Christmas Post

This is the first post to be written directly on the Blogsite, which is kind of exciting for us here at the FMRC. And you might be asking yourself "what's this 'us' shit white man?" to which I have three responses:

1. My aren't you quite the racist.
2. The line is "what's this we shit" not "what's this us shit"
3. This us shit is the introduction of a new character...persona...role (schizophrenic delusion that exists only in your mind -ed.)

Well there he is folks, Ed. Ed is not, as others have previously assumed, an editor of any sort, so sorry if you thought for a moment that the language on these things might be brought all the way to the seventh grade level or so.

And since this is a very special Christmas Rambling...err a very special Holiday Rambling...Seasonal Rambling...Wintertime Rambling...Rambling that is in no way associated with the birth of Christ, especially since all reliable historical evidence suggests that it would have been summer when he was born.

Anyway, since it's a special Rambling that happens to come near December 25th, I think we all know what the introduction of a new character means (the ramblings have jumped the shark? -ed.) No, it means that Ed will do something incredibly short-sighted and stupid that completely ruins the holiday (Long Island Egg Nog seemed like such a good idea at the time -ed.) and then we'll have to be worried that there won't be any Christmas...but wait! Scott Baio's here to save Christmas! (wow special guest star...we must have gotten a budget increase -ed.) (not really, I'm Scott Baio, I'm working for a can of cheese whiz and an old boot. What the fuck else do I have to do? It was either appear in this Rambling or spend Christmas with a hooker -Scott Baio) (we can't do both? -ed.)

You see kids, that's your brain on two weeks worth of finals and marketing projects. Now drugs don't look so bad do they? (I've got some H if you want any -Scott Baio) (now who's in charge Charles? The drugs are, that's who -ed.)

Anyway, before I get into my thoughts on the holiday season, I wanted to mention that I went to put air in my tire today and was met with a dreadful surprise. Air now costs 50 cents everywhere I went. What the fuck? It's air. I have to pay for air? Is there an air shortage driving prices up that I wasn't aware of? Keep in mind, it's not oxygen, you might have a hard time getting oxygen, it's FUCKING AIR.

Okay, enough Bah Humbugery for one X-mas post. Here are my X-mas thoughts for the day:

1. X-mas sounds like a way more badass holiday than Christmas. "What'd you get for Christmas Billy?" "I got an action figure." "What'd you get for X-mas Zebediah?" "I got a flame thrower." Notice that the child who celebrates X-mas not only got a better present, but a better name too. (plus he's amish apparently, so the flame thrower is a manual, not an automatic. Automatic flame throwers are for pussies -ed.)

2. I know I already mentioned this, but I think WNIC needs to cut back on how early they start the Christmas music. I love Christmas music (although I find the worst Christmas songs get played the most), but fucking hell people. You played Christmas music starting Nov 1. That means you played it for two whole months. That means 16% of what you played this year was Christmas music. Motherfucker.

3. Typing these on my parents' computer is really fucking annoying, because it keeps pausing so I don't see what I typed for like three seconds.

4. I hate to weigh in on the Merry Christmas versus Happy Holidays debate, because the Daily Show has done so much material on it these past few weeks. But I do have this thought about it. I'm Christian...well I celebrate Christmas anyway...so this is total speculation (you're not Jewish? -ed.) No, I was baptized Catholic. (are you sure? You look pretty Jewish to me -ed.) No, I'm not sure; it's possible I am an Irish Jew. Of which there are zero. Anyway, I celebrate X-mas, so I can't be sure, but I think if I didn't that the phrase Happy Holidays would annoy me more than Merry Christmas.

Because while Merry Christmas could be interpreted to be this arrogant assumption that everyone celebrates Christmas, Happy Holidays seems worse to me. Because that phrase seems to suggest that your holidays are all basically the same as Christmas, so since they fall near it we'll just lump them all in together and act like they're a package deal. And my response to that would be "Fuck you, my holiday isn't some Christmas add-on".

Of course all that being said, anyone who gets offended when someone else wishes them (essentially) happiness and good cheer, whatever the words might be, has a lump of coal for a heart. So sucks to be them.

4. And last but not least, there was a comment in Lore Sjoberg's lorebrandcomics that I enjoyed and wanted to share. And the poll this thing refers to is an actual Newsweek poll. You can go check out the comic yourself (I recommend both the comics and the Book of Ratings both of which can be found at slumbering.lungfish.com) but the visuals are unimportant (just a dude standing there).

The text is as follows:

"A Newsweek poll found that 67 percent of all Americans believe in the virgin birth of Jesus and 82 percent believe that Jesus is the Son of God."

"..."

"So fifteen percent believe that God came down and fucked the living shit out of Mary."

And on that pleasant thought, I'll close this post. Have a wonderful Christmas or Hanukah or Ramadan (although probably a less wonderful one, since fasting all the time has to suck...although I don't know for sure that Ramadan is still going at this point) or just a good week off from school or work (hopefully).

The Ramblings will return in the new year (and good news, I'm working again, which will probably mean more frequent posting, since I’ll have little else to do), until then "'Glory to God in the highest, and on Earth peace, good will toward men'. That's what Christmas is all about, Charlie brown."

(And if you thought I was going to do a whole Christmas post without quoting A Charlie Brown Christmas, than you're nuts)

A Few Random Sports Thoughts

Iuck the Frish
With a last name like Sullivan, it isn't easy to say this, but there's no team on the planet I hate more than the Irish.

My hatred for Notre Dame runs as far back as I can remember, and deeper than my distaste for any other team. MSU? I love MSU. I love watching them build up expectation for several weeks, lose to us, and then piss away the rest of their season. What a bunch of headcases. Ohio State? Oh I hate Ohio State all right. But that's just a rivalry thing. I hate them because they're the other perennial Big Ten power, because of all the championships they've stolen from us (and vice-versa). I don't hate anything about the school really. The Yankees? Sure I hate the Yankees, but I'm a Tigers fan, so the last important baseball game my favorite team played in was a few days after I was born. And it's hard for a fetus to develop a proper amount of hatred.

But The Gold and Green? Ummm....Gold and Blue? Gold and white? What the fuck, would you people pick some colors already?

And if the color confusion wasn't bad enough, how about the cultural one? Why is a school named after a cathedral in France named the Fighting Irish? Shouldn't you people just be called St. Patrick's College or something? Maybe Pass the Potatoes U?

And what the hell is with the scotsman in you marching band?

But all that stuff is only skin-deep. My hatred for Notre Dame is about one thing only: The ridiculous sense of entitlement that school feels.

I hate watching a crappy second-rate team get coverage on NBC every other Saturday just because they were Notre Dame. I hate listening to people call them "America's Football School" when the haven't won a National Championship in my lifetime. I hate that the BCS has a Notre Dame clause in it's regulations. I hate that Notre Dame is going to make a BCS bowl when Ohio State, Auburn, Georgia, and Oregon are all way more deserving of it. Notre Dame beat who precisely? Us. That's it. And that was just before we lost to Wisconsin and Minnesota. Very impressive. If you're biggest mark on your resume is LOSING to USC, then why the hell are you in the BCS? They lost to State for heaven's sake.

But I do like Charlie Weis. And I hope he brings Notre Dame back to national glory. And I hope they make the National Championship game next year. And I hope we're their waiting for them, and Mike Hart shows them his backside for 300 yards or so. And then I hope the NCAA finds out Notre Dame's entire school (not football team, school) is on steroids, and officially throws them out of the association.

Joe Thornton and Why Hockey is Fucked

For those who haven't been watching ESPN recently, Joe Thornton of the Boston Bruins was traded to the San Jose Sharks (read about it here). This trade is so earth-shattering that Sportscenter compared it to Willie Mays being traded to the Mets. And frankly I only have one thing to say about it:

Who the fuck is Joe Thornton?

Seriously, I've never even heard of this guy. Is he any good? Haven't the Bruins sucked since like Bobby Orr? How can he be that great if I've never even heard of him?

