DayQuil Rules

Apparently a new blood test that screens for EPCA-2 could soon replace the standard PSA test for prostate cancer. You can read about it here: http://abcnews.go.com/Health/CancerPreventionAndTreatment/story?id=3079649&page=1

According to the article, this new test seems to create fewer false positives, while also catching a higher percentage of cases, even in the earliest stages of the cancer, blah blah specificity of tests blah blah medical jargon blah blah blah.

Unfortuantely the article doesn't answer the only question I actually have about the test: does it involve the doctor sticking his hand in my ass? Because I have been worried about my physician sticking his fingers in my sphincter since I turned 16 (neurotic much? -ed).

Look, I'm all for catching cancer cases early on and saving lives and all that jazz. And if that means getting my pooper scoped out every year, than that's how I'll roll. But if the medical community can test for prostate cancer just by taking some blood, that's the best news since they put DayQuil into pill form.

In other science news, Stephen Hawking took a ride on a Zero-G plane. Which is cool. I feel like there should be a weightless parapalegic pun to make... but I'm either not clever enough or not evil enough to come up with it. Not sure which.

And of course last night was the first of many many debates in the 2008 primary season. I came very close to orgasming part way through. I'm just saying, Joe Biden is a very attractive man. I tell you what always depresses me about primary season though, is seeing Dennis Kucinich in the debates. Cause everybody rips on Kucinich because he's so short. More than once I've heard him referred to as "munchkin-like". Kucinich is 5'7". I'm 5'6". Although, in my defense, I'm much less creepy than him.

First Lady, Second Lady, Third Lady...

The most exciting presidential election since 1928 continues to roll on, with a rather interesting episode taking place the other day. In a townhouse meeting, John McCain answered a question about dealing with Iran by parodying the Beach Boys' "Barabra Ann", singing "Bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb Iran." I shit you not, here's the YouTube clip:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o-zoPgv_nYg

John, who the fuck is advising you on this campaign, Don Imus? Seriously, what the hell happened to you? Making cozy with the Religious Right, coming out strongly in support of the Iraqi War, pro-life, and now pro-bombing Iran (and even worse, pro-Beach Boys). It's like Senator McCain was replaced by a pod person in 2003 or so.

In fairness to the Senator, the question he was asked did include the phrase "air mail to Tehran" and he was speaking to a military crowd that I'm sure is in fact pro-bombing Iran. But that's largely beside the point, because it's not like the pundits and reporters are going to carefully explain that. They'll just show a clip of him doing a cappella foreign policy.

So, having lost he moderate vote, gotten his ass kicked on fundraising, and generally trailing in all the polls, McCain has apparently decided to court the elusive "crazy mother-fucker" vote.

Personally, I'm about ready to call the race for McCain, which leaves us with two viable candidates from the Republicans: Rudy Giuliani and Mitt Romney.

Let's take a look at Rudy first. There is no way in HELL this man could ever be elected President. Ignoring the fact that many people will feel that being a mayor (even of NYC) isn't enough experience, ignoring that he's far too moderate to win the Republican primary (although I grant he could simply run to the right, and no one would really know he had ever moved), a simple fact remains: He's in no way shape or form presidential.

Look at the guy: he's short, he's balding, he has squinty eyes and big ears. He looks like he should be selling used cars, not running the free world. And moreover, can you imagine anyone introducing "President Giuliani?" I don't think so. President Ford. President Carter. President Clinton. President Giuliani? Hell no. And if that wasn't bad enough, the first name Rudy, is going to fucking kill him. In this country we elect Georges and Bills and Rons and Jims. Not Rudys.

Okay, no take a look at Romney. Frankly, Mitt Romney isn't the most presidential name ever either, but other than that, the guy could looks more presidential than anyone I've ever seen. He's young-looking enough to look vibrant, but old-looking enough to look experience. He's got that dark hair with grey streaks that just screams executive. Also his hair looks like it could deflect a bullet, which voters like.

Plus I heard the guy speak the other day and he's damn fine speaker, very likable, seems to know his shit pretty well. All in all, this is definitely the guy I'd put my money on to be elected president in 2008.

Except for one little thing: he's Mormon. Despite the fact that it's absurd, people aren't really comfortable with Mormons. It's interesting that every is talking about the possibility of the first black president, or the first woman president, and whether or not people would be willing to vote for Obama or Clinton. Personllay though, I think the big question is, are we ready for a Mormon in the White House? Also, how do you decide which wife is the "First" lady?

(In all seriousness, Romney, like most Mormons, is not polygamist. But that's a good example of the sort of joke you'd hear again and again during a Romney campaign.)

The Datesume

In the past couple of months I’ve been both (a) going on a number of first dates and (b) going on a number of job interviews. As has been frequently noted by any number of people, the two have a great deal in common. And the similarities have led me to what I believe is an intriguing concept that we should implement as soon as possible: the dating resume.

Basically a dating resume would include all the useful information that you want to know about your date in a clear and concise format. Just like a work resume, the dating resume would allow you to quickly make decisions about who is and is not qualified for the position (or perhaps multiple positions…what an old, lame joke. I wouldn’t even make it, but I’m contractually obligated as a licensed humorist to make that pun in this particular situation).

The following is a sampling of information the dating resume could include.

Objective: We’ve all been in relationships where, after a while, we realized that the other person just isn’t looking for the same thing we are. Maybe they’re not really ready for a long-term commitment right now. Or maybe they’re waaay too ready for one. The objective part of the DateSume™ would allow potential couples to immediately check if they’re both looking for something long-term, casual dating, maybe just casual sex and someone to snuggle with… or maybe just rough kinky sex after which you throw your partner out of your apartment. The point is, they could both be on the same page.

