A Frobozz Christmas

I'm doing everything I can to maintain my X-mas spirit. Crazed basketball players, drunken Miss USAs and my psychotic internet connection aside, I'm trying to stay jolly dammit. So this post will be a collection of good cheer and merry holiday stories.

Right after I rip on Carmelo Anthony for a bit.

For those who don't treat PTI as their major news source, the NY Knicks and Denver Nuggets had...let's call it a spat...the other night. You can read all about it here.

I don't really have a huge problem with Carmelo taking a swing at Collins. He was trying to stand-up for a teammate, and (stupid or not) you can't get on a guy too much for that. But after connecting solidly with Collins, he proceeded to run away backwards. What the fuck? What kind of third grade bullshit is that?

But what should I expect from a guy with a WB tattoo on his shoulder?

Seriously, he has a tattoo of the WB logo on his shoulder. How did that happen? Here's the only thing I can come up with.

[Carmelo Anthony and his boys are walking back to the hotel after a night out on the road]

Entourage member #1: Man, Earl Boykins is fucking weird tiny.

EM #2: Yeah, playing with him must be freaky, huh Melo? He's like that little mob boss from the old Bugs Bunny cartoons.

Carmelo: Shit yeah, dog, that Mob Boss was fucking awesome. But you know who I really loved? Fucking Speedy Gonzales.

EM #1: Hell's yeah fucking Speedy was the man.

EM #2: Dude, is that a tattoo parlor?


Anyway, shitty tattoo selection aside, Carmelo (and everyone else involved) is a moron.

Okay, enough Grinching. Let's get jolly.

First up, in a story of cross-cultural holiday joy, a Rabbi in South Jersey is going to get a kidney transplant from a methodist pastor. I'm certain there's a Kosher joke to be made here, but I can't seem to put my finger on it.

In the giving spirit of the season, a teenager found $24,000 at a movie theater and returned it to the lady it belonged too. Why did the woman have $24,000 in cash on her at the movie theater you ask? Because she "hadn't had time to go to the bank." Hey, I'm happy she got the money back, and mad props to the kid for giving it to her, but some people deserve to get nothing but coal, okay? Who carries $24,000 in their purse to a MOVIE?

Hmm, I should probably go deposit this so I can stop worrying about it, but I really want to see that new Bond movie...I'm sure it can wait. Oh, and I should stop off at the nearest innercity and play some pick-up basketball first too.

What the fuck? If I had $24,000 on me and a hole in my stomach, I'd go to the bank before the hospital. Those EMTs have sticky fingers, I'm just saying.

And it's been a wonderful Christmas for breasts. First up, a Florida judge ruled that Elizabeth Book was not guilty of disorderly conduct for baring her breasts outside some auditorium in Daytona Beach. She was publicly protesting the anti-nudity laws of the city, and the judge ruled that since the city's actions were intended to end her protest they were apparently infringing her right to free speech. God Bless America.

And God Bless Amsterdam, where a new report shows that women's breasts there keep growing, and over a third of the country now have D-cups. If that doesn't fill you the warm glow of Christmas cheer, I don't know what will.

Have a merry X-mas and a happy new year, everyone. I'm taking the next two weeks off, so I'll be re-posting sometime the week of the 8th.

Pissing and Pledging

I tend to try to stay away from "personal narratives" in the blog here, but I'm about to violate that rule for the second time in as many weeks. Oh well.

Today I was sitting in a public restroom stall, doing my business, when a man entered the stall next to me. He proceeded to, as I like to call it, "torrentially urinate". I'm sure all the guys are familiar with this type of urination, when rather than a crisp ring of porcelain, you hear what sounds like a monsoon coming out of the fellow. This is the sort of peeing that makes you fear that a great dam has burst, and the entire bathroom may flood.

I'm not sure if ladies have similar experiences or not, and I don't want to know.

