First Lady, Second Lady, Third Lady...

The most exciting presidential election since 1928 continues to roll on, with a rather interesting episode taking place the other day. In a townhouse meeting, John McCain answered a question about dealing with Iran by parodying the Beach Boys' "Barabra Ann", singing "Bomb bomb bomb, bomb bomb Iran." I shit you not, here's the YouTube clip:
http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=o-zoPgv_nYg

John, who the fuck is advising you on this campaign, Don Imus? Seriously, what the hell happened to you? Making cozy with the Religious Right, coming out strongly in support of the Iraqi War, pro-life, and now pro-bombing Iran (and even worse, pro-Beach Boys). It's like Senator McCain was replaced by a pod person in 2003 or so.

In fairness to the Senator, the question he was asked did include the phrase "air mail to Tehran" and he was speaking to a military crowd that I'm sure is in fact pro-bombing Iran. But that's largely beside the point, because it's not like the pundits and reporters are going to carefully explain that. They'll just show a clip of him doing a cappella foreign policy.

So, having lost he moderate vote, gotten his ass kicked on fundraising, and generally trailing in all the polls, McCain has apparently decided to court the elusive "crazy mother-fucker" vote.

Personally, I'm about ready to call the race for McCain, which leaves us with two viable candidates from the Republicans: Rudy Giuliani and Mitt Romney.

Let's take a look at Rudy first. There is no way in HELL this man could ever be elected President. Ignoring the fact that many people will feel that being a mayor (even of NYC) isn't enough experience, ignoring that he's far too moderate to win the Republican primary (although I grant he could simply run to the right, and no one would really know he had ever moved), a simple fact remains: He's in no way shape or form presidential.

Look at the guy: he's short, he's balding, he has squinty eyes and big ears. He looks like he should be selling used cars, not running the free world. And moreover, can you imagine anyone introducing "President Giuliani?" I don't think so. President Ford. President Carter. President Clinton. President Giuliani? Hell no. And if that wasn't bad enough, the first name Rudy, is going to fucking kill him. In this country we elect Georges and Bills and Rons and Jims. Not Rudys.

Okay, no take a look at Romney. Frankly, Mitt Romney isn't the most presidential name ever either, but other than that, the guy could looks more presidential than anyone I've ever seen. He's young-looking enough to look vibrant, but old-looking enough to look experience. He's got that dark hair with grey streaks that just screams executive. Also his hair looks like it could deflect a bullet, which voters like.

Plus I heard the guy speak the other day and he's damn fine speaker, very likable, seems to know his shit pretty well. All in all, this is definitely the guy I'd put my money on to be elected president in 2008.

Except for one little thing: he's Mormon. Despite the fact that it's absurd, people aren't really comfortable with Mormons. It's interesting that every is talking about the possibility of the first black president, or the first woman president, and whether or not people would be willing to vote for Obama or Clinton. Personllay though, I think the big question is, are we ready for a Mormon in the White House? Also, how do you decide which wife is the "First" lady?

(In all seriousness, Romney, like most Mormons, is not polygamist. But that's a good example of the sort of joke you'd hear again and again during a Romney campaign.)

Tom Vilsack 2008: At Least I'm Not Black

First off, sorry about the long break. I never quite got a post together two weeks ago, and then I left on Spring Break. In an attempt at penance, I'll be posting this tonight (a post I started before break) and another post later this week. Moving on.

For those of you who don't obsessively check Google News in search of material for the humor blog that you keep, you may not have heard that Governor Tom Vilsack has withdrawn his name from the race for the Deomocratic nomination for president.

I'm sure many of you share a common question: Who the fuck is Tom Vilsack?

Fair question. Tom Vilsack is the Governor of Iowa. He officially declared that he would be running about three months ago, but everyone had already assumed as much. As near as I can tell he was running solely on home court advantage, hoping that he could do well enough in the Iowa primary that everyone would forget they had no idea who he was.

Astonishingly, this plan didn't work out so well. Governor Visack apparently withdrew because he was finding it too hard to amass campaign funds against Obama and Clinton.

Which leads me to my question: Shouldn't that have occured to his advisors three months ago? Cause if Governor Vilsack had called me, I could have told him that the various NGOs across the country were going to be slightly more likely to give money to the new Golden Boy of the Democratic Party or the wife of the last Democrat people actually liked than some guy from Iowa nobody's ever heard of. And if he had called most of you, you would have asked who the fuck he was, and that probably would have given him basically the same message.

Incidentally, I think at least one candidate for the Democratic nomination should have the slogan indicated in the title of this post. I'm pretty sure a slight modification could actually work for John Edwards. John Edwards 2008: He's White and Has a Penis.

Earlier today, the following headline was posted on Google News: "Protests after US Troops Kill 16 Afghans". Now look, I realize that Afghan is the technically correct term from a person from Afghanistan, but would it really be the end of the world if we changed it? Cause I read a tragic headline like that, and I should be upset, and instead I giggle, because I can't get the image of soldiers mowing down blankets out of my head.

Cause French people don't call themselves French right? It's Francais or something. But we go right ahead and call them French. So why can't we change Afghan to something less silly?

Finally, I considered writing a post about the following website, but I decided I wouldn't be able to write anything funnier than the site itself, so check this out (oh and this isn't safe for work): Teddy Babes.