Play Ball
In my continuing effort to be sued by ESPN.com, I’ve been debating about doing a Live Game Diary for a big sports event, a la Bill Simmons, for some time now. Well, I figured I wasn’t going to find a bigger sports event than the first Detroit Tigers playoff series since I was three.
8:11 – We’re in a weather delay. Seriously? Seriously? I’ve been waiting 24 hours to watch this stupid game and now I’m in a fucking weather delay?!
8:13 – Well, Fox has returned to some crappy Fox show…I’m not really sure what it is. Meanwhile ESPN is recapping the Mets-Dodgers game. So, for the moment, let’s take a quick break from the Live Game Diary and discuss the series as a whole.
Many of my college friends are from New York, and a select few with the properly evil genetic disposition are in fact Yankees fans. Naturally they were aglow today over last night’s victory, which frankly I just don’t get. How do these people get excited about the Yankees winning? It’s like getting excited when the US Women’s Softball team wins the gold medal. What the fuck did you expect to happen? My high school softball team could beat the National Croatian team (seriously our pitcher was pretty good, she plays college ball here at Michigan now).
Getting excited over a Yankees victory is like if I had gotten all pumped up when we won the Afghani War. Of course we won the Afghani war; it was America versus fucking Afghanistan.
8:17 - Incidentally, ESPN was just recapping the A’s-Twins game and mentioned Milton Bradley in the replay. Which prompted my girlfriend to raise the interesting question: Who the fuck names their kid Milton Bradley? Why would you do that?
8:20 – ESPN has now switched to the studio crew, with Karl Ravech, Tim Kurkjian, and Vernon Wells taking the desk. Has any current player ever looked more awkward than Vernon Wells in these segments? He’s horrible. He sounds like he’s talking through one of those boxes that Stephen Hawking uses.
8:22 – Okay, actually tonight he doesn’t seem that bad. Although he does keep staring at Ravech rather than into the camera, which is annoying.
8:27 – Isn’t it weird that ESPN has a correspondent named Bonnie Bernstein, given that one of the substitute anchors on SportsNight was named Bonnie Bernstein?
8:30 – Okay, well I’m going to take a quick break to do food. I’ll start this up again when something actually happens game wise.
8:33 – ESPN just displayed a graphic that demonstrated that the members of the Yankee lineup average just over 4 all-star games each. I ask again, people get excited when these guys win?
9:40 – Apparently the Rangers’ General Managers is 12 years old. ESPN claims he’s 29, but I’m pretty sure he forged something somewhere along the line.
9:57 – Well, apparently this game has been cancelled until tomorrow, so the live Diary will pick up at 1:00 (while I skip my strategy class…again).
12:54 – Okay folks, we’re about ready to start up again. I’ve filled up on pizza, had a Guinness, and I’m skipping class as we speak.
1:03 – Incidentally: Guinness + Coke + Pizza + Pseudophedrine Sulfate ≠ Brilliant
1:08 – See this is why baseball is so much better on Fox. ESPN is giving me stats like “RBI” and “Batting Average.” Pitiful in comparison to Fox’s “Reads the Bible:” stat. If you didn’t see game 1, we learned from Sean Casey’s bio that he “Reads the Bible: Everyday”. And if you’re anything like me you were desperately hoping that when Fox did Wang’s bio that it would say, “Reads the Bible: Doesn’t, but consults the I Ching on important decisions.”
1:15 – Joe Morgan just told us he doesn’t care for stats. I love baseball players. He followed that up by saying Sean Casey, “Doesn’t run well.” Which is a little like saying John Wayne Gacy didn’t have great people skills.
1:18 – Jon Miller has now added that Casey, “Isn’t really a base-stealing threat.” Sort of the way Mother Teresa isn’t a much of a threat to commit grand theft auto.
1:20 – There’s really nothing that better captures why I hate being a democrat than the Anti-Dick Devos Opera commercial.
1:24 – WE GOT JETER OUT!! WE GOT JETER OUT!! TIGERS WIN THE PENNANT!!
1:25 – Oh, apparently we have to keep playing even after we get Jeter out…doesn’t really seem fair, but whatever.
