Some Sports Stuff
Having been on a bit of a writing hiatus after finishing the novel (email me if you want to read it...assuming you know me and have my email...if not fuck off), I haven't much posted to the blog recently, and a couple of people have commented on that fact. The good news, for them, is that I've finally written a new post.
The bad news, for them, is that it's mainly about sports. Sorry, there's just a lot in the sports world to talk about right now.
First things first, why do guards on other teams never learn not to expose the ball to Lindsey Hunter? Seriously, the guy has to average a steal a game, and he barely plays 10 minutes. Newsflash to the NBA: He will take the rock if you let him. Don't other teams have film of the Pistons? Don't they have scouting reports? Shouldn't Pat Riley call White Chocolate (Jason Williams for those unversed in the GREATEST SPORTS NICKNAME EVER...seriously, White Chocolate, that's fucking fantastic)...anyway should Riley call him over when Lindsey checks in and say "Hey dipshit, I know he's old and whatnot, but he's really good at taking the ball, so try and not let that happen."
Continuing on with some Pistons discussion, two questions. First (and I know this gets asked a lot) how do you get into the NBA without being able to make a free throw? Seriously...how did Ben even make his high school basketball team? I mean, I realize he's built like a beast, but it seems like the coach should have taken him aside and suggested that maybe he should look into playing Linebacker instead of basketball. Surely, over the course of warm-ups, practices, individual training, and games, Ben has shot the ball thousands upon thousands of times. (I would think so, but don't call me Shirley -ed.) So why does it seem like half of the guys I play lightning with could do better from the FT line, even given being in front of 20,000 people, than Ben does?
Secondly, what the hell is Tayshaun doing during the half a minute or so between when he catches the ball and when he shoots it? Is he just the least decisive person ever? Does he have some Buddhist chant he has to do before he shoots? What the fuck?
Speaking of what the fuck, has everyone heard the Danny Almonte news? For those unaware of Danny Almonte, he was the kid who was tearing up the Little League World Series a few years ago, and then they found out he was 14 and not 12, which is a big Little League no-no. Anyway, he's now 19. He's also now married. Which is creepy enough to me, but get this. His wife is 30. 30. Three-Oh. 30. Not a type folks. She is 30. Her kid, who is now Danny's stepchild, is 12. Which makes Danny just 7 years older than his stepchild. It's plausible that they could have gone to grade school together.
And more to the point, Danny just graduated high school...what high schooler has the cajones to ask out women in their late twenties? Where does a teenager even meet women in their late twenties? What exactly is your pick-up strategy?
Last sports comment for the post, I wanted to talk briefly about The King, LBJ, Mr. Lebron James. Now, a lot of people around Michigan got on Lebron's case a lot during the playoffs, largely because of all the media attention lavished on a kid who has never actually won much of anything (the prestigious All-Star Game MVP Trophy aside). I'm not into that, largely because I like Lebron a lot, I think he's doing a stellar job of handling both the spotlight (you never hear him say something in an interview that makes you go, "Aw dammit Lebron, that was a dumbass thing to say," unlike many other NBA stars) as well as the pressure (the chronic nail-biting aside...which has the definite potential to turn into full-fledged dementia).
While I'm on the subject of Lebron, I believe this summer, when Cleveland asks him to sign the contract extension, he should do what I believe every franchise-defining athlete should do, hold the team for fucking ransom. And I don't mean money, the Cavs will already throw all the money they can at him, I mean extra benefits. For starters, QuickenLoans is a shitty name for a stadium, and Lebron should demand it be renamed. My personal suggestion: The Lebron. Seriously, how cool would it be to tune into NBA games and here Mike Tirico say, "We're here at The Lebron..." Alternatively he should demand the team be renamed the Cleveland Lebrons. Or that a giant image of his face replace the Cavs logo on the court. Or that Ilgauskas change his first name to something easier to pronounce. Whatever, I don't really care, just have some fun with the negotiation is all I'm saying, see what they're willing to do.
