"Let the little one-eyed bastards play"
There are three things I worry about on a routine basis:
(1) The eventual collapse of social security plunging America into economic ruin.
(2) The viruses winning the war against humanity.
(3) America getting into a war like 15 years in the future and the 18-23 year olds of the time being such huge pussies that we get our ass kicked by some shitty-ass third world country like Ethiopia or Canada.
Because I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but recently we’ve begun to coddle our children like the slightest bump on the head would turn them into Christopher Reeves (too soon? too soon?).
Personally, I blame home economics class. Hear me out on this. After years of teenagers being forced to carry around eggs and treat them as if they were children, I think our school system has managed to brainwash parents into believing their kids actually are as fragile as eggs (which explains the recent craze of storing infants in tupperware containers lined with cotton balls).
But whatever the cause, I’m sick of all the safe comfortable playground equipment. What the hell is with the molded plastic all set two feet off the ground? At my elementary school we had something called the “Spider Web”. You probably had it too, although maybe you called it something else. It was basically a geodesic dome (yes I said geodesic dome) made of metal bars connected to metal nodes. Underneath it was a bunch of bare ground, on which the grass had long ago died since it was under a fucking metal dome.
Anyway, I have no idea what the people who built this thing intended for kids to do with it, but I do know what my friends and I used it for: to injure each other in creative ways. Whether it was playing chicken on top of it or playing chicken by hanging down from the top. We played games inside it that involved running at high speeds near the overhanging bars. People jumped off from as near to the top as they dared, we played King of the Spider Web, and generally just gave as many concussions as possible.
And you know what? We’re all fine (with the exception of those of us who are now suffering from multiple personality disorder -ed.) (I think I have schizophrenia, actually, you’re more of another person I imagine than a voice in my head) (Oh, I didn’t realize. Well in that case I’m going to go out for a pizza okay? -ed.) (Sure).
Kids need to get roughed up a little. They need to skin their knees. They need to play dodge ball in gym class and learn how to avoid fast-moving projectiles thrown by the more athletic children. In fact, I greatly appreciate having played dodge ball in elementary school, since it served as good training for all of my classes during middle school.
But little kids don’t play dodge ball anymore. Too violent. And they don’t play other contact sports either. And here’s why I worry about all this: we’re turning our children into pussies.
Emotionally well-developed pussies yes. Pussies with high self-esteem, pussies who respect one another’s individuality and personal space, yes. But still pussies. Big giant freaking pussies.
So what happens if we have to send the pussies into battle? Will they approach the enemy and want to talk to it about how they can affirm one another personal values and respect their respective cultures? (actually that might work, they could bore the enemy to death -ed.)
The only thing that sets my mind at ease is that war is becoming more and more computerized. And if there’s anything that today’s kids are getting better and better at, it’s video games. In fact, video games are the only real outlet kids have left for their violent urges, which might explain the exploding popularities of video games in which you decapitate babies and the such.
Anyway, here’s my suggestion. Let the little fuckers beat the shit out of each other in real life sometimes. Because the only violence we let them take part in is virtual violence, and that doesn’t properly enforce the negative consequences of decapitating babies. So either let the bastards take some aggression in real life or put electrodes in video game controllers that will shock the hell out of them whenever they lose a life.
(1) The eventual collapse of social security plunging America into economic ruin.
(2) The viruses winning the war against humanity.
(3) America getting into a war like 15 years in the future and the 18-23 year olds of the time being such huge pussies that we get our ass kicked by some shitty-ass third world country like Ethiopia or Canada.
Because I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but recently we’ve begun to coddle our children like the slightest bump on the head would turn them into Christopher Reeves (too soon? too soon?).
Personally, I blame home economics class. Hear me out on this. After years of teenagers being forced to carry around eggs and treat them as if they were children, I think our school system has managed to brainwash parents into believing their kids actually are as fragile as eggs (which explains the recent craze of storing infants in tupperware containers lined with cotton balls).
But whatever the cause, I’m sick of all the safe comfortable playground equipment. What the hell is with the molded plastic all set two feet off the ground? At my elementary school we had something called the “Spider Web”. You probably had it too, although maybe you called it something else. It was basically a geodesic dome (yes I said geodesic dome) made of metal bars connected to metal nodes. Underneath it was a bunch of bare ground, on which the grass had long ago died since it was under a fucking metal dome.
Anyway, I have no idea what the people who built this thing intended for kids to do with it, but I do know what my friends and I used it for: to injure each other in creative ways. Whether it was playing chicken on top of it or playing chicken by hanging down from the top. We played games inside it that involved running at high speeds near the overhanging bars. People jumped off from as near to the top as they dared, we played King of the Spider Web, and generally just gave as many concussions as possible.
And you know what? We’re all fine (with the exception of those of us who are now suffering from multiple personality disorder -ed.) (I think I have schizophrenia, actually, you’re more of another person I imagine than a voice in my head) (Oh, I didn’t realize. Well in that case I’m going to go out for a pizza okay? -ed.) (Sure).
Kids need to get roughed up a little. They need to skin their knees. They need to play dodge ball in gym class and learn how to avoid fast-moving projectiles thrown by the more athletic children. In fact, I greatly appreciate having played dodge ball in elementary school, since it served as good training for all of my classes during middle school.
But little kids don’t play dodge ball anymore. Too violent. And they don’t play other contact sports either. And here’s why I worry about all this: we’re turning our children into pussies.
Emotionally well-developed pussies yes. Pussies with high self-esteem, pussies who respect one another’s individuality and personal space, yes. But still pussies. Big giant freaking pussies.
So what happens if we have to send the pussies into battle? Will they approach the enemy and want to talk to it about how they can affirm one another personal values and respect their respective cultures? (actually that might work, they could bore the enemy to death -ed.)
The only thing that sets my mind at ease is that war is becoming more and more computerized. And if there’s anything that today’s kids are getting better and better at, it’s video games. In fact, video games are the only real outlet kids have left for their violent urges, which might explain the exploding popularities of video games in which you decapitate babies and the such.
Anyway, here’s my suggestion. Let the little fuckers beat the shit out of each other in real life sometimes. Because the only violence we let them take part in is virtual violence, and that doesn’t properly enforce the negative consequences of decapitating babies. So either let the bastards take some aggression in real life or put electrodes in video game controllers that will shock the hell out of them whenever they lose a life.
posted by drs at 1:41 PM
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