Why didn't I join a frat?

On Monday I encountered the following headline in the Michigan Daily: Masturbating trespasser booted from frat.

Rather naturally my interest was aroused (pun intended). Basically here's what happened. A woman (who claimed to be an EMU student named Mel
issa) between the ages of 20 to 30 walked into a frat around lunchtime, sat down on the couch, and began composing on the single key piano.

The frat members politely asked her to leave and she refused. After half an hour they called the police, and she left wearing nothing but a thigh-length coat.

The questions that arise from this story are numerous. First off, how was she not raped by like six guys? (Or, depending on her motives, how did she not have consensual sex with like six guys?) She laid down on a couch at a frat and began flicking the bean. This is hands-down the most upstanding frat I've ever heard of. At Alpha Beta they might have raped a woman who was just sitting on a couch, masturbating or not. (Side note, what sort of rushers do you think a frat that is actually known as "the rape house" gets?)

Alright, so let's assume these guys are genuinely good people and so they weren't going to take advantage of the woman. Even given that, what group of guys asks a masturbating woman to LEAVE? I can't even fathom this. If you're a guy, ask yourself, which of the following would you do:
(a) ask her to leave
(b) pull up a seat
(c) draw straws to see who's running out to Meijer to buy a camcorder

I think I speak for most males when I say: this is the stuff porn is made of guys. What are you doing?

But, then, on the other hand, they did wait half an hour before they called the cops. So I suppose maybe they got all the footage they needed.

Then there are all the weird elements of the story (I know, I know, I never would have thought I'd be implying that a random masturbater isn't the weid part of the story). For example, at one point the woman made a phone call. I would pay about $10,000 for a cassette of that phone call.

"Hey, what's up?"

"Nothing much, I'm at frat house playing three-knuckle shuffle. How about you?"

Or the article notes that the frat guys "asked the woman if she was all right" and "she casually replied that she was fine." I've read a lot of Miss Manners in my day, but I admit to being at a loss as to the appropriate way to ask an intruding masturbater how they're feeling. 'Excuse me' doesn't really seem to cut it.

Also, the frat house will be disposing of two couches because of the incident. Two couches. TWO. Dos couches. What was happening on the other couch? Or did the woman get up and move at one point? Inquiring minds want to know.

I can't come up with any sort of conclusion so I'm just going to stop writing now.

The Internet Confuses Me

I get a lot of spam, largely because I don't really use any sort of spamfilters, and if you're part of any group at umich, somebody in that group is probably going to get a trojan every so often. Anyway, here's what I don't get. The spam I get seems to fall into several categories based on the subjects. These are (1) sex enhancements (2) offers for free money (3) innocuous greetings (4) Biblical quotes and (5) random gibberish.

Now, I can understand why someone might be inclined to open an email with the subject "Mak yo woman screem all nite." Or "Come pick up your check!" Or "Hey, what's up?" Or maybe even "Lo, Aaron did look upon the Israelites..."

But why would anyone open an email that has random gibberish as its subject? And why would spammers think this is a good plan? I got an email the other day that said "gargle noisily". Why would I open that? How is this effective spam? Do they think people are so retarded they'll open any email as long as the subject consists of properly spelled words?

Well, if they've checked out www.twitter.com, they probably do. Twitter seems fairly new, so you may not be familiar with it. Basically the idea is sort of like a myspace or facebook, except instead of filling out personal information that (hypothetically speaking) people could care about, you simply post single sentence updates on what you're doing, periodically through the day. Here are a few samples:

cleaning the scum off the sides of the fish tank.. joy!
getting some exercise
watching around the horn on espn
Listening to SLAY Radio

People, this whole real-time updates on our friends lives has gone too far. Away messages weren't that bad, because more often than not people just put up funny messages, or when it is actually info it's at least moderately useful info (i.e. "headed out to the bar, call if you want to come"). And while many people were rightfully creeped out by the facebook feed, it still didn't strike me as too bad. At least some of the info on facebook is somewhat important.

But Twitter has pushed us past the point of acceptable voyeurism. If you honestly need to tell people that you're eating cocoa puffs at the moment, you need to get a life. And if anyone is actually that interested in what you're doing every single instant, you might want to consider a restraining order.

Seriously, many of these people seem to be updating their Twitter Feed two or three times an hour. What the hell is happening to the world?

Totally unrelated note, my roommate just played me "Put it in your mouth" by Akinyele. This song came out about five years ago he said, but if you haven't heard it, check around. It's pretty fucking funny.

