Warning: Unfunny Post! Warning: Unfunny Post!

The Madness is coming folks. I hear it, calling me. It's going to be here in just a few short weeks, The 2006 NCAA Basketball Tournament. March Madness.

And it's about this time every year when my female roommates find themselves unable to fathom how I can watch that much basketball. Because I exaggerate not one bit when I say that on March 16th and 17th I will not leave the house from noon to midnight. I will leave my couch only to get food and use the bathroom. These are the best two days of the year, and not everybody understands that.

And I've said before, that's okay. It's okay that not everyone gets sports. Sports aren't for everyone. But, once in a while a story comes along, out of sports, that is just so damn great that everyone should hear about it. Well, about a week ago, a story like that happened.

Let me say now, this post isn't going to be funny. I'm not going to rant. I'll try to keep it from being totally sappy and over-the-top, but I make no promises. I just wanted to share this story with people who may not have come across it otherwise. If you watch much ESPN, you've probably seen it already, and it may well be breaking into normal news as well now, but I wanted to mention it just the same.

Here's the setup. It's February 16th, at a high school basketball game at Greece Athena High School, I think in Rochester NY. Since it was senior night for the team, the coach decided to play Jason McElwain, who was a benchwarmer who also served as team mananger, and hadn't played a minute all season.

Now here's where the story gets better: Jason McElwain is autistic. He's a high-functioning autistic high-school senior.

Jason promptly went out and missed his first two shots. Greece Athena was down by double digits anyway, so it wasn't really a big deal. In fact, Jason may not have gotten a chance to play at all if Athena hadn't been out of it. So nobody really cared that he missed his first two shots, they were just excited to see him playing. And then that's where the story gets much, much better.

After missing his first two shots, Jason dropped 6 three-pointers (a school record) to rack up 20 points in 4 minutes. Let me say that again: Kid went 6-6 from distance. Now, Athena didn't win. In fact they lost by about 20. But that didn't stop the student body from storming the court at the end of the game, lifting Jason up, and marching him around on their shoulders.

Now, does all that justify me sitting on my ass for a combined 20+ hours over two days watching basketball? No, probably not. But it's pretty damn cool just the same.

Super Double Bonus Figs

Holy crap, folks. It's a BONUS POST! That's right, this week I managed to drag my lazy ass of the couch not once, but TWICE in order to post new updates.

Today's post has no real unifying theme, there were just a few things on my mind, and I thought post them up.

First and foremost, if you haven't heard, Dick Cheney shot a man in the face. The Vice President of the United States...shot a man...in the face.

Now you might think I would do a whole post worth of jokes on that. But I'm not going to. Why? (1) The Daily Show did so many great jokes, I feel like they stole every possible angle. If you can catch the February 13th episode in reruns or online do so. Funniest first segment ever. (2) The event frankly speaks for itself in terms of humor. The Veep. Took a gun. Filled with birdshot. Shot a man. In the arm? No, not in the arm, in the face.

So since I'm not going to talk a ton about that, what I'd rather discuss is this: Has there every been a sketch or comedy bit in which Dick Cheney was the Penguin from the old live Batman show? Is this something I saw on the Daily Show or SNL? Or has nobody else made this connection yet? Seriously, listen to his voice. It's uncanny.

The other big thing in the news these days: the Winter Olympics where you can watch (in order of likelihood to put you in a coma)...curling...or the luge...or ice skating...or hockey.

My thoughts on the Winter Olympics:

(1) Why the hell is snowboarding in the Olympics? I get that they want to attract a younger audience, but have less than two Americans ever won medals in a snowboarding event? Seriously, who is our competition? The legions of Brazilian snowboarders? Speaking of this do they relax the rules on number of continents on which a sport must be played for the Winter Olympics? Because otherwise, how is snowboarding in it? Are their more than a dozen countries that have snowboarders? Not to mention the luge. A lot of lugers in South America are their?

(2) Bode Miller...what an ass.