1:26 – Verlander seems to be wearing a Doggie-Shocking Collar around his neck. Not sure what the hell that thing is. (Doggie-Shocking Collar is in fact a name brand, if you didn’t know).
1:30 – Bases are loaded…and I wish I was too. (That one’s for you, Dave).
1:31- With the bases loaded, here comes A-Rod. According to Bill Simmons, I am guaranteed an out in this circumstance.
1:32 – Right on cue, A-Rod strikes out on three straight pitches. For those keeping track, A-Rod was paid about $10,000 a swing for that at-bat (assuming 50 at-bats this post-season).
1:36 – Pudge had 69 RBI this season…hee hee.
1:39 – TIGERS TAKE THE LEAD!
1:42 – Brandon Inge strikes out to end the inning, Detroit up 1-0. Personally, I blame his facial hair. What the fuck is that “line goatee” thing, and why does he keep making it thinner?
1:50 – Group meeting on the mound. I never understand what the third baseman and shortstop are adding to the conference. What is Guillen saying, “I, uh, I think we should try and get some guys out. Does that sound good to anyone else?” Maybe he’s just telling Inge to find a razor.
1:55 – Inge has some trouble seeing a grounder, breaking on it only at the last second, possibly costing the Tigers a double play. Morgan and Miller don’t understand how he didn’t see it. Probably lost it in his goatee.
1:56 – Miller just called the first two innings a “Long laborious trek for Verlander so far.” That’s the verbal advantage.
1:59 – I like the Tommy Lasorda baseball commercials as much as anyone, but something bothers me about the one with the Indians fans hiding in the closets. The old guy is wearing an Indians shirt and Cincinnati Reds hat. What kind of sports bigamy are they promoting? Whatever happened to values?
2:12 – Simmons had a hard-time putting a finger on Magglio’s hair the other day, but it’s obvious when you watch him jog. It looks exactly like a poodle’s hair as it bounces on his shoulders.
2:18 – Right now ESPN has decided to show the back of a girl’s head while she eats cracker jacks. Just thrilling TV right here. In general I never understand why stations insist on showing so many crowd shots. The only shots of fans I need to see are when either hot women or overweight, shirtless men are excitedly jumping up and down. I want my crowd shots to either turn me on or gross me out, otherwise don’t bother.
2:29 – I hate the Yankess so much.
2:41 – Thank God Johnny Damon throws like a girl.
2:51 – Has ESPN loaned the “Super Slo-Mo” camera to any adult film companies yet? Because watching porn in that way would probably be the single coolest thing I can possibly imagine.
2:53 – Joe Morgan believes that A-Rod’s batting average would be higher if he hadn’t struck out so much. Dynamite analysis Joe.
2:58 – Joe Morgan is impressed that Carlos Guillen’s bat didn’t bend on his home run. He thinks it must be one of those maple bats, a harder bat, nice for keeping it good and firm. And we all know Joe Morgan likes a hard bat. A good thick, firm, hard bat, that never goes limp.
3: 33 – This is a lot harder than Bill Simmons makes it look, in case you’re curious.
3:42 – I enjoy that Budweiser’s new slogan is This is Beer. I think it fits well. Cause sometimes, if I’m at a party drinking Bud from a keg, I forget. “Is this beer? Are you sure? Tastes kind of like piss-water to me. You sure you didn’t just pee in the keg and water it down a little?” Nope, this is beer. No, seriously, it really is beer, we promise.
3:48 – Apparently the Yankees used to let Babe Ruth decide which position he’d play in the outfield so he wouldn’t get the sun in his eyes. See, those are the kinds of demands professional athletes just don’t make anymore. Don’t you wish you could hear this report on ESPN: “Peyton Manning re-signed with the Indianapolis Colts for 6 years, 99-millon dollars and a guarantee that he’d always get an aisle seat on the team plane.”
4:09 – Nothing like a Todd Jones taking the mound with a one-run lead. If I have a heart attack before the end of the game, I leave everything to Scott Baio.
4:13 – I think I’d give my left hand right now to be able to go back in time and make Troy Percival healthy.
4:25 – SERIES TIED UP BITCHES!! I LOVE YOU TODD JONES, YOU FAT PIECE OF SHIT!