And this my friends, is why Hockey is fucked. Because the problem wasn't salary structure. And it isn't an oversaturation of the market. It's that guys like me, guys who LOVE sports, who will watch any random damn thing ESPN shows (spelling bees, darts, trick shot pool, hell I've watched chess) don't like hockey very much. We just don't like it. And you can make all the rule changes you want, and we still won't like it. Don't know why, just don't.

Unless of course you mean college hockey, in which case T.J. Hensick is my boy.

Mr. Soriano Goes to Washington

It's December folks, and we all know what that means.
No, not College Football Conference Championships.
No, not the Lions being out of playoff contention.
No, not Shaq being injured.
No, not NASCAR having it's brief three day off-season.
No, not the first Portland Trailblazer getting caught for blazing it up this season.

Okay, look, it means Winter Meeting for Baseball. Hot stove? Big trades? Free agents getting paid way too much money? Look, I know there's snow all over the ground, and the national pasttime isn't necessarily on all our minds, but let's try and focus shall we people?

Brief thoughts on this year's off-season:

Super-excited that Mike Piazza is being let go bye the Mets. I'm hoping this will propel him back into the commentary booth. Did anyone see him during the playoffs? The man made more comments that could roughly be translated as "I'm totally not gay". It was freaking hilarious. I would pay good money if Mike Piazza got on baseball tonight. "Seriously, guys, I think Jason Giambi looks a lot slimmer this year...not that I spend a lot of time looking at Jason Giambi...or any time, I mean I just hear his weight you know...on the wire...man how about that Anna Benson huh?"

Why on earth would Boston trade Manny? Guys, let me give you a heads-up. By April, Manny won't even remember that he asked to be traded. He's a loon. He has no idea where he is. I tell you what, drape some Ivy on the Green Monster and tell him he got traded to the Cubs.

The Unbearable Difficulties of Being a Fan

It's hard to be a fan. People don't appreciate this. My (female) housemates who complain that all I do is sit on my ass watching sporting events don't realize that it's not easy to devote yourself to sports the way a fan has to.

First off, there's just the scheduling nightmares. It isn't easy to organize your saturday plans to make sure you're home to watch the Miami/Va Tech game and still make it out for partying. And staying up until 2 in the morning every night when the Pistons are out on the West Coast can start to add up after a while. Or you get into a month like October, where you can barely find time to eat between baseball playoffs, football Sundays, College Gamedays, and golf...okay maybe not golf. And that's not even mentioning international events. Do you have any idea how difficult it is to plan for the World Cup? Last time I literally had to go to sleep at like 9, set my alarm for 2, and drive over to my friend's house to watch the USA/Mexico match...and when I ran around the next day screaming about our victory, most people had no idea what I was talking about. Cretins.

Plus if you're a big enough fan, eventually you're going to find yourself rooting for mutually contradictory things. This weekend my Lions are playing the Arizona Cardinals. Now I obviously want us to win, but the thing is I have Larry Fitzgerald on my fantasy team, so I also want us to give up about 350 yards passing (preferably all to Larry). Or what about if Wisconsin wins this week, MSU loses, OSU wins, and Michigan wins. Then, should Michigan beat OSU, I'll find myself watching the PSU/MSU game in the following light: If MSU loses they don't go to a bowl (oh happy day), but if they win Michigan is Big Ten champs. Now here I know what to do, bite my tongue and root for MSU. But I'm not entirely sure I can manage that without throwing up. Or what about the Knicks this year? On one hand, I find myself wishing them the best, because I love LB and want him to continue to do well. On the other hand I really want to see Isaiah Thomas trade Marbury away for Mehmet Okur. I have a sincere belief that the fact that Isaiah missed the opportunity to sign Okur to an obscenely high contract keeps Zeke up nights. I mean, that's the golden boy of overrated players being ridiculously overpaid right there. How is he not on the Knicks?

And speaking of rooting for things that make you feel worse than Brett Favre when he looks around the locker room (what's the over/under on Packers who catch passes this week that Brett Favre knows by first name? like 4?), there's always the horrific injury that benefits your team. Now nobody wants to see someone get hurt. Especially not an injury that jeopardizes career or (heaven forbid) their day to day life. But on the other hand, how many Michigan fans can honestly say they didn't cheer when Stanton went out injured last year? And you don't feel good about it, but that's how it is. Just this last week, Priest Holmes has suffered from an injury (various reports have listed this thing as a bad back, sore neck, a tumor on his spine, a broken hip, a slight cold, Gingivitis, alzheimer's, stigmata and the bubonic plague...seriously, shouldn't some one know what's actually wrong with him?). Anyway, he suffered from something that is putting him out for the season, maybe for good. And I feel for him, because he's a great running back, a great athlete, and I imagine a fine person. So I want to see him play again. On the other hand I have Larry Johnson on my fantasy team, so I'm basically doing cartwheels inside.

So you see? It's not easy being a sportsfan. It's not easy juggling 5 real teams, three fantasy teams, a half dozen sports, and you know...your actual life. So the next time you see your friend/roommate/boyfriend/girlfriend/cousin-in-law/indentured servant/circus freak sitting on the couch zoned out watching three college football games and an NBA basketball game, plus a re-run of last week's World Series of Poker, do a fan a favor: go make sure all his fantasy players are actually going to play tomorrow.

(originally written November 11th)

A Little Dr. Drew Action

Okay, I have a promise to keep here, so this entry WILL be about the loving. That’s right folks, we’re talking about sex now. And for some of my loyal readers (all 3 of you) this could get a little weird. Because let’s face it, many of you have known me a long time. Might even share some genetic material with me. And maybe you’d prefer not to hear about my sexual exploits. Well, let’s be honest hear, you don’t really need to worry about that. You won’t be hearing anything about my sexual exploits because (of course) I have no sexual exploits

Yep. That’s what I said folks. For those who aren’t reading between the lines well, let me put it in italics for you: I be’s a virgin. And you thought admitting being bladder shy was honest. A virgin at 21? Not cool at all. But that’s right, you heard me, my cherry is fully intact…although I’m not a chick, so I don’t really have a cherry, but you get my drift. So keep the source in mind as you read the rest of this, because it’s very very possible I have no idea what the hell I’m talking about.


That said, I don’t think being a virgin necessarily precludes me from having thoughts on sex (and I know people who seem to think it does). I mean, I’ve never fought a boxing match, but I know to keep my hands up if you know what I mean…that feels like it should have some sexual double meaning…I can’t think of one, but if you can you should enjoy it.

My first thought is about men being unable to perform, so to speak. Premature perhaps. Or just extremeeeeeely post-mature (like next-week-mature). Based upon sitcoms/movies/books it seems that as a culture the response to this is “Well, I guess that’s a night”. Now, I’ve never been in the circumstance, obviously, but frankly that doesn’t make a whole lot of sense to me.

To put it in terms of a sports metaphor (because all things are better in sports metaphor): you don’t forfeit the game just because your Quarterback gets injured. You put the ball on the damn ground. Run it between the tackles 30 or 40 times. And are you going to win the game? No, but you’ll at least have played.

For those who didn’t follow the sports metaphor (and I understand that living in my head gets tricky), let me out it another way. Yes, your night is not going to end as you had hoped, but that doesn’t mean hers can’t. Your QB is not the only weapon at your disposal, if you get my drift.

Hopefully, there are other guys out there who feel the same way I do, and would get in there and perform the civic duties regardless of poor performance by the little guy. But it seems like society doesn’t think this way, and I don’t get why.

Okay, having said something that the ladies probably enjoyed (people who watched as much Tough Crowd as me might remember Nick Dipallo picking his teeth one night…that image sticks), now I’m going to go right ahead and piss them all off.

Because there’s a double standard out there. Let’s review the facts, shall we? If a man cannot…make it all the way to home plate so to speak, then that’s his fault. He couldn’t perform. If a woman cannot make that same trip…that’s also the man’s fault. He couldn’t get HER to climax. What the fuck?

I don’t want to misrepresent myself here, so let me allow for the fact that yes, sometimes it probably is his fault. Sometimes, the dude probably isn’t putting in the effort, or just doesn’t have the equipment necessary to do the job. But maybe sometimes you just have a little female ED. Once in a while, maybe your pistons just don’t fire properly. And that’s not our fault. So don’t jump to that conclusion.

