Global Peace through Mutual Masturbation

I live in Ann Arbor, Michigan, which means I've been witness to some of the most pointless and ridiculous protests/movements mankind has to offer. Not a week goes by where someone doesn't protest something, and a lot of these protests don't really include any actual means for solving a problem.

For example, after the 2004 elections, a number of protesters marched to protest George W. Bush getting elected again. Mind you, they weren't protesting his foreign policy or his beliefs on seperation of church and state or his economic policies. They were simply protesting the fact that he won the election. Citizens Against Democracy or something like that.

And I was forced to wonder, what the hell did they hope to accomplish? Did the think that maybe if they got on the 6 o'clock news that President Bush would see a clip of it and decide to resign? Because that's fairly unlikely.

Once upon a time protests had a purpose. People wanted something to change. MLK led sit-ins to force an end to segregated establishments. Our parents marched to convince the government to withdraw from Vietnam. Gahndi fasted so that he could fit into that skimpy little diaper he was always wearing. And so on.

But my generation seems to protest a vague sentiment of evil without any actual plans for change. There was a stop sign by my old house in Ann Arbor. As with many stop signs someone had spray painted a word beneath it (i.e Stop War, Stop Bush, Stop Racism, Stop Movie-Tie-in Legos...). This particular sign read "Stop Them". I still think of it as the perfect symbol of my generation.

My generation that seems to protest things simply so that they can hear themselves complain and congratulate each other for being so compassionate and worldy. The perfect example of this is all the protests for world peace. Every other day I see a hunger strike for world peace, or a bowl-a-thon for world peace, or a sit-in for world peace, as if a bunch of college students walking around carrying signs with catchy slogans are going to convince all the people in the world who hate each other to lay down arms. Guess what guys, world peace requires more than happy sentiments. It requires growing an economic infrastructure in Africa, solving century long ethnic and religious disputes, and figuring out a way for scarce resources to be available in abundance to everyone. I'm just saying, you might want to throw more than one bowl-a-thon next month.

At the end of the day, all these protests are really nothing more than giant circle jerks for world peace, so that everyone involved can feel better about themselves. And if you don't believe me that these events are just mutual masturbation festivals, I give you the Global Orgasm for Peace.

Yes, that's right the Global Orgasm for Peace. December 22nd marks the First Annual Solstice Synchronized Global Orgasm for Peace.

"The mission of the Global Orgasm is to effect change in the energy field of the Earth through input of the largest possible surge of human energy. Now that there are two more US fleets heading for the Persian Gulf with anti- submarine equipment that can only be for use against Iran, the time to change Earth’s energy is NOW!

The intent is that the participants concentrate any thoughts during and after orgasm on peace. The combination of high- energy orgasmic energy combined with mindful intention may have a much greater effect than previous mass meditations and prayers."

Now, I know what you're probably thinking: "Wow, what a fucking crack-pot idea. What do these guys think is going to happen?" Here's my guess.

These guys believe that if they all blow their wad at once, that somewhere in the Atlantic the following scene will play itself out on a nuclear submarine:

[The submarine's captain puts his hand to his head and sits down]
Executive Officer: Are you all right? What's wrong?

Captain: I felt a great disturbance in the Force...as if millions of
voices suddenly cried out in terror and were suddenly silenced. I fear
something terrible has happened.

XO: You mean like innocents being killed?

Captains: No, more like bedsheets being soiled, tissue paper being wasted, and women being left unsatisfied.

Either they think that's a realistic possibility, or it's all a giant scam by a guy whose girlfriend has been reluctant to go all the way.

"Baby, let's go all the way tonight."

"I thought we talked about this, Johnny, I'm just not ready yet."

"I know honey, but...well...it's the Winter Solstice. And when I think about all those children dying in Darfur...well I think maybe you owe it to them to spread your legs for me, don't you?"

That's right kids. Ask not what mankind can do for your penis. Ask what your penis can do for mankind.

Turkey Day

Well folks, it'll be Thanksgiving in just a couple of days, and you all know what that means, right?

(Oh God, tell me it doesn't mean another ridiculous "special holiday" post with a guest appearance by Scott Baio -ed.)

What's wrong with guest appearances by Scott Baio?

(They're retarded, that's what, no one wants to read another fucking Scott Baio post, not even Scott Baio -ed.)

(Tru dat. -Scott Baio)

Okay fine, no Scott Baio. But in that case I'm going to channel my inner alpha male and ramble about sports for a couple of hundred words. (Works for me -ed.)

Well, it wouldn't be Thanksgiving if we didn't watch a Detroit Lions game while feeling completely apathetic about the outcome since they can't possibly make the playoffs and even if they manage to get a high draft pick, they'll just blow it on another wide receiver.

