Craig's List

Chances are most of you have never heard of craigslist.org. The site started in San Francisco (probably by some guy named Craig...I'm just guessing here), and basically it's a classfied ads page on the internet. It's got rental/sublet listings, shit for sale, job postings, and personal ads. It has, over several years, spread from San Fran to any number of cities, including Ann Arbor (which is why I've heard of it).

Anyway, that's the background. I found out about Craigslist last summer, and check it every so often (once a month maybe) just to see if there's any cool stuff under the "Free" listing within the sales section (every so often there's like a poker table or something sweet being given away by someone who's moving). But that's not the section I want to talk about.

The section I want to talk about is within the personals. I started checking the personals this summer when my co-worker and I found the "missed encounters" page. Basically this is unintentional comedy at it's highest. It's a page of postings that all go something like "I saw you this morning at Starbucks. You had hair, I was wearing a shirt, I'm sure you remember me. Despite having seen you for four seconds and knowing nothing about you, I'm certain we must be soulmates. Give me chance to meet you, because I'm too big of a pussy to have said hi then." Anyway, this page is great. My favorite ever post went something like this (and this is me paraphrasing, but it's pretty close):

'You were standing on the corner of State and Hill this morning around 10. I drove by in a black Saab and shouted "CRAAAIGSLIIIST!" out the window.'

And I just love that. Because it brings me hope that somewhere in AA is a guy who drives around shouting Craigslist at every cute girl he sees, and then posts this like once a week. And presumably he thinks this is perfectly reasonable behavior.

But as much as I love the "missed encounters", Craigslist has recently added a page that is far more...bizarre. This page is called "casual encounters" and I'm sure you can deduce what it's about. What follows for the next few paragraphs is a sampling of posts from this page, in approximate order of how fucked up I find them (least to most). Some of this is a little graphic, just as a warning.

6'0, 150 lbs, brown hair, just finished my 4 years military and have my birthday tomorrow! So that'll make me 23 then. I'm just lookin for an older woman mainly (28-45) for a good time and to be taught a few things. By no means would I turn away someone younger, but I haven't been with that experience yet. Looking for friend with benifits only to meet here and there. My place won't work so I'd have to go to yours. Sending me your pic will get you mine.

i'm looking for a girl who loves to suck and can't get enough of it. i'm attractive well hung (but not too big) and would love to have some NSA fun with you. i'd be happy to return the favor and would love to go further than oral sex (but that also enough if thats all you're looking for). i'm drug and disease free and will be very discreet. let me know if you're interested. no men please.

God bless the irrationally homophobic.

I have been studying like way too hard and I want to have some fun. You'll need to let me come there as I have 3 roommates and I want to be discreet. You know how college girls talk. Today or tomorrow would work best for me. Pick a place to meet and then we can go back to your place and have hot sex. I'm 5'6", strawberry blonde hair, 125#, 34D and real cute.

Based on craigslist, all women weigh less than 130 pounds and have at least size 34 C cups. So that surprised me

I'm pretty much a str8 guy,but I like to suck dick ever now and then.. Today is one of those days.. Looking for other str8 guys that wouldn't mind letting another str8 guy suck their dick..

I'm a single white male, 5'8" tall, brown hair, blue eyes, weight proportional to height who seeks a local female in need of a good bare borrom spanking. I can set goals for you and issue discipline to correct bad behavior such as weight gain, out of control spending, etc. Let's meet once you get a medium level spanking and we talk about what you would like corrected in your life? Then going forward we can meet weekly or biweekly and if goals are met the spankings are light. If goals are not met, well you know what will happen. Interested? Email me.

Weird and creepy or no, this is quite well written for Craigslist.

I want to suck your cock in the changing room at Victoria's Secret. I want to fuck you in the bathroom during dinner at the restaurant. I want you to lick my pussy in the park. Give me a facial in the stacks at the library. How I'd love to do all these and more. Will you join me in these public displays of affection. I'll look good on your arm being 5'8", 123# with long chestnut brown hair, a great smile and an awesome fit body.

Looking for a woman that is pregnant and plans to breastfeed, or some one that is lactating now that would be willing to share her breastmilk with me. I would be willing to pay you $1000.00 in cash for the privlilege and would like to meet with you often. I am white, 5' 11' brown hair, hazel eyes, with a hard body and a soft heart, I will also remain vary discreet, thank you.

hey im looking for a lady (slave pref.) in the ann arbor area who would like to hook up NSA, preferably one into beasitality. (my emphasis) please respond back if ur interrested

Hello Ma'am: I'm a 44 year old single submissive white male. I'm 5'8" tall, brown hair, blue eyes and my weight is proportional to my height. I seek a local female who would either just like to set back and watch me jerk off, use toys on myself or someone who seeks to participate in whatever way she chooses. My toys include a butt plug, nipple clips, clothes pins, paddle, belt, catheter tube or anything elase you might request me to bring. I'm very discreet and would expect the same. My place or yours is fine. If your interested please email me and tell me what you might enjoy and I can schedule something. Please no men or couples (man and woman).

It's the ma'am that gets me on that one.

