Kids these days

Recently a poll was conducted by NYMag.com in which 100 high school age children from Manhattan were asked questions about their sex life and a 100 parents of high school aged children from Manhattan(not the same children necessarily) were asked questions about their child's sex life.

Phew...that's a mouthful.

Anyway, the survey is here if you wish to read it: http://nymag.com/lifestyle/sex/annual/2005/15079/index.html

Much of the results are what you'd expect. A lot more sex exists among high schoolers than their parents think (for example just 1% of parents believed their kid had performed oral sex, while 51% of the kids actually had).

In general the kids were more sexually active than I personally would have guessed. For example, 25% have had sexual conversations with a STRANGER on the internet. Newsflash kids, SxxxiS1ut_15 isn't really a horny fifteen year old cheerleader. He (that's right he) is actually an extremely horny 45 year old accountant. Now you know.

And knowing is half the battle.

Anyway, I don't want to get all old and crumudgeonly here, so I'll avoid the whole "what's the matter with kids these days, blah blah blah." Plus, I imagine the numbers are lower on a national average than they are in Manhattan. But what I do want to do is highlight a few things that caught my interest.

First off, only 36% of parents said that their child had masturbated. 49 of the 100 children were boys. Which means there were at least 13 parents who didn't belive their teenage boy had ever masturbated. Denial: It ain't just a river in Egypt folks.

Speaking of denial, the following statement was made by an 18-year-old boy who was surveyed: "I’m not gay but I acknowledge the fact that I’m attracted to men sometimes. I think, under it all, everyone is gay or has gay tendencies.”

I hate Carlos Mencia with the passion a thousand hellfires, but the man has said one inarguable truth in his horribly unfunny career: If you think you might be gay, then you're gay. Just letting you know son.

Going back to the 1% of all parents who believed their child had performed oral sex, it should be noted that 10% of the parents believd their child had received oral sex. And that's just poor parenting. Shouldn't they be teaching their kids to share? They're obviously not, because while 61% of kids have received oral, only 51% have given. People, it's better to give than to receive. If you think your kid is out there getting blow jobs, you should be encouraging them to reciprocate the favor. It's only fair.

Another interesting question was, "Have you experienced sexual activity while in bed with someone?" This survey, apparently, was done by my mother. Why, precisely, is something done in a bed worse than something done outside of one? I don't get this. Also, could they have come up with a slightly more ambiguous phrase than "sexual activity"? Maybe they could have had Eric Idle do the survey and just give them a "nudge nudge, wink wink, know what I mean, know what I mean?"

This made me feel good: 29% of the teenagers have had sex without a condom. A word to the right-wingers out there: good call with that whole "preach abstinance" thing. Working like a charm.

But if you really want to be disturbed, you have to go to the quotes.

On why they've never had sex:

"No particular reason. I’m not, like, a Christian.” - Girl, 17
Because we all know how wild the Muslims are about pre-marital sex.

“A girl wanted me to do it, but I didn’t want to.” - Boy, 18
If you think you might be gay...

"I don’t want to be an animal.” - Boy, 15
See, I don't really worry that much about the state of our youth's morality, cause I'm sure my peers were having this much sex, and I'm sure our parents were too. But I do wory about the state of our youth's science education. I've got bad news for you kid, you in fact ARE an animal. A primate if you want to be specific. Sorry, son.

On general attitudes toward sex: "Protect yourself. You don’t want to get sick or die. We’re too young for that.” - Girl, 17
She's right, you should really wait until you're 30 to get AIDS. It's way better then.

On waiting until you're old enough:

“It’s awesome, but wait until you’re 16.” - Boy, 14
“I don’t think you should have sex in ninth grade. Probably tenth.” - Boy, 14
What restraint. I don't think I'm ready for it yet...maybe after lunch.

"I don’t think a mouth should be on your private parts.” - Girl, 17
That's just funny.

On regrets: "Yes, because she was ugly.”- Boy, 14
See that's why you should wait until you're sixteen. Cause by then you're mature enough to know that it's not looks that matter. It's popularity.

“I used to feel guilty the first few times, when the girl was really drunk and I wasn’t. But not much anymore, since I have sex regularly.” - Boy, 16
READ: I used to feel guilty about being a rapist, but it stopped bothering me once the Devil claimed my immortal soul.

But you haven't heard it all unless you've heard from the parents.