Actually, I'm excited about the draft. I think it's finally the right time for the Detroit Lions to draft their quarterback for the future. Brady Quinn you ask? No, fuck that Irish bastard (save during the game this Saturday...Go Irish!). I'm talking about MSU QB Drew Stanton.

Here's what Mel Kiper (ESPN's football draft guru for those of you who aren't big sports fans) has to say about Drew Stanton: Desire to win is unmatched and brings every intangible you want at the QB position.

And that can only mean one thing: Mel Kiper has started smoking crack. Either that or his hair gel has finally seeped through his skull. "Every intangible you want at the QB position"? What the fuck are you talking about Mel? Are you refering to how he never wins big games? (0-3 against Michigan). Or how about his incredibly poor decision making skills? (see the 2006 Notre Dame game). Or the fact that his team has folded every year after losing to Michigan? (a combined 3-13 over three years).

Drew Stanton is a gifted quarterback who gets your hopes up and then crushes them by making horrible decisions and fuck-ups.

And that's why it's a match made in heaven. Think about it. When the anti-mojo of the Detroit Lions is combined with the innate losing abilities of Drew Stanton, they will make a force so powerful it will be able to lose any game, no matter how big their lead. They'll find new unthought of ways to lose games. I marvel at the thought. A team of that caliber could score first in overtime and still lose.

Speaking of MSU, I want to toss in my two cents on their search for a new football coach. I fully endorse the idea being floated around that Izzo should coach the team. It's not like he has to actually call plays or anything, he just has to fire the team up at half time. Hell, he could probably keep coaching the basketball team and still do a better job than MSU's past football coaches.

But, the best sports news around revolves around a completely meaningless regular season NBA game. In a match-up between the Knicks and Houston Rockets, Yao Ming's shot was BLOCKED by Nate Robertson.

Now, for the record, Yao Ming measures at 7'5" (or maybe 7'6" depending on who you believe). So that's pretty damn impressive right there.

But those of you who follow the NBA know that it's even more impressive than that. Because Nate Robertson is just 5'9" tall. To give you some perspective, I'm 5'9" tall.

Well, 5'8".



Okay, okay, 5'7".

But still, the point holds that it's a pretty impressive sports play when you really...alright, you want the truth? FINE GODDAMMIT I'M ONLY 5'6"! ARE YOU HAPPY NOW? ARE YOU FUCKING HAPPY?

(deep breaths dude -ed.)

Okay, you probably don't need any perspective to realize how ridiculous a 5'9" guy blocking a 7'5" guy is. I mean, that's a 20 inch difference. I have a friend who's about a foot taller than I am, and I have trouble carrying on a conversation with him. Meanwhile Nate is blocking shots from a guy over a foot and a half taller than him.

I'd link to a video clip of the block, but frankly I'm still bitter about being 5'6" and I don't really give a damn about helping you out.

Happy Thanksgiving.

NES v2006

It was a long time ago when video games passed me by. Somewhere around when they added a joystick to my controller was when I lost the ability to compete in that world. So anything I say on the subject should probably be taken with a grain of salt, given that it's coming from a video game fogey like me. Someone to whom the ultimate gaming code is still up down up down left right left right ba ba select start.

(Or was it ab ab? Or just start? Shit, I don't remember, anyway it doesn't matter you can just reset if you fuck it up)

But that said, I don't understand the current gaming culture's obsession with realism. It seems like every game made these days has to be as realistic as possible. Gamers demand that their machine guns recoil and that their football QBs only be able to see within the proper field of vision. The newest version of Madden has a feature in which you can play a single player (such as a wide receiver). But you can't just select what position you play, you have to get parents and then based on their genetics you're position will be determined. Then you play games as that player, blocking if you're a lineman, or covering wideouts if you're a corner, or complaining that the ball doesn't come your way enough if you're a wide receiver.

I don't know about other people, but I didn't play video games for realism. I played video games to escape. Imagine if the games we played were designed with realism in mind? Mario would never have saved a string of identical princesses from turtle...dragon..things. Instead he would have ran around and unclogged toilets. Extra lives would be granted not for finding 100 coins, but for showing 100 housewives your ass-crack.

With that in mind, I present to you, the new Video Games v2006 series, in which classic games are updated to be as realistic as possible.

Dr. Mario v2006: The general gameplay remains the same as classic Dr. Mario, but due to concerns of the over-presciption of anti-biotics, Dr. Mario v2006 strictly regulates how many pills can be used in each stage. Further, the gray/black pill is unusable as FDA approval is pending. Once the player beats level 7, he is sued for malpractive, and the rest of the game is spent litigating.