And on the flip side, sometimes a dude’s stuff doesn’t fire properly (or at all as it were), and that isn’t your fault. And sometimes, maybe you weren’t on your A-game…yeah probably not. Let’s face it, a D-minus-game is pretty much good enough for most dudes. As long the game is played, really.

Totally unrelated comment for those who grew up near me: Watching one of those “High-speed chase” shows on Spike last night and saw a dude on Halsted and Grand River. Now admittedly, it was from like 1998, but it was still pretty badass watching him take off past shit I’ve driven past several thousand times, and go over the median on M-5.

Speaking of television shows based on the premise of watching unbelievable fucktwits (read that in a book the other day…like the sound of it) mess up their pathetic lives, does anybody remember Loveline with Dr. Drew and Adam Carolla? (You see the brilliant segue from the unrelated comment back to my original topic? Yeah that’s called literary genius.)

If you aren’t familiar with the show (used to be on MTV late nights) it was basically a call-in show where two guys (a sex therapist and half of the man-show) gave advice to people on various sexual issues. And generally it was all just fine. I remember one guy was worried he was a compulsive masturbator, and Drew assured him he wasn’t (although he did jerk off quite a little bit…speaking of which have I mentioned my favorite euphemism for female masturbation? Composing on the single-key piano? Not sure if I had or not).

Anyway, every so often they’d get a call that went a little outside their territory, for example, one lady called in to say she had found out a little boy down the street was basically molesting her 4 year old son, and what did Drew think she should do about that?

Now here’s what I find fascinating, here’s a parent who has encountered what must be called (by any definition) an unimaginably emotionally scarring situation where her son is being fondled by another small boy in a horribly inappropriate manner that might cause him damage FOREVER and she thinks to herself that the best solution is to CALL MTV.

My point is this, I’m constantly hearing older generations talk about how our generation treats sex too casually, and how younger and younger kids are becoming involved in sex, and how it’s all the entertainment industry’s fault. Well I have another theory. Maybe it’s because there are parents who believe the best source for sexual advice is the same guy who came up with girls jumping on trampolines. I watched that episode when I was about 12 or so, which means that little boy is probably 13 or so by now, and I bet he spends his Friday nights defecating on his classmates. (If you’d care to know, Drew actually sagely told the woman that she needed to go to serious sexual counselor for her child and the other one, because real help was needed…but still, the existence of this woman frightens me).

USA Today just put out a study about how people of our generation don’t consider oral sex to be sex (and there are so many great stand-up acts about this that I’m not really going to touch it…I recommend Lewis Black and Chris Rock, myself). And it had a ton of statistics, none of which I remember exactly, (although I recall that a higher percentage of girls had performed oral sex at ever age level than guys had received at each corresponding age level) and a lot of “What’s wrong with these kids…intimacy…blah blah blah!”

Here’s what bothered me though: the totally inequity in the distribution of oral sex amongst teenage boys. I mean, if little 15 year old girls are going to be out sucking dicks, they should be willing to suck whoever’s dick. Whomever’s dick. Cause frankly, if you’re going down on a guy, does it really matter who it is? I mean, I grant that if you’re fucking someone, you might have standards, but it’s not like some guys have peppermint-flavored semen. A dick is a dick is a dick. So what’s the big deal? Make some high school dork’s life complete…and uh, be safe. Cause, you know, STD’s are bad.

But in all seriousness, it is a little strange that so many members of our generation don’t consider oral sex to be sex. I especially enjoy my Christian friends who refrain from sex for religious reasons, but are okay with oral sex before marriage. Now, I’m not going to say they’re right or wrong about the morality of the thing, because I have no fucking idea if God really cares if you eat a little mexican food now and then.

But I am going to say this, I feel that’s a slightly loose interpretation of the scripture. Jesus said, “You have heard that it was said, ‘Thou shall not commit adultery’; but I say to you that everyone who looks at a woman with lust has already committed adultery with her in his heart.” (Matthew 5:27-28). How precisely do you go from that to “Well you know, just so long as the innies and the outies don’t mix feel free to do what you like.” A strange reading of the text is all I’m saying.

Okay so there you go, sex: covered it. No problem. Perhaps admitted more about myself than I should have. Perhaps said a few things that are going to get me in trouble with the FBI. But I talked about it. Next time…I don’t know…Saddam’s trial? A chick on the Supreme Court with slightly less legal experience than Judge Judy? My theory that Google is the slowly forming a New World Order? Who knows.

(originally written October 21st)

Questions With No Answers

In today’s post I’m going to break two of my cardinal rules for these things. 1st, I don’t think I’m going to be terribly funny, sorry, I’ll try to toss in a joke or two, but I’m not sure if it’ll happen. 2nd, I’m going to talk (briefly) about my day. A thousand apologies, but it’s necessary to the topic of my interest, and trust me it’s nothing gossipy or any nonsense like that.

Okay, so here’s what I did today in my Business Economics class: I (semi) proved to myself that given a n-sided polygon with all interior angles measuring less than 180 degrees, and line segments joining all vertices in the shortest distance possible, the total number of intersections of line segments will be n choose 4 (in other words n! divided by [4! times (n-4)!]).

Now, there are several questions you might be asking yourself right now. One of those might be WHAT THE FUCK IS HE TALKING ABOUT? assuming geometry is not your strongest subject. Rest assured that doesn’t matter. All you need to understand is that I spent over an hour focusing on a bizarrely specific math problem, with no applications I can see, for no particular reason. So the natural second question would be, why the hell did I do that?

And that’s a good question. I’m not totally sure I have the answer, but I thought about it a bit on the way home, and here are my thoughts.

I am not like other people.

I realize that probably doesn’t come as a huge shock to most of you. I’ve been called the “dorkiest/weirdest/most insane person I’ve ever met” a number of times, and things like this contribute to that. But allow me to elaborate on the thought.

I am of the feeling that most people (not all people, but most people) divide the questions that come up in life into two categories: questions the answers to which would be useful, and questions the answers to which would be of no real benefit. So to most of you, there are questions like “How can I make my roommates do a higher percentage of the chores than I?” and “What is the historical origin of chores?” The first category being ones you try to get answered, and the second being ones you don’t worry about very much.

Now that’s not to say that you aren’t interested in the answers to those second-category questions. Were a show to pop on about it, or a book to come out about it, you might look into it and find out the answer, but you aren’t really concerned if you don’t. Whereas the first category you might actively try to get answered, and be disappointed if you can’t.

I do not seem to divide questions into those categories. I divide them into questions I can easily answer and questions that do not have readily obtainable answers.

Let me temper that statement by saying that sometimes I do use the typical categories and sometimes I use that second standard, based on what are probably a complex set of circumstances that aren’t particularly interesting.

Here’s the crux of the matter though. Whereas other people usually only become interested in finding an answer to a question if they can see a benefit from it, I seem to become interested in answering questions mainly when I realize it would be hard to do so.

If a question pops up that I know I can easily look up in the library, I don’t usually bother to do so. I may if it’s obviously an answer that will come in handy somehow, but I’m not usually that interested in finding out (possibly because I know I can do it later). But if a question pops up that there isn’t the answer written down in some convenient location, I often become consumed by it.

This is interesting to me for a variety of reasons, most of which are not the point of my rambling here. Here’s the one that is: I think this is why I spend so much time thinking about God, death, love, and the “bigger” questions.

I don’t know just how much time other people spend thinking about these things, but I imagine it’s less than I do (for most people).

Most people seem to be content (in my eyes) to say “Well, I don’t really know if there’s a God or not, so I’ll either (a) make an assumption one way or the other and leave it at that or (b) accept that I will probably never know and stop thinking about it.”

And people seem content to a similar type of answer when it comes to the meaning of life, what love is, what happens when we die, and all those. Either they make a leap of faith, or they decide to live without that answer (and if it should pop up sometime, that’d be cool, but if not whatever, no big deal).

I’ve never really been able to accept either of those options. Instead I think and think and think about these things, usually making little if any progress. Sometimes I might read books I think will be helpful, but generally it’s just thinking on my own. And I continue this thinking in light of the fact that I can’t imagine ever coming to the answer (or a answer or something depending on your particular view of the nature of truth).