On what's inappropriate: "The kinky stuff. I don’t know, whatever is possible these days.” - Father of a 15-year-old girl
Yeah all that wild, New Age High-Tech Sex that was invented over the last decade. With the transflux orgasms and what not.

“I talk about disease. Never talk about pleasure: It encourages them.” Mother of an 18-year-old girl
That's right, lady. As long as you don't tell them that sex is fun, there's no place of them to find out.

And finally, On whether or not their child would feel guilty about sex afterwards: Everybody feels guilty after, but that’s part of life.” - Mother of a 13-year-old girl
That's among the saddest things I've ever heard.

Punning for Dummies

Yesterday, Apple announced that they would be releasing a new red iPod Nano, that would sell for $199. Of that $199, $10 would go to fighting AIDS in Africa. And frankly, I'm outraged.

Don't get me wrong, I'm all for fighting AIDS. And if you can do that by selling a product people like and make a buck doing it, that's great. But Google News had 61 articles related to this story and not one was titled "An Apple a Day Keeps AIDS Away." Common people, that headline freaking writes itself. The closest Google had was "An Apple Can Keep AIDS Away!" from EFYtimes.com, and that's a pretty garbled version of what it should have been. Plus, to add insult to injury, EFYtimes.com is a news service in India. As if it wasn't bad enough that India was kicking our ass in the programming and tech support industries, now they're threatening that most sacred of American economies: the obvious headline pun industry.

Not a day goes by where ESPN.com's headline doesn't make my appendix hurt (for those who don't know, scientists recently discovered that the appendix, long thought useless, is actually an advanced pun detector, hurting slightly when near puns), but I worry now about just who's writing those puns. Are they American-made puns from unionized job-shops? Or are they bought from Indian pun outsourcing firms for three cents a pound?

But there are those who comfort me. Like the Washington Post reporting on a new computer game called Bully, which was taken to court over whether it was appropriate to sell to minors (and won, thankfully). The Post's headline? "This Bully isn't so Tough."

Or the New York Daily news who, reporting on the rainout of the Mets game and how it gave Mets pitcher Tom Glavine an extra day of rest, named their story "Rest assured, Glavine ready."

Thank you, brave punners, for giving me hope.

In other news, the Detroit Tigers won the ALCS and I was there to see it. I don't have anything particularly clever or interesting to say about that, I just wanted to brag.

The Return of Craigslist

As it turns out, I appear to be psychic. I realize that's a drastic claim, so let me put forth the evidence of my amazing predictive powers.

Probably around five years ago or so I made the following prediction: within the next decade we'll see nasal sex. My belief was based on the theory that sex had changed in nature over the years.

See, initially sex was just about procreation. Then, after cavemen began to grow increasingly bored with making new cavemen, sex changed. Over time, sex came to be about one all important goal: getting part of your body as far into another human beings body as possibly, through whatever orifice you can find (or, in some of the more disturbing cases, make).

When I predicted nasal sex, I realized that the possiblity of dick on nostril action was slim (and yes creating that mental image was absolutely necessary). So I figured sex would occur either through fingering of the nostril or possibly with the entrance of the tongue.

Really it seemed like only a matter of time. Well folks, wait no longer:

http://ebaumsworld.com/2006/07/jap-nose-fetish.html

That's video of a women experiencing what I can only describe as a nasal sex, complete with tongue penetration near the end. Bam. Told you so.

But, my amazing predictive powers aside, I've decided it's time for the return of an old friend: creepy craigslist casual sex posts. I know I said I was through, but people just keeping posting things too strange for me to pass up, so here we go:

Hi. I am a young straight white male college student. I am a Republican, and this November plan to vote with the party. That's right, DeVos, MCRI, the whole lot. That is, unless you change my mind.

I am looking for a sexually liberated Democratic lady who is interested in changing my mind. Just think, for one night of sex you can double your voting power. How Patriotic! It's practically your civic duty.

Hope to hear from you soon...
Chris

It's like a new political awareness campaign: Fuck the Vote. Here's my question, will the guy sign a contract? And is that contract legal or would this constitute prostitution?

Hello Ladies,
I am just looking for a cool girl who might be interested in trying out some foot fetish activities. I am a fit guy, 5'9 attractive and well endowed. I have had a fot fetish for sometime and would like to probably have a footjob. In return I hope I could realize fantasies you might have. I am not looking for pros at this time, just for a girl who is curious and wouldnt mind doing it. Thanks

That's right, professional foot-jobbers need not apply.