The Return of Craigslist (Again)...

Sorry about the lack of posting last week. Between March Madness and St. Patrick's Day, I never quite got the time.

But, as promised, I'm returning with an old fan favorite: Creepy Casual Sex posts from Craigslist. And this time, we're going right to the source. That's right, instead of Ann Arbor posts, this time I went to the original Craigslist, from that cesspool of depravity, San Francisco (Please Note: the FMRC is completely supportive of the gay lifestyle and homosexual community. When we refer to San Francisco as a cesspool of depravity, we are referring solely to the fact that Barry Bonds plays baseball there).

So, without further ado, the posts.

I am seeking someone that is truly submissive that wants to play today. I am a Dom and seek a submissive that like and enjoys blindfolds, spanking, being used, face fucked, anything that is intense and pleasurable. You need to host or I can book a room. This is for now and today. If this works out I would like to own you as a submissive. Creative scenes are welcome, Daddy/Daughter, Boss/employee, etc... I am 50, 6'6, 230, white, GQ type, shaved head, blue eyes, 9" cock. Intense. If you care to, you can call my cell to save time, please be real. Women only.

The part of that I enjoyed was when he requested that women who call him should "please be real". No pixies, genies, succubi, vampires or other imaginary women need apply.

I'm looking for an older woman/couple (or active imagination)to help me fulfill my incest fantasy/role play. Come in my room at night, feel under my covers, touch me, show me how to make it feel good. I'm fit, straight, good looking, and very real. I'm clean, safe/sane, DD free, and honest. I'm looking for good people, real, just interested in adult, sexual fun. Let's chat and exchange pics if you're interested.

He doesn't come out and say this...but he's looking for a couple to pretend to be his parents right? That's....beyond creepy.

I'm a straight, fit, intelligent, and sensual, looking for a W to get together for a sexy kissing sessions with some touching. It would also be arotic to touch ourselves while we made out together. Let's be safe, clean, and excite each other!! No sex required. Let's play, touch and show each other how much we like to make it feel good. I am real, safe, sane, and respectful. I'm just looking for a real woman that enjoys erotic fun. I will talk with you on the phone, email or IM to set up. I can host. Let's trade pics.

I like two things about this post. (1) He spells it arotic. It's like a Jeff Foxworthy sex post. "Hey baby, you look pretty a-rotic in them there panties." (2) It's title was "Make out session and touching". I want to respond and say that I prefer not to touch people I make out with.

You like older women because... we're more confident - we make better conversation - we don't want to date you - we won't ask where this is going - we don't need you to spend money on us - we won't wait for your phone call - we don't play games - we don't just lie there - we excel at fellatio - we're using you

We excel at fellatio? That sounds like something you'd put on a resume under other skills. "Excels at fellatio, proficient in assplay".

while the rain taps on the bay window and drips off the magnolia tree i'm thinking of you in my big bed convulsing with warm, wet pleasure. hot breath on sensitive skin, deep kisses, wandering tongues... smart guy with a great body, a sense of humor and creative in bed. i'm clean and like my sex SAFE. We will probably get along swimmingly if you are smart yourself, pretty, open minded, not overweight and enjoy orality in all of its glorious forms. if you're interested send photos and introduce yourself.

Enjoy orality in all of its glorious forms? Are there forms of orality that I'm not familiar with? Cause I could maybe think of three (and that's if I'm really stretching on that "glorious" part).

I need help...email me for more details...

Who the fuck is going to respond to this? "Oh this guy needs help...I love helping people. Good enough for me." Look, I'm not really on board with the whole "hooking up with random strangers for casual sex over the internet" thing in the first place. But if you're want to do it, you have to try a little hard than that buddy. Go big or go home.

I am really good at cunnilingus. I love to make women cum inside and out (g-spot and clit, respectively). Physically I am 6" 2 masculine', white, with dark saltand pepper hair, dark eyes, and well endowed Also, I am D&D free, If you are a cute girl and into oral sex, let's meet up.

What the hell is with all the clinical terms people? Cunnilingus? Who actually says that? "Hey baby, maybe I'll osculate your labia majora and then stick my lamina in your vaignal orifice." And I haven't even bothered to count how many ads use the term "intercourse" instead of "sex." Buddy, if you're trolling for tail on Craigslist, that's not intercourse. Even sex isn't really a dirty enough term for what you're doing.