What makes it stranger still to me is that I don’t want these answers because I believe they will be of great benefit. It might be the case that they would. Maybe if I knew the nature of the existence of a higher being that would make the way I live my life dramatically different. But I don’t particularly expect that to be the case, although who knows maybe it would be.

The point here is that I’m pretty confident I don’t think about these things because I see some benefit from the answer, I think about these things because I can’t answer them.

Having spent all that time getting to that statement, the natural question would be so what? Who gives a damn why you sit around thinking about these things? Well, I guess no one really, but as usual, I’m not doing this for the groupies.

I’d like to be able to explain why I feel a need to deal with questions I don’t have answers to, but I can’t say. I’m pretty confident that this is what makes me different, on a day to day basis, than most other people, but I’m not in any way capable of saying why it should be that way.

Which makes for the latest question that I can’t answer and will thus consume my thoughts for the next week and a half: why do I see answering unanswerable questions as important?

I think you can make some sort of case for the pursuit of knowledge (it’s in the journey blah blah blah, striving for greatness, human achievement, blah blah blah) but frankly, I don’t think that’s what it is for me. Which is going to bug me now.

I realize this particular rambling is probably rather unfulfilling for any of you who have been waiting for one. I promise (and I’ll keep this one) that in the next week or two, I’m going to finally post some thoughts on sex, and rest assured, they will be considerably more humorous than my thoughts were today, or at least they will be intended to be.

But for today, this was on my mind, and this was what I wanted to talk about. If it prompted any thoughts or comments, I’d love to hear them. And if you’re just annoyed that this post didn’t have a particularly strong statement or much humor, well trust me, I’m more annoyed about it than you are.

(originally written October 11th)

Fucking Rain Forests

As always, let me start off by apologizing for it being so long since the last post. No wait you know what, fuck that. I don’t owe any of you a post. What am I your typewriting monkey? Fuck that noise. I’ll post when I feel like it, and you can be damn grateful when I do.

Seriously though, I actually did write a post last week, but I wasn’t satisfied with it so I scrapped it. Now I realize that may seem ridiculous since I post these things on a website you can only find if you know me, so it really shouldn’t matter how shitty the posts are, but well…I have issues, and you’ll all just have to learn to live with that. And I know some of you are thinking “Wow, he didn’t think post X was bad? Because that was a rancid pile of meandering bullshit. I could have written a funnier more interesting post with my ball sack.” Well fuck you too. Oh, and I realize my grammar and spelling on these things is not, shall we say, of the highest ilk. That’s because I write them at midnight (generally) often when I should be doing homework instead, and I don’t have an editor or anything. So bite me on that one too. You want proper English, you can edit it yourself.

Quick pause: I hate John Madden. Just so you know. If you like John Madden, you’re probably a pedophile. And yes, I did steal calling people a pedophile for no good reason from Dane Cook.

Anyway, what I actually wanted to talk about was our current obsession with things being “all-natural.” I will never understand this. I’m of the philosophy that the whole point of civilization was to escape this whole “nature” thing.

If I wanted “all-natural” food I’d go eat things I found in a forest. But I don’t like dysentery. I do like chemical treatments that allow my food to not spoil, not give me diseases, and taste better. 6000 years of technology and science have allowed us to live 60 or so years longer than we used to. Shouldn’t we be embracing those things?

And you can argue that people didn’t use to get Cancer and all the other diseases we have, and that it’s chemicals that cause those. But you’d be wrong. The reason people didn’t used to get that shit is they DIED. They didn’t live long enough to get cancer. Plus you’d actually be totally wrong because people DID get cancer. Egyptian papri talks about lumps on breasts. Guess what, this shit’s been around a while.

My housemate bought “all-natural” water the other day. Now let me first point out how ridiculous that concept is in the first place. It’s water. What the fuck? Anyway, this water comes from 2.2 miles beneath the surface of the earth (and it’s that last two tenths of a mile that makes all the difference, water from just 2 miles below the crust? vile swill not fit for a dog), and is actually drilled out by…drills I guess. Anyway, this shit is totally natural, no chemical processes for it. Also, it has a warning label that says drinking more than a liter could FUCKING KILL YOU.

Okay, that’s an exaggeration, it doesn’t say fucking kill you. But it does say that it’s not healthy to drink too much of it and that pregnant women basically shouldn’t drink it at all. So that’s what natural water does…it kills babies. And that’s water, like the safest thing on earth. Imagine all natural mangoes. They’d probably rape your dog.

I like how I made raping your dog out to be worse than killing your unborn child. Because honestly, I think we all realize that, long-term, raping a family pet would cause way more emotional trauma.

We built shelter for a reason folks, we wanted to keep nature out. Nature is fucking dangerous. And that’s why I hate John Madden.

(originally written October 3rd)

10 Feet on the West Side

Productive writing week. It helps that I haven’t read a single thing assigned to me for school. Or done any of my homework really. Anyway. We have one thing to talk about today. Sport.

Any of you live with a woman? Any of you live as a woman?

Women don’t get sports.

Let me rephrase, most women don’t get sports. Some women understand. Some women make that cross over, like any label you try to apply. There’s always a white guy who can dance.

But the women I live with, the women I know, those women? They don’t get it. Never have.

Okay let’s call a quick T, shall we? For those who are asking the obvious question: Why is Devin writing like that? Let me fill you in. I’m emulating my man Scoop. Scoop writes for ESPN.com and drops words like MJ drops reverse lay-ups. Like Tiger drops birdies. Like Lions receivers drop passes. So if you can’t follow this post, don’t fret. I’ll be back like my old self come next round.

And for those who are with me on Scoop, I know I’m pulling a backyard fantasy here. Like a little kid pretending to be DiMaggio, it just ain’t the same thing.

Okay, time in. Don’t misunderstand. I know female fans. My mom’s a fan. My roomate’s a fan. My friends’ are fans. But they’re not Fans.

So what’s the divide? What about Sports turns men and women into North and South Chicago?

I don’t know.

That’s right. I haven’t a clue. I’m fumbling in the dark. Looking like Zeke playing GM. Because I’m on one side. Through the looking glass. Trying to understand what I can’t understand.

How can you not be a Fan?

So all I can say is what I know. All I can preach is what I believe. The Gospel according to St. Gatorade: Sport is sport.

Sport is team. Sport is together. Sport is 5, 9, 11 players sharing a field. How many teachers, how many bosses, point to the Patriots when they want to embody TEAM. How many local high schools look to the Pistons to see what it means to Go to Work. Playing the Right Way, as LB would say. Playing as a team.

Team isn’t just working together. It’s Faith. It’s knowing I’ve got your back and you’ve got mine. It’s believing in each other. And finding the strength in each other to believe in yourselves.

And Sport is the curse of I. ME. Nobody but number 1. Kobe and Shaq? Makes you shake your head. Moss and Culpepper? What could have been.

But MJ and Scottie? Montana and Rice? What was. What is. What’s always going to be.

Sport is effort. Sport is all you have. On the field, when it counts. When it matters. How many kids look to the Fro. To Big Ben. To a man who couldn’t shoot enough to cut it. Wasn’t going to make it. But made it anyway. Built himself into the embodiment of effort. A shot-blocking, board-crashing, play-making machine. Sport is Every Night.

Lance riding 8 hours a day. MJ shooting his entire childhood. Peyton Manning watching film until dawn. Athletes playing hurt, playing battered, playing bruised and broken. Every Night.

And Sport is shortcuts. Steroids. Black Sox. BALCO. Shaved points. Boosters.

Sport is decisive. Sport is a winner. Sport is a loser. No questions. No uncertainty. One Trophy. One champion.

Life isn’t obvious. Life doesn’t tell you who won and lost. Life leaves you hanging. Life is subjective. But not sport. Sport is objectivity. USA wins. USSR loses. Lance wins. Everyone else loses. Red Sox win. Yankees lose.