Past Experience: Let’s face it, it can be awkward figuring out exactly what everyone has and has not done before, especially in the bedroom. Rather than facing the risky “try-it-and-see-if-you-get-yelled-at-or-not” phase of the relationship, the Past Experience section allows partners to lay out all of their previous relationships along with what responsibilities they performed in them. Further, partners could highlight responsibilities they particularly enjoyed or did not enjoy having. (Please note, the makers of DateSume™ do not recommend divulging past experiences that may be potentially frightening to new partners.)

Recommendations: But the fact of the matter is, anybody can just lie to make himself or herself sound better. The true test of someone’s character is can they convince other people to lie to make them sound better as well. A letter of recommendation from a past significant other, a congressman you slept with once, or a cousin who has funny feelings about you could ease your new partner’s worries about you.

A Tale of Two Messiahs

As a warning: the first half of this post is devoted to me rambling about politics, for those interested only in me mocking crazy people, you should skip the next seven paragraphs or so.

As you should all know by now, I'm a political wonk, and I am therefore loving every minute of the build-up to the 2008 presidential election. Well, the end of March marked the end of the first financial quarter of the election season, meaning candidates filed their reports. At first, there were few surprises, Hillary banked, pulling in $26 million, Edwards trailed far behind. McCain's getting his ass kicked money-wise, but he was slow to start this time around (although you might be surprised to learn Mitt Romney is outpacing Giuliani at the moment, personally I wasn't). All pretty hum-drum at first, except that Obama wasn't reporting. And then he still wasn't reporting, and yesterday he still hadn't reported and the buzz grew. Well today he dropped the bomb.

In the first quarter Obama pulled in $25 million, leaving him just $1 million shy of Senator Clinton. Now, your initial reaction might be to say, "You gave us all that build-up to tell us he's in second? What the fuck?" But politics is ALL about expectations, and NOBODY expected Obama to raise this much.

I can thing of plenty of negative things to say about Senator Clinton, but I can't deny that the Clintons make the political machine move like nobody else. They eat up donations. They're barely human. So that Obama, as new to the scene as he is, is pacing Hillary is HUGE news.

Here are some other interesting facts:

Obama had over 100,000 individual donors, compared to Hillary's 50,000.
90% of Obama's donations were under $100
50% were from the internet
Obama claims to have received no money from registered lobbyists OR Politcal Action Committees

Now, many of you may not find that last fact to be all that interesting, but trust me, it is. PACs are those groups named things like "We Love Cute Bunnies and Hate Pollution" formed by corporations like MassChemical Pollutants Co. They are limited to $10,000 in donations, but a single company can make as many PACs as it likes (and to be fair many PACs are NGOs and other special interests). So basically they can fund people without limit. Taking no money from PACs means a pretty big hit to you figures.

So what does all this add up to? Well, a little bit of hope I guess. You've all heard me champion Obama on this blog before (a bit too frequently these days I admit), but it has been with the acceptance that, in all likelihood, he simply isn't a viable candidate yet (because he's black...shhh, don't tell anybody).

But these figures really do suggest a grassroots movement behind the guy that's larger than even I had expected. I'm starting to wonder now if maybe it is possible for him to win. Which excites me partially because I like him, but much more so because it makes the race waaaay more interesting.

RIGHT HERE! This is where I start making fun of crazy people, if you're in the "skip Devin sucking Obama's dick again" camp. Apparently, there is a man named Jose Luis De Jesus Miranda who claims to be the second coming of Jesus Christ.

He's been in the news recently because a few dozen of his followers got '666' tattoos in defiance of Revelations prophecy (for those who aren't up on their Armaggedon, 666 is supposedly the number of the beast and people will receive the mark of the beast during the rise of the Antichrist). According to them, Christ killed the Devil when he was crucified, and both the numbers 666 and the Antichrist himself are misinterpreted.

In fact, De Jesus Miranda claims to BE the Antichrist as well as being Jesus (which, if I remember my Star Trek correctly, means he would explode if he came into contact with himself...that has to be awkward). Anyway, he also claims that there is no Devil or sin, and his followers are incapable of doing wrong in God's eyes.

First off, I think if I was a tattoo artist I'd probably refuse to give people 666 tattoos. I mean, I don't really go for the whole Revelations Prophecy thing, but I try to stay on the safe side. So I have sort of a "no-bringing-on-the-rise-of-the-Antichrist" policy. I don't give people the mark of the beast, I try to avoid breeding pale horses, and if I kidnap people I try to keep it under 144,000. Just as a precaution.

Secondly, De Jesus Miranda drives a BMW and has three diamond encrusted Rolexes. Because, as it is written in Usher 4:13, "And Lo, Jesus did love his bling. And verily did he floss his ice to the multitudes."

Oh, by the way, Miranda is an ex-heroin addict. I'm sure you all remember the parable of the pearl and the eight-ball of smack. And this guy has over 10,000 followers.

Incidentally, Jesus isn't so good at HTML coding apparently. Check out his website http://www.cegenglish.com/ and its many broken links. Oh, and Jesus isn't great with his grammar or punctuation either, as evidenced by the following message on pages still being built: "You are blessed !, this is the best day of your life. This page is temporary under construction."

Still, Jesus does link to free email service, so that's nice of him.

But I bet Obama would do the same.