4:27 - And now Star Trek: TNG is the one where Q become human. Good day all around.
8:11 – We’re in a weather delay. Seriously? Seriously? I’ve been waiting 24 hours to watch this stupid game and now I’m in a fucking weather delay?!
8:13 – Well, Fox has returned to some crappy Fox show…I’m not really sure what it is. Meanwhile ESPN is recapping the Mets-Dodgers game. So, for the moment, let’s take a quick break from the Live Game Diary and discuss the series as a whole.
Many of my college friends are from New York, and a select few with the properly evil genetic disposition are in fact Yankees fans. Naturally they were aglow today over last night’s victory, which frankly I just don’t get. How do these people get excited about the Yankees winning? It’s like getting excited when the US Women’s Softball team wins the gold medal. What the fuck did you expect to happen? My high school softball team could beat the National Croatian team (seriously our pitcher was pretty good, she plays college ball here at Michigan now).
Getting excited over a Yankees victory is like if I had gotten all pumped up when we won the Afghani War. Of course we won the Afghani war; it was America versus fucking Afghanistan.
8:17 - Incidentally, ESPN was just recapping the A’s-Twins game and mentioned Milton Bradley in the replay. Which prompted my girlfriend to raise the interesting question: Who the fuck names their kid Milton Bradley? Why would you do that?
8:20 – ESPN has now switched to the studio crew, with Karl Ravech, Tim Kurkjian, and Vernon Wells taking the desk. Has any current player ever looked more awkward than Vernon Wells in these segments? He’s horrible. He sounds like he’s talking through one of those boxes that Stephen Hawking uses.
8:22 – Okay, actually tonight he doesn’t seem that bad. Although he does keep staring at Ravech rather than into the camera, which is annoying.
8:27 – Isn’t it weird that ESPN has a correspondent named Bonnie Bernstein, given that one of the substitute anchors on SportsNight was named Bonnie Bernstein?
8:30 – Okay, well I’m going to take a quick break to do food. I’ll start this up again when something actually happens game wise.
8:33 – ESPN just displayed a graphic that demonstrated that the members of the Yankee lineup average just over 4 all-star games each. I ask again, people get excited when these guys win?
9:40 – Apparently the Rangers’ General Managers is 12 years old. ESPN claims he’s 29, but I’m pretty sure he forged something somewhere along the line.
9:57 – Well, apparently this game has been cancelled until tomorrow, so the live Diary will pick up at 1:00 (while I skip my strategy class…again).
12:54 – Okay folks, we’re about ready to start up again. I’ve filled up on pizza, had a Guinness, and I’m skipping class as we speak.
1:03 – Incidentally: Guinness + Coke + Pizza + Pseudophedrine Sulfate ≠ Brilliant
1:08 – See this is why baseball is so much better on Fox. ESPN is giving me stats like “RBI” and “Batting Average.” Pitiful in comparison to Fox’s “Reads the Bible:” stat. If you didn’t see game 1, we learned from Sean Casey’s bio that he “Reads the Bible: Everyday”. And if you’re anything like me you were desperately hoping that when Fox did Wang’s bio that it would say, “Reads the Bible: Doesn’t, but consults the I Ching on important decisions.”
1:15 – Joe Morgan just told us he doesn’t care for stats. I love baseball players. He followed that up by saying Sean Casey, “Doesn’t run well.” Which is a little like saying John Wayne Gacy didn’t have great people skills.
1:18 – Jon Miller has now added that Casey, “Isn’t really a base-stealing threat.” Sort of the way Mother Teresa isn’t a much of a threat to commit grand theft auto.
1:20 – There’s really nothing that better captures why I hate being a democrat than the Anti-Dick Devos Opera commercial.
1:24 – WE GOT JETER OUT!! WE GOT JETER OUT!! TIGERS WIN THE PENNANT!!
1:25 – Oh, apparently we have to keep playing even after we get Jeter out…doesn’t really seem fair, but whatever.
1:26 – Verlander seems to be wearing a Doggie-Shocking Collar around his neck. Not sure what the hell that thing is. (Doggie-Shocking Collar is in fact a name brand, if you didn’t know).
