Vegas Baby, Vegas

Sorry for the vacation week I took everyone, but posting to the blog from Las Vegas just wasn't on my list of things to do.

However, having spent the last week in the city of sin, I now have a couple of things to talk about.

First off, if I was a smoker, I'm pretty sure I'd go live in Las Vegas. LV is the only place left in the country where smokers win the "Can I smoke here?" arguments. Only in Vegas would a smoker sit at a blackjack table, listen to everyone else at the table complain about smoking, and then choose to light up anyway. I love it.

Another great things about smoking in Las Vegas is the cigarette girls. I don't know how many of you used to watch cartoons a lot and would recognize the "cigarettes girl voice" from some of the old Bugs Bunny cartoons, but if you do, go to Las Vegas. Not all of the girls, but most of them, have apparently been trained to say it in that exact voice. And just hearing one girl go "cigahreyttes" is completely worth the plane ride.

Speaking of plane rides, let me highly recommend Spirit airlines as the only way to travel. Especially if you enjoy metal screeching noises that scare the shit out of you and the plane rattling a lot during the landing and generally feeling like it might fall apart at any given moment. Nobody beats Spirit when it comes to terrifying their customers.

My final impression from Las Vegas is that the ONLY place to stay there is Caesar's Palace, assuming of course that you're fuck off rich. The place is fucking fantastic. It's the most ostentatious thing I've ever seen in real life. They don't build things like that in this country. You have to go to Versailles to get that level of over the top decadence. It's great.

Moving out of Las Vegas, for those who haven't been watching the news lately, they found a guy who may have kidnapped Jon Benet Ramsey...maybe. The only thing I can tell you about him is that his d's look like lowercase deltas. So maybe he's a mathematician or something. I have no idea.

My thought on the Ramsey thing is actually this: Jon Benet is a weird looking kid. Seriously, she looks kind of freaky. She's got sort of a village of the damned/porcelain doll thing going on. If the guy copped the insanity plea and said he kidnapped her because he thought she was a minion of Satan, I would buy it.

Finally, in some exciting news, Wendy's has unleashed a new flavor of Frostee. Get ready folks, for the ever-exciting, heart pounding, edge of your seat world of...VANILLA.

Wait, what the fuck? Vanilla? Vanilla? That's you're new flavor? Fucking Vanilla?

I'm not a Wendy's fan, so I always assumed they had a vanilla, and everyone just always preferred the chocolate. Who doesn't have vanilla? Coming out with a new flavor of ice cream dessert and having it be vanilla is like coming out with a brand new type of entree: A hamburger...with CHEESE on it. Holy fucking shit, a hamburger with cheese on it? But what will Jehovah think? (Oooh, somebody's gonna get stoned -ed.)

Was there a debate in the Wendy's boardroom over whether the world was ready for a vanilla frostee? Was the guy who proposed this the Rebel of the Wendy's Corporate World? (Sting fucking ruled the WCW - ed.)

And speaking of new fast food offerings, I like that Burger King is calling it's new type of burger a BK Stacker. As if this was a whole new way to make hamburgers, and previously everyone had simply laid all the ingredients out in a line on a super long bun. But not BK, oh no, they're going to freaking STACK things on top of each other. Caraaaaazy.

Science is Fun!

In this week's post, the FMRC takes a hard look at some current developments in the wonderful world of science.

First up, it seems that the argument has once again started over whether or not Pluto is a planet. The following from Ned Potter at ABCNews.com:

"Any 6-year-old can tell you there are nine planets. Maybe there ought not to be. Nearly 2,500 astronomers from 75 countries on planet Earth are in Prague, Czechoslovakia, for a meeting of the International Astronomical Union. During their 12-day meeting, they plan to debate a question that has long divided them: Just what qualifies as a planet?"

The debate in large, centers around whether Pluto should be considered a planet. To begin, I'd like to thank Ned for clarifying that none of the astronomers involved are in fact Martians or even Plutonians, who would obviously be biased in their opinions. Thanks Ned.

Ned further goes on to say that "Astronomers have a problem of cosmic proportions on their hands," which leads me to believe that someone, either Ned or these 2,500 astronomers, should be re-examining their priorities.

Does anyone really give a fuck if our current list of planets doesn't fit a nice and neat definition?

And moreover, do these astronomers really think they're going to change the list of planets on us at this point? Five'll get you six that if they even try to knock Pluto off as a planet, the public would tell them to go fuck themselves and go right on considering Pluto a planet.

