"Let the little one-eyed bastards play"

There are three things I worry about on a routine basis:

(1) The eventual collapse of social security plunging America into economic ruin.

(2) The viruses winning the war against humanity.

(3) America getting into a war like 15 years in the future and the 18-23 year olds of the time being such huge pussies that we get our ass kicked by some shitty-ass third world country like Ethiopia or Canada.

Because I don’t know if you’ve noticed, but recently we’ve begun to coddle our children like the slightest bump on the head would turn them into Christopher Reeves (too soon? too soon?).

Personally, I blame home economics class. Hear me out on this. After years of teenagers being forced to carry around eggs and treat them as if they were children, I think our school system has managed to brainwash parents into believing their kids actually are as fragile as eggs (which explains the recent craze of storing infants in tupperware containers lined with cotton balls).

But whatever the cause, I’m sick of all the safe comfortable playground equipment. What the hell is with the molded plastic all set two feet off the ground? At my elementary school we had something called the “Spider Web”. You probably had it too, although maybe you called it something else. It was basically a geodesic dome (yes I said geodesic dome) made of metal bars connected to metal nodes. Underneath it was a bunch of bare ground, on which the grass had long ago died since it was under a fucking metal dome.

Anyway, I have no idea what the people who built this thing intended for kids to do with it, but I do know what my friends and I used it for: to injure each other in creative ways. Whether it was playing chicken on top of it or playing chicken by hanging down from the top. We played games inside it that involved running at high speeds near the overhanging bars. People jumped off from as near to the top as they dared, we played King of the Spider Web, and generally just gave as many concussions as possible.

And you know what? We’re all fine (with the exception of those of us who are now suffering from multiple personality disorder -ed.) (I think I have schizophrenia, actually, you’re more of another person I imagine than a voice in my head) (Oh, I didn’t realize. Well in that case I’m going to go out for a pizza okay? -ed.) (Sure).

Kids need to get roughed up a little. They need to skin their knees. They need to play dodge ball in gym class and learn how to avoid fast-moving projectiles thrown by the more athletic children. In fact, I greatly appreciate having played dodge ball in elementary school, since it served as good training for all of my classes during middle school.

But little kids don’t play dodge ball anymore. Too violent. And they don’t play other contact sports either. And here’s why I worry about all this: we’re turning our children into pussies.

Emotionally well-developed pussies yes. Pussies with high self-esteem, pussies who respect one another’s individuality and personal space, yes. But still pussies. Big giant freaking pussies.

So what happens if we have to send the pussies into battle? Will they approach the enemy and want to talk to it about how they can affirm one another personal values and respect their respective cultures? (actually that might work, they could bore the enemy to death -ed.)

The only thing that sets my mind at ease is that war is becoming more and more computerized. And if there’s anything that today’s kids are getting better and better at, it’s video games. In fact, video games are the only real outlet kids have left for their violent urges, which might explain the exploding popularities of video games in which you decapitate babies and the such.

Anyway, here’s my suggestion. Let the little fuckers beat the shit out of each other in real life sometimes. Because the only violence we let them take part in is virtual violence, and that doesn’t properly enforce the negative consequences of decapitating babies. So either let the bastards take some aggression in real life or put electrodes in video game controllers that will shock the hell out of them whenever they lose a life.

Larry King, done Frobozz Style

A while back (in the Ramblings’ old HTML days…how young and naïve we were then) I put up a post about Sports and why they were, you know, fucking awesome. I did this post in the style of Scoop Jackson of espn.com. I was bored today at work, so I decided to write up my next post, and wanted to do something similar.

So, today’s post is á la Larry King of CNN fame. For those who have never either (a) seen or read Larry King’s News and Views or (b) read ESPN the magazine’s “If Larry King Wrote for us” or (c) seen that awesome SNL sketch where Norm Macdonald parodies Larry King, here’s an idea of what it’s about.

Basically Larry throws out a bunch of quick thoughts on recent events…people in the news…or really whatever the hell seems to come to his mind. Often these thoughts make little if any sense. Anyway, here’s my News & Views:

Maybe it’s just me, but I think if we ever clone a human baby, we should clone a twin. Then we can sit all three babies next to each other and play Three-Baby-Clone-Monte.

I don’t care what anyone says, I STILL think the Detroit Lions should draft Marcus Vick.

The more I think about, the more convinced I am that Kevin Costner has no perceivable acting ability.

Sudden thought: No one on the planet likes the Rock Financial ad campaign.

When it comes to evolution versus intelligent design, evolution wins hands down.

Here’s the dirty truth, gang, despite President Bush having declared the mission in Iraq accomplished almost two years ago, there’s still some work to be done there.

You heard it here first, folks: One day, Google will rule the internet.

Is it just me, or is sliced bread overrated?