1:30 – Bases are loaded…and I wish I was too. (That one’s for you, Dave).
1:31- With the bases loaded, here comes A-Rod. According to Bill Simmons, I am guaranteed an out in this circumstance.
1:32 – Right on cue, A-Rod strikes out on three straight pitches. For those keeping track, A-Rod was paid about $10,000 a swing for that at-bat (assuming 50 at-bats this post-season).
1:36 – Pudge had 69 RBI this season…hee hee.
1:39 – TIGERS TAKE THE LEAD!
1:42 – Brandon Inge strikes out to end the inning, Detroit up 1-0. Personally, I blame his facial hair. What the fuck is that “line goatee” thing, and why does he keep making it thinner?
1:50 – Group meeting on the mound. I never understand what the third baseman and shortstop are adding to the conference. What is Guillen saying, “I, uh, I think we should try and get some guys out. Does that sound good to anyone else?” Maybe he’s just telling Inge to find a razor.
1:55 – Inge has some trouble seeing a grounder, breaking on it only at the last second, possibly costing the Tigers a double play. Morgan and Miller don’t understand how he didn’t see it. Probably lost it in his goatee.
1:56 – Miller just called the first two innings a “Long laborious trek for Verlander so far.” That’s the verbal advantage.
1:59 – I like the Tommy Lasorda baseball commercials as much as anyone, but something bothers me about the one with the Indians fans hiding in the closets. The old guy is wearing an Indians shirt and Cincinnati Reds hat. What kind of sports bigamy are they promoting? Whatever happened to values?
2:12 – Simmons had a hard-time putting a finger on Magglio’s hair the other day, but it’s obvious when you watch him jog. It looks exactly like a poodle’s hair as it bounces on his shoulders.
2:18 – Right now ESPN has decided to show the back of a girl’s head while she eats cracker jacks. Just thrilling TV right here. In general I never understand why stations insist on showing so many crowd shots. The only shots of fans I need to see are when either hot women or overweight, shirtless men are excitedly jumping up and down. I want my crowd shots to either turn me on or gross me out, otherwise don’t bother.
2:29 – I hate the Yankess so much.
2:41 – Thank God Johnny Damon throws like a girl.
2:51 – Has ESPN loaned the “Super Slo-Mo” camera to any adult film companies yet? Because watching porn in that way would probably be the single coolest thing I can possibly imagine.
2:53 – Joe Morgan believes that A-Rod’s batting average would be higher if he hadn’t struck out so much. Dynamite analysis Joe.
2:58 – Joe Morgan is impressed that Carlos Guillen’s bat didn’t bend on his home run. He thinks it must be one of those maple bats, a harder bat, nice for keeping it good and firm. And we all know Joe Morgan likes a hard bat. A good thick, firm, hard bat, that never goes limp.
3: 33 – This is a lot harder than Bill Simmons makes it look, in case you’re curious.
3:42 – I enjoy that Budweiser’s new slogan is This is Beer. I think it fits well. Cause sometimes, if I’m at a party drinking Bud from a keg, I forget. “Is this beer? Are you sure? Tastes kind of like piss-water to me. You sure you didn’t just pee in the keg and water it down a little?” Nope, this is beer. No, seriously, it really is beer, we promise.
3:48 – Apparently the Yankees used to let Babe Ruth decide which position he’d play in the outfield so he wouldn’t get the sun in his eyes. See, those are the kinds of demands professional athletes just don’t make anymore. Don’t you wish you could hear this report on ESPN: “Peyton Manning re-signed with the Indianapolis Colts for 6 years, 99-millon dollars and a guarantee that he’d always get an aisle seat on the team plane.”
4:09 – Nothing like a Todd Jones taking the mound with a one-run lead. If I have a heart attack before the end of the game, I leave everything to Scott Baio.
4:13 – I think I’d give my left hand right now to be able to go back in time and make Troy Percival healthy.
4:25 – SERIES TIED UP BITCHES!! I LOVE YOU TODD JONES, YOU FAT PIECE OF SHIT!
4:27 - And now Star Trek: TNG is the one where Q become human. Good day all around.
posted by drs at 1:32 PM
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