Punch-Out!!! v2006: The game is identical up until the player fights Mike Tyson, who is now much easier to beat, but will frequently bite off Little Mac's ear. Even if you defeat Tyson, however, Don King steals all your winnings and you wind up alone and severely brain damaged.

Duck Hunt v2006: In addition to massive graphics updates, in Duck Hunt v2006, the ducks appear only once every six hours. Also, instead of being packaged with Mario, Duck Hunt v2006 is packaged with a six-pack of beer.

Tetris v2006: The updated version of Tetris is slightly different than the original, although the overall concept remains similar. Instead of manipulating pieces made of four squares dropped from the top of the screen, the player joins a revolution against the repressive Tsar, only to find that the regime that replaces him is just as corrupt. Lines are still an important part of the game, although instead of accumalting them to "level up" the player waits in them to obtain the essential items needed to survive. Finally, no matter how well the player performs, soldiers grab him in the middle of the night, take him to Siberia, and execute him.

Final Fantasy v2006: This game is actually identical to the original, but in the case of Final Fantasy v2006, no sequels are made.

Track and Field v2006: Players who use their hands to simulate running on the game mat are now found guilty of steroid abuse, and banned from ever playing the game again.

Kirby's Dreamland v2006: In this new version of the NES classic, Kirby...umm...what the fuck is Kirby? Is he like a marshmallow? Or a cloud? Or just like a chubby pink third grader?

Bomberman v2006: Instead of running away from the blasts, the player is encouraged to be a martyr in the fight against the Great Satan, by strapping his bombs to himself and detonating them next to his opponent. Praise Allah!

Desert Commander v2006: The game starts off as normal, but once the player is victorious he finds that he has no clear exit strategy, leading to an increasing death toll in his soldiers and mounting disapproval at home.

Okay, I think I managed to make that sufficiently offensive by the end. I guess the moral of the story is this: Mudflaps don't go on mailboxes.

Election Recap

Well, two days ago we all (READ: 40% of us) cast our votes to determine the future of our nation. I walked into the church at which I vote, marveling for a moment at the complete ineptness of our current voting procedures.

First I walked in and identified myself soley by giving a name, birthdate, and address. I have to provide more information than this to buy my allergy medication. But we can't make people provide voter IDs, because that would cost them money. Money they have to spend if they ever want to drive, buy alcohol, cigarettes, go to a doctor, or be employed by most companies. But we can't require it to vote, cause that'd be a poll tax.

Then the old bitties who run the polling location screwed everything up, because they're old bitties and moderately senile (extremely well-intentioned, but moderately senile nonetheless). Why do the people who work the polling place have to be incapable of running it efficiently? We don't pay them anything to work there, that's why.

Then, while standing in the makeshift polling booth, the wall of it continually crashed on my head while I try to vote, because we can't spend any money on getting decent polling equipment.

Damn, if only we had a ton of money that was raised in relation to these elections. Then we could take a small percentage of that money and use it to subsidize voter IDs, polling place wages, and decent equipment. God let me think...is there any money that gets changed hands during elections?

Oh hey, how about that $117 million that Michigan candidates raised? How about we take 1% of every dollar a candidate raises, and put it towards a general election fund, rather than one more goddamn flyer distribution. (You can get some info on campaign finance at the Michigan Campaign Finance Network. That's where I'm getting my number.)

Dick Devos raised over $40 million for this campaign. That means $40 million was spent to NOT elect a candidate. Add to that all the other candidates who lost, and Michigan alone probably spent over $50 million not electing people. Take that nationally (and assume that only 10 other states spend that much), and over half a billion dollars was just spent to not elect people.

Even if you don't think that our current lack of real campaign finance regulations creates a worse overall government (and it'd be hard for you to convince me of that), I think we can all agree on something: spending $500 million to not accomplish anything is pretty fucking stupid. You wouldn't, for example, spend $500 million dollars to not build a building. Or to not solve poverty. Or to not be able to shoot down a nuclear missile. Wait a minute...

Anyway, if there were any one law I could pass tomorrow it would be that every type of election would have a cap on how much money you could spend on it. $500,000 for congressional elections. $2,000,000 for Senate. So on and so forth.

But all that money did at least accomplish something: we have (for the time being) a Democrat-controlled House and Senate. Woo-hoo! Thank God.

Now we can look forward to a continued lack of direction in our foreign policy, a continued lack of interest in cleaning up corruption, and a continued lack of fiscal responsibilty. I've never been less excited about my team winning something in my life.

But, at the very least, we have a conflicted government now, and that's something. I think the 1994-2000 era was one of the greatest in our government's history, and I credit that largely to them not doing anything in particular. And I'm looking forward to nothing getting done for the next two years.

