to my controller was when I lost the ability to compete in that world. So anything I say on the subject should probably be taken with a grain of salt, given that it's coming from a video game fogey like me. Someone to whom the ultimate gaming code is still up down up down left right left right ba ba select start.
(Or was it ab ab? Or just start? Shit, I don't remember, anyway it doesn't matter you can just reset if you fuck it up)
But that said, I don't understand the current gaming culture's obsession with realism. It seems like every game made these days has to be as realistic as possible. Gamers demand that their machine guns recoil and that their football QBs only be able to see within the proper field of vision. The newest version of Madden has a feature in which you can play a single player (such as a wide receiver). But you can't just select what position you play, you have to get parents and then based on their genetics you're position will be determined. Then you play games as that player, blocking if you're a lineman, or covering wideouts if you're a corner, or complaining that the ball doesn't come your way enough if you're a wide receiver.
I don't know about other people, but I didn't play video games for realism. I played video games to escape. Imagine if the games we played were designed with realism in mind? Mario would never have saved a string of identical princesses from turtle...dragon..things. Instead he would have ran around and unclogged toilets. Extra lives would be granted not for finding 100 coins, but for showing 100 housewives your ass-crack.
With that in mind, I present to you, the new Video Games v2006 series, in which classic games are updated to be as realistic as possible.
Dr. Mario v2006: The general gameplay remains the same as classic Dr. Mario, but due to concerns of the over-presciption of anti-biotics, Dr. Mario v2006 strictly regulates how many pills can be used in each stage. Further, the gray/black pill is unusable as FDA approval is pending. Once the player beats level 7, he is sued for malpractive, and the rest of the game is spent litigating.
Punch-Out!!! v2006: The game is identical up until the player fights Mike Tyson, who is now much easier to beat, but will frequently bite off Little Mac's ear. Even if you defeat Tyson, however, Don King steals all your winnings and you wind up alone and severely brain damaged.
Duck Hunt v2006: In addition to massive graphics updates, in Duck Hunt v2006, the ducks appear only once every six hours. Also, instead of being packaged with Mario, Duck Hunt v2006 is packaged with a six-pack of beer.
Tetris v2006: The updated version of Tetris is slightly different than the original, although the overall concept remains similar. Instead of manipulating pieces made of four squares dropped from the top of the screen, the player joins a revolution against the repressive Tsar, only to find that the regime that replaces him is just as corrupt. Lines are still an important part of the game, although instead of accumalting them to "level up" the player waits in them to obtain the essential items needed to survive. Finally, no matter how well the player performs, soldiers grab him in the middle of the night, take him to Siberia, and execute him.
Final Fantasy v2006: This game is actually identical to the original, but in the case of Final Fantasy v2006, no sequels are made.
Track and Field v2006: Players who use their hands to simulate running on the game mat are now found guilty of steroid abuse, and banned from ever playing the game again.
Kirby's Dreamland v2006: In this new version of the NES classic, Kirby...umm...what the fuck is Kirby? Is he like a marshmallow? Or a cloud? Or just like a chubby pink third grader?
Bomberman v2006: Instead of running away from the blasts, the player is encouraged to be a martyr in the fight against the Great Satan, by strapping his bombs to himself and detonating them next to his opponent. Praise Allah!
Desert Commander v2006: The game starts off as normal, but once the player is victorious he finds that he has no clear exit strategy, leading to an increasing death toll in his soldiers and mounting disapproval at home.
Okay, I think I managed to make that sufficiently offensive by the end. I guess the moral of the story is this: Mudflaps don't go on mailboxes.
(Or was it ab ab? Or just start? Shit, I don't remember, anyway it doesn't matter you can just reset if you fuck it up)
But that said, I don't understand the current gaming culture's obsession with realism. It seems like every game made these days has to be as realistic as possible. Gamers demand that their machine guns recoil and that their football QBs only be able to see within the proper field of vision. The newest version of Madden has a feature in which you can play a single player (such as a wide receiver). But you can't just select what position you play, you have to get parents and then based on their genetics you're position will be determined. Then you play games as that player, blocking if you're a lineman, or covering wideouts if you're a corner, or complaining that the ball doesn't come your way enough if you're a wide receiver.
I don't know about other people, but I didn't play video games for realism. I played video games to escape. Imagine if the games we played were designed with realism in mind? Mario would never have saved a string of identical princesses from turtle...dragon..things. Instead he would have ran around and unclogged toilets. Extra lives would be granted not for finding 100 coins, but for showing 100 housewives your ass-crack.
With that in mind, I present to you, the new Video Games v2006 series, in which classic games are updated to be as realistic as possible.
Dr. Mario v2006: The general gameplay remains the same as classic Dr. Mario, but due to concerns of the over-presciption of anti-biotics, Dr. Mario v2006 strictly regulates how many pills can be used in each stage. Further, the gray/black pill is unusable as FDA approval is pending. Once the player beats level 7, he is sued for malpractive, and the rest of the game is spent litigating.
Punch-Out!!! v2006: The game is identical up until the player fights Mike Tyson, who is now much easier to beat, but will frequently bite off Little Mac's ear. Even if you defeat Tyson, however, Don King steals all your winnings and you wind up alone and severely brain damaged.
Duck Hunt v2006: In addition to massive graphics updates, in Duck Hunt v2006, the ducks appear only once every six hours. Also, instead of being packaged with Mario, Duck Hunt v2006 is packaged with a six-pack of beer.
Tetris v2006: The updated version of Tetris is slightly different than the original, although the overall concept remains similar. Instead of manipulating pieces made of four squares dropped from the top of the screen, the player joins a revolution against the repressive Tsar, only to find that the regime that replaces him is just as corrupt. Lines are still an important part of the game, although instead of accumalting them to "level up" the player waits in them to obtain the essential items needed to survive. Finally, no matter how well the player performs, soldiers grab him in the middle of the night, take him to Siberia, and execute him.
Final Fantasy v2006: This game is actually identical to the original, but in the case of Final Fantasy v2006, no sequels are made.
Track and Field v2006: Players who use their hands to simulate running on the game mat are now found guilty of steroid abuse, and banned from ever playing the game again.
Kirby's Dreamland v2006: In this new version of the NES classic, Kirby...umm...what the fuck is Kirby? Is he like a marshmallow? Or a cloud? Or just like a chubby pink third grader?
Bomberman v2006: Instead of running away from the blasts, the player is encouraged to be a martyr in the fight against the Great Satan, by strapping his bombs to himself and detonating them next to his opponent. Praise Allah!
Desert Commander v2006: The game starts off as normal, but once the player is victorious he finds that he has no clear exit strategy, leading to an increasing death toll in his soldiers and mounting disapproval at home.
Okay, I think I managed to make that sufficiently offensive by the end. I guess the moral of the story is this: Mudflaps don't go on mailboxes.
posted by drs at 9:07 PM
1 Comments:
What about ...
The Sims v2006 - A game where everyone watches themselves play the Sims on their computer.
It's much like looking into what happens when you put two mirrors across from each other, except it's got better graphics.
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