Anyway, getting back to why I don't agree with getting on Lebron, it's that it's not like he's the guy walking around saying "Hot Damn I'm good. I'm the next fucking MJ. I'm the greatest who ever lived." (He's probably thinking that though, and quite frankly he should be, cause if he's not he won't be the next MJ...by which I mean Magic by the by)
It's not like he came up with the Witness campaign, Nike did, so there's no reason to throw it in his face every six seconds.
That being said however, I have a fantastic idea for a new Nike commercial.
It should start with a shot of an empty QuickenLoans arena in Cleveland, and then show Lebron playing video games at his house, watching the Miami/Detroit series, going out to bars with Ilgauskas and hitting on girls (and preferably Lebron would buy some girl a drink and say, "You know, people say I'm going to be the next Jordan"), and finally shaving off that ridiculous throat beard. And then they can flash that "We are all witnesses" slogan, before closing with a shot of Lebron sitting on the couch in his boxers eating cheetos and watching South Park.
Speaking of commercials, I want to take a moment to note how many great commercials are out there right now. The new VW commercials with the horrifying crashes are fantastic. I've never seen commercials that I considered emotionally jarring, and I think it's just a brilliant idea. More companies should get into this.
Also, I love the new Mac commercials with John Hodgman and that kid from Dodgeball. No individual one is that great, but I appreciate that they filmed about a dozen so I get to see new ones a lot, rather than watch the same damn commercial for six months.
And this is the problem with things like TiVo and XM radio: they cut out the commercials. And say what you will about the number of shitty ones (and they are plentiful) the good ones are often better than the crapass television I'm actually watching.
Being summer, the radio has started, once again, to play the greatest radio commercials ever created. I'm speaking of course of the Bud Light "Real American Heroes" commercials. So you can keep your fucking 700 digital stations that never stop playing music and sports talk and whatever, because I need to hear that guy talk about hot dog eating contest winners and how great they are while a dude croons "Someone get me to the bathroom" in the background. (If you haven't heard this one yet, get in your car, turn it on, and don't leave it until you hear it, trust me, it's worth it)
The bad news, for them, is that it's mainly about sports. Sorry, there's just a lot in the sports world to talk about right now.
First things first, why do guards on other teams never learn not to expose the ball to Lindsey Hunter? Seriously, the guy has to average a steal a game, and he barely plays 10 minutes. Newsflash to the NBA: He will take the rock if you let him. Don't other teams have film of the Pistons? Don't they have scouting reports? Shouldn't Pat Riley call White Chocolate (Jason Williams for those unversed in the GREATEST SPORTS NICKNAME EVER...seriously, White Chocolate, that's fucking fantastic)...anyway should Riley call him over when Lindsey checks in and say "Hey dipshit, I know he's old and whatnot, but he's really good at taking the ball, so try and not let that happen."
Continuing on with some Pistons discussion, two questions. First (and I know this gets asked a lot) how do you get into the NBA without being able to make a free throw? Seriously...how did Ben even make his high school basketball team? I mean, I realize he's built like a beast, but it seems like the coach should have taken him aside and suggested that maybe he should look into playing Linebacker instead of basketball. Surely, over the course of warm-ups, practices, individual training, and games, Ben has shot the ball thousands upon thousands of times. (I would think so, but don't call me Shirley -ed.) So why does it seem like half of the guys I play lightning with could do better from the FT line, even given being in front of 20,000 people, than Ben does?
Secondly, what the hell is Tayshaun doing during the half a minute or so between when he catches the ball and when he shoots it? Is he just the least decisive person ever? Does he have some Buddhist chant he has to do before he shoots? What the fuck?
Speaking of what the fuck, has everyone heard the Danny Almonte news? For those unaware of Danny Almonte, he was the kid who was tearing up the Little League World Series a few years ago, and then they found out he was 14 and not 12, which is a big Little League no-no. Anyway, he's now 19. He's also now married. Which is creepy enough to me, but get this. His wife is 30. 30. Three-Oh. 30. Not a type folks. She is 30. Her kid, who is now Danny's stepchild, is 12. Which makes Danny just 7 years older than his stepchild. It's plausible that they could have gone to grade school together.