You can talk all you want to about D'Brickashaw Ferguson, but I think people are overlooking this Reggie Bush kid.

If you ask me, Aaron Sorkin is the greatest contributor to English literature since Shakespeare.

When it comes to evolution versus the Scientologist belief that we’re all brainwashed alien souls, evolution wins again, and we all feel a deep need to crush Tom Cruise’s larynx.

If you can only see one movie this year, it probably shouldn’t be something you’ve already seen.

I think people are making too big a deal out of this Avian Flu. Relax folks, they’re just birds.

Apple is working with Intel to redesign their processors, and if I know Bill Gates that can only mean one thing: Somebody’s going to get pistol-whipped.

Does anyone else miss Pogs?

Angelina Jolie and Brad Pitt are having a baby. Just a hunch, but it could be good-looking.

The Tenth Circle of Hell

If you’ve never read Dante’s Divine Comedy, I highly recommend it. It’s the perfect book for those who love three line stanzas that don’t rhyme since they were written in Italian originally. Unless you spoke Italian, in which case you could read the original which would rhyme…at least I assume it does. (In point of fact, the entire piece follows a remarkable pattern of ABA BCB CDC DED…where the first and third lines of each stanza rhyme with the second line of the previous stanza, giving off the impression of a fountain or flower blooming forth, it’s called terza rima and was invented by Dante. -ed.) Umm…okay.

Anyway, I was thinking about Dante’s nine circles of hell. Dante’s work outlines a systematic set-up of hell complete with punishments, including locales for the lustful, the gluttonous, heretics, murderers, Evil counselors, Sowers of Discord, alchemists, traitors, and others.

Here’s my problem: Dante’s setup was all fine and good for the middle ages, but I’m not sure the last time I ran into any alchemists. And unless evil counselors refers to high school guidance, I’m not really sure where that one falls either.

On top of that, I find it strange that Dante thinks of betrayal as the worst of all sins, worse than murder and rape. Which apparently means that if Dante was given a choice between his best friend Bob either (a) betraying him over a girl or (b) raping and killing him, he’d go with option B. So that’s odd.

All this is to say the following: it’s about time we added a 10th circle to hell isn’t it? In the modern world, there are a fuckload of sins worst than anything Dante came up with, so I thought I’d throw out a few of the worst.

The first ring…or subcircle or whatever the hell they’re called…of the 10th circle of hell is for people who get in the U-Scan line with more than the 12 item maximum. And to be generous I’ll let those who get in the line with 15 items or whatever slide for now. It’s the motherfuckers who pull in with the carts spilling over with shit. What the hell? It says 12 bitch. I’d rather not stand around holding my 12 pack of pepsi, jar of peanut butter, and loaf of bread, while you scan 19 different baking products. Take that shit to the regular line. Can’t they rig the machines to refuse to scan the 13th item? Or charge a dollar extra for every item? Or better yet, release some sort of powerful electric shock that zaps the shit out of these people?

Next up: couples who sit on the same side of the booth when eating by themselves. There are probably a few of you reading this who think it’s sweet to do it, and I’m sorry, but you’re going to have to burn in eternal hellfire for it. Them’s the breaks. Look, I realize touching your loved ones is fun, but for Christ’s sake give it a break for like two hours. Six thousand years of civilization is with me on this. People are supposed to face each other when they eat. You’ll just have to learn to deal with it.

Third group: people who type lol when they are in fact NOT laughing out loud (for shame -ed.) Look, the letters stand for something. If you aren’t doing it, don’t fucking type it. Also, the eight nanoseconds you save by typing r and u as opposed to are or you aren’t going to give you the free time to find that cure for being a fucking moron you‘ve been looking for. Please stop that as well.


Fourth group: people who suggest Oprah Winfrey deserves to win the Nobel Peace Prize. This might not seem like an issue, but it's come up at least twice for me. At what point did our society decide that the Nobel Peace Prize can just be given to anybody who's nice? Don't get me wrong, Oprah's a great person. Charitable like you wouldn't believe. Did a lot for Katrina victims. Seems to generally care about people's problems. And if you want to give her that Presidential Gold Medal thing we give out, that's cool. Make her Time's Man of the Year? She'd be a fuckload better than Bono. (Bono shouldn't even be Time's Member of U2 of the Year -ed.) But shouldn't Peace Prize recipients do something that has to do with, you know, peace? When Oprah solves the Kashmir conflict, toss her name in the hat, but until then shut the fuck up about it. She hosts a TV talk show. She does not bring stability to the Middle East. Let's not make this more than it is.

Well, for those who I've already condemned to the bowels of hell...sorry about that. Sucks to be you I guess. For those I haven't, trust me, I'll get to you at one point or another. And just to be clear, I'm confident there's a prime seat being warmed for me in the tenth circle as well.

Next post: Why seat warmers piss me off.

Or maybe something political, I don't know.