Looking for woman.women, interested in kicking me in the balls. Its a fetish, kinda, but also something I wold like to test my strength in. No pros, no pay, just for fun. Looking for girls curious into it, want to do it or just wanna take their anger out on men. Any takers?

Umm, exsqueeze me? You want a girl to kick you in the balls? Why the fuck would anyone want that? Plus, what does it matter if it's a girl? Side-story, today after taking a leak, I zipped prematurely and caught myself with my zipper. In case you're curious, at no point did I think: "I wish a girl was doing this to me." What I did think was:

OWWWWWWWW! FUCKING HELL!!! JESUS MARY MOTHER OF FUCKING CHRIST!!

(whimper)

Or something like that. I may have blacked out for a moment. Moving on:

For those women who are seeking a man who is thoughtful, articulate, and romantic; I can meet your every expectation. I have a strong desire to experience intimacy, and would have no trouble doing so were it not for my physical disability. Therefore, as quadriplegia has not robbed me of my ability to feel pleasure, nor compromised my libido, I am seeking opportunities for assisted ecstasy.

Please do not be disillusioned by the myth that disabled people are asexual beings. To begin, while I can still function sexually, I have had relatively few encounters and am completely free from disease. Indeed, my desire to express myself sensually, albeit unrequited, is just as compelling as that of any other adult. Rather, it is limited only by the physical reality of my disability.

I know how and where to touch a woman, but am unable to do so without help from another person. Consequently, I hope to find a couple of women who are willing to help me pleasure each other. I have every move choreographed in my mind, but am looking for someone to help me carry out the dance. No games, no tricks, no strings attached.

Okay, I don't want to make fun of a quadriplegic, but I do have one question: How did he type this?

Any guys want to invite me over to watch the Tiger game tonight? I'll suck you off as long as I can stay for the whole game. 5-11, 180 lb white male. Reply with age, height, weight, cock size.

Dude, it's called a sports bar. They won't even ask you for a handjob.

sub bi male iso married cpls, will service hubby for the privledge of sniffing his wife's nyloned feet/toes!

Sir, you need to learn to bargain a little more. I don't know what the going rate for a blowjob from another dude is, but I'd bet it's more than just sniffing some toes. At least ask to suck them or something. Remember: the worst they can do is say no.

I am looking for a college girl that would like some help in paying for college, books and and tuition. No obligation to do anything, just to be honest and upfront. I'd like to meet in a discreet and safe environment for some discreet and pasional mutually beneficial fun. I am educated, well traveled, pasional. If interesed , drop me an e-mail with a pic.

READ: Have you always dreamed of being a prostitute?

I am looking to receive a great blow job. It has been years since I have had one and I need a good one now, no strings attached.

You must be a non-smoker, attractive (picture helpful), disease and drug free.

Okay, I realize that people who post these things are not like me, so I shouldn't be surprised when they think differently than I do, but I don't get this type of ad (and there are a lot of them). Does this guy think there are hundreds of ladies just sitting around wishing they could find a guy who wanted a blowjob? I'm just guessing this, but I'm predicting that the fellitiophiles are all aware that ANY RANDOM GUY ON THE STREET IS HAPPY TO RECEIVE A BLOWJOB. They probably aren't patrolling the internet in a desperate search to find someone to blow.

Here's some advice: offer the ladies something. They might be more interested in an ad like this:

Handsome 40 yr old white male looking for woman who needs a great pussy licking. Just lay back, spread your legs (or sit on my face, however you like it) and enjoy! No reciprocation required. Your pleasure is my reward.

See, that's an ad that a woman might take interest in. I'm sure that in reality the guy is just hoping the woman gets turned on enough to blow him, but he's at least working the right angles.

Incest Roleplay... Mother/Son, Bro/Sis - m4w - 18

I think the title says enough about that one...eww eww eww eww.

And now, my new favorite Craigslist posting ever:

Okay, time to vent! I have answered several posts over the last 6 months and had no luck as most ended up being bots or webcams or professionals, etc. So recently, I decided to post my own ad. First, I was completely shocked by how many auto bot responses I received to my ad-- I figured by posting my own ad, I would not have to deal with these annoying "professionals." WRONG! Second, for some reason, while my ad was posted as a M4W ad, I received significantly more responses from men than women!!! Lastly, there was absolutely nothing in my ad (see copy below) objectionable or offensive and yet I received a message today that it was flagged multiple times and was removed from CL. Anyone have any idea why?