And if nothing else, this means our country is shifting back towards the center and out of the hands of the crazy religious right, right? Right? It does, doesn't it?

Well, in the words of the The Wolf, let's not start sucking each other's dicks just yet. Especially not while in the bonds of holy matrimony. That's right, another seven states voted to ban gay marriage.

But that's old news here in Michigan, what we're interested in now is affirmative action. Old Prop 2. The only thing on the ballot any of us really felt strongly about (except of course for the doves...lousy goddamn doves).

I don't want to get into an argument on the merits of affirmative action, or into the question of whether or not Prop 2 will affect a whole variety of programs that have nothing to do with affirmative action (although if you want to talk about either, leave a comment and I'm happy to do so).

But I do want to share with you a facebook message a friend of mine received. He had replaced his profile picture with the "NO on Prop 2" logo as many people had. He happens to feel strongly about the issue, as he is an African-American. This is the message a girl sent him this week:

"no on 2 eh??? im a WOMAN and i say YES on 2!!!!! it should be the most qualified person for any position!!!! you must be a nigger"

Now I'm certainly not equating people who voted yes on 2 with this obviously misguided girl (for example, I'm sure most of you don't feel it necessary to use multiple punctuation marks, and also believe in capitalizing the word 'I' and the beginning of a sentence, but I digress). I'm confident that many people voted yes on 2 because they geniunely felt that affirmative action isn't the best way to create equality, and maybe you're right about that. But if you voted yes on 2 because you don't think there's still inequality, I refer you to one of my favorite Chris Rock quotes: "There still ain't a white guy in here who would trade places with me - and I'm rich."

And We're Keeping Your Whiffle Balls.

Well, the elections are in just 5 days or so, meaning the number of political television ads will increase exponentially over the next week. Personally, I don't get the average political ad, specifically the overwhelming majority of ads that are solely "attack" ads.

First off, I don't really get the overall motivation behind them. Imagine a world in which McDonald's commercials never said anything about their own burgers, but instead showed filthy BK workers and substandard BK ingredients, and BK's commercials were the same about McDonald's. Probably wouldn't make you want to run out and grab a burger would it? It'd probably just turn you off to eating fast food at all.

And that's exactly what the prominence of attack ads has done in America. It's turned people off of voting. Now, I can understand that it's almost always in one party's interest to keep voter turn-out low, but invariably both parties use attack ads.

But I'll accept that maybe you have to use attack ads to counteract the party that wants to keep voter turnout low. Even given that, I just can't understand why they're designed as they currently are. A generic political campaign ad:

"I'm a scary and unpleasant voice. I'm going to read the exact words that appear on the screen, since there's nothing people like more than being read to. No moving images will occur in this commercial, instead we'll just show a poorly-lit picture of the candidate I want you to hate."

How is that a good commercial? Would you buy beer based on a commercial like that? It's the 21st century, and you can't do anything more than a fucking powerpoint presentation?

If I was a candidate, I'd go to Budweiser and hire one of their advertising writers. You can't tell me people wouldn't be more inclined to vote for a candidate whose commercials were actually funny.

Speaking of funny, you may have heard about Kerry fucking up a joke about Bush getting us stuck in Iraq, instead making it sound like he thinks our soldiers are stupid (I'm thinking about calling it Kerry-Fucked-Up-Again-Seriously-How-Many-Elections-Can-One-Man-Lose-Gate, catchy isn't it?).

The Democrats are really outdoing themselves this time. There was no earthly way, given current popular opinion, that the Democrats wouldn't do well this election cycle. They might not have taken back Congress, but they'd have picked up some seats at least. But, ever the trailblazers in the field of losing elections, the Democrats have actually tricked us into thinking we've traveled back in time, to a point where we wouldn't have wanted to vote democrat: the 2004 elections. It's pretty impressive when you think about it.

Meanwhile, the Republicans are working their own ingenious (at least comparitively) strategy: erecting a giant fence. Bush just signed into law a 700-mile fence on the Mexican border (although, in what seems to be the modus operandi of this administartion, the legislation doesn't actually fully fund the 700-mile fence, in fact the billion it authorizes is probably less than half what the fence will cost).

I find it strange that anyone believes a fence will keep illegal immigrants out. Cubans brave leaky rafts and shark-infested waters to come to America. Do we really think Mexicans will be stopped by a fence? I mean, Mexicans aren't THAT lazy.

In point of fact, we don't seem to think that. T.J. Bonner, head of the National Border Patrol Council, said "A fence will slow people down by a minute or two."

It's brilliant...we'll spend a couple of billion dollars in order to annoy some Mexicans. It's the most monumental undertaking in passive-aggressiveness ever imagined. Makes you proud to be an American.

Help me Barack Obama, you're my only hope.