Now they might get off with adding a tenth planet to the list (although the current name of Xena is going to have to go, which, thankfully, they realize). But then that's just going to open the floodgates to including dozens more planets, and that just makes keeping track of them annoying as hell.

I like the compromise that some astronomers have suggested, that we create a new term for spherical worlds too small to be considered planets: "Planemo"

Frankly it sounds like a cleaning product for planets: "Are you sick of your planet's lack of shine? Does the all the red dust surrounding you just piss you off? Advanced intelligence will never grow on a dusty, dirty planet, so pick up PlaneMo for that new planet shine. Now in lemon, mint, and nebula scents."

But if you think the most worthless thing scientists could spend their time doing is debating the what we should consider an ice covered rock several hundred million miles away, you'd be very very wrong.

Cause in Scotland, a group of scientists has successfully done the following: frozen mice (some for up to fifteen years), then extracted sperm from them, and impregnated other mice with that sperm. Ahh, the march of progress.

Personally, I like the idea that there was a scientist, a Dr. Macintosh or something, who was eagerly waiting for fifteen years, and finally he woke up one day and said, "This is it, this is the day. I've waited for a decade and a half, and today's the day. Today, I'm going to use spermcicles to knock up a bunch of mice."

But wait, before you condemn the experiment as pointless and without merit, consider the possible benefit: These scientists think such positive results might mean it is possible to extract sperm from frozen woolly mammoths and use it to impregnate elephants.

This would apparently create some sort of woolly elephant hybrid, the closest thing we could get to actual woolly mammoths. Just imagine the possibilities. We could have...big hairy elephants.

How many time have we all gone to the zoo, gazed at the elephants and thought to ourselves, "You stupid lazy excuses for mammals. If only you had more hair. Then you'd be good for something. Stupid hairless bastards."

Finally, it seems that there are now more overweight people in the world than starving ones. Currently we have 850 million people starving to death, and about 1 billion people who are overweight.

Personally, I think there's a clear way to kill two birds with one stone here. The obvious answer: cannibalism.

Now I'm not a heartless man, so I would never suggest we should kill fat people and feed them to the starving of the world. That would be wrong. But I am all about using the resources we have. And I figure that dead fat people must have a pretty good amount of edible meat on them.

Apparently a body-mass index of 25 is considered overweight, and 30 is considered obese. So let's say, anyone who has a BMI of 26 or more when they die is shipped off to India or somewhere and fed to starving people.

You'd (1) feed starving people and (2) convince people to try and live healthier lives, since no one really wants to get eaten when they die.

Now it has been pointed out to me that this isn't the ideal solution, since fat people will be made up primarily of fat, so it won't really be incredibly healthy for the starving people. But my feeling is that begging cannibals can't be choosing cannibals, so they should take what they can get.

And if they want a healthier snack, they should feel free to eat any astronomers debating what to call Pluto or biologists spending their time freezing and knocking up mice that they happen to find.

Category: Science

It's the End of the World as We Know It

Folks, I've found my purpose in life. I know it now.

It was all made clear to me by the following post on Google News:

US Weekly reported Actor Vince Vaughn proposed to "Friends" actress Jennifer Aniston on their return trip from Puerto Vallarta, Mexico.

And now I know my purpose: I must kill all the children of this wretched coupling. Because, to be perfectly honest, I believe that any such infant would, in fact, be the Antichrist.

To be fair, Aniston is denying the report, saying, and I'm paraphrasing here: "Are you fucking kidding me? Look at me. I'm Rachel Fucking Green. Do you really think I'd be so pathetic as to marry the fucking loser from Swingers? Seriously? Fuck you US Weekly, see if you ever get an interview with any of the Friends again."

When reached for comment Matthew LeBlanc said, "Well you know, we're all friends off-screen too."

You might wonder why I believe that the child of Vince and Jennifer (Jince? Vinifer? See this is why these guys can't be a couple, those would be shitty tabloid nicknames), will be the Antichrist. I've got two words for you: Wedding Crashers. I think it's obvious that Satan had a hand in deceiving the world into believing that movie was actually funny.

Personally, I pray to God that the report isn't true, simply so I don't have to read 18,000 magazine headlines punning on "Wedding Crashers".

In other important news: Maurice Clarett is a fucking moron.

Shouldn't that be ESPN.com's headline right now? Wouldn't that be great?