In response to my ad, I did receive several testimonials from people on how great CL worked for them. However, my experience here has been frustrating.

PS. If anyone (FEMALE!)likes the ad below, feel free to respond!

Seriously, what is wrong with people today? What's our great nation coming to when people can't put ads for completely casual sex online where anyone can read them without getting responses from perverts?

Play Ball

In my continuing effort to be sued by ESPN.com, I’ve been debating about doing a Live Game Diary for a big sports event, a la Bill Simmons, for some time now. Well, I figured I wasn’t going to find a bigger sports event than the first Detroit Tigers playoff series since I was three.

8:11 – We’re in a weather delay. Seriously? Seriously? I’ve been waiting 24 hours to watch this stupid game and now I’m in a fucking weather delay?!

8:13 – Well, Fox has returned to some crappy Fox show…I’m not really sure what it is. Meanwhile ESPN is recapping the Mets-Dodgers game. So, for the moment, let’s take a quick break from the Live Game Diary and discuss the series as a whole.

Many of my college friends are from New York, and a select few with the properly evil genetic disposition are in fact Yankees fans. Naturally they were aglow today over last night’s victory, which frankly I just don’t get. How do these people get excited about the Yankees winning? It’s like getting excited when the US Women’s Softball team wins the gold medal. What the fuck did you expect to happen? My high school softball team could beat the National Croatian team (seriously our pitcher was pretty good, she plays college ball here at Michigan now).

Getting excited over a Yankees victory is like if I had gotten all pumped up when we won the Afghani War. Of course we won the Afghani war; it was America versus fucking Afghanistan.

8:17 - Incidentally, ESPN was just recapping the A’s-Twins game and mentioned Milton Bradley in the replay. Which prompted my girlfriend to raise the interesting question: Who the fuck names their kid Milton Bradley? Why would you do that?

8:20 – ESPN has now switched to the studio crew, with Karl Ravech, Tim Kurkjian, and Vernon Wells taking the desk. Has any current player ever looked more awkward than Vernon Wells in these segments? He’s horrible. He sounds like he’s talking through one of those boxes that Stephen Hawking uses.

8:22 – Okay, actually tonight he doesn’t seem that bad. Although he does keep staring at Ravech rather than into the camera, which is annoying.

8:27 – Isn’t it weird that ESPN has a correspondent named Bonnie Bernstein, given that one of the substitute anchors on SportsNight was named Bonnie Bernstein?

8:30 – Okay, well I’m going to take a quick break to do food. I’ll start this up again when something actually happens game wise.

8:33 – ESPN just displayed a graphic that demonstrated that the members of the Yankee lineup average just over 4 all-star games each. I ask again, people get excited when these guys win?

9:40 – Apparently the Rangers’ General Managers is 12 years old. ESPN claims he’s 29, but I’m pretty sure he forged something somewhere along the line.

9:57 – Well, apparently this game has been cancelled until tomorrow, so the live Diary will pick up at 1:00 (while I skip my strategy class…again).

12:54 – Okay folks, we’re about ready to start up again. I’ve filled up on pizza, had a Guinness, and I’m skipping class as we speak.

1:03 – Incidentally: Guinness + Coke + Pizza + Pseudophedrine Sulfate ≠ Brilliant

1:08 – See this is why baseball is so much better on Fox. ESPN is giving me stats like “RBI” and “Batting Average.” Pitiful in comparison to Fox’s “Reads the Bible:” stat. If you didn’t see game 1, we learned from Sean Casey’s bio that he “Reads the Bible: Everyday”. And if you’re anything like me you were desperately hoping that when Fox did Wang’s bio that it would say, “Reads the Bible: Doesn’t, but consults the I Ching on important decisions.”

1:15 – Joe Morgan just told us he doesn’t care for stats. I love baseball players. He followed that up by saying Sean Casey, “Doesn’t run well.” Which is a little like saying John Wayne Gacy didn’t have great people skills.

1:18 – Jon Miller has now added that Casey, “Isn’t really a base-stealing threat.” Sort of the way Mother Teresa isn’t a much of a threat to commit grand theft auto.

1:20 – There’s really nothing that better captures why I hate being a democrat than the Anti-Dick Devos Opera commercial.

1:24 – WE GOT JETER OUT!! WE GOT JETER OUT!! TIGERS WIN THE PENNANT!!