(3) Has anyone seen Chad Hedrick at these games? First off, his teeth are frighteningly large. Secondly, he's gay right? I mean, he lisps...announcers keep talking about some guy who's his "good friend", he's got to be gay right?

(4) To give you an idea of exactly how lame the Winter Olympics actually are: American Idol had more American viewers on Tuesday than NBC's coverage of the Olympics.

And last but not least, ESPN.Com is reporting that a substitute teacher in...I don't remember where, but who cares...a substitute teacher was arrested for taking $1 a day bribes to a let his students skip gym class. Seriously. I'm not making that up. This happened.

So let me ask you this, when you bribe your substitute with a one-dollar-bill, do you still do that thing where you fold it into your palm and shake it to him all smooth like?

Basically what I'm saying is this: The VP shot a man in the face...students are bribing teachers to skip gym...and every olympian you see on the news keeps saying "the medals don't really matter that much". I think it's the fucking apocalypse people. Watch out.

Isiah Thomas: Making Sports Fans Everywhere Ask, "Hey, Why Can't I Run the Knicks (into the ground)?"

Man, punning in the title. That's just a great start.

Anyway, for those who haven't heard the news yet, ESPN.com's rumor mill is reporting that the Knicks are trying to get the Magic to trade them Steve Francis. And I quote: "The Knicks believe Francis and Stephon Marbury can play together in the backcourt."

Now for those of you who can name all of 6 players who aren't on the Pistons (and three of them are named "Shaq"...get it? Because he's very, very fat, you see), the names Steve Francis and Stephon Marbury may not mean very much to you, so let me try and make it clear to you, through comparison to my beloved Pistons.

You know that "Team-First" attitude everyone loves about the Pistons? How they look for the pass first and shoot second? How individual stats and playing time and shots taken don't bother them? How they just care about winning?

Well you could think of Francis and Marbury as the anti-Pistons. It's not so much that these guys have never seen a shot they didn't like, as that they've never seen a shot they wouldn't be willing beat the shit out of Channing Frye to take.

Now let me preface ripping on Isiah Thomas as the worst GM since...since...does somebody actually GM the Washington Generals? Anyway, let me preface that by saying that maybe tomorrow it'll turn out that the Knicks actually plan on shipping out Marbury for some picks and just swap one shoot-first-ball-hog 1-guard that Larry Brown hates for another shoot-first-ball-hog 1-guard that Larry Brown will hate. Or maybe Isiah's evil twin is running the Orlando Magic secretly and they're going to give away Francis for Jalen Rose and some sexual harrassment legislation.

But at the moment I'm operating under the following two assumptions: (1) Isiah actually believes that Francis and Marbury can play together and (2) the Knicks are going to have to part with either young talent, prospects, or some nice expiring contracts to get him.

Assuming those are true, then let me be clear: This is the worst idea in the history of sports. This is a worse idea than the White Sox taking money to throw World Series games. This is a worse idea than the NHL players thinking the owners would blink first. This is a worse idea than Tonya Harding having Nancy Kerrigan's knee taken out even though she would've needed to knock off about three dozen olympians plus the entire cast of Disney on Ice and whatever former ice skater happened to be announcing that night before she could have won a medal.

If Bill Belichick decided that Tom Brady was a pretty boy who got too much credit, and that he could win with any QB, so he traded for Joey Harrington and cut TB? That'd be a better idea than the Knicks playing Francis and Marbury.

If the Portland Trail Blazers had known in 1984 how good Jordan would end up being, and they had still taken Sam Bowie over him? That would be a better idea than the Knicks playing Francis and Marbury.

But why limit ourself to sports? Letting Hitler annex Czechoslovakia? Better idea than this trade. Going hunting with Dick Cheney? Better idea than this trade.

Seriously, though, I almost hope they make this trade. A lot of hypothetical questions could be answered. For example: has a backcourt duo ever taken 100% of their team's shots? Has a 2-guard ever punched his point guard in the face, and stolen the ball from him because he was only getting 30 shots a game? Can a team average 0 assists for an entire season? How many possesions could they go without letting their frontcourt touch the ball? How many players would opposing teams have to put on Francis and Marbury before they decided to pass the ball? How high can Larry's blood pressure get before his head literally explodes? And when it does, will he be more or less boring in the post-game press conference?