Maurice Clarett: Total Fucking Moron
(Insert silly picture of Clarett in dunce hat here)
Maurice Clarett can't stay out of trouble. Page 2 writer Skip Bayless asks, "What the fuck is wrong with this guy? Seriously, what the fucking fuck is the matter with him?"

Finally, some terrorists were apprehended plotting to blow up airplanes or something. I didn't really read the article.

Robots with Laser Rifles

Well, first off, you may have noticed a few changes here at the FMRC. We put in a swanky new logo. We added a search function for the blog through technorati, as well as a couple of links and Google's AdSense (although, at the moment, the blog gets mainly adds about Jesus. You know us at FMRC, we're HUUUUUUGE Jesus freaks. Especially Scott Baio).

Also, from now on, blog posts will have a "Category" link at the bottom of the post. In a strictly hypothetical sense, you could clikc on this link and it would give you a list of recent posts from other Blogs on a similar category. More though, this is in an attempt to triple my readership (from 2 to 6), by allowing Technorati users to find my posts via these "tags", as the cool Technorati kids call them.

One final note before I get on to the meat of this post, I wanted to let you know, for those who hadn't heard, the shocking news. The story broke last week, and frankly, I was shocked. I damn near fainted. Lance Bass, of N*SYNC fame, is a homosexual.

That's right, you heard me correctly: Lance Bass likes dudes. I'll give you a moment to deal with the astonishment.


Okay, now that you've all fully recovered from that amazing revelation, and we've got the administrative bullshit out of the way, I'm happy to say that I've got just one day left at my current job, which means: MORE POSTS SOON.

I hope, over the next few months, to try to get into a "once a week" rhythm with the blog. Over/Under on how long that lasts? One week.

Still, I'm a little bummed to be leaving my job, which is working to get a Democrat elected to the House of Reps, as most of my loyal readers know (and by most I mean 1 and a half...one of them has multiple personality disorder, and while Roberta knows, Samuel has no idea who I am, just that his ass usually hurts on Wednesdays).

(Umm...excuse me? -ed.)

Nothing. I said nothing. As I was saying, I've spent the summer trying to get a Dem elected, I'll refrain from saying who, primarily because his name is tricky to spell. Anyway, I never felt particularly good about working for a Democrat, and one of the reasons why is their ridiculously futile insistence on keeping Social Security as is. For those who like Social Security, allow me to explain why your opinion is wrong.

Here's how Social Security works: Back when all our grandparents were kids, the government realized they had no money. So they went to our grandparents and said "Hey look, you're not very good with money, so why don't you give us some of your money and we'll hold onto it for you, and then give it back to you when you get old." And our grandparents, because they were stupid, thought that sounded like a good idea. So they all gave the government a little bit of their money. The Government then went off and bought a bunch of cool stuff with the money, radios... Rolls Royces... tanks... things of this nature.

A while later out grandparents got old and annoying and started demanding the money that they had coming to them. Since the government had already spent it all, they went around to our parents and said "Hey look, you're not very good with money, so why don't you give us some of your money and we'll hold onto it for you, and then give it back to you when you get old." And our parents, because they were stupid, thought that sounded like a good idea. This time the governemnt took a whole bunch of money, so they could gave half to our grandparents, and then still buy really cool things, Such as televisions... Corvettes... intercontinental ballistic missiles...things of this nature.

Problem is, eventually our parents will also get old and irritating (for some of us it's already happening), and they're going to want their money back. Then the government is going to come to us, and say "Hey look, you're not very good with money, so why don't you give us some of your money and we'll hold onto it for you, and then give it back to you when you get old." And we're going to say yes, because we have poor pattern recognition skills, because our elementary school teachers always skipped math when other activities ran long.

But here's the thing, the government's going to need to take an assload of money. Because (a) they already owe our parents a bunch of money and (b) they still want to buy really cool stuff. Only now they're going to want to buy computers... space vessels... killer androids with heat-seeking lasers, things of this nature. And I don't know if you've priced killer androids with heat-seeking lasers recently, but let me tell you they cost a pretty penny (probably has something to do with not existing yet).

Anyway, I don't know about you guys, but I don't really plan on making enough money to buy the government a bunch Terminators (at least not unless you all start clicking on the ads for Jesus Ringtones a lot more).

And that, my friends, is why Democrats are wrong (for why Republicans are wrong, see The George W. Bush Administration).

Category: Politics