1:25 – Oh, apparently we have to keep playing even after we get Jeter out…doesn’t really seem fair, but whatever.

1:26 – Verlander seems to be wearing a Doggie-Shocking Collar around his neck. Not sure what the hell that thing is. (Doggie-Shocking Collar is in fact a name brand, if you didn’t know).

1:30 – Bases are loaded…and I wish I was too. (That one’s for you, Dave).

1:31- With the bases loaded, here comes A-Rod. According to Bill Simmons, I am guaranteed an out in this circumstance.

1:32 – Right on cue, A-Rod strikes out on three straight pitches. For those keeping track, A-Rod was paid about $10,000 a swing for that at-bat (assuming 50 at-bats this post-season).
1:36 – Pudge had 69 RBI this season…hee hee.

1:39 – TIGERS TAKE THE LEAD!

1:42 – Brandon Inge strikes out to end the inning, Detroit up 1-0. Personally, I blame his facial hair. What the fuck is that “line goatee” thing, and why does he keep making it thinner?

1:50 – Group meeting on the mound. I never understand what the third baseman and shortstop are adding to the conference. What is Guillen saying, “I, uh, I think we should try and get some guys out. Does that sound good to anyone else?” Maybe he’s just telling Inge to find a razor.

1:55 – Inge has some trouble seeing a grounder, breaking on it only at the last second, possibly costing the Tigers a double play. Morgan and Miller don’t understand how he didn’t see it. Probably lost it in his goatee.

1:56 – Miller just called the first two innings a “Long laborious trek for Verlander so far.” That’s the verbal advantage.

1:59 – I like the Tommy Lasorda baseball commercials as much as anyone, but something bothers me about the one with the Indians fans hiding in the closets. The old guy is wearing an Indians shirt and Cincinnati Reds hat. What kind of sports bigamy are they promoting? Whatever happened to values?

2:12 – Simmons had a hard-time putting a finger on Magglio’s hair the other day, but it’s obvious when you watch him jog. It looks exactly like a poodle’s hair as it bounces on his shoulders.

2:18 – Right now ESPN has decided to show the back of a girl’s head while she eats cracker jacks. Just thrilling TV right here. In general I never understand why stations insist on showing so many crowd shots. The only shots of fans I need to see are when either hot women or overweight, shirtless men are excitedly jumping up and down. I want my crowd shots to either turn me on or gross me out, otherwise don’t bother.

2:29 – I hate the Yankess so much.

2:41 – Thank God Johnny Damon throws like a girl.

2:51 – Has ESPN loaned the “Super Slo-Mo” camera to any adult film companies yet? Because watching porn in that way would probably be the single coolest thing I can possibly imagine.

2:53 – Joe Morgan believes that A-Rod’s batting average would be higher if he hadn’t struck out so much. Dynamite analysis Joe.

2:58 – Joe Morgan is impressed that Carlos Guillen’s bat didn’t bend on his home run. He thinks it must be one of those maple bats, a harder bat, nice for keeping it good and firm. And we all know Joe Morgan likes a hard bat. A good thick, firm, hard bat, that never goes limp.

3: 33 – This is a lot harder than Bill Simmons makes it look, in case you’re curious.

3:42 – I enjoy that Budweiser’s new slogan is This is Beer. I think it fits well. Cause sometimes, if I’m at a party drinking Bud from a keg, I forget. “Is this beer? Are you sure? Tastes kind of like piss-water to me. You sure you didn’t just pee in the keg and water it down a little?” Nope, this is beer. No, seriously, it really is beer, we promise.

3:48 – Apparently the Yankees used to let Babe Ruth decide which position he’d play in the outfield so he wouldn’t get the sun in his eyes. See, those are the kinds of demands professional athletes just don’t make anymore. Don’t you wish you could hear this report on ESPN: “Peyton Manning re-signed with the Indianapolis Colts for 6 years, 99-millon dollars and a guarantee that he’d always get an aisle seat on the team plane.”

4:09 – Nothing like a Todd Jones taking the mound with a one-run lead. If I have a heart attack before the end of the game, I leave everything to Scott Baio.

4:13 – I think I’d give my left hand right now to be able to go back in time and make Troy Percival healthy.

4:25 – SERIES TIED UP BITCHES!! I LOVE YOU TODD JONES, YOU FAT PIECE OF SHIT!

4:27 - And now Star Trek: TNG is the one where Q become human. Good day all around.