And Sport is uncertainty. Sport is argument. Mays or Mantle? .406 or 56? Montana or Unitas? Gretzky or Gordie? The Tuck Rule? Figure skating judges. Asterisks on records. Make up calls. The steroid Era.

Sport is history. Sport is chasing ghosts. 60 home runs. 755 home runs. Batting 400. 56 straight. 100 points. 163 assists. 49-0. 18 majors. 511 wins. 7 tours.

And Sport is now. Sport is selling out. BCS. FedEx bowls. Boxers with Golden Palace tattoos. Ads. Hold-outs.

Sport is hope. Sport is the underdog. Pats down to St. Louis? Tom Brady’s here, the new Joe Cool. Down 4-1 coming into the bottom of the 9th? Don’t look now but Bobby Thompson has a bat. And a shot to be heard. The USSR can’t be beat? It’s a miracle.

Red Sox down 3-0? Let’s talk about that.

Let’s talk about fathers and sons. Let’s talk about people who can die happy. Relief. Hope. Hope that waited 80 years. Let’s talk about Fans. Fans. Who never stopped believing. And let’s talk about idiots. Idiots who didn’t know they were out of it.

And if you think that’s hope, how about New Orleans? How about the Saints shouldering the burden of America’s Team. The Hope of the people. A symbol that adversity is just adversity, and nothing can’t be done.

Let’s talk about cancer. Let’s talk about wondering if you’ll ever walk, much less ride. And let’s talk about 7 straight championships. A symbol. A leader. Wearing a yellow jersey, and a yellow bracelet to match.

How about Jim Abbott. No big records. Stats aren’t flashy. Just a run of the mill big league pitcher.

With one hand.

And Sport is disaster. Broken legs. Broken backs. Ruined careers. Ruined lives. Paralysis. Death.

Sport is Joy. Sport is Greatness. Sport is thousands of Fans, united as one. Sport is parents teaching kids how to bat. Sport is believing in next year, every year. Sport is student-athletes busting the books and the ball. Sport is men and women being everything they can be.

And Sport is Horror. Sport is Greed. Sport is players who care more about themselves than the game. Sport is little league coaches telling kids to throw inside. Sport is cheating. Sport is playing the wrong way. Sport is men and women being everything they shouldn’t be.

Sport is Life. Sport is Everything. Sport is Sport.

(originally written september 19th)

Wonderful World of Urine

Okay, let's get it over with. There's a topic that frankly needs to be discussed in the ramblings, we all know you have to get it out of the way at one point or another, and I've been avoiding it until now. You can only talk about politics, sports, and religion for so long before you have to come back to the topic everyone's really interested in: pissing. It was really only a matter of time.

Alright, in reality that topic that I should probably be covering at one point or another is sex, but I'm not doing that just yet (little double entendre there...how the fuck do you spell entendre?). I had a prof once who said that the only things in life worth talking about are love, sex, God and death. Well, I've hit God, and plan on hitting it again later, and death was touched on with the war discussion. But frankly I'm reluctant to post a rambling on love and sex. Here's the thing. I've been trying to keep these as honest as I can. The problem with that is that they're posted on my facebook, and linked in my Aim profile too. So let's say I'm trying to get with this girl, and she notices this site, and reads it. Well if she reads my thoughts on religion, I'm not that worried. But if she finds out what I really think about love and sex, well there's the possibility she'll hate me. Because my views are not...well they aren't the most optimistic little things in the world. Plus I'm writing a whole fucking novel on love, so if you want a taste of that, email me for what I've got of the novel.

So anyway, that's what I'm not going to talk about in this post. Side note, my computer is doing this strange thing where the cursor randomly bounces around the page...kind of fucking irritating if you're someone who uses your computer mainly for word processing.

But yeah, pissing. Playing poker the other day, and had a little discussion with the guys about this, so I thought I'd share with all. Plus some other things.

First off, understand that I have a shy bladder (see, that's honesty right there. I just told anyone who cares to read this that I can't pee in front of other people...so that's fun). Some of you might prefer the term "stagefright" I don't, because that makes it sound like I have a problem, as opposed to shy bladder, which makes it sound like it's his fault.

Anyway, what they say you should do for shy bladder is multiplication problems. Supposedly the part of your brain that controls peeing also controls certain math functions or something...which is why so many of us piss ourselves in math class...wait...no no we don't. I guess it probably just takes your mind of the tinkle, which allows you to perform. This sucks for me, because problems like 6 x 13 don't really require any concentration for me. So I have to stand at urinals doing 34 x 62 to have any shot in hell at distracting me, and then I feel silly because of the fact that I'm multiplying in a bathroom...which should be a band. Multiplying in the Bathroom.

If you're like me and you tried to do the problem it's 2108...and seriously seek help, maybe there's a chance for you.

Despite my shy bladder though, I think pissing has to be one of life's finest joys. And not simply because the actual feeling of release is pleasurable. But because of the certainty of it. Cause things in this life come and go. And who knows what will you'll do tomorrow and what you may or may not have...but you know you're going to piss dammit. Everyday, until you die. And there's comfort in that.

It's all about setting the bar low folks, if pissing makes you happy, life's a little easier.

Today I found my new favorite euphemism for female masturbation: Composing on the single-key piano. Just paints such an image doesn't it?

Okay that was a little about sex, but I wanted to share. As for pissing (and doesn't alternating between sex and pissing just make for a nice thought combo in your head?), does anyone else agree that it's really fucking stupid that the acceptable practice is to but the toilet seat down?

This is proof that women rule the world. Think about it. If we were to change, and say people should leave the seat UP after doing whatever, the only conceivable problem that would occur would be people going to sit and falling in. Two points. First, this is a democratic problem, because men and women both sit down from time to time. Secondly, if you're paying so little attention that you put your ass in toilet water, than you deserve it. Plain and simple. And I'm not saying it could never happen to me, I'm just saying that if it did, I'd have to say "Yeah, yeah, I'm a dumbass, I should probably look at where I put my bare ass before I put it there." And then I'd wipe myself off and complete the shit I was apparently going to take.

But under the current rule, we have a much less democratic, much more common problem: men piss on the seat. We've all done it from time to time. Either you didn't really think about it or you just didn't give a damn or you thought you could aim well enough that it wouldn't matter or you're really pissed off at the females in the house or whatever, we've all pissed on a seat or two. And that's no good for no one. Because (a) there's urine on the seat [I don't think this needs further explanation] and (b) if women notice, we get yelled at.

So under our current system we have disharmony in the household and piss all over our toilet seats. Under the Seat UP system, we'd just have the occasional daft twit with a damp ass. Which should also be a band. Daft Twits with Damp Asses. DTDA or maybe DTw/DA. Yeah, I like that for the shirts. DTw/DA.

And that's a good example of why you shouldn't write things at 1 AM.
(originally written September 16th)

Idiot Fans

Okay first of all, I realize this is a long time coming, sorry about that. Between actually having to do work at work, moving in and out of houses, canoe trips, school starting, and my laptop deciding to crash multiple times, it's been hard to get writing. Anyway, sorry about that.

So anything been in the news since last time? See, that's a funny little joke about Hurricane Katrina completely dominating the news scene this last week or so. I feel like I should at least acknowledge the tragedy, but I don't plan on talking about it much, since what the hell do I really have to say about it? I mean, I imagine that sucks. People helping is good. Heart warming stories. It's all kind of been said.

So what I've decided to talk about instead, is something totally and completely irrelevant. Michigan Football. For those who didn't see this Saturday, Michigan lost to Notre Dame, in a game that frankly crushed my spirit completely. Anyway, there are two thoughts that arose from this game.