Anyway, the fact that he was torrentially urinating was distracting, but not that interesting in itself. What I found strange was that the flow stopped after maybe two and a half seconds. Seriously. And it didn't start up again either. It was like a thunderstorm broke, it poured for an instant, and then the sun started shining again. I was remarkably confused. (Plus I felt bad for the guy, because that sort of piss can't be anywhere near as satisfying as a long-drawn out stream... more on the joys of peeing.

I'd also like to voice my concern over the growing number of gentlemen who seem very comfortable chatting in the men's room. Not cool. The only circumstance under which bathroom discussions are allowed are (a)when intoxicated or (b)after a sporting event. Except for these two, it's simply not acceptable.

Okay, on to actual news in the world, Nancy Pelosi (she's the new Speaker of the House for those who don't follow such things), pledged today that she would be protecting the House Pages, in response to the Foley scandal and the Republicans having covered it up.

This, more than anything I've ever seen, speaks to just how little we now expect from politicians. The woman is making a specific pledge that she won't tolerate child molestation. Is this really something that needs to be said? Shouldn't we be able to assume that "anti-child molestation" is the stance that everyone we vote for is taking?

I'm imagining the possiblity of the Democrats taking the White House in 2008 and keeping up with this strategy. Will the President-Elect make a pledge not to get us involved in unneccessary foreign wars/condone torture of prisoners/mispronounce things constantly?

And that wouldn't be half as good as the Veep's pledge not to shoot friends in the face.

Why I Shouldn't Have Kids

I'd like to start of this week's post by giving a shout out to one of my new readers.

As my loyal readers may recall, on November 21 I wrote a post where I mentioned, among other things, how ridiculous I thought it was that Mel Kiper thinks Drew Stanton is a good draft pick. Specifically, I was annoyed that Mel Kiper included Drew on his "Big Board", his top 25 potential picks.

Well, on November 22nd, Mel dropped Drew. And I think it's pretty clear what that means.

Mel Kiper reads my blog. So Mel, this post is for you, and your fabulous, fabulous hair.

The Mayo Clinic just released a study that found that men with arthritic knees can suffer more severe pain and cartilage loss if they smoke. My question, is why precisely would anyone care?

Do these doctors think a lot of smokers out there are saying to themselves, "You know, increased risk of heart-disease, chronic lung diseases, emphezema, pnuemonia, abdominal aortic aneurysms, acute myeloid leukemia, various reproductive problems and cancer of the lungs, mouth, throat, larynx, esophagus, bladder, kidneys, pancreas and stomach doesn't bother me all that much. But I fucking HATE it when my knees hurt. I got to kick this shit."

I'm just saying, if lung cancer didn't dissaude you, but severe knee pain does, you might want to rethink your priorities.

In a completely unrelated note, I wanted to share with you all a very funny idea that I and two of my best friends had about 4 or 5 years ago. I'm not sure who started the idea and who refined it or whatever, I just remember that it's fantastic.

Basically, this is the best idea for a practical joke to play on your child that I can possibly imagine. It works best with a girl, but it could go either way.

First, in the first months of your child's life, you cover them in blue body paint. Make sure to take lots of pictures. Only take pictures of your kid when they are painted for the first six months or so. At this point you can stop painting your child.

When your kid grows older, say five or six, look through old photo albums with him/her. Make sure these albums have plenty of pictures where your child is blue. When your kids asks why they're blue, tell them that it's because they have a very rare disease called indidermis. Indidermis causes the pigmentation in the body to change, and turns the entire body blue. Tell them you had them treated when they were a baby, and it got rid of the problem. However, the doctor said that Indidermis can lay dormant for decades before returning. He said you should keep an eye out for any parts of the child turning blue later in life, because it might be the first sign of an outbreak that would be treatable, but probably last for a week or so.

Make sure to keep this story up as your child grows. If necessary, convince friends, teachers and even doctors to be your accomplices (you may need to have friends pose as doctors if your real doctor is too "ethical" for this).

Then, two days before your child's prom while they are sleeping, paint their nose blue.

Now you can sit back and have a good laugh while your daughter or son freaks out over how is life is ruined.