Revisiting Old Posts

Wanted to put up some updated information on some old posts from the Blog. I'm doing this largely to procrastinate away from working on writing my novel, which I'm working on largely to procrastinate from stuyding for my final exams.

First off, my craiglist posting met with wide approval (and or disgusting shock, which I took similarly). Well, while working on Stats the other day, a friend and I stumbled across this gem of a post, and I thought I'd share it:

iso Personal Assistant. For the last couple of months my dream has been about finding a girl I can have for myself really long term. Best would be a free minded girl with open spirit and a really tight pussy. I love feeling your pussy lips slurping on my penis shaft when hump you like a rabbit. God I love being on top pumping in the missionary position. Doggy is fun too, but doggy is best if you are standing up. Am I naughty? Yes I am a big bad wolf. I am looking for a regular innocent girl, definitely not a perfect one. Just be human and real. I hate liars and as long as you are truthful then let us have a wonderful super erotic time together. We don't necessarily have to talk too much. Just get naked and get fucked by my meaty dick. Wow I cannot wait until I can finger your young fertile pussy. All sex must be raw and natural like Romeo and Juliet.
The rest of the time will be just plain old simple office work.

Yes, yes that man just compared anonymous prostitution with the greatest literary commentary on love in the history of the world.

Moving on to other Posts gone by, Facebook recently added a few features, and (I'm sad to say) they've lowered it in my eyes. My main complaint is about the new "Current Status" feature. Basically it's a box that starts "Jason is..." and then you fill that in with "...taking a massive dump." or whatever the case may be. Presumably, the idea of this feature is that whenever you go to do something, you tell facebook what you're going to go do, so that your friends know where you are (be it at a party or studying or whatever). I wish I had been in the room when this feature was discussed.

"Okay Team Facebook (I really hope they call themselves this), so far we've gotten millions of college students to put such information as their home addresses, place of employment, AIM screen names, email addresses, and often cell phone numbers up on the internet where any number of people can access it with a minimum of effort. And thanks to that photo album idea we've also gotten them to put up enough pictures to make visual identification a snap. What else should we have them put on the internet?"

"Well, Bob, I know that when I'm creepily stalking and/or planning a serial killer spree, I'm often frustrated by having to wait outside my victim's work or home for hours on end waiting for them to show up. How about we have the students constantly post messages with their exact whereabouts, so that stalking them is as easy as checking your email?"

Of course, I'm not actually worried about people being stalked through facebook, because nobody really puts up what they're actually doing anyways, instead putting stuff like "Bob is awesome!" or "Max is fucking your mom!" or "Zebediah is playing with his flame thrower." or "Hillary is screwing your mother." or "Isabella is with your mom." And frankly most of those aren't really going to help out stalkers all that much. Either that or my mother is involved in a lot more gang bangs than I would have expected.

Next up, I just wanted to let everyone know that the Meijer in Ann Arbor indeed no longer carries Taystee Golden Split Top, the greatest bread in the history of the world. I'm organizing a massive nation-wide boycott to put an end to the madness.

Finally, revisiting the fact that Isiah Thomas could not pass a Turing Test, I'd like to make this prediction: This summer, Zeke will either (a) try and trade for Allen Iverson and give away too much young talent in the process or (b) sign Peja to an obscenely ridiculous contract.

Some Odds and Ends

Now, you might be thinking to yourself "Man, after that last post, I don't know what he could write that could top that. What could he possibly find that's more disturbing than that?" (And if you haven't read that last post, give yourself a treat and check out the Craigslist post).

Well, loyal readers, one need look no further than the front page of ESPN.com to find that. For those who haven't been following the story, a young black woman was paid to strip for some members of the Duke Lacrosse team (I'm unclear if she was a stripper professionaly, or not), and is claiming that a few of them raped her while calling her various racial slurs.

Now you might say, "Hey, that's not cool, but I don't know if it's as disturbing as people looking for promiscuous beastiality." And you'd be right, until you read the email one of the Lacrosse players sent out right after the 'party'.

To whom it may concern [I have] decided to have some strippers over,however there will be no nudity. I plan on killing the bitches as soon as the walk in and proceding to cut their skin off.

Which pretty much made me sick. I mean, honestly, how did they let this kid into Duke? Proceeding has two e's, jackass. Don't you have a spell checker on your email? Try using it sometime. The nerve of some people.

Apparently he then explains in explicit terms that he will find this sexually gratifying. So that's fun.

But you know me, I like to look at the bright side of things, and find what amuses me about them. So here's what's great about this case. 46 of the 47 lacrosse players had to give sperm samples to determine if they were involved in the rape. Why didn't the 47th? He was the lone black member of the team, and the woman explicitly said all her assaulters were white.

And you know this guy has to be looking around thinking, "Huh, because I'm black...I'm NOT a suspect...FUCKING FINALLY! Being black pays off for once." Seriously, has any person in the history of North Carolina ever been presumed innocent because they were black? It's like bizarro world.

If you haven't heard Eminem and his wife Kim have filed for divorce...again. I know, shocking isn't it? They made it three whole months, though. That's almost an entire college semester.

Finally, I wanted to comment on a commercial I saw the other day for Vonage. Vonage is some sort of new phone service, that claims to be different than regular phone service because it has a cool commercial. Or something. I wasn't really listening. Because I was focused on the fine print at the bottom.

Note: Vonage 911 is not the same as regular 911

Ummm...what the fuck? What do you mean your phone service doesn't provide the standard 911? That's kind of an important number. What the hell kind of 911 do you provide?

"Vonage 911 Emergency, how can I help you?"

"Yes, thank God, there's a crazed man in my house, he's got an axe, I think he wants to kill me, I'm so scared, please help me."

"Oooh, this is awkward...see you're thinking of regular 911, and this is actually Vonage 911."

"What the fuck are you talking about? Just send help, I don't want to die."

"Yeah, see we here at Vonage 911 don't really do axe-murderers. But is there any trouble with your billing that I can help you out with?"

muffled screaming

Oh, and they found a Swan dead from Avian flu in Scotland, just to keep you all updated on the impending doom.