And more to the point, Danny just graduated high school...what high schooler has the cajones to ask out women in their late twenties? Where does a teenager even meet women in their late twenties? What exactly is your pick-up strategy?
Last sports comment for the post, I wanted to talk briefly about The King, LBJ, Mr. Lebron James. Now, a lot of people around Michigan got on Lebron's case a lot during the playoffs, largely because of all the media attention lavished on a kid who has never actually won much of anything (the prestigious All-Star Game MVP Trophy aside). I'm not into that, largely because I like Lebron a lot, I think he's doing a stellar job of handling both the spotlight (you never hear him say something in an interview that makes you go, "Aw dammit Lebron, that was a dumbass thing to say," unlike many other NBA stars) as well as the pressure (the chronic nail-biting aside...which has the definite potential to turn into full-fledged dementia).
While I'm on the subject of Lebron, I believe this summer, when Cleveland asks him to sign the contract extension, he should do what I believe every franchise-defining athlete should do, hold the team for fucking ransom. And I don't mean money, the Cavs will already throw all the money they can at him, I mean extra benefits. For starters, QuickenLoans is a shitty name for a stadium, and Lebron should demand it be renamed. My personal suggestion: The Lebron. Seriously, how cool would it be to tune into NBA games and here Mike Tirico say, "We're here at The Lebron..." Alternatively he should demand the team be renamed the Cleveland Lebrons. Or that a giant image of his face replace the Cavs logo on the court. Or that Ilgauskas change his first name to something easier to pronounce. Whatever, I don't really care, just have some fun with the negotiation is all I'm saying, see what they're willing to do.
Anyway, getting back to why I don't agree with getting on Lebron, it's that it's not like he's the guy walking around saying "Hot Damn I'm good. I'm the next fucking MJ. I'm the greatest who ever lived." (He's probably thinking that though, and quite frankly he should be, cause if he's not he won't be the next MJ...by which I mean Magic by the by)
It's not like he came up with the Witness campaign, Nike did, so there's no reason to throw it in his face every six seconds.
That being said however, I have a fantastic idea for a new Nike commercial.
It should start with a shot of an empty QuickenLoans arena in Cleveland, and then show Lebron playing video games at his house, watching the Miami/Detroit series, going out to bars with Ilgauskas and hitting on girls (and preferably Lebron would buy some girl a drink and say, "You know, people say I'm going to be the next Jordan"), and finally shaving off that ridiculous throat beard. And then they can flash that "We are all witnesses" slogan, before closing with a shot of Lebron sitting on the couch in his boxers eating cheetos and watching South Park.
Speaking of commercials, I want to take a moment to note how many great commercials are out there right now. The new VW commercials with the horrifying crashes are fantastic. I've never seen commercials that I considered emotionally jarring, and I think it's just a brilliant idea. More companies should get into this.
Also, I love the new Mac commercials with John Hodgman and that kid from Dodgeball. No individual one is that great, but I appreciate that they filmed about a dozen so I get to see new ones a lot, rather than watch the same damn commercial for six months.
And this is the problem with things like TiVo and XM radio: they cut out the commercials. And say what you will about the number of shitty ones (and they are plentiful) the good ones are often better than the crapass television I'm actually watching.
Being summer, the radio has started, once again, to play the greatest radio commercials ever created. I'm speaking of course of the Bud Light "Real American Heroes" commercials. So you can keep your fucking 700 digital stations that never stop playing music and sports talk and whatever, because I need to hear that guy talk about hot dog eating contest winners and how great they are while a dude croons "Someone get me to the bathroom" in the background. (If you haven't heard this one yet, get in your car, turn it on, and don't leave it until you hear it, trust me, it's worth it)
posted by drs at 8:19 PM
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