And, as NBA fans are asking themselves more and more often, would a monkey with autism be better GM than Isiah Thomas?

Ode to a Facebook

Facebook: It's like crack for dorky college students...except you don't have to suck anyone's cock to get it.

Man, that should be their motto shouldn't it? For those who aren't currently in college (and/or those who have better things to do with their time than explicitly type out how they met every single one of their friends), let me give you a very brief explanation of facebook. Imagine your typical "freshman facebook" filled with profiles of all the students at your college. Now link that facebook with all the other facebooks of every college you can think of. Now replace every third profile with a fake profile of John Stamos, or the Pope, or the Bubonic Plague or facebook.com itself (my personal favorite, the picture is a picture of the profile, and the picture in the profile in the picture is of the profile in the picture. It's all very heady). Next, have people scribble "virtual graffiti" on their friends' profiles, composed primarily of stupid chain letters. Finally, have people release far too much personal information to the web community at large, while at the same time affiliating themselves with groups proclaiming one of their fellow students has a nice ass.

And that's facebook. Now you might think from the description that I think facebook is stupid, but I most certainly do not. I think it's a virus sent here from an alien planet intent on destroying the productivity of my generation, make us ripe for conquering in 20 years.

Seriously, I realize that this sounds bizarre to anyone who isn't on facebook (read: "a member of our glorious cult"), but it's the most freaking addicting website since dolphinsex.org.

I can't explain it, but I incessantly need to know anytime any one of my friends changes the slightest detail in their profile. I assume the website is designed to release a special pheromone from your computer while you check it.

Anyway, allow me, for a moment to explain several features of Facebook that I think puts it head and shoulders above the livejournals and myspaces of the world.

(1) While viewing someone's profile the header bar states "John Doe's Profile". When the profile you view is your own, it reads the as follows: "John Doe's Profile (This is you)". Or at least it would if your name was John Doe, which unless your parents hate you, it probably isn't.


Frankly, I find this to be about the most comforting thing I can imagine. It's possible I've mentioned this before in the blog, if so I apologize, but I just find it delightful. In this crazy world, where you never know if you're coming or going, and half the time you feel like you have no idea who you are, you can always check facebook. There you can view a webpage that lists you as a member of "People who Remember Tori from Saved by the Bell" and think to yourself, "yeah, that is me, isn't it?"

(2) The fact that Political Views is listed before all personal information except relationship status. I find this amusing for two reasons: First, given the number of people from my age group who actually bother to vote, I think it's fair to say, albeit intensely depressing, that most of my peers have stronger opinions on "Favorite Music" than "Political Views". Of course the reason politics is given such prominence is that the dorky people from Harvard who run the site probably view it as really important. Secondly, however, even they couldn't find it in themselves to elevate it above RELATIONSHIP STATUS.

It brings to mind a scene form the Tao of Steve (if you haven't seen it I recommend it) in which the main character argues that romantic love is the official religion of America. I don't want to get into that (since I won't do the scene justice), but I think he's got a point, and I think the fact that one of the first pieces of info a site like Facebook asks for is your relationship status speaks to that point.

(3) And speaking of the relationship status, I went to change mine today, and thought to myself that I had no idea what I wanted to change it to. I was going to simply leave it blank, but then I found that facebook has precisely the option I wanted. Under relationship status you can choose: Single, In a Relationship, In an open relationship, engaged, married or It's Complicated.

And I'd like to thank the facebook (and yes when I think of thanking the facebook I think of thanking an amorphous concept of facebook.com, and not the actual people who created the site) for acknowledging that for many of us (if not most), our relationship status doesn't really fit in a little box.

In fact, I'm beginning to wonder if we shouldn't just all choose one of three options: "single, married, It's complicated".

Okay, before I close off this post, I'd just like to comment that the spell checker on the blogging site I'm using here doesn't recognize "blog" as a word. And that amuses me greatly.