(1) I've never been that embarrassed to be a student at the University of Michigan. For those who didn't see, our student section, which I've always hated for their lack of football knowledge, quickness to turn on the team, and general frat boy/sorostitute view on football as just a social event (sorostitute has a red squiggly under it, and I was trying to figure out how I'd misspelled it when I realized it wasn't actually a word...smart one). Where was I? Oh yeah, the idiot fucking student section at U of M decided to rain various litter onto the field after a few calls went against us. Three things: (1) I hate when fans complain about calls that are the right calls just because they go against your team. Shut the fuck up, learn the rules, and don't get pissed at the refs for DOING THERE FUCKING JOBS. It's just like idiot college students who get pissed at cops for handing out MIPs. That's the law shithead. If you don't want MIPs you shouldn't break the law, or you should try and get away with it. I drink, but I drink with the understanding that if I get caught, that's my bad. Similarly I don't get angry at cops for pulling me over if I speed. That's the law, it's there jobs. But I digress. (2) You should never bitch about calls being why your team lost. If a call decides the game against you, then you shouldn't have put yourself in a position to lose because of a call. No one to blame but yourself. (3) Wow was that about the most immature fucking stupid ass thing I've ever had to feel like I was a part of. Christ. In this city of all cities, you'd think we'd know that throwing shit onto the field of play is a BAD IDEA. Any of these people watching a little under a year ago when that almost caused a fucking riot in the Palace? Dipshits.

(2) The Daily ran it's first "Fire Lloyd Carr" letter yesterday, which I can't stand. Yeah, I disagree with some of Lloyd Carr's decisions, but I understand that it's pretty hard to coach a division I NCAA football team. All these dipshits are always calling for Lloyd's head, thinking they know how to run the team better from their extensive experience coaching their Madden teams on the Playstation. Shut the fuck up. The man has won 5 Big Ten championships in 10 years, plus a national championship. Maybe he has some idea what he's doing? These are the exact same people who bitch about every mistake any player makes. Fumbles, interceptions, missed tackles, whatever. A quick message to armchair quarterbacks everywhere: PLAYING FOOTBALL IS HARD, YOU CANNOT DO IT. STOP THINKING YOU CAN. Cut these guys some slack. If I followed you around at your job, I bet I'd find out you fucked up a lot too, and your job is probably a whole lot easier. So shut the hell up.

Anyway, long story short, I hate the Student Section. Plus the wave sucks.
(originally written September 12th)

Jesus...cool guy

So with the exception of knocking people who want to discuss intelligent design in schools, I haven’t really talked much about religion, which is interesting since it’s one of my biggest interests. I don’t mean like I really enjoy going to church and praying and stuff, but I enjoy studying the various religions, and it’s a subject that I think about a lot. Of course there’s an obvious reason I haven’t posted something on religion yet: talking about religion with one’s friends is frowned upon, and I assume everyone who reads this is a friend of mine (if not, you should like introduce yourself or something and tell me what a fucking moron I am, I enjoy that). Which, when you come right down to it is kind of silly, because the reason you aren’t supposed to talk about it is because people actually CARE about religion, and God forbid friends discuss things they have deeply held beliefs about. All of society would collapse were we to say what we actually think about things.

Still in the interest of not making all my friends hate me, let me say that I’m not going to knock religion, because I’m not about that. That is not the way that I roll. While certain religious beliefs may seem illogical or even absurd to me, I realize they are no more absurd than a belief that democracy actually works, and I hold that one dearly, so there you go. I think when we come right down to it, we can all agree, no matter what faith or lack thereof we may call our own, upon one immutable and obvious truth: Scientology is fucking stupid.

Which leads me to my first comment, why is it okay to mock certain religions? I know why it’s okay to mock Scientology, because rich and famous people are members of it, and we all hate the rich and famous. Also it’s a cult. And (as I understand it) the movie Battlefield Earth has something to do with their religion, and that’s one of the worst movies of all time. You don’t see any religions based on Swimming Pool, but if you did I’d rip on them too.

But we also seem to feel it’s okay to make fun of Mormonism, which is the one I find interesting. It’s easy to mock some Eastern religion, because it’s far away, or Scientology because Tom Cruise is psychotic now, but how did the Mormons get singled out as the group it’s okay to ridicule? If a TV show made a joke about Presbyterians that wouldn’t be okay, but feel free to make all the Joe Smith jokes you like. I suppose it’s because it’s Christianity, but it still seems so foreign. What with the new bible they have about the Indians (Native Americans? I don’t know what’s proper in this context…Pagans, I suppose) (I was at a sleepover where we read once from the Book of Mormon…which is frankly weird regardless of what religious text you’re reading from “Okay kids, video game time is over, now let’s read from the Baghvada Gita” Strange is all I’m saying). Plus the whole bigamy thing and the lack of caffeine, and it’s just strange enough that it seems like it should be a totally separate religion, except they have that Jesus dude walking around the whole time.

In the vein of people discussing religion in strange places, I had the single most surreal experience of my life the other day. While taking a shit in the Union (not like in the lobby, I was in the bathroom), a couple construction guys came into the bathroom, discussing the Exodus. Now in general, I am opposed to bathroom discussions, but even when they occur they tend to be fairly “You see that thing?” “Ugh, yeah that thing… jeez” type of conversations. Meanwhile these guys were going on and on about the symbolism of the manna (one n? spellcheck says two…and spellcheck says spellcheck isn’t a word…bit of an identity crisis I feel…he thinks he has a hyphen or is separated…interesting…a lot of ellipses in this sentence). And the fact that I knew they were construction guys (there’s a site right next to the union, and it’s not like this takes Sherlock Holmes) just made it all the stranger. Then they got the Sabbath day wrong.

I find this strange as well. Why did the Christians change the Sabbath day? In the New Testament it has it correctly. Jesus gets crucified on Friday, the next day everyone goes home and does whatever it is Jews do on the Sabbath (answer: not much) and then on Sunday he rises. When the hell did we move church to Sundays? Is it because Jesus rose on a Sunday and we figured if we did church on Saturdays then come Easter we’d have to go twice in one weekend? Was it a Roman thing just to be pissy? Did we not want to compete in the Jewish time-slot? Better ad time on Sundays? I don’t understand.

I’ll end this particular post (although I think there’s a decent chance I will be posting on religion again, rather soon) with some interesting things that can be found in the Bible that you might not know were in there (I’m using the New American Standard Bible, so these should be fairly representative of most versions…and certainly nothing that should be taken as crackpot or highly unorthodox).

(1) There is reason to believe that Judaism began as a polytheistic religion, where the LORD was the highest of a number of gods. A number of the Psalms make reference to this:

Psalm 82: I said, "You are gods,/And all of you are sons of the Most High./Nevertheless you will die like men/And fall like any one of the princes”
Psalm 58: Do you indeed speak righteousness, O gods?
Psalm 86: There is no one like You among the gods, O Lord,/Nor are there any works like Yours
Psalm 95: For the LORD is a great God/And a great King above all gods

You can cast it aside as a metaphorical way of speaking but the term “gods” shows up surprising number of times in the bible.

(2) Jesus had family.

Matthew 12:46 (because you’ll want to read it yourself):
While Jesus was still talking to the crowd, his mother and brothers stood outside, wanting to speak to him.

But it’s okay, there was no hanky-panky before Jesus. From Matthew 1:24-25
When Joseph woke up, he did what the angel of the Lord had commanded him and took Mary home as his wife. But he had no union with her until she gave birth to a son. And he gave him the name Jesus

Although afterwards there seems to have been quite a bit. From Matthew 13: 55-56
Isn't this the carpenter's son? Isn't his mother's name Mary, and aren't his brothers James, Joseph, Simon and Judas? Aren't all his sisters with us?

I’ll put in more next time I post on religion, because there’s some neat stuff in there, that most people just glaze right over.

(originally written August 16th)

Chewbacca, what a wookie, among other things

Fun fact o’ the day my friends: A new study suggests that as many as 1 out of every 25 fathers might be unknowingly raising a child who is not their own.

I like this idea because I have 25 people I’d call close friends, and that means one of them might not actually be their dad’s kid. In all seriousness though, these stats are probably inflated, while paternal discrepancy (yes they have a name for it other than “your mother is a whore”) surely occurs, I find it hard to believe that 4% of the country is unwittingly bathing another man’s child (at least I hope so or we’re a bunch of pedophiles). In fact the article I read admitted that in studies done between 1950 and now the estimates have ranged from less than one percent to 30%. Which is a slight margin of error. Statistically speaking that means the correct answer might actually be in the negatives (it could happen…if not only were there no fathers unwittingly raising another man’s child, but the supposed bastards of the world were actually being raised by the correct men).

