The Internet Confuses Me

I get a lot of spam, largely because I don't really use any sort of spamfilters, and if you're part of any group at umich, somebody in that group is probably going to get a trojan every so often. Anyway, here's what I don't get. The spam I get seems to fall into several categories based on the subjects. These are (1) sex enhancements (2) offers for free money (3) innocuous greetings (4) Biblical quotes and (5) random gibberish.

Now, I can understand why someone might be inclined to open an email with the subject "Mak yo woman screem all nite." Or "Come pick up your check!" Or "Hey, what's up?" Or maybe even "Lo, Aaron did look upon the Israelites..."

But why would anyone open an email that has random gibberish as its subject? And why would spammers think this is a good plan? I got an email the other day that said "gargle noisily". Why would I open that? How is this effective spam? Do they think people are so retarded they'll open any email as long as the subject consists of properly spelled words?

Well, if they've checked out www.twitter.com, they probably do. Twitter seems fairly new, so you may not be familiar with it. Basically the idea is sort of like a myspace or facebook, except instead of filling out personal information that (hypothetically speaking) people could care about, you simply post single sentence updates on what you're doing, periodically through the day. Here are a few samples:

cleaning the scum off the sides of the fish tank.. joy!
getting some exercise
watching around the horn on espn
Listening to SLAY Radio

People, this whole real-time updates on our friends lives has gone too far. Away messages weren't that bad, because more often than not people just put up funny messages, or when it is actually info it's at least moderately useful info (i.e. "headed out to the bar, call if you want to come"). And while many people were rightfully creeped out by the facebook feed, it still didn't strike me as too bad. At least some of the info on facebook is somewhat important.

But Twitter has pushed us past the point of acceptable voyeurism. If you honestly need to tell people that you're eating cocoa puffs at the moment, you need to get a life. And if anyone is actually that interested in what you're doing every single instant, you might want to consider a restraining order.

Seriously, many of these people seem to be updating their Twitter Feed two or three times an hour. What the hell is happening to the world?

Totally unrelated note, my roommate just played me "Put it in your mouth" by Akinyele. This song came out about five years ago he said, but if you haven't heard it, check around. It's pretty fucking funny.

The Return of Craigslist (Again)...

Sorry about the lack of posting last week. Between March Madness and St. Patrick's Day, I never quite got the time.

But, as promised, I'm returning with an old fan favorite: Creepy Casual Sex posts from Craigslist. And this time, we're going right to the source. That's right, instead of Ann Arbor posts, this time I went to the original Craigslist, from that cesspool of depravity, San Francisco (Please Note: the FMRC is completely supportive of the gay lifestyle and homosexual community. When we refer to San Francisco as a cesspool of depravity, we are referring solely to the fact that Barry Bonds plays baseball there).

So, without further ado, the posts.

I am seeking someone that is truly submissive that wants to play today. I am a Dom and seek a submissive that like and enjoys blindfolds, spanking, being used, face fucked, anything that is intense and pleasurable. You need to host or I can book a room. This is for now and today. If this works out I would like to own you as a submissive. Creative scenes are welcome, Daddy/Daughter, Boss/employee, etc... I am 50, 6'6, 230, white, GQ type, shaved head, blue eyes, 9" cock. Intense. If you care to, you can call my cell to save time, please be real. Women only.

The part of that I enjoyed was when he requested that women who call him should "please be real". No pixies, genies, succubi, vampires or other imaginary women need apply.

I'm looking for an older woman/couple (or active imagination)to help me fulfill my incest fantasy/role play. Come in my room at night, feel under my covers, touch me, show me how to make it feel good. I'm fit, straight, good looking, and very real. I'm clean, safe/sane, DD free, and honest. I'm looking for good people, real, just interested in adult, sexual fun. Let's chat and exchange pics if you're interested.

He doesn't come out and say this...but he's looking for a couple to pretend to be his parents right? That's....beyond creepy.

I'm a straight, fit, intelligent, and sensual, looking for a W to get together for a sexy kissing sessions with some touching. It would also be arotic to touch ourselves while we made out together. Let's be safe, clean, and excite each other!! No sex required. Let's play, touch and show each other how much we like to make it feel good. I am real, safe, sane, and respectful. I'm just looking for a real woman that enjoys erotic fun. I will talk with you on the phone, email or IM to set up. I can host. Let's trade pics.

I like two things about this post. (1) He spells it arotic. It's like a Jeff Foxworthy sex post. "Hey baby, you look pretty a-rotic in them there panties." (2) It's title was "Make out session and touching". I want to respond and say that I prefer not to touch people I make out with.

You like older women because... we're more confident - we make better conversation - we don't want to date you - we won't ask where this is going - we don't need you to spend money on us - we won't wait for your phone call - we don't play games - we don't just lie there - we excel at fellatio - we're using you

We excel at fellatio? That sounds like something you'd put on a resume under other skills. "Excels at fellatio, proficient in assplay".

while the rain taps on the bay window and drips off the magnolia tree i'm thinking of you in my big bed convulsing with warm, wet pleasure. hot breath on sensitive skin, deep kisses, wandering tongues... smart guy with a great body, a sense of humor and creative in bed. i'm clean and like my sex SAFE. We will probably get along swimmingly if you are smart yourself, pretty, open minded, not overweight and enjoy orality in all of its glorious forms. if you're interested send photos and introduce yourself.

Enjoy orality in all of its glorious forms? Are there forms of orality that I'm not familiar with? Cause I could maybe think of three (and that's if I'm really stretching on that "glorious" part).

I need help...email me for more details...

Who the fuck is going to respond to this? "Oh this guy needs help...I love helping people. Good enough for me." Look, I'm not really on board with the whole "hooking up with random strangers for casual sex over the internet" thing in the first place. But if you're want to do it, you have to try a little hard than that buddy. Go big or go home.

I am really good at cunnilingus. I love to make women cum inside and out (g-spot and clit, respectively). Physically I am 6" 2 masculine', white, with dark saltand pepper hair, dark eyes, and well endowed Also, I am D&D free, If you are a cute girl and into oral sex, let's meet up.

What the hell is with all the clinical terms people? Cunnilingus? Who actually says that? "Hey baby, maybe I'll osculate your labia majora and then stick my lamina in your vaignal orifice." And I haven't even bothered to count how many ads use the term "intercourse" instead of "sex." Buddy, if you're trolling for tail on Craigslist, that's not intercourse. Even sex isn't really a dirty enough term for what you're doing.