Greg Oden Sucks...but not as much as Tommy Amaker

Here at the Frobozz Magic Rambling Company, we find that our readers fall into three groups: those who like posts about politics, those who like posts about sports, and those who like posts about creepy craigslist sex postings (incidentally, extensive market research shows the breakdown of those groups to be 2%, 2%, and 96% of our readers, respectively).

Well, I have bad news for groups 1 and 3: It's March. And that means the staff here at FMRC has just one thing on our collective (and slightly schizophrenic) mind. Basketball.

That's right, folks, it's just about Tourney time. So be prepared for a couple posts in a row of non-stop hoops action. I tell you what though, I promise that my next non-hoops related post will be about craigslist, okay?In the meantime, Michigan is about to play Ohio State University (wait, which Ohio State University? -ed.) THE Ohio State University. (ohhh, I always get all those Ohio State Universities confused -ed.) Don't worry, happens to everyone.

Anyway, we're about to play THEOSU with our season on the line. In honor of our inevitable victory and entrance into our first Tourney in almost a decade, I thought I'd do a live post during the game.

However, at the moment I have about 15 minutes before tip-off, so I’m going to head over to addictinggames.com and do my daily jigsaw puzzle. Be back in a bit.

12:00 PM – Okay, I’m about 2/3 of the way through a mad fucking trippy jigsaw puzzle. It’s like a fucking Jackson Pollack painting and the shit turns photo-negative when I connect pieces. Anyway, some guy named Dave O’Brien is replacing Brent Musburger today, which pisses me off. Oh well.

12:01 – Dave just called OSU “Greg Oden’s Buckeyes”. Doesn’t this have to piss off the seniors? Those guys were the Big Ten champs last year, had a strong tournament, and now it’s “Oden’s Buckeyes” or “Conley’s Buckeyes” every game. That’d tick me off.

12:03 – Good sign number 1: OSU is wearing the new supertight uniform tops. For those unfamiliar, these are a new uniform with tops that fit tightly, that a number of teams will be playing in the tourney will wear. Strange note on these tops. They’re from Nike, and apparently they have the LeBron on them. LeBron, who never played in the NCAA. Strange.

12:04 – Good start, already had our first turnover. Fuck fuck fuck fuck fuck.

12:06 – Steve Lavin thinks both teams look much better than they did to start the day yesterday. I disagree, I think OSU looked fantastic in their hotel rooms.

12:09 – Okay, the first timeout of the game gives me my first chance to talk about something random in basketball news. Up first we have Dwayne Wade’s decision to rehab his shoulder and return this season. Dwayne, listen to me: SHUT IT DOWN, LITTLE MAN. (side note, do you ever find yourself referring to basketball players who are a foot taller than you in diminutive terms, simply because they play with people so freakishly large they seem much smaller? Cause Wade could whoop my ass without either hand or foot, and I just called him “little man”, simply because he’s so much smaller than Shaq.) Anyway, this might sound like I just don’t want the Pistons playing you in the playoffs, but that’s really got nothing to do with it. Dwayne, you’re 25. You’ve got years left in your prime. Give it up this season, and come back next year healthy. Do you honestly think Shaq or Riley would risk their health for you? They’d dump you faster than…something that gets dumped quickly. Metaphor fails me.

12:15 – Ekpe Udoh just came in. Nothing really important about that, but it gives me a chance to type Ekpe Udoh and you a chance to read it. And that’s fun the whole family can enjoy.

12:17 – Petway just slammed it home hard, giving ESPN an excuse to show his ridiculous haircut. His girlfriend shaved the famous wings of the Michigan helmet into his hair. Which would be fine, except they did it backwards. Instead of making his hair into the wings, they shaved the wings out of his hair. It looks absurd.

12:20 – Incidentally, Ekpe Udoh is a 6-10 240 black man who grew up in Oklahoma. That had to be an interesting childhood. I imagine he was used as a local reference point. “The gas station? Well, go about a mile down that road, until you see a 6-10 black kid, and then turn left.”

12:25 – Steve Lavin informs me that the United Center has some of the best hot dogs in the Midwest. Good to know, Steve.

12:26 – Ooooh good news, Erin Andrews on the sideline. Several hundred college boys flipping between this and the UNC came on ESPN2 just set down their channel changers.

12:27 – Thad Matta’s (OSU’s coach) daughter apparently didn’t want to stand for the national anthem. Lesson: the Buckeyes hate our troops. Alternatively she may have been 4 years old and engrossed in her pizza…speaking of which, I should grab lunch.