Anyway, I’ve been writing about politics a lot recently, so I figured I’d just blather about inanity for a little while, so here are some of the things I’ve been thinking about recently.

I’d first like to share my belief that John Cusack is the solution to all heartbreak. By which I don’t mean like having John Cusack over for tea, although that would be pretty kickass. I mean JC’s movies (and yes I’m going to go right ahead and call him JC, because John and I are tight like that). Anyway, you start off with one of two options: Pushing Tin if you’re in full out losing your mind complete breakdown as a human being and Grosse Point Blank if you’re just kind of upset and a little in the woods. Then you transition to High Fidelity to alleviate the whole “never-ending string of crappy relationships” trauma, plus you got Jack Black to cheer you up there. Finally you close with Say Anything, simply the sweetest most hopeful romantic movie ever. If Lloyd Dobbler can’t renew your faith either in yourself (if you’re a dude) or in men (if you’re a chick) then you are simply fucked.

And maybe watch Con Air afterwards, just cause that’s a great flick.

Okay, also I’d like to explain to those who might be unaware that Chewbacca is an elf. I know that sounds like a weird thing to say, but bear with me on this. You first have to understand that Star Wars is fantasy, not sci-fi. Think about it, sci-fi involves using science to examine society and the human race and the greater questions in life. Fantasy is about magic and beasts and colossal battles between good and evil. Star Wars is clearly the second of those options. Given then that SW is a fantasy story, it should be obvious that Chewbacca is an elf. He’s lanky, comes from a forest planet, uses a bow as his weapon…that’s an elf. I am convinced that if you shaved Chewie down he’d look exactly like Legolas.

Speaking of Legolas, why can he walk on snow in the first Lord of the Rings movie? Is this explained in the books? Are elves hollow? I get that he’s supposed to be all “one-with-the environment” but that doesn’t mean the laws of physics don’t apply to him.

In the solitary sports reference I will allow myself this post (I’m desperately trying not to let myself turn this into a summary of the Sports Guy page), Todd Bertuzzi was reinstated earlier this week. No joke here: Not only should Bertuzzi never play in the NHL again, he should be in jail right now. He assaulted a guy, plain and simple.

Okay one more sports story, a kid jumped off the upper deck at Yankee stadium into the net behind home plate…Right about now, I bet his father’s hoping there was a case of paternal discrepancy.

(originally written August 11th)

The Religious Right

Alright let me start with an apology for the length of time since my last post. Apparently my bosses decided that my doing no work whatsoever and getting paid for it was a little silly. So I spent the last two weeks stuffing mountains of envelopes, FUN!

Anyway (3 of 4 my four sentences have started with A so far…yeah wanted to let you know…in case you were doing a study on that sort of thing…but forgot to be counting for it…because you’re stupid….stupidhead) I’ve been ragging on liberals a lot, so it’s about time I knocked conservatives around for a bit.

So Senate Majority Leader Bill Frist took a stand a few days ago by differing with President Bush over stem cell research and it’s about damn time a vocal member of the Republican party whose name doesn’t rhyme with a fictional movie character from the Simpsons based on the current governor of California stood up for the members of the party who’d prefer it not be turned over to the right-wing wackjobs. Go ahead, TRY and diagram that sentence…I dare you.

I have the misfortune of growing old enough to vote just as my party was ripped out of my hands by a collection of people who still think we should be debating if the Earth is the center of the universe. Where’s my Reagan Revolution dammit? What happened to a belief in small government and laissez-faire attitudes towards not just economics, but everything? When did the Republican Party turn into Army of Christ?

But thankfully there is a new hope, with Senator Frist taking a stand that not using embryos for research is just plain fucking stupid. How anyone can disagree with this stand is mind-boggling to me. How can you think using these soon to be discarded embryos to further research into God knows how many diseases is disrespecting life? “Oh you’re going to make multiple embryos and then just throw out the ones you don’t need? No biggie…but no taking cells from them on their way to the garbage can…that’s just unnecessary.”

The evil empire struck back, though, when Bush came out supporting the teaching of Intelligent Design in our school systems. Now thank heavens he made the qualification that local government, and not Washington, should set school curriculum (where was this clear thinking during No Child Left Behind?), but still Intelligent Design? You’re kidding me right? Don’t get me wrong, Intelligent Design might very well be the case, but what precisely are you going to TEACH? “And maybe there’s a dude in the sky guiding our development along…Yes Johnny?...Well no we don’t have any evidence for that…because you can’t really prove it…Well I guess it does seem like kind of silly to have a theory you can’t prove…Well you’ll just have to deal with that Johnny…Johnny, please put your pants back on.” Because sometimes when little kids get confused they take their pants off…I don’t know why.

And then a jedi came back...but yeah, here’s my problem with Intelligent Design. The argument is the universe is so well-designed (Please, please, control your snickers) that something intelligent must have created it since all complicated things arise from intelligent design, namely ours (i.e. cars, watches, computers). Here’s the problem, any counterexample to be given (something complex not created by the human mind) falls under the purview of the theory. Trees are complex, but that’s cause of intelligent design. So are lions, but that’s intelligent design. Stars are complex in their own way…intelligent design. It’s a self-fulfilling theory. And that’s why you can’t really teach it.

Now if you want to highlight that evolution is not PROVEN beyond a shadow of a doubt, feel free, but then do it for everything else too (gravity, time, triangles having 180 degrees, and everything else, because nothing is totally provable…not even the triangle thing, trust me it bummed me out too)

In related news, South Korea cloned a dog, and none-too-soon. Because when I think of the problems in the world, what usually comes to mind is “not enough dogs”. Seriously though, it’s for research into diseases or something, and that’s always good by me. I’m waiting for the right-wing knee-jerk “playing God” bullshit to start soon though. I like how people think cloning is going to cause us to churn out animals/people by the millions. It’s not like Star Trek just yet folks, the clone still has to be put in a womb and be born. Anyway, I’m trying to think of a clever sign involving cloning be sacrilege and Lassie, but I’m not coming up with anything.

Maybe a Dog/goD palindrome play on something…

So long story short, the 2008 Republican nominee for president better support stem cell research, oppose turning our schools over to the Vatican, and not give a goddamn about gay marriage or I might have to vote libertarian. Help me John McCain, you’re my only hope…

(originally written August 4th)

Ann Arbor Art Fair and the Iraqi War

It’s here folks…the Ann Arbor Art Fair, and it comes to make my life a living hell.

Seriously, the person who decided that shutting down an entire city so that people can talk themselves into spending 140 bucks on a sculpture of a stapler made entirely out of staples should be shot in the face. This has to be, hands-down, the most miserable thing about living in Ann Arbor.

A quick review of why the art fair sucks.

1. You cannot get anywhere: The streets are all closed, so making it to any destination by car requires a sectant and sherpa guides, and inevitably sherpa guides get entranced by some crazy sculpture they think looks like Raguguanda the Hindi God of Small Birds (it’s real, look it up) and so they jump out of the car, and get injured and then you have to drive them to the hospital but they don’t have any health coverage, so now you’re forking over cash, and the stupid sherpas keep praying to the damn sculpture that they made you spend 260 dollars on before they’d let you take them to the hospital, and it doesn’t even look like Raguguanda, I mean the colors all wrong. I mean, how many times has that happened to you? Right, none, and that’s why the art fair sucks…no sherpa guides.

2. If you can get someplace, it’s too damn busy: Every restaurant in the city starts looking like New Delhi in the afternoon…except without sherpas. It’s 20 minutes to get a table and another six hours for food. Plus the stores are all running out of basic commodities, and there’s no parking on any of the streets.

3. Hippies. God how I hate hippies. And while usually a vocal minority on campus, during the art fair they come out in droves. Smelling bad, and insisting that you take their pamphlets on ending the devastation to the rain forest, hippies are the bane of my existence.

Speaking of hippies, they’ve put up an exhibit right in the middle of campus, made entirely of shoes, one pair to commemorate each civilian/soldier who has died in the Iraqi war. This is to draw attention to the fact that the war has caused a lot of death. Which I for one, was totally unaware of. Thank God for that exhibit, because I was 100% behind the war, but I just assumed we were using paintball guns.

