Why I Shouldn't Have Kids

I'd like to start of this week's post by giving a shout out to one of my new readers.

As my loyal readers may recall, on November 21 I wrote a post where I mentioned, among other things, how ridiculous I thought it was that Mel Kiper thinks Drew Stanton is a good draft pick. Specifically, I was annoyed that Mel Kiper included Drew on his "Big Board", his top 25 potential picks.

Well, on November 22nd, Mel dropped Drew. And I think it's pretty clear what that means.

Mel Kiper reads my blog. So Mel, this post is for you, and your fabulous, fabulous hair.

The Mayo Clinic just released a study that found that men with arthritic knees can suffer more severe pain and cartilage loss if they smoke. My question, is why precisely would anyone care?

Do these doctors think a lot of smokers out there are saying to themselves, "You know, increased risk of heart-disease, chronic lung diseases, emphezema, pnuemonia, abdominal aortic aneurysms, acute myeloid leukemia, various reproductive problems and cancer of the lungs, mouth, throat, larynx, esophagus, bladder, kidneys, pancreas and stomach doesn't bother me all that much. But I fucking HATE it when my knees hurt. I got to kick this shit."

I'm just saying, if lung cancer didn't dissaude you, but severe knee pain does, you might want to rethink your priorities.

In a completely unrelated note, I wanted to share with you all a very funny idea that I and two of my best friends had about 4 or 5 years ago. I'm not sure who started the idea and who refined it or whatever, I just remember that it's fantastic.

Basically, this is the best idea for a practical joke to play on your child that I can possibly imagine. It works best with a girl, but it could go either way.

First, in the first months of your child's life, you cover them in blue body paint. Make sure to take lots of pictures. Only take pictures of your kid when they are painted for the first six months or so. At this point you can stop painting your child.

When your kid grows older, say five or six, look through old photo albums with him/her. Make sure these albums have plenty of pictures where your child is blue. When your kids asks why they're blue, tell them that it's because they have a very rare disease called indidermis. Indidermis causes the pigmentation in the body to change, and turns the entire body blue. Tell them you had them treated when they were a baby, and it got rid of the problem. However, the doctor said that Indidermis can lay dormant for decades before returning. He said you should keep an eye out for any parts of the child turning blue later in life, because it might be the first sign of an outbreak that would be treatable, but probably last for a week or so.

Make sure to keep this story up as your child grows. If necessary, convince friends, teachers and even doctors to be your accomplices (you may need to have friends pose as doctors if your real doctor is too "ethical" for this).

Then, two days before your child's prom while they are sleeping, paint their nose blue.

Now you can sit back and have a good laugh while your daughter or son freaks out over how is life is ruined.