12:32 – Steve Lavin just commented that Michigan needs to win this game “if they want a chance to make the tournament.” Which raises an interesting possibility. Maybe we don’t want a chance. Maybe Tommy Amaker hates the NCAA tournament. That would explain a lot about the last few years.

12: 38 – Harris cuts it to 1. TOURNEY BABY! Okay, actually there’s 23 minutes left, so I may be speaking too soon.

12:40 – Okay, second totally random basketball aside: Scottie Pippen coming back to the NBA. Some of my readers may not be familiar with Scottie (which is sad), but he played with Jordan on the Bulls…which was 10 years ago for those who don’t recall. In fact, Scottie hasn’t even played in 3 years and he’s now 41 years old. Now, if Scottie wants to come back, that’s fine. If he can play well enough to get signed, then good for him. But I wouldn’t want to be a young player on the team that signed him. Every damn time you laced up your shoes he’d be leaning over your shoulder “In my day we didn’t have all these fancy sneakers. We played barefoot when we had too. And the floor was uphill…both ways.”

12:44 – My friend just informed me that the a television pilot is being developed around the cavemen from the GEICO commercials and a movie is being made for the Burger King. I think the idiocy of both of these ideas pretty much speaks for itself, so I’ll just leave it at that.

12:45 – Dave O’Brien is comparing the “coaching styles” of Thad Matta and Tommy Amaker. I can sum that up pretty quickly: one of them is a good coach, the other is not. I leave it to you to decide which one is which (here’s a hint: one of them has never been in the NCAA Tournament). Anyway, they were actually talking about how animated Matta is and how deadpan Tommy is. This prompted Steve Lavin to compare Tommy Amaker to John Wooden. Now, I’m not saying comparing Tommy Amaker to John Wooden (who won 10 NCAA championships) is like comparing apples and oranges. I’m saying it’s like comparing the number 72 to Baroque music. It’s like comparing conjunctions to the Cuban Missile Crisis. It’s like comparing John Wayne Gacy to the theoretical dark energy that may be driving the acceleration of the expansion of the universe.

12:50 – Jay Bilas is explaining why Duke will still be an 8 or 9 seed at the lowest. This is where, as a blogger, I’m supposed to rail against the Duke Bias in the media, and how Coach K is the devil, etc, etc. But I really like Duke. I always liked Duke, and I like them even more now, cause their law school sent me a USB key, despite the fact that I really have no intention of going there. Go Duke!

1:01 – Dammit, I just bit my lip on my pizza. Also, I think I have a cavity. In case you wanted to know.
1:03 – ESPN just showed a commercial for an online dating service called “ItsJustLunch.COM.” Basically the commercial shows a guy at work who gets mocked after his co-workers saw his online dating profile. ItsJustLunch offers you an online dating service with “no photos or online profiles”. ItsJustLunch.com, for the online daters who want to skip getting to know each other and go right to being brutally raped and murdered by serial killers. I’m all for online dating, but this particular service is just fucking creepy.

1:10 – Greg Oden was just surrounded by four Michigan players and still grabbed the rebound. I fucking hate that guy.

1:11 – Steve Lavin tells us that Michigan needs to make sure we don’t allow OSU to go on one of its “patented runs”. Which leads me to something I’ve noticed recently: we use “patented” too much. I think it might be a problem particular to sports, but maybe it extends further. Anyway, if something is patented, then only one person/group can do it. OSU’s runs are not “patented”. Many teams go on runs. For example, the good ones. Tom Brady’s comebacks (much as I love them) are not “patented”. Many QBs lead comebacks. You want something patented? Try Drew Stanton’s poor decisions. Those are fucking unique.

1:14 – Mike Conley just had to come out after running into a screen from Petway. Lesson: Buckeyes are pussies (who hate our troops).

1:19 – Steve Lavin tells me that some of the greatest gangsters of all time hail from Chicago. Also there’s good shopping on Michigan Avenue. I had no idea how much Musburger held this team up.

1:33 – Okay, Michigan is now within 4, with the ball with 9 minutes left. It’s possible I’m going to zone out and watch the game for a while. I’ll leave you with a cute picture of a puppy to entertain you.

2:00 – Anyone who wants to start a “Fire Tommy Amaker” club, I’m down for it. I’m off to lay down in the fetal position in the shower and cry.