Are a lot of people out their unaware that WAR = DEATH? Is that not commonly known? Look, I realize that part of it is to honor the memories of those lost, and I appreciate that thought, but a lot of seems like more ridiculous liberal whining. If you’re against the war attack the reasons we went to war, don’t just point out that a lot of people died, of course a lot of people have died, it’s a freaking war. A lot of people died in WWII, but it was probably worth it.

I don’t know exactly where I come down on this war, but I know that sometimes hard decisions have to be made. Some things are worth dying for and some things are worth killing for. Was the liberation of Iraq and the elimination of Saddam one of them? I’m not sure. Although what bothers me most about this war has always been that Bush didn’t just stand on top of a table at the UN from the get go and say “Look, if you care so much about World Peace and freedom from tyranny than you better get in line to go whup Saddam’s ass. He’s a psychotic dictator who has killed thousands, jailed thousands more, oppressed his people, abused their rights, and has used chemical weapons in the past. We’re going to go blow his ass back to the stone age, and I don’t really need a better reason than him being a really really bad guy.” I’d have stood up and applauded, and maybe even enlisted after a speech like that, but no, we danced around and came up with a lot of bullshit, and then went in with crappy reasons.

Here’s my problem with liberals’ ideas on foreign policy. My liberal friends all complain about how the horrific conditions around the world, about the starvation, and poverty, and oppression, and disease, and that we need to start doing something about it. Which I couldn’t agree with more. But guess what? You can’t fix the world with good intentions. In fact most of those problems stem from corrupt dictatorial governments or ethnic civil wars. And you can’t solve those two things with food, or money, or all the volunteer services in the world. Sometimes an army is the only thing that solves the problem. But any time anyone suggests using military force, liberals go off the deep end over “policing the world”.

I’m not saying we should start using the army to solve every problem abroad, and I’m not saying it’s ever a particularly good solution, but sometimes it is the only solution. Anyone who says violence never solved anything doesn’t study much history.

So…how about that art fair huh? At what age to men decide to just start wearing black socks all the time? Was that normal in the 50s or something?

(originally written July 20th)

Harry Potter, Michelle Wie, Nasa and hot dogs

Friday morning and I’m bored out of my mind at work, so I thought I’d toss up an update on a few random notes. I should put in my two cents on the Supreme Court nomination process but (A) I don’t know anything about the candidates and (B) I don’t want to turn this into a political site right off the bat. So instead, I’ll talk about anything else I found in the news.

Harry Potter launches in about 15 hours, and I know I personally am on the verge of climax over it. HP 6 (as the cool kids say) is probably the most hotly anticipated sequel since the New Testament. I don’t actually read the books, but I’m really looking forward to this one coming out, because that means I only have to hear about it for another week or so. You know what I don’t like about Harry Potter? The font’s all large, which inflates the size of the books. I was really impressed when kids were reading 500 page books, but then I found out they’re not that big at all if you made them a normal font size. Very upsetting. Anyway. the third movie was on the other day, and the question came up if it’s okay to look at Hermione and appreciate that she will be hot one day. I’m a big yes on this. It’s one thing to look at an underage girl and say she IS hot, it’s another to say she WILL be hot, and the second is just fine. Plus she’s in that catholic school girl outfit sometimes, and when the sixth or seventh movie comes out it’s going to be like softcore porn (Hairy Potter and the Cock-Hungry Sluts…I’m excited).

Speaking of hot underage girls, Michelle Wie is currently in the quarterfinals of the US Public Links Amateur Championship. While I have no idea what that is, I think it’s pretty impressive. She’s 4 holes down through 7, so this is probably it for her run, but I’m still impressed. Forget about her being a girl (which makes it impressive enough), focus on the fact that she’s FIFTEEN. When I was fifteen there was only one kind of stroke I was concerned about. She can’t drive. She’s probably never taken an AP course. She can’t even rent a golf cart. And she’s three match play victories (albeit unlikely ones) away from an invitation to the Masters. Imagine what she’s going to do when she’s 18…or 21…or 25. I don’t care if you like golf or not, this girl is going to be one of the most fascinating sports stories to watch for the next decade or so.

NASA planned on launching a shuttle for the first time in 2 years yesterday, with hope of reviving confidence in NASA…and then the canceled it. Yeah. Sort of makes you proud all over doesn’t it? Anyway…we need to get this space travel show on the road, because if I die before we colonize another planet/moon/any old rock in space, I’m going to be mighty pissed off. 60 years of science-fiction has raised the bar here guys, let’s get a move on.

Finally I walked by a hot dog vendor who was selling Best’s Kosher Dogs today at lunch. The Best’s motto bothered me: “The Difference is in the Taste.” Where the hell else would the difference be? It’s a hot dog. Taste is pretty much the entire focus. It would be very strange if your motto was “Best’s Kosher Dogs, the Difference is in how the Sound When Thrown Against Moving Trucks…seriously, throw one…go ahead, give it a try…see they play the 1812 Overture, weren’t expecting that were you? Yeah it’s pretty much the latest in hot dog biotechnology”, especially since that wouldn’t fit on the guy’s hot dog cart.

(originally written July 15th)

Inept Democrats

If the Democrats nominate Hillary in 2008, I think we should officially declare the party dead and bring back the Bullmooses (Hell yeah Teddy Roosevelt, and we could have neat hats and a mascot and everything). Not that I hate Hillary, I like her just fine, but she WON’T WIN. I want the Dems to do one of two things, (1) officially give up on ever winning another important election and just nominate someone who really stands for what the party believes in (if anyone knows what the Democrats believe in, I’m sure they’d love to hear it) or (2) nominate someone who stands a snowball’s chance in hell.

Here’s why Hillary cannot win: she has no dick. Balls she has, but no dick (insert obligatory Bill joke here). But maybe I’m wrong about that, maybe that right-wing majority that’s been doing the voting would elect a woman. Maybe they’d set aside their anti-choice, pro-war throwback to the 50s mentality and elect someone most of them would probably rather see in the kitchen. Maybe a woman could win, after all 52 percent of the country is female. We’ll ignore the fact that women all hate each other, so none of them will vote for Hillary. Maybe she could win. Here’s why she won’t.

Of the last 5 men elected president, 4 were governors before their nomination (the fifth, Bush I, was VP and head of the CIA before that). The last 4 Senators nominated for the presidency have all gotten their asses kicked (McGovern, Mondale, Dole, and Kerry). People do not like Senators. In fact the last guy to get elected out of the senate was JFK, and that’s just because he was adorable.

Of the last 5 men elected president, 4 were from the south (the fifth, Reagan, was from California, maybe SoCal, I don’t know). Now I realize Hillary was the First Lady of Arkansas (that’s a title she must be very proud of), but right now she’s a New Yorker, and you know she’ll play that up in the campaign for the terrorist angle. While Northerners don’t mind voting for Southerners, Southerners hate Yankees. I suppose it comes from having their ass kicked in the Civil War. The last 4 Northerners to run (Ford, Mondale, Dukakis and Kerry again) all got destroyed by people from farther south.

In fact, all this raises a good question: WHY THE HELL DID THEY NOMINATE KERRY? Seriously, I still cannot wrap my mind around this. They nominated a Senator from Massachusetts? Did they not see the Liberal Washington Insider card getting played? Was that a big surprise? Didn’t Al Sharpton stand a better chance of winning than John Kerry?

But 4 years later, I dread they’ll make the same mistake again, only this time with a female liberal Senator from New York. I mean, the Democratic Party does have political strategists working for it right? They can see what will happen can’t they? Let me say this as plainly as I can:

NOMINATE A SOUTHERN GOVERNOR. I don’t care who he is, but I know there are a few democrats running states down there, nominate one of them. It really doesn’t matter who he is, just so long as his IQ is above 85 and he can keep his dick in his pants and he wasn’t once a B-movie actor. Wait…no it really doesn’t matter who he is. If he was the Governor of Alabama, this country would elect Charles Manson. Although he might be a republican come to think of it.

(originally written July 13th)
Politics