When spanking just isn't good enough........... - m4m - 38 sommetimes an old fashioned enema is just the thing you need. 18-35 in-shape guys. Send face pic

And this one is by far my favorite I've seen so far. Keep in mind all of this is from a 20 year old girl.

I am a 20 year old girl that is looking for a BI-GUY. NO straight guys and NO gay guys, only bi-guys. You must be between the ages of 18-25, if you’re hot and a little older than I can probably make an exception. Race is not important at all.
Now what I am looking for is a guy that will help me with some of my fantasies. I want a guy that can and will fuck me good in front of my boyfriend, someone who will humiliate him with me, someone who will make him dress up like a girl and service you while I watch. I want a guy that will satisfy all of my dirty fantasies.
You must send a picture with your e-mail; I will send one of us if I like what I see. Please only people that are serious reply! I might take awhile to get back to you but I want a guy that can truly help me out with what I am looking for. You must be disease free. I am white 5’6. 34C, 145lbs.

Okay, now that I've gotten all that out of the way, here's my basic comment:

WHAT THE FUCK IS WRONG WITH THESE PEOPLE?!?!?!

I like to think of my self as a pretty progressive guy. I don't want to make judgements. Straight, gay, bi, I don't care, you do your thing. You like anal? That's fine. You like being spanked? Enjoy. You like...using catheter tubes...I don't really understand, but catheter away. Threesomes, foursomes...pregnant breastfeeding (what the fuck? Seriously, what the fucking fuck?), you do whatever makes you happy.

But isn't there a way to do all of it without resorting to posting for anonymous sex online? Aren't there like clubs for this kind of thing or something? And what the hell is with everyone specifing no diseases? Dude, if you're asking for a submissive woman who enjoys beastiality, you're probably open to the idea that everyone has their little fetish. And maybe her's is spreading herpes. You really think the dude with the clap, patrolling the anonymous sex postings is going to be deterred by a polite, no diseases please? Isn't that like saying "and please don't respond if you're actually a crazy fucking psycho who plans on chopping off my head and keeping it in your freezer?"

And who are these people? Do I know people like this? Is the kid from my marketing group also participating in anonymous bisexual threesomes that include the usuage of rodents? Does my waitress from last night sell her breastmilk to the guy who loves enemas? Where the hell do these people come from?

Cause with a lot of things, I can imagine where my life may have taken a turn in that direction. But I'm afraid I can't put my finger on what would have to be different about my childhood for me to find myself one day posting: Just moved to michigan looking for younger male i\to help welcome the wife. I'm straight will watch and participate.

Who the fuck are these people? Are they jokes? Are they liars? Are they psychos? Or is this seriously something that people do on a daily basis in the real world?

And here's one of my favorite aspects of the list: probably 75% of the postings (gross estimate, that) are for tonight, as in the solicitor is looking for a sexual partner for that night. Which I find amazing. Is the traffic for this that consistent? I would think you'd want to post at least three days ahead of time to give yourself some leeway.

I don't understand. My naive little world is being shattered as we speak.

Okay, just one more post before I close, because this is just amusing.

Do you like playing chess and giving something up when you loose? Why don;t you have some fun with me ;o)

Where has all the bread gone?

So according to a recent comment on my blog, I got confused about which team was which in that last post, and McElwain's team actually beat that other team by like 30, not lost to it by a ton. Which makes more sense really. Why the hell didn't my fact checker catch that? (what fact checker? The only two people here besides you me and Scott Baio. I'm not so much a fact checker as a schizophrenic delusion that lives in your head. And Scott Baio's too busy doing cocaine off strippers to check your little "facts" -ed.)

Right. Anyway, sorry about the mix-up. Not that any of you give a damn. Also, whoever posted the comment with all the porn links in it, that's just inappropriate. I like to consider this a PG blog...with a lot of swearing...and often graphic imagery about violence...and sometimes I talk about graphic sexual materials...and there was that one time when we all got drunk and sacrificed a goat to Allah. But still, I don't go to your pornsite and post a bunch of links to stupid humor sites like Scribs or Penny Arcade. Which are both quality sites, you should all check out (also many of the sites linked to in that post are quality sites as well - Scott Baio).

Anyway, tragedy struck today, or at least I think it might have. I went to Meijer, and to Kroger, and at neither place could I find the Golden Split Top White bread that I've ate since I was about 5 years old. Now, maybe they were just both out of stock. Or maybe the package was changed and I didn't spot it.

But I'm becoming increasingly worried that my bread has gone out of business, or isn't stocked anymore, or perhaps I've stepped into some horrible alternate universe where the Nazis prevailed, and all the Golden Split Top bread was destroyed.

I'm probably being paranoid, and my bread will probably be there next week when I look again, and all will be well. But it did bring to me this cold realization: one day, it is very possible that their will be no Golden Split Top bread. Or perhaps Kellogs will go out of business, meaning no more Pop-Tarts. Or maybe Comedy Central will fold. Or some other even more horrible tragedy that I can't even bring myself to imagine.

It's the kind of problem that you never really think about. When they say "All good things come to an end" I always think of college, or relationships, or losing a job, or the death of a loved one. And while those are often very difficult to deal with, I understand that I will have to deal with them. But I never considered the possibility that I wouldn't be able to buy a New Balance shoe.

